10Apr 2013

Importance of self-care

I can’t believe it’s been several months since I blogged! I do apologize….well…sort of!
Let me explain.

I’ve been doing 2 things-

1. Practicing self-care
2. Trying new things!

So rather than apologize all over myself to you, let’s use my “explanation” as a learning tool/growth opportunity today :)

Self-care:

It is so important to make sure you set your own limits for yourself and take care of yourself. Nobody can do it for you!

My time has been even more limited lately. I have been very busy at work (which I enjoy) and running the business side of things can take a lot of time outside of my time with clients. Because of this increase, something had to go! Many days it was a choice to either take a break and eat my lunch or do my blog. Because of the busyness at IH right now, I felt I would be better to myself (and ultimately to my clients) if I chose lunch. Self-care!
It was hard at first. I do a blog weekly, people look forward to it (according to their comments to me), and well, it’s something I love!

It is easy to feel like because you have always done something, you have to keep doing it, even when saying no for a moment might be better. Even if it is a good
thing! But remember, you have to take care of yourself or you will burn out and eventually not enjoy that thing you love anyway.

Trying something new:

Before the business side of things got so “busy”, I had already committed to blogging for some outside sources. I wanted to keep those commitments because I made them and because I think it’s good to branch out and try new things. It has been a great experience. I have enjoyed blogging for Northview Church, Relationshipcafe.com, and MarriageAdvice.com. They truly have been good opportunities. It was nice to try something new. However, I have decided to let go of the amount I was blogging for them, in order to do more self-care (and hopefully start blogging more here again.)

So the moral of the story is it’s good to try new things but also take care of yourself! That way you can be the best at what you do and not burn out.

I hope to start blogging here more regularly again. If I don’t, know that I am either practicing self-care or trying something new!

Thank you so much for reading this week.

What can do today to practice self-care? Or try something new?

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC, LCAC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

28Nov 2012

Is this Really a Problem?

I was so frustrated! Are you kidding me? Traffic was lined up as far as I could see and I had a client in just a few short minutes. I’m not one to like to be late for appointments, particularly when running my practice. The thought of a client wasting their valuable time in my waiting room gets under my skin. Traffic? This is a PROBLEM!

As I sat and griped and moaned to myself, my mind slowly went back to a moment at a conference a few days prior. The speaker’s exact words that struck through my heart like a bow and arrow were as follows:

If you have a home, have food to eat, a job, and transportation to get there, you are among the top 15% of the wealthiest people of the world!”

Wow! I couldn’t believe it. I’ve never considered myself wealthy. Blessed but not wealthy.

A few days later, I was reading a book by Jim Martin from the International Justice Mission. He was talking about modern day slavery, sex trafficking, and the horrible abuse that goes on in our world. He talked about how we see our issues as problems but “they are mostly frustrations and annoyances” when it comes right down to it. So true. Losing my cell phone? Inconvenience. Stuck in traffic? Frustration. Slavery? Now THAT’S a problem!

I’m not trying to minimize the problems that some people are struggling with. Divorce, the loss of family and friends, job loss, abuse are true problems as well. But I am talking about some of the things we consider problems that are really just annoyances, frustrations, and/or inconveniences. The barista at Starbucks messed up our order so we have a bad morning. We get a little wet from the rain so we gripe and moan about going to work a little soggy. These are NOT problems!

When I was sitting in that traffic, I realized that it wasn’t a problem but rather a frustration or annoyance. I would still have a job to go to (with forgiving clients!), lunch today, and a place to lay my tired body tonight.

I have been reminding myself of this DAILY. When I feel the stress of a “problem” I ask myself “Is this really a problem? Or am I just frustrated, annoyed, or inconvenienced”.

Try it! It will really put things into perspective for you.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC, LCAC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

21Nov 2012

Why Gratitude?

This week we hopefully can take the time to think about what we are grateful for. As I was thinking about my list, I was thinking about the importance of practicing gratitude all year. There are so many benefits of doing so! I wanted to share 10 with you.

1. It forces you to think about something positive

2. You will be focusing on more positive, thus you will feel more happy in general.

3. If people who are grateful tend to be more happy, they will attract more people to them socially. People generally want to be around happy, positive people :) (unless they are miserable and misery loves company :( )

4. Being grateful increases your energy.
Think about how you feel when you think about depressed things all day. Think about how you feel when you focus on positive things all day.

5. Thinking of what we have been given keeps us humble.

6. Being grateful forces us to reflect inward and look inside ourselves.

7. Thinking of what we are thankful for helps remind us of what’s important.
If you practice this daily, I doubt you will say “I am thankful for my sports car” everyday. But I bet your family and friends will be on the list daily.

8. Being grateful boosts your health.
The more grateful we are, the less stress we feel. The less stress we feel, the better our immune system. The better our immune system, the more we are fighting off illness and disease.

9. Practicing a life of gratitude keeps you more at peace. It creates more optimism and hope. When you focus on be grateful, you remind yourself of the good, which can lead to feeling hopeful and peaceful.

10. Having a life of gratitude keeps us connected to our Faith.
Even in hard times, we can know God is up to something and knows exactly what we need, and is providing that for us.

Here are 2 quick things you can do everyday to practice a life of Gratitude:

>>When my son cannot sleep, I tell him to count everything he is grateful for. That way he can fall asleep thinking of all the good in his life, rather than the stress of not sleeping (This works like a charm!)

>>I’m sure you’ve heard it but I’ll say it again because it deserves repeating- keep a gratitude journal. Write down 5 things everyday you are grateful for.

I want to tell you that Imagine Hope and it’s readers, followers, and clients are among my things I am grateful for everyday. I love what I do and the people I work with and for. Thank you for being a part of our community. May God richly bless you this Thanksgiving!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

24Oct 2012

10 Barriers to Communication in Relationships

This is a blog that I wrote previously for MarriageAdvice.com. Imagine Hope writes for them weekly. It’s a great site to check out. I thought this info might be helpful for anyone in a relationship. Enjoy!

10 Barriers to Communication in Marriage

As a marriage therapist, you learn a lot of what not to do in a relationship by sitting across from couples who are struggling on a daily basis with communication. Hopefully it will be helpful for you to see some barriers and pick a couple that you want to focus on.

Avoiding conflict
There is nothing wrong with conflict…. when it’s done in a healthy way! It can even bring you closer and create more emotional (and physical) intimacy. Most couples are afraid of conflict. In fact, some of my couples who come in are so proud to admit they never fight. I tell them I worry more about them than I do the couples who I have to referee.

It’s normal to have conflict when you have two people, brought up two different ways, living under one roof, and many times raising multiple kids. Who wouldn’t argue? It’s how you do it. So don’t avoid it.

Mind reading
This one is dangerous- this is when you believe you know what your partner is thinking or feeling and you base your reaction on your belief. It’s dangerous because you are assuming that you are right and may respond or react based on your belief and not what they are actually thinking or feeling.

Sandbagging
What’s sandbagging? It’s piling on one complaint after another, causing your partner to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. It’s important to stick to one issue or concern at a time.

It’s helpful to keep a notepad handy and write down something if you think it’s important enough to talk about later. Then at another time, let your partner know you would like to discuss it. But to bring up too much at once can make the conversation get too heated and your partner may feel they can’t see the forest for the trees so to speak.

Black and White Thinking
This is when someone thinks about things in extremes. They are not willing to see or think about the gray. When partners can’t see the gray, it can cause negative thinking and lack of compromise. It’s important to not get stuck in this type of thinking.

Not really listening because you are focusing on what you are going to say next
If you are formulating your answer or thinking ahead of what/how you are going to say something, you are not truly engaged in what your partner is trying to tell you. You may be able to repeat it back, but you probably aren’t fully aware of their feelings or able to have empathy and understanding for what they are saying.

Interrupting
This is the same thing- if you are interrupting, then you were thinking about what you were going to say and not listening. Besides that, it’s rude!

Thinking everything must be resolved and you can’t agree to disagree
Did you know that many problems in a marriage can’t be solved? Yep, me- a marriage therapist is telling you this. Many times there is not a solution. Most of the time, partners just want to be heard. Sometimes it really does help couples to just listen and try to understand each other. Notice I didn’t say agree. I said try to understand where their partner is coming from.

Many times when problems can’t be resolved, couples need to just listen, validate or empathize with their partner’s feelings, and agree to disagree or agree to come back to it another time.

Feeling you always have to be right and prove your point
I love how Dr. Phil says, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” It’s so true. People who think they are right and have to prove it (usually because they are insecure in the first place) leave others to feel frustrated and defeated. “Why try if they are always right anyway?”, I hear partners say.
It’s okay to admit you are wrong sometimes, even admit your partner be right for a change, and even keep it to yourself if you are right. No one enjoys talking to a know-it-all. Keep it to yourself sometimes.

Leaving abruptly either physically or emotionally.
It’s true- sometimes things get heated and you need a timeout. It is okay to do this as long as you designate to your partner why you are leaving, when you will be back, and that you are willing to continue talking when you return and cool off.

What is not okay is to just leave the house and slam the door behind you because you are mad. Or to just cut off the conversation because you are “done” and don’t want to talk anymore. And then going a week without talking to your spouse. I know none of you would ever do this but some people do, and it’s unhealthy!

Bringing up old issues as weapons
If something has been worked thru in the past, it is hurtful to keep throwing it up in your partners face. Speaking of throwing it up, it literally feels like vomit! It stinks, it stains, and makes the person feel worse because you are throwing it up on them!

It’s not helpful. If you still have an issue with something from the past, it is not going to be productive to bring it up when you are in conflict over something else.

Think about it at another time and ask yourself if it’s truly important or were you just using it to hurt, as a weapon? If so, let it go. If not, and it is still an issue, talk with your partner, at a different time, about how you are feeling, letting them know you may need to revisit it.

What can you do?
I’m sure many of you reading this can recognize the barriers that your partner is creating. For those of you thinking this way, I would like for you to go back and read it again and think of what barriers YOU are creating!

Then start small. Pick one or two that you want to focus on. After you have mastered them, pick one or two more.

Good luck breaking down those barriers that create walls in your relationship. Breaking down the walls will create the intimacy we all wish and long for! Thank you for reading.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC, LCAC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

17Oct 2012

To Everything There is a Season

For those of you in Indiana and the wonderful states that display the change of seasons, don’t you just love Fall? It’s beautiful with all the colors and changes. I literally feel awestruck at times.

Today this made me think of the seasons in our lives. In life there are ups and downs, challenges and victories. Many people know the Bible verse in Ecclesiastes that says, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…” This has great truth to it, whether you are a person of Faith or not. Let me explain.

Most of my clients that come in are experiencing a “winter”. They are feeling depressed, anxious, going thru grief, or their marriage is crumbling. Life is not fun, they are just getting “thru”, and feel little life or joy.

Those that work thru their struggles and challenges often experience “spring” when they finish therapy. They feel like they have a new beginning and a fresh start. I’ve had people say they feel like they have a new life!

After they adjust to their “new life”, they beginning living it out day by day and feeling the fruits of their labor. They are experiencing “summer” in their life. It is fun, adventurous, exciting, and more relaxed.

Many times people will come back in because they hit a bump in the road. I always encourage people to come in before “winter” hits, so to speak. So they may have experienced a change in jobs, or they may have started feeling depressed again (but not like before- just the beginning stages), or they may be experiencing challenges in their relationships. Life is not bleak and bad, but they are starting to feel blue. This is the “fall”. Winter has not yet settled in, thankfully, but they don’t feel like they did in the summer.

There truly are seasons in our lives and in our relationships, so it’s very normal to go thru them. I try to remind couples who just had a baby but are fighting like cats and dogs- This is a season, you are in winter- you’ll see Spring again. To those soon to be empty nesters who are starting to face the reality of an empty house- this is fall, and yes winter is coming- let’s prepare for it so you move thru it back into spring. For those grieving, yes, this is winter- let’s shovel thru it so you can feel spring again soon.

I think many times in life and relationships we can convince ourselves that the hard times are not going to pass or get any better. If we can remember that there are seasons and it’s normal to have them, it can put things in better perspective and help us move thru the difficult ones. And make us cherish the spring and summers of our lives.

Thank you for reading. I hope your week is full of spring and summer, wherever you are!
God bless!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville