Category Archives: Relationships

24Oct 2012

10 Barriers to Communication in Relationships

This is a blog that I wrote previously for MarriageAdvice.com. Imagine Hope writes for them weekly. It’s a great site to check out. I thought this info might be helpful for anyone in a relationship. Enjoy!

10 Barriers to Communication in Marriage

As a marriage therapist, you learn a lot of what not to do in a relationship by sitting across from couples who are struggling on a daily basis with communication. Hopefully it will be helpful for you to see some barriers and pick a couple that you want to focus on.

Avoiding conflict
There is nothing wrong with conflict…. when it’s done in a healthy way! It can even bring you closer and create more emotional (and physical) intimacy. Most couples are afraid of conflict. In fact, some of my couples who come in are so proud to admit they never fight. I tell them I worry more about them than I do the couples who I have to referee.

It’s normal to have conflict when you have two people, brought up two different ways, living under one roof, and many times raising multiple kids. Who wouldn’t argue? It’s how you do it. So don’t avoid it.

Mind reading
This one is dangerous- this is when you believe you know what your partner is thinking or feeling and you base your reaction on your belief. It’s dangerous because you are assuming that you are right and may respond or react based on your belief and not what they are actually thinking or feeling.

Sandbagging
What’s sandbagging? It’s piling on one complaint after another, causing your partner to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. It’s important to stick to one issue or concern at a time.

It’s helpful to keep a notepad handy and write down something if you think it’s important enough to talk about later. Then at another time, let your partner know you would like to discuss it. But to bring up too much at once can make the conversation get too heated and your partner may feel they can’t see the forest for the trees so to speak.

Black and White Thinking
This is when someone thinks about things in extremes. They are not willing to see or think about the gray. When partners can’t see the gray, it can cause negative thinking and lack of compromise. It’s important to not get stuck in this type of thinking.

Not really listening because you are focusing on what you are going to say next
If you are formulating your answer or thinking ahead of what/how you are going to say something, you are not truly engaged in what your partner is trying to tell you. You may be able to repeat it back, but you probably aren’t fully aware of their feelings or able to have empathy and understanding for what they are saying.

Interrupting
This is the same thing- if you are interrupting, then you were thinking about what you were going to say and not listening. Besides that, it’s rude!

Thinking everything must be resolved and you can’t agree to disagree
Did you know that many problems in a marriage can’t be solved? Yep, me- a marriage therapist is telling you this. Many times there is not a solution. Most of the time, partners just want to be heard. Sometimes it really does help couples to just listen and try to understand each other. Notice I didn’t say agree. I said try to understand where their partner is coming from.

Many times when problems can’t be resolved, couples need to just listen, validate or empathize with their partner’s feelings, and agree to disagree or agree to come back to it another time.

Feeling you always have to be right and prove your point
I love how Dr. Phil says, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” It’s so true. People who think they are right and have to prove it (usually because they are insecure in the first place) leave others to feel frustrated and defeated. “Why try if they are always right anyway?”, I hear partners say.
It’s okay to admit you are wrong sometimes, even admit your partner be right for a change, and even keep it to yourself if you are right. No one enjoys talking to a know-it-all. Keep it to yourself sometimes.

Leaving abruptly either physically or emotionally.
It’s true- sometimes things get heated and you need a timeout. It is okay to do this as long as you designate to your partner why you are leaving, when you will be back, and that you are willing to continue talking when you return and cool off.

What is not okay is to just leave the house and slam the door behind you because you are mad. Or to just cut off the conversation because you are “done” and don’t want to talk anymore. And then going a week without talking to your spouse. I know none of you would ever do this but some people do, and it’s unhealthy!

Bringing up old issues as weapons
If something has been worked thru in the past, it is hurtful to keep throwing it up in your partners face. Speaking of throwing it up, it literally feels like vomit! It stinks, it stains, and makes the person feel worse because you are throwing it up on them!

It’s not helpful. If you still have an issue with something from the past, it is not going to be productive to bring it up when you are in conflict over something else.

Think about it at another time and ask yourself if it’s truly important or were you just using it to hurt, as a weapon? If so, let it go. If not, and it is still an issue, talk with your partner, at a different time, about how you are feeling, letting them know you may need to revisit it.

What can you do?
I’m sure many of you reading this can recognize the barriers that your partner is creating. For those of you thinking this way, I would like for you to go back and read it again and think of what barriers YOU are creating!

Then start small. Pick one or two that you want to focus on. After you have mastered them, pick one or two more.

Good luck breaking down those barriers that create walls in your relationship. Breaking down the walls will create the intimacy we all wish and long for! Thank you for reading.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC, LCAC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

17Oct 2012

To Everything There is a Season

For those of you in Indiana and the wonderful states that display the change of seasons, don’t you just love Fall? It’s beautiful with all the colors and changes. I literally feel awestruck at times.

Today this made me think of the seasons in our lives. In life there are ups and downs, challenges and victories. Many people know the Bible verse in Ecclesiastes that says, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…” This has great truth to it, whether you are a person of Faith or not. Let me explain.

Most of my clients that come in are experiencing a “winter”. They are feeling depressed, anxious, going thru grief, or their marriage is crumbling. Life is not fun, they are just getting “thru”, and feel little life or joy.

Those that work thru their struggles and challenges often experience “spring” when they finish therapy. They feel like they have a new beginning and a fresh start. I’ve had people say they feel like they have a new life!

After they adjust to their “new life”, they beginning living it out day by day and feeling the fruits of their labor. They are experiencing “summer” in their life. It is fun, adventurous, exciting, and more relaxed.

Many times people will come back in because they hit a bump in the road. I always encourage people to come in before “winter” hits, so to speak. So they may have experienced a change in jobs, or they may have started feeling depressed again (but not like before- just the beginning stages), or they may be experiencing challenges in their relationships. Life is not bleak and bad, but they are starting to feel blue. This is the “fall”. Winter has not yet settled in, thankfully, but they don’t feel like they did in the summer.

There truly are seasons in our lives and in our relationships, so it’s very normal to go thru them. I try to remind couples who just had a baby but are fighting like cats and dogs- This is a season, you are in winter- you’ll see Spring again. To those soon to be empty nesters who are starting to face the reality of an empty house- this is fall, and yes winter is coming- let’s prepare for it so you move thru it back into spring. For those grieving, yes, this is winter- let’s shovel thru it so you can feel spring again soon.

I think many times in life and relationships we can convince ourselves that the hard times are not going to pass or get any better. If we can remember that there are seasons and it’s normal to have them, it can put things in better perspective and help us move thru the difficult ones. And make us cherish the spring and summers of our lives.

Thank you for reading. I hope your week is full of spring and summer, wherever you are!
God bless!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

05Sep 2012

Learn To Say What You Need

I had been at a retreat for the weekend and was so excited to share what all had happened with my husband. Bless his heart, he had juggled three kids for 72 hours as well as his very demanding job. Once the kids were in bed, he asked, “How was the retreat?” He was on his laptop, trying to catch up from work he had missed while he was busy filling up my kids love tanks all weekend.

I started telling him about my weekend while he continued reading and responding to emails. All the sudden I felt hurt. I realized he really wasn’t listening and was just trying to be kind by asking me.

There was a time that would have sent me into a spiral. The lies in my head would have been having a wonderful conversation with me that would go something like this:

“He doesn’t really care about my weekend. Work is more important than me. He loves work more than me.”

Or maybe I would play a game- I would start talking about something random, that had nothing to do with the topic and see how long it would take for him to notice! (I know, I’m ornery!)

The point is, I would respond in an unhealthy way.

This time, I simply said to him, “You know, I can tell you are in the middle of something else. I really appreciate you asking me how my weekend was. It’s really important to me so how about we wait and talk about it when you are done?” He then explained to me that he didn’t have time to get anything done because he had been with the kids. I told him I understood and we actually picked up our conversation in about 5 minutes, with laptop closed and opened ears. It felt much better this way.

In the past, when I was having this negative self talk (conversation with myself) we would have argued the rest of the evening and our conversation about the retreat would have been lost. I’m not saying I have a perfect marriage or that my thoughts are always this positive. But I have worked really hard to change my self-talk. I’ve also worked hard on trying to understand other people’s intentions instead of jumping to conclusions and mind reading. All of these are dangerous things we do to hurt our relationships.

The next time you are feeling hurt, have a different conversation with yourself. Ask yourself what might be going on with this person and how can I tell them what I need right now in a positive way. It will take you a long way!

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

15Aug 2012

Seize the Moment- The Best You Can!

Going back to school- It seems this phrase ignites different emotions for different people. For some kids it’s “bllaaahh!” and for others it’s “yaaay!”. For some parents it creates a leap of joy in the air and for others it is a reminder of how fast time is flying and slipping thru our hands.

Me? I have a big lump in my throat. I promised my 2nd grader I wouldn’t cry as he got on the bus today (as I watched him hold back a tear or two!) I saw the parents of the Kindergartners, who actually have permission to cry, hold back their tears.

So why was I, the mother of a 2nd grader, on the verge of a breakdown? I should be a pro at this by now! Then it hit me- it’s all a reminder of how quickly time is passing. I don’t know about you but I feel like I am trying to keep the sand from going down the hourglass of time! I try to put the little pieces back in one at a time, only to have 5000 drop in the meantime.

Wasn’t it just yesterday my child was……

Maybe you don’t have kids and you are amazed at how quickly time is passing in your marriage. You thought for sure at your 5th Anniversary you would be…..

Or maybe you are still single and you just can’t believe how quickly 10 years have passed since you graduated college. You knew without a doubt your career would be……

We all are amazed at how quickly time passes and even surprised at where or what we thought would be happening.

There is a point to this- it’s simple- just a little reminder. Every day, hour, minute, second is passing us by. It’s unrealistic to say, “I’m going to embrace every moment and live every day like it’s my last” (come on, we gotta work and go on with life!) But we can embrace the little things. Don’t let the small joys of life pass you by. Try not to just drudge thru the day so you wake up 10 years later, well, realizing it’s 10 years later. Don’t look up at your 18 year-old going off to college and regreting that you didn’t spend enough time with them.

Truly seize today- the best you can! Do something today to take it all in. We are blessed to have what we have and live how we live. Each of us. Take in the moment before it slips away.

Thank you for taking this moment today and reading. I hope you have a great day and seize one moment today.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

13Jun 2012

Happy Father’s Day- A Tribute to My Dad

Father’s Day brings up a lot of emotion for many people. Every year, I feel sadness for my Best Friend who lost her Father to cancer 9 years ago. I know it’s a hard day for her. Many of my clients feel hurt, betrayed, unloved, and abandoned by their Fathers. My heart goes out to them as well.

I have always appreciated and loved my Dad, but I think because I see how much pain the loss of a Father can bring, I appreciate him even more.

Today I want to honor my Dad because of the wonderful person he is. I honestly do not know a more kind and loving person. I was blessed to have many positive memories of my life growing up with him that have fostered into a friendship now as adults. I remember him playing wrestling with the 3 of us, which is funny because we are all girls. But he would get on the floor and tickle and wrestle us as we laughed and giggled till our bellies hurt. He would go out in the yard and throw the softball with us. He taught me how to swim and to ride a bike. My Dad worked in a factory, often double shifts, so I know he had to have been tired. Sometimes when I am worn out from work and want to just “sit” when I get home, I think of my Dad in that hot factory with long hours. I somehow muster up the energy to play “Tickle Monster” with my little ones!

My Dad was a very understanding Father. He loved and still loves each of us unconditionally. I’ll never forget when I was a teen, I had some issues I was struggling with that I was afraid to tell him about. I was so fearful of how disappointed he would be in me and how maybe he would think differently of me. However, I never once doubted he would still love me. When I ended up telling him and my Mom about my issues, they both immediately started helping me get the help I needed. They did not shame me or yell at me. They just showed me unconditional love.

The most important thing my Dad modeled for me was his Faith. My Dad has unbelievable Faith! He showed this in his life and in our family over and over and over again. I remember seeing him rise early before he had to leave to work (and the factories start early you know!). He would be at our table, praying and reading his Bible. I know that took a lot of discipline and dedication, yet he always seemed to be enjoying it. He is a man of prayer and I really appreciate that!

It is so fun to see my Dad now being an awesome “Papaw” to my kids. They think the sun rises and sets because of him! Even though his back is sore, he’s worn out, and beat down from life sometimes, he still wrestles with them almost every time they ask him (and that’s a lot!). He takes time to teach them about life and piggyback the values and morals we are trying desperately to teach.

I know every person has their faults. My Dad admittedly has them. But it seems we hear so much negative about Fathers, I wanted to remind people there are good ones out there also! Thank you for letting me brag on mine for a moment. And Dad, thank you for being you and being the best Dad a kid could ever ask for. I love you!

For every Father out there, I want to wish you a wonderful Father’s Day. Being a Father is the most important privilege you will ever have. I honor you and respect you for the huge task you are given. Thank you for reading!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.