Category Archives: Codependency

05Sep 2012

Learn To Say What You Need

I had been at a retreat for the weekend and was so excited to share what all had happened with my husband. Bless his heart, he had juggled three kids for 72 hours as well as his very demanding job. Once the kids were in bed, he asked, “How was the retreat?” He was on his laptop, trying to catch up from work he had missed while he was busy filling up my kids love tanks all weekend.

I started telling him about my weekend while he continued reading and responding to emails. All the sudden I felt hurt. I realized he really wasn’t listening and was just trying to be kind by asking me.

There was a time that would have sent me into a spiral. The lies in my head would have been having a wonderful conversation with me that would go something like this:

“He doesn’t really care about my weekend. Work is more important than me. He loves work more than me.”

Or maybe I would play a game- I would start talking about something random, that had nothing to do with the topic and see how long it would take for him to notice! (I know, I’m ornery!)

The point is, I would respond in an unhealthy way.

This time, I simply said to him, “You know, I can tell you are in the middle of something else. I really appreciate you asking me how my weekend was. It’s really important to me so how about we wait and talk about it when you are done?” He then explained to me that he didn’t have time to get anything done because he had been with the kids. I told him I understood and we actually picked up our conversation in about 5 minutes, with laptop closed and opened ears. It felt much better this way.

In the past, when I was having this negative self talk (conversation with myself) we would have argued the rest of the evening and our conversation about the retreat would have been lost. I’m not saying I have a perfect marriage or that my thoughts are always this positive. But I have worked really hard to change my self-talk. I’ve also worked hard on trying to understand other people’s intentions instead of jumping to conclusions and mind reading. All of these are dangerous things we do to hurt our relationships.

The next time you are feeling hurt, have a different conversation with yourself. Ask yourself what might be going on with this person and how can I tell them what I need right now in a positive way. It will take you a long way!

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

27Apr 2011

The Importance of Boundaries with our Kids

It seems the theme this week, both in my practice and in my life, has been regarding boundaries with kids and our grown-up kids. I’ll take that as a hint that it is blog-worthy!

When I am talking about boundaries, I am referring to guidelines, lines we draw in the sand in relationships, our personal space (physical and emotional), and expectations we have of others.

In parenting, particularly, it can be so difficult to set and keep boundaries with our children. However, when we don’t, they suffer. I mentioned in a previous blog that children actually want boundaries. They have no idea how to be a civilized human being when they are born. That is what we are there to teach them.

I see a lot of parents who say, “I don’t want to be the bad guy” or “I want to be their friend”. I certainly want an amicable relationship with my kids. But right now my main goal is to parent and teach them. To teach them responsibility, taking care of themselves yet caring for others, to live with good character, and ultimately, to have a relationship with God. If I lose out on being their friend in the process of doing this, I am ok with that.

What does it look like when kids that didn’t have good boundaries grow up? What happens when parents constantly rescue them all in the name of “helping them” and don’t let them experience natural consequences to their behaviors? I can tell you what it looks like. The child grows up emotionally crippled. They are unable to take care of themselves. They constantly need money or a place to stay, even though they are old enough to take care of themselves. They are sometimes in and out of trouble and they don’t know how to get out of trouble because someone has always bailed them out.

I am not talking about when your kid might be experiencing bad luck and they need a little help. I am talking about this chronic condition we are seeing now with kids coming back to not just stay a few weeks, but to plant themselves on their parents couch, not work, and mooch off of their parents. I am speaking of the financially irresponsible grown-up child who makes enough money to support themselves but spends their money foolishly on what they want so they don’t have enough money to pay their rent. This is what we are seeing too much of, grown-ups who are crippled because they did not have boundaries to help them learn.

What can you do about it?

When they are young (preventative)

1. When they are little, give children boundaries. Give them your expectations of their responsibilities and behaviors.

2. Follow thru with the boundaries.

3. Initiate consequences if there are not natural consequences to their behaviors.

When they are grown-

1. If they have to move back home, set boundaries and expectations. Set a plan for their employment, when they plan to move out, and how much they plan to help financially while they stay (there is nothing wrong with having them pay something- it encourages them to not get too comfortable and keeps you from paying more in groceries, utilities etc.)

2. Stick to the plan- have regular meetings about what they are doing to stick to it.

3. If it is financial help they need, sit down with them and go over their budget (they will probably not have one- this is a good time to start one!) Find out where the money is going and talk about responsibility. Set boundaries regarding when you will and won’t help them.

4. Stick to your boundaries.

Do you see a theme here? Set boundaries, stick to them. Set boundaries, stick to them!

This may seem mean, non-compassionate, or even not Christ-like. However, God wants us to help others but he also requires us to help ourselves. We MUST do our part and this includes our grown children.

When Jesus healed the crippled man, he didn’t say, “Ok- you are healed! Let me help you up and I’ll clean up your mess you have been laying in.” He said, “Get up! And pick up your mat and walk!” He gave him responsibility to help himself as well. I wonder if Jesus did this to help this man begin to develop dignity and self-respect. He had been laying there for a long time and I’m sure he felt very bad about himself. Maybe Jesus wanted him to begin feeling good again. But he couldn’t do that for him. The man had to start helping himself, now that he could. This is loving compassion. Balancing help with empowering others to help themselves!

That is what I want for my children. To teach them and empower them to help themselves, in return helping others.

Thank you for reading this lengthy blog today. It feels a little preachy, I know. I feel really passionate about this. I hope it has helped you. I would love to hear your stories. Feel free to leave a comment about how boundaries have helped you or your kids.

Have a great week!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

24Nov 2010

Go on vacation with me!

I have recently been enjoying listening to podcasts by Joyce Meyer. For those of you who don’t know her, she is a wonderful speaker and very relevant to today’s world. She has a funny, dry sense of humor that I love. The other day I had kind of been in one of my funk’s, getting mad (in my head, of course) at all the important people in my life, not doing what they were “suppose” to be doing (which is, of course, what I want them to do). I sat down to quietly enjoy my time alone with my ipad to listen to the podcast. I’m smiling, I’m laughing at her, enjoying it. Then she said something that hit me like a 2X4! She said, “Some of you need to go on a vacation- a vacation from trying to change everybody, fix everybody, and control everybody! You need to focus on YOU and YOUR responses to people and let God change them!” Whew! She was right! What I loved even more is that she gave a wonderful visual by sitting back in a beach rocking chair, sunglasses on, with an umbrella in the background! She looked so peaceful as she let her arms go to the side while she let everyone go!

This was a reminder to me that I need to work on ME, change ME, and change MY thinking/responses to and about people. Other people may not change but I don’t have to let them effect me. People are going to generally do what they want to and act how they have always acted. Why do I have to be in charge of changing them?? I don’t! It was freeing to let that go. It got me focused on what I CAN change and helped me even see how I was contributing to the problem that I was identifying in someone else. I was actually contributing to their misery and sitting around complaining (in my head) about how tired I was of them being miserable! Wow! What a moment for me!!

It would help us all to focus on what WE can change in ourselves- our thinking, our responses, and our behaviors. It frees us from the responsibility we put on ourselves to change and fix everyone else. Now every time I get to thinking about how someone needs to do this or I wish they would do that- I picture myself in that chair, taking a vacation from controlling, fixing, and changing. Then I ask what I can do to change or fix me. Go on vacation with me!!!

Thank you for your time today. I hope you have a freeing week!

Podcast: Joyce Meyer: Enjoying Everyday Life: Give God Your All Part 1 and 2

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

Location:N Keystone Ave,Indianapolis,United States

15Oct 2009

Setting Boundaries Can Be Painful

Sometimes it can be painful watching clients make the changes they need to make to feel more healthy. It is always difficult to watch someone who struggles with people pleasing (and codependency) to start setting boundaries with people and get negative results. I know personally what that is like and it can feel defeating.  Unfortunately, many times you will get negative results because people are not used to you saying no or disagreeing with them.

One thing I teach my clients is when you are struggling whether to say no or do something you really don’t want to do, picture how you will feel if you don’t do it. For example, if someone from your child’s school asks you to bake 10 dozen cookies and have them to the school by tomorrow morning, picture how your night will be if you do it and if you don’t do it. Then weigh in your mind which will be more painful; having that person be disappointed that you didn’t help or having the chaos and stress of making all the cookies? Usually when you think about it, not doing it is more rewarding than them not being disappointed in you. But we often immediately think that we can’t let that person be disappointed.

So next time you feel that pit in your stomach, you know, the one where you really don’t think it is best for you to do something, weigh your decision based on how you will feel later. You will grow and enjoy a more peaceful life by doing what is healthy for you.

For more information about codependency check out our group blogs this week.