Category Archives: Boundaries

05Sep 2012

Learn To Say What You Need

I had been at a retreat for the weekend and was so excited to share what all had happened with my husband. Bless his heart, he had juggled three kids for 72 hours as well as his very demanding job. Once the kids were in bed, he asked, “How was the retreat?” He was on his laptop, trying to catch up from work he had missed while he was busy filling up my kids love tanks all weekend.

I started telling him about my weekend while he continued reading and responding to emails. All the sudden I felt hurt. I realized he really wasn’t listening and was just trying to be kind by asking me.

There was a time that would have sent me into a spiral. The lies in my head would have been having a wonderful conversation with me that would go something like this:

“He doesn’t really care about my weekend. Work is more important than me. He loves work more than me.”

Or maybe I would play a game- I would start talking about something random, that had nothing to do with the topic and see how long it would take for him to notice! (I know, I’m ornery!)

The point is, I would respond in an unhealthy way.

This time, I simply said to him, “You know, I can tell you are in the middle of something else. I really appreciate you asking me how my weekend was. It’s really important to me so how about we wait and talk about it when you are done?” He then explained to me that he didn’t have time to get anything done because he had been with the kids. I told him I understood and we actually picked up our conversation in about 5 minutes, with laptop closed and opened ears. It felt much better this way.

In the past, when I was having this negative self talk (conversation with myself) we would have argued the rest of the evening and our conversation about the retreat would have been lost. I’m not saying I have a perfect marriage or that my thoughts are always this positive. But I have worked really hard to change my self-talk. I’ve also worked hard on trying to understand other people’s intentions instead of jumping to conclusions and mind reading. All of these are dangerous things we do to hurt our relationships.

The next time you are feeling hurt, have a different conversation with yourself. Ask yourself what might be going on with this person and how can I tell them what I need right now in a positive way. It will take you a long way!

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

24Aug 2011

Get a Monkey!

I spent my weekend with my monkeys!! Yes, I have monkeys! I love them! They are fun, easy to talk to, understanding, and loving. They lift me up and encourage me when times are tough. In the good, they rejoice with me. No one can make me laugh like my monkeys! Might I add that they are beautiful?!?!

So before you think I have officially gone off the deep end, let me explain.

I had the privilege to spend the weekend at The Women Of Faith Conference downtown. It was nothing less than amazing!!! I was blessed by hearing speakers tell about how they took their pain and made beauty out of their ashes. It was awesome!

On Friday, we listened to Henry Cloud, the author of the book that we highly recommend, “Boundaries”. He was fabulous, funny, and informative. He spoke about what factors into us obtaining what we “Imagine”. What helps us get there? One factor he focused on was being connected to others.

Without going into too much detail, he talked about a study done with monkeys. They were given various stressful situations. The monkeys that were with other monkeys released 1/2 the amount of stress hormones into their body! That proves that they handle stress better when they are not alone! This goes for us, too. Those suffering with depression, anxiety, stress, or major challenges will handle it better if they are not alone.

I completely agree with this and see it played out in my own life and in the lives of my clients. We all need that one person or a group of people who cheer us on and are on our side. They love us no matter how ugly we get or how funny we are.

I am so grateful for my monkeys! I hope you have monkeys, too. If you don’t, go get you some! And if you have one, thank your monkey today!!

Have a great week! Thanks for reading.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

27Apr 2011

The Importance of Boundaries with our Kids

It seems the theme this week, both in my practice and in my life, has been regarding boundaries with kids and our grown-up kids. I’ll take that as a hint that it is blog-worthy!

When I am talking about boundaries, I am referring to guidelines, lines we draw in the sand in relationships, our personal space (physical and emotional), and expectations we have of others.

In parenting, particularly, it can be so difficult to set and keep boundaries with our children. However, when we don’t, they suffer. I mentioned in a previous blog that children actually want boundaries. They have no idea how to be a civilized human being when they are born. That is what we are there to teach them.

I see a lot of parents who say, “I don’t want to be the bad guy” or “I want to be their friend”. I certainly want an amicable relationship with my kids. But right now my main goal is to parent and teach them. To teach them responsibility, taking care of themselves yet caring for others, to live with good character, and ultimately, to have a relationship with God. If I lose out on being their friend in the process of doing this, I am ok with that.

What does it look like when kids that didn’t have good boundaries grow up? What happens when parents constantly rescue them all in the name of “helping them” and don’t let them experience natural consequences to their behaviors? I can tell you what it looks like. The child grows up emotionally crippled. They are unable to take care of themselves. They constantly need money or a place to stay, even though they are old enough to take care of themselves. They are sometimes in and out of trouble and they don’t know how to get out of trouble because someone has always bailed them out.

I am not talking about when your kid might be experiencing bad luck and they need a little help. I am talking about this chronic condition we are seeing now with kids coming back to not just stay a few weeks, but to plant themselves on their parents couch, not work, and mooch off of their parents. I am speaking of the financially irresponsible grown-up child who makes enough money to support themselves but spends their money foolishly on what they want so they don’t have enough money to pay their rent. This is what we are seeing too much of, grown-ups who are crippled because they did not have boundaries to help them learn.

What can you do about it?

When they are young (preventative)

1. When they are little, give children boundaries. Give them your expectations of their responsibilities and behaviors.

2. Follow thru with the boundaries.

3. Initiate consequences if there are not natural consequences to their behaviors.

When they are grown-

1. If they have to move back home, set boundaries and expectations. Set a plan for their employment, when they plan to move out, and how much they plan to help financially while they stay (there is nothing wrong with having them pay something- it encourages them to not get too comfortable and keeps you from paying more in groceries, utilities etc.)

2. Stick to the plan- have regular meetings about what they are doing to stick to it.

3. If it is financial help they need, sit down with them and go over their budget (they will probably not have one- this is a good time to start one!) Find out where the money is going and talk about responsibility. Set boundaries regarding when you will and won’t help them.

4. Stick to your boundaries.

Do you see a theme here? Set boundaries, stick to them. Set boundaries, stick to them!

This may seem mean, non-compassionate, or even not Christ-like. However, God wants us to help others but he also requires us to help ourselves. We MUST do our part and this includes our grown children.

When Jesus healed the crippled man, he didn’t say, “Ok- you are healed! Let me help you up and I’ll clean up your mess you have been laying in.” He said, “Get up! And pick up your mat and walk!” He gave him responsibility to help himself as well. I wonder if Jesus did this to help this man begin to develop dignity and self-respect. He had been laying there for a long time and I’m sure he felt very bad about himself. Maybe Jesus wanted him to begin feeling good again. But he couldn’t do that for him. The man had to start helping himself, now that he could. This is loving compassion. Balancing help with empowering others to help themselves!

That is what I want for my children. To teach them and empower them to help themselves, in return helping others.

Thank you for reading this lengthy blog today. It feels a little preachy, I know. I feel really passionate about this. I hope it has helped you. I would love to hear your stories. Feel free to leave a comment about how boundaries have helped you or your kids.

Have a great week!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

15Jun 2010

Kill em with kindness

I’m still hanging on! 2 days, 1 hour, and 45 minutes until my due date!! We are really excited and I can’t tell you how much I am enjoying my week off with the boys. It was a great decision that I am grateful I made. Today we went to the sprinkler park. I HAD to tell you about this incidence. I can just see some of you laughing out loud as you read this.

We were very excited when we got to the park today because it was an overcast day and we were about 1 of 5 families there. My 5 year-old jumped right in but my 2 year-old was VERY hesitant and fearful. He didn’t like getting splashed. It actually took me 2 hours of patiently de-sensitizing him. He did finally get in and LOVED it! To the point of crying when we left. The kind of funny thing that happened occurred when we first got there. As I mentioned, my little one was scared and I was working with him to get used to it. Suddenly a young boy, approximately 7 years old, came over to us and was about to throw a BIG bucket of water on my little guy! I caught him and said politely, “Could you please not do that. He is still trying to get used to it.” He looked at me and said, “No”. I couldn’t believe it! He then turned to my older son and aimed it at him. I raised my voice and became stern and said, “Hey, don’t do that! They are still trying to get used to it, ok?” He looked me straight in the face and said in a snotty tone, “No!” Ok- those of you that know me know that I am a Mama Bear! I can’t tell you the thoughts that ran thru my mind. I won’t write them to protect my reputation! But I will say I saw myself have an “Ally McBeal” moment- you know- where she used to see herself do things she would never do? I saw myself take that bucket, dump it over his head, and then knock him to the ground with it! But instead, I said, “Could you please show me who your Mom is? I would like to speak with her.” He said, “No. I’m not telling you!”.  I said, “Ok boys, let’s go to a different area where we won’t be bothered”.

We played in another area and he proceeded to run around, chasing young kids with his bucket, as they tearfully ran from him. I couldn’t believe it. Where was his mother?? There weren’t even that many people there, so how could she miss what was going on? I tried to focus on my own kids but it was difficult. I spoke with a Grandmother who was there with her little Granddaughter. She said that he was out of control and had been bullying all the kids. Then, the moment happened that changed the day! Now everyone knows you do not let your kids run at the sprinkler park. It is wet cement and an accident waiting to happen. That is another important reason to watch your kids, because they forget to not run. So as we are having a great time playing, well, still getting the little guy used to it, we hear a loud thud and scrape across the cement. I turn around to see our little bully friend laying on the cement, holding his legs, and crying. I waited a minute to see if his mother would appear to help him. She didn’t. I have to admit, I had to think about the right thing to do. A part of me felt like he got what he deserved. But the more human/mommy part of me wanted to help. So, I kindly walked over to him and said, “Would you like to tell me who your Mommy is now?” He nodded and thru his tears pointed and said. “The one in the blue shirt.” Oooohhh, that explains it- the one with her back turned to the sprinkler area! The one chatting with 5 other women oblivious to what was going on. Hey, I have to give it to her, she wasn’t on her phone!!! I politely went over to her and said, “Your son fell, is hurt, and asking for you.” She said, “Thank you” and went over to him. The Grandparent that I had been talking to earlier said, “You’re a lot nicer than I would have been!”.  I said, “You know, sometimes you have to kill em with kindness. I really want my boys to learn to be kind and they were watching.”

I have to admit, I thought for a split second about not being kind. But where would that have got me today? What would my boys have thought? It’s so important to live what we teach them. I talked with my son about it on the way home. We talked about removing yourself from bully situations if you can, being kind even when others aren’t, and “what comes around goes around”. It was a lot of lessons for my 5 year-old to take in but I think he at least got the kindness part.

So the next time you’re at the point of decision whether to be kind or not, remember what comes around goes around. We ended up having a LOVELY day. The sun came out, my little guy got in the sprinkler, and bully boy…..he literally sat out with his Mama the rest of the afternoon!!

Thanks for reading.

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

27Apr 2010

Unhealthy people and Forgiveness

Recently, I had planned to do a blog on how being in a toxic environment can jade you, even when you are in recovery, and cause you to see things in an unhealthy way and react with unhealthy behaviors. Then I read Joleen’s recent blog at http://www.imaginehopecounseling.com/jwblog. She had done the work for me! She talks about being in a toxic environment and how that can cause us to act in unhealthy ways.  Definitely one to check out. Once you read her blog, you can continue forward with this one and it will make more sense.

Her poor furry friend had been abused by his previous owner and been surrounded by unhealthy behaviors and a toxic environment. Once he got out of the toxicity, he was able to function better and have more healthy behaviors. This made me think of my clients that I deal with that have been abused physically, emotionally, or sexually. It also triggered me to think of my own abusers in my life- the pain it took to work thru and recover from their abuse and then how I worked thru my forgiveness of them.  Many of my clients ask me- “How do I work thru forgiveness with this person when they are not safe to be around?” I then work with them, as I did in my own recovery, on how to forgive an unsafe person. You do the work within yourself and with God to forgive this person and accept that they were human and made mistakes. You make a conscious decision every day or when it comes up, that you have forgiven this person and are not letting this circumstance control you. “I have let that go and don’t need to go back”  is often something my clients use to help with this. For me, I then give it to God and ask Him to heal my heart. My clients have found this helpful as well. Of course, this is a longer process than what I am able to describe, but it is possible to do it without confronting that person. I often use the following example to help my clients understand how they can still do this and keep a safe distance. I say to them: “If someone hurt your child, physically or sexually, and you knew that person was still sick and could potentially abuse, you wouldn’t allow that person to still be around them would you?” Do you need to forgive them? Absolutely! But that doesn’t mean you have to put your children in harms way to have the child talk to the perpetrator about the forgiveness. That would be harmful to them.

In a nutshell, if you have someone you need to forgive but you haven’t because they are not safe, don’t let that stop you. You can still forgive them and find healing and peace within yourself without putting yourself in harms way.

Additionally, to piggyback Joleen’s blog- I think it is worth repeating from her blog- check your environment for unhealthy people, boundaries, and behaviors. Even those in recovery can appear healthy in one place but enter in the “toxic” environment and start acting in unhealthy ways.

Thank you for reading and thank you, Joleen for the great blog to spur further blogging in me.

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.