Category Archives: Therapy

18Jan 2012

Do You Need Your Lens Cleaned?

I came into work this week after 4 days of playing with my kids, taking care of our home, and not having a “routine schedule”. As I eased into my work on my ipad something just felt “off”. It didn’t take me long to realize that my glasses were dirty!! How embarrassing to admit that but it does take me awhile to notice things when I’m running around like a chicken with its head cut off in the mornings.

I quickly reached into my desk drawer and pulled out my cloth and cleaner. As I put my glasses back on I actually said out loud, “Wow! Not that’s better!” I can’t believe I was walking around (and driving) like that! Smudges, dust and dirt, make-up. Yuck!

I think we get like that sometimes. Not even noticing that our relationships have some smudges that might be making it difficult. Our friendships are being damaged by some dust and dirt that we haven’t worked on in our lives. Maybe some smears that effect how we parent our kids. They become un-noticeable to us, yet noticeable to those on the receiving end of our relationships.

This is one reason why I love what I do. People come in with the smudges, smears, dust, and dirt. I get to view their stories thru a clear lens. See, I don’t carry around their baggage all day so I get a fresh perspective. This is why I believe therapy is so important. To get a different perspective from someone who is not emotionally involved and isn’t IN your life. You come in, tell your story, and hopefully get to hear what your Therapist sees without the smudges and stuff. If you have a good Therapist who is working on their own stuff (so they don’t get your stuff and their stuff confused), you can then take what feedback they give you and wipe your lenses clean.

It’s so awesome to watch people who really work at Therapy and make true life changes.

Now another key is, that person has to WANT to change. I heard a bad but funny joke in church a few weeks ago- How many Therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one but the light has to WANT to change! Ok, really bad. But I chuckled as I thought about how true that is for Therapy! You have to WANT to wipe the lenses. The Therapist can hand you the cleaner and the cloth but you have to actually clean the lens.

So that’s my plug for Therapy. I try not to do that too often- I don’t want my blog to be a lecture about coming to Therapy. But sometimes I see an analogy and can’t let it go! :)

Thank you for reading this week. Hey….do you need your lens cleaned?

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

11Jan 2012

Your Life as a Reality Show!

I’m amazed at how hooked we can get on being voyeurs into people’s lives! The popularity of watching reality shows about rich people, drugged up former rock stars, and people singing for a million dollar contract has replaced the once popular sit-coms we all enjoyed. I admit, I love peeking into the lives of the American Idol contestants and finding out what they are really like!

We often joke around here and about how our lives outside of session could be a reality show. We all really enjoy working together. We like to laugh together (often AT each other) and playing jokes on each other. When you think about it, our careers are pretty intense, listening to challenges all day long. So we need somewhere to let go and laugh. This is the place! And we actually think people would enjoy watching it! (Or maybe we would only enjoy it!)

This got me thinking about what if our lives were a reality show? Would we be embarrassed of our lives people don’t see? Now I don’t mean the day-to-day things we wouldn’t want people to see. Yes, we all go to the bathroom, make occasional noises we don’t want others to hear, and laugh at things we probably shouldn’t. But I mean how we LIVE.

Would you want your co-workers knowing that you go home and scream at your kids at night? Or that you go home and eat a bag of chips, washing it down with a box of Twinkies. Or would you want people at your church or parish knowing you view porn when your family goes to sleep or that you’ve gambled your retirement away? Those are the kinds of things I am talking about.

Now none of us would truly want to be followed around 24/7 with a camera. But in general, do you live your life the way you portray it? Or do you have double (even triple) lives?

It’s important to think about WHO we want to be and live that out in every area of our lives. I think that’s part of the problem. So many people aren’t sure who they are so they go thru life trying to figure that out by filling voids, trying things secretly to fill the void, and all the while feeling empty and still not knowing who they are.

If you feel this way, I encourage you to call us. Therapy is a safe, non-judgmental place where you can let someone see the reality show of your life without judgement or being afraid that you are hurting them. They can help you sort thru it, find the voids, and work on who you REALLY want to be.

So what’s your reality show??

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

25Mar 2010

God loves us when we’re messy!

I am not a morning person, ask anyone in my family! I have been forced to get better with this since I have been married and have had children. It’s not their fault I don’t like it, so I have learned to grin and bear it. But I have to say, one of my favorite parts of the day is when my kids wake up in that groggy, messed up hair, eyes half shut state. I always love to hug them right away and kiss their cute little curls on their head! They are just so precious at that moment. Now I know what’s coming down the pipe for the day- sibling fights, arguing about not wanting to take a bath, lots of yucky diapers! But at that moment, all is well!

A few weeks ago, I was listening to someone speak about how God loves us when we are messy. He seems to love us even more at those times when we are a mess. When we are going thru difficult times or when we are really getting to the heart of things and working thru our pain. Wow! I had never thought of that. I used to feel like the more messy I was, the more I was disappointing Him. But to think He is actually looking at me the way I see my children in the morning- with that gleam in his eye, thinking I look precious. That is so awesome! I am so glad He sees us in spite of our messes, that we often create, and loves us even more. He wants to hug us and kiss us on the head, even though we are a mess.

As I am writing this, I am also thinking about my clients. The couples I see are often defensive and ready to fight their partner when they come in. As they slowly let down their walls and let their partner see and experience their pain, they become more vulnerable and messy. It’s a wonderful time as a Therapist to see this transformation. All of the sudden, their spouse can see that raw part of them and actually feel empathy and compassion for their partner. You see a major shift in the relationship. All because they were willing to get messy with each other. Or the individual who comes in, finally lets out something they have been carrying for years, and cries their eyes out. With puffy eyes and running nose they are a mess. Yet they have a glow about them that makes them look more beautiful then before. Great things can happen when we get messy!

What relationships do you need to get messy in to reach a better place in your relationship? Your spouse? Your kids? Yourself? God? Get messy and see what happens!

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a wonderful week!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

05Nov 2009

Controlled Separation vs Divorce Part 2

In my last blog I talked about Controlled Separation. Many people want to know what a Controlled Separation actually looks like. Basically, the partners separate living space. If financially possible, one partner actually moves out. Or, if their are children involved, some couples choose to rent an apartment. When one partner is at the home with the children, the other partner stays in the apartment. This is great for the children in that it does not disrupt their living space. However,  this only works if the couple is amicable and can respect each other’s space when they are at the apartment and home of origin.

Then it is decided what will happen financially. Most money is frozen except for what is needed to live comfortably. This again takes a lot of trust and for some couples it is better to get legal counsel and draw up a separation agreement.

Child custody is usually split, unless one parent does not want the children for 50% of the time.

The goal is reconciliation so the couple is wise not to start dating other peaople. This just gets things more complicated and takes energy away from the goal of reconciliation.

The partners decide how much family involvement they will have together. For example, do they want to have dinner out one night a week together with the kids as a family?

The kids are told what is happening and that the goal is to get back together but no promises are made.

Sex is up to each individual couple and recommended ONLY if both partners feel comfortable. Usually in the beginning it is best to not have sex so the actual “space” between each other is felt.

Counseling is mandatory! This will not work without a coach and a contract between the couple.

These are just the major guidelines. There is a lot more to do this. For further information read “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by Lee Raffel

Natalie Chandler is passionate about doing marriage counseling as well as individual counseling at Imagine Hope Counseling Group.

29Oct 2009

Controlled Separation vs. Divorce

Many clients come to me feeling they have two options: stay together and be miserable or divorce. Many of them feel too overwhelmed with the thought of staying together and trying to work it out. Unfortunately, they feel it would be “easier” to get a divorce. There is an alternative or in-between: Controlled Separation.

A Controlled Separation is basically a separation of space with the goal of reconciliation. The hope is to get enough space between the two partners so that they can sort thru their feelings and begin dating again with a “fresh” perspective. As therapists, we coach the couple to learn to communicate effectively. This is much easier when there is some space between sessions and not as much friction. We also teach them how to date and court each other again. We slowly move back into the process of being a couple again. Then we tackle the huge issues that brought them to counseling in the first place.

We have seen this do AMAZING things for couples who do it right and stick with it. They actually feel they can talk and love each other again. I will continue this further in my next blog that gives more details to a Controlled Separation.