Category Archives: Communication

05Sep 2012

Learn To Say What You Need

I had been at a retreat for the weekend and was so excited to share what all had happened with my husband. Bless his heart, he had juggled three kids for 72 hours as well as his very demanding job. Once the kids were in bed, he asked, “How was the retreat?” He was on his laptop, trying to catch up from work he had missed while he was busy filling up my kids love tanks all weekend.

I started telling him about my weekend while he continued reading and responding to emails. All the sudden I felt hurt. I realized he really wasn’t listening and was just trying to be kind by asking me.

There was a time that would have sent me into a spiral. The lies in my head would have been having a wonderful conversation with me that would go something like this:

“He doesn’t really care about my weekend. Work is more important than me. He loves work more than me.”

Or maybe I would play a game- I would start talking about something random, that had nothing to do with the topic and see how long it would take for him to notice! (I know, I’m ornery!)

The point is, I would respond in an unhealthy way.

This time, I simply said to him, “You know, I can tell you are in the middle of something else. I really appreciate you asking me how my weekend was. It’s really important to me so how about we wait and talk about it when you are done?” He then explained to me that he didn’t have time to get anything done because he had been with the kids. I told him I understood and we actually picked up our conversation in about 5 minutes, with laptop closed and opened ears. It felt much better this way.

In the past, when I was having this negative self talk (conversation with myself) we would have argued the rest of the evening and our conversation about the retreat would have been lost. I’m not saying I have a perfect marriage or that my thoughts are always this positive. But I have worked really hard to change my self-talk. I’ve also worked hard on trying to understand other people’s intentions instead of jumping to conclusions and mind reading. All of these are dangerous things we do to hurt our relationships.

The next time you are feeling hurt, have a different conversation with yourself. Ask yourself what might be going on with this person and how can I tell them what I need right now in a positive way. It will take you a long way!

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

30Nov 2011

A Quick Tip for Women When Their Partner is Hurting

Two weeks ago I gave a quick tip for men when their partners are hurting. Today I wanted to give a quick tip for women. This is something I have observed in my sessions and learned in my own marriage.

In the same way we women do not want to be “fixed” when we are hurting, in general, men do not want to “talk about their feelings” right away either. Again, this is in general. There are always exceptions.

When they are hurting, most men need some space. They need to go to their cave as John Gray in Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus so kindly put it. They need a little time to get away and think about things on their own. Usually after they do this, they are more able to tell you how they feel.

Because we are more emotional, and yes, we actually enjoy talking about our feelings, we think this is what they NEED! And if they don’t, they are pulling away from us. Usually this is more about us and our own insecurities than about them. When we perceive them pulling away, we start thinking and wondering if we did something or is he mad at me….. You know the drill- we start spiraling. But if we can give him his space, hopefully later he will be more open to talking (when we have created a loving, comfortable environment in our relationship).

Now a side note to men, in the same way you may need to be reminded from time to time to not fix us, it would help tremendously if you could let us know you need some space but would be willing to talk later. Then we can feel a little more confident that “WE” are okay and it’s something you need to work thru. Thank you- that helps a lot!

Let me know if these tips have been helpful. If so, I have plenty of them. One wonderful perk of my job- I get to learn what to do and what NOT to do in relationships!

Thank you for reading and again, for the comments I get each week via email/blog. I appreciate you all.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

05Oct 2011

An App for Reading Thoughts??

I just had lunch with my hubby. I enjoy having lunch with him- it’s a bright spot in my day. My husband is an IT guy so he loves to fill me in on the latest gadgets and inventions :) . Poor guy- he’s married to the most technically challenged person in the world! But I try to listen and hear what he’s excited about.

Today my ears perked up as he shared with me a new app (I think that’s what it is lol) on the new Iphone4S (oh dear, I’m sure I’m botching this!). Anyway, he was telling me how you can be driving home, have your phone in your pocket, and say, “Text Natalie- tell her I’m on my way”. And it will actually text me the message. WOW! Now THAT is way cool!!

As we started talking further, I told him that I thought it would be cool if someday my phone could read my mind: “Text Cary and tell him I’m driving but I’m thinking about him”. Or “Send me a notification to remember to return Tammy’s phone call when I get home.” Or my favorite would be- “Add Kleenex to my grocery list’! Now THAT would be cool- my thoughts in my phone!

Ok, let me reel myself in here before you hang up on me (or quit reading I guess I should say!) I think often we think our partners (or friends and family) have this feature. We are upset or hurt by something and we don’t want to say it. We think they should know us well enough that we shouldn’t have to speak the words- they should just know. It’s unfair that we put this on people we love and care about. No one can read our minds and we would help our relationships if we accept this, be adult, and state our needs.

On the contrary, many of us (uh hum, myself included) think because we are “feelings” people and we think emotionally, that we can read peoples minds and know what they are going to say or what they are thinking. Oh this is dangerous! We can end up putting words in people’s mouths! If we know what they are already going to say, we don’t hear what they actually say because we think we already know and are preparing our answer. Not fair and dangerous.

Both of these are unhealthy ways to relate. Although it would be great to have an app to read thoughts (ummm..maybe not!), we don’t have one. So we need to make sure we state our thoughts/feelings/needs and actually listen to others thoughts/feelings/needs in our relationships.

As for me, I’m wondering if I need that new Iphone!!

Thank you for reading and have a great day!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

23Jun 2011

Choosing to Not Ruin My Lunch

My husband and I have had a weekly lunch date for many years. We enjoy going out together, without the kids, and having uninterrupted conversation. Last year, my husband took a job further away. Unfortunately, we had to alter our ritual. We had to go down to every other week and lately it’s been one time a month! It’s been hard, but with each of us driving 15 minutes there and then 15 minutes back just to meet in the middle, it’s become difficult. However, the time is even more cherished now that’s it’s less frequent.

Last week was a particularly busy week for the both of us. My husband was 30 minutes late in calling me to tell me he was leaving to meet me. While I was waiting, I was afraid to make any calls that I needed to make because I wanted to be ready as soon as he could go. I couldn’t get a hold of him to see what was up. I don’t do well waiting on people and I don’t like people waiting on me. I value my time and others time as well. So this is a button of mine, I know (I’m still re-reading that patience book! lol). But I have to confess, I was FUMING! I had SO much I needed to do. I felt so frustrated as I waited, killing time. After 25 minutes I realized I had wasted all of that time and started to get into doing something. So when he called, I was short and let him know I was not happy.

I am grateful for our 15 minute drive to meet. I was able to have a conversation with myself that went something like this (Yes I was talking to myself- we Therapists call this “self-talk”).

Me to myself: “Oh I am TICKED! I’m gonna let him know when I see him that I am NOT happy! He KNOWS how busy I am. I just blew off a half hour! Do you know how much I could have done in 30 stinking minutes?? We only get to do this once a month now- seriously? Oh I am MAD!! Well he can go get groceries now when he gets off work because I will have to return the calls and emails that I could have just completed during that time. I’m gonna let him know that as soon as I see him!”

This went on for about 5 minutes. Suddenly, I realized I had a choice to change this conversation.

Me to myself: (Deep breath!) “Wait a minute. You have been waiting for this all day. Are you going to be mad and ruin it because he was late? Do you think he really wanted to be stuck in work rather than be with you? Probably not. (But I’m still ticked!) Yeah, so you’re mad. Can you let him know and then get over it so you can enjoy your lunch? Or do you want to ruin the lunch? No, you want to enjoy the lunch. So you have a choice, you can be ticked, let him know, and punish him or you can let him know how you feel, let it go, and enjoy your lunch. It’s not worth it. I’m letting go!”

At that moment, I took some deep breaths and decided I wanted to enjoy the lunch. When I saw my husband, he immediately apologized and explained he was in a meeting that ran over and he had left his phone on his desk so he couldn’t even text me. He then asked how I was doing today. Very calmly I said, “I am frustrated because I had a lot I could of done while I was waiting. I’m disappointed.” He apologized again and I honestly let it go.

I am in no way saying I am the perfect role model of healthy behavior. Sometimes i choose to be angry and ruin my perfect moments. But I have learned from that and I am just giving an example of how we do have a choice in our self-talk and in our behaviors. When our conversations with ourselves are spiraling, we can stop those, too. We can choose to act differently than in the past or how we were taught. How many times do we let perfect moments pass us by just to punish others to show them we are mad? We really punish ourselves, too.

One note about this- I am not in any way saying to use this as an excuse to not tell your partner how you are feeling. I did tell my husband how I felt, I just chose to not make a big issue out of it. It was a mistake and there was nothing he could have done about it. So I let it go. There are times when issues need to be discussed further. This just wasn’t one of them.

I am so glad I chose, at least on this day, to let my husband know how I felt and then let it go. We had a great lunch together.

Thank you for reading this rather lengthy blog today. I hope you CHOOSE to have a great day!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

02Mar 2011

How Technology Can Create Communication Issues

Over the past 2 weeks I have had 3 different conversations that have gone bad. How?? They were communicated thru email or text! I do love the convenience of texting and emailing. I must say it has made my life so much easier to be able to text my husband that I am on my way home rather than having to dial, wait for him to pick up, and then we would inevitably get into a conversation about our day. Only postponing me getting home due to our chatting. It’s hard for those of us who enjoy talking to just cut to the chase. Texting does that for us!

However, these recent conversations have been a reminder to me of the importance of actually picking up the phone and talking. Here are some reminders of why and when it’s important:

When:
1. When there is a potential for conflict.

2. When conflict is already on the rise and happening.

3. When the person you are going to communicate with has difficulty hearing what you say in a positive manner (when you are actually trying to be positive). If you know someone who has a hard time hearing you when you are positive, then definitely do not email them something that is negative!

4. When you communicate in a way that can sometimes sound more terse than is intended.

Why?
1. People read emails and texts in the voice that they use to talk to themselves. Many peoples internal dialogue is not very positive. So if you are trying to express something to them that could actually be positive, they could hear it in a critical or shaming voice.

2. People cannot see your body language. I am amazed at what our bodies communicate. Because this is something I constantly watch for and listen to in my sessions, it is so important for me to see how someone was saying something as much as the importance of what they said.

3. You cannot hear voice inflection or tone in your emails or texts.
Someone could just be in a really bad place emotionally when they receive your communication. You have no control over when they read it. If you actually talk to them you can say, “Is now a good time for us to talk?”.

All of these are important reasons why we need to think before doing our natural habit of communicating via technology. Luckily for me, 2 of my text conversations turned our quite funny. Our misunderstanding with each other cracked us all up! But this is not always the case.

Thank you so much for reading today! I hope you have a wonderful week.

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.