Category Archives: Marriage Counseling

24Oct 2012

10 Barriers to Communication in Relationships

This is a blog that I wrote previously for MarriageAdvice.com. Imagine Hope writes for them weekly. It’s a great site to check out. I thought this info might be helpful for anyone in a relationship. Enjoy!

10 Barriers to Communication in Marriage

As a marriage therapist, you learn a lot of what not to do in a relationship by sitting across from couples who are struggling on a daily basis with communication. Hopefully it will be helpful for you to see some barriers and pick a couple that you want to focus on.

Avoiding conflict
There is nothing wrong with conflict…. when it’s done in a healthy way! It can even bring you closer and create more emotional (and physical) intimacy. Most couples are afraid of conflict. In fact, some of my couples who come in are so proud to admit they never fight. I tell them I worry more about them than I do the couples who I have to referee.

It’s normal to have conflict when you have two people, brought up two different ways, living under one roof, and many times raising multiple kids. Who wouldn’t argue? It’s how you do it. So don’t avoid it.

Mind reading
This one is dangerous- this is when you believe you know what your partner is thinking or feeling and you base your reaction on your belief. It’s dangerous because you are assuming that you are right and may respond or react based on your belief and not what they are actually thinking or feeling.

Sandbagging
What’s sandbagging? It’s piling on one complaint after another, causing your partner to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. It’s important to stick to one issue or concern at a time.

It’s helpful to keep a notepad handy and write down something if you think it’s important enough to talk about later. Then at another time, let your partner know you would like to discuss it. But to bring up too much at once can make the conversation get too heated and your partner may feel they can’t see the forest for the trees so to speak.

Black and White Thinking
This is when someone thinks about things in extremes. They are not willing to see or think about the gray. When partners can’t see the gray, it can cause negative thinking and lack of compromise. It’s important to not get stuck in this type of thinking.

Not really listening because you are focusing on what you are going to say next
If you are formulating your answer or thinking ahead of what/how you are going to say something, you are not truly engaged in what your partner is trying to tell you. You may be able to repeat it back, but you probably aren’t fully aware of their feelings or able to have empathy and understanding for what they are saying.

Interrupting
This is the same thing- if you are interrupting, then you were thinking about what you were going to say and not listening. Besides that, it’s rude!

Thinking everything must be resolved and you can’t agree to disagree
Did you know that many problems in a marriage can’t be solved? Yep, me- a marriage therapist is telling you this. Many times there is not a solution. Most of the time, partners just want to be heard. Sometimes it really does help couples to just listen and try to understand each other. Notice I didn’t say agree. I said try to understand where their partner is coming from.

Many times when problems can’t be resolved, couples need to just listen, validate or empathize with their partner’s feelings, and agree to disagree or agree to come back to it another time.

Feeling you always have to be right and prove your point
I love how Dr. Phil says, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” It’s so true. People who think they are right and have to prove it (usually because they are insecure in the first place) leave others to feel frustrated and defeated. “Why try if they are always right anyway?”, I hear partners say.
It’s okay to admit you are wrong sometimes, even admit your partner be right for a change, and even keep it to yourself if you are right. No one enjoys talking to a know-it-all. Keep it to yourself sometimes.

Leaving abruptly either physically or emotionally.
It’s true- sometimes things get heated and you need a timeout. It is okay to do this as long as you designate to your partner why you are leaving, when you will be back, and that you are willing to continue talking when you return and cool off.

What is not okay is to just leave the house and slam the door behind you because you are mad. Or to just cut off the conversation because you are “done” and don’t want to talk anymore. And then going a week without talking to your spouse. I know none of you would ever do this but some people do, and it’s unhealthy!

Bringing up old issues as weapons
If something has been worked thru in the past, it is hurtful to keep throwing it up in your partners face. Speaking of throwing it up, it literally feels like vomit! It stinks, it stains, and makes the person feel worse because you are throwing it up on them!

It’s not helpful. If you still have an issue with something from the past, it is not going to be productive to bring it up when you are in conflict over something else.

Think about it at another time and ask yourself if it’s truly important or were you just using it to hurt, as a weapon? If so, let it go. If not, and it is still an issue, talk with your partner, at a different time, about how you are feeling, letting them know you may need to revisit it.

What can you do?
I’m sure many of you reading this can recognize the barriers that your partner is creating. For those of you thinking this way, I would like for you to go back and read it again and think of what barriers YOU are creating!

Then start small. Pick one or two that you want to focus on. After you have mastered them, pick one or two more.

Good luck breaking down those barriers that create walls in your relationship. Breaking down the walls will create the intimacy we all wish and long for! Thank you for reading.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC, LCAC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

17Oct 2012

To Everything There is a Season

For those of you in Indiana and the wonderful states that display the change of seasons, don’t you just love Fall? It’s beautiful with all the colors and changes. I literally feel awestruck at times.

Today this made me think of the seasons in our lives. In life there are ups and downs, challenges and victories. Many people know the Bible verse in Ecclesiastes that says, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…” This has great truth to it, whether you are a person of Faith or not. Let me explain.

Most of my clients that come in are experiencing a “winter”. They are feeling depressed, anxious, going thru grief, or their marriage is crumbling. Life is not fun, they are just getting “thru”, and feel little life or joy.

Those that work thru their struggles and challenges often experience “spring” when they finish therapy. They feel like they have a new beginning and a fresh start. I’ve had people say they feel like they have a new life!

After they adjust to their “new life”, they beginning living it out day by day and feeling the fruits of their labor. They are experiencing “summer” in their life. It is fun, adventurous, exciting, and more relaxed.

Many times people will come back in because they hit a bump in the road. I always encourage people to come in before “winter” hits, so to speak. So they may have experienced a change in jobs, or they may have started feeling depressed again (but not like before- just the beginning stages), or they may be experiencing challenges in their relationships. Life is not bleak and bad, but they are starting to feel blue. This is the “fall”. Winter has not yet settled in, thankfully, but they don’t feel like they did in the summer.

There truly are seasons in our lives and in our relationships, so it’s very normal to go thru them. I try to remind couples who just had a baby but are fighting like cats and dogs- This is a season, you are in winter- you’ll see Spring again. To those soon to be empty nesters who are starting to face the reality of an empty house- this is fall, and yes winter is coming- let’s prepare for it so you move thru it back into spring. For those grieving, yes, this is winter- let’s shovel thru it so you can feel spring again soon.

I think many times in life and relationships we can convince ourselves that the hard times are not going to pass or get any better. If we can remember that there are seasons and it’s normal to have them, it can put things in better perspective and help us move thru the difficult ones. And make us cherish the spring and summers of our lives.

Thank you for reading. I hope your week is full of spring and summer, wherever you are!
God bless!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

27Mar 2012

Re-Charge Your Relationship Battery!

This past weekend, my husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary! (Yayy! Thank you- I hear the cheers!):) We had a great time, spending it with just the two of us. We had uninterrupted conversations (a commodity), great food (2 date nights!), sleep, and yes, of course some Sweet 16 basketball and shopping (every relationship needs compromise!!)

When we have these weekends together, we are reminded of what made us fall in love and how much fun we used to have dating. It was before kids, bills, serious careers, and curve balls that life threw at us. It’s so easy, even in a good relationship, to let life get in the way and make those memories fade.

That’s why it’s so important to make these times happen and recharge the relationship battery! It doesn’t just “happen” either. It takes some planning on both partners parts and usually some major problem solving. I literally felt like I had to move mountains to make this weekend happen. There was so much to figure out- childcare, finances, schedules etc. It wasn’t easy. But if you can get creative, be flexible, and think outside of the box- it can happen!

I preach this all the time to my clients. I must confess, since my last child was born 21 months ago, I have let this slide. But after this weekend, I am reminded of its importance and am committed to not letting it go this long again.

I’m sure if you reading this and are not in a marriage, I have lost you by now. But if not, I want you to think about your relationships- friendships, family, your kids. What could you do to recharge those batteries as well? Have a cellphone free day with the kids and take them to the park! Spend the day shopping with your Mom. Or hey, what about your relationship with yourself? You could use a day in the park, on a blanket, reading a book. Or a day at the spa would feed your soul!

We are all in relationships and they all can use a re-charge! I’m so grateful I recharged mine this weekend. What can you do to recharge yours today?

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

16Nov 2011

A Quick Tip for Men when their Partner is Hurting

I believe I was about 4 months pregnant with my 2nd son. I was so upset about something (I can’t remember what right now- but it was really important!) I was in our bedroom crying when my husband walked in. He was just popping his head in to get something as he was enjoying the Bears game downstairs. He didn’t realize he had walked into the tornado or he would have done without whatever he came in to get! I started crying even harder and telling him what I was upset about. He started offering suggestions and giving different ideas to help. In my pain, I shot every one down. I wasn’t even listening- that’s not what I needed. I think it finally hit him, remembering from previous conversations, what I needed. He took me in his arms, let me cry, and told me it was going to be ok. I cried for a minute longer and then felt better. I looked at him and said, “If you would of done this 20 minutes ago you wouldn’t have missed the whole quarter of that game!” We both laughed. He realized what I was really needing was comfort- not suggestions.

It’s amazing to me how different men and women truly are. I have to be honest- sometimes I ask God, “What were you THINKING!?!?” I see it played out day after day with the couples I work with, with my friends in their relationships, and played out in my own marriage.

I don’t mean to be stereotypical by any means but I am just stating what I see everyday. Generally, men are fixers and women are relational/feelers. Time after time I see a woman sitting on my couch crying and sharing her pain. Her husband feels so helpless that he starts offering suggestions and things they can do to “make it better”. I see the tears turn to frustration and anger. She doesn’t want him to fix her, she wants him just to “be” with her. Hold her, let her know he is there, or just empathize with her pain. This is where I literally wish I had a pause button. I would pause the session and say to him on the side, “This is where you just hold her and listen. Let her know you are here with her.” Then hit play and watch it play out. It would go 100% better.

There is not anything wrong with how we were created. I trust that the good Lord knew what He was doing when he created us so differently. We just need to understand those differences and find ways to love each other despite our differences. It is also our responsibility to share with our partner exactly what our needs are. If I had not ever shared that with my husband, he probably wouldn’t have thought to do that.

The week after Thanksgiving, I will talk about one way women can actually help when their husband is in pain.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you have a great week!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

09Mar 2011

LOVE: A Feeling or an Action?

Almost every part of what we do in counseling at Imagine Hope deals with relationships. Whether it be a couple sitting in front of us in marriage counseling, hoping to restore their broken relationship, or an individual who is depressed and doesn’t like their self, thus creating a poor relationship with themselves. In relationships, inevitably, love comes up. Love for each other, ourselves, God, things- love is a topic of discussion.

I believe love is a feeling and an action. We definitely feel love. We feel it when we choose our partner, when we have children, for our parents, friends, for God. Most of us know how it feels to love. Most of us are blessed enough to also feel loved, which is no doubt, one of the best feelings we can have.

But what we hear quite frequently is that a couple “fell out of love” or “I just don’t love myself or take care of myself like I know I need to.” People have given up working on their relationships and themselves because they are living life based on their feelings.

No doubt, feelings are important. They tell us things and give us signals for what is going on around us. However, we can easily allow ourselves to be led BY our feelings. How many times do you say, “I just don’t feel like it so I’m not going to do it!” This is dangerous in relationships. There will be many times when we don’t “feel” like doing something. If we allow our feelings to become the leader and controller of our lives we will be in a mess. Every time you “feel” like not going into work, do you stay home? Sometimes you may but most of the time you don’t. When you “feel” like ramming your car into the person in front of you because he pulled out in front of you, do you do it? NO! You don’t want to ruin your car! Maybe his, but not yours! See, all day long we hopefully make good decisions that aren’t led by our feelings. But somehow in our relationships we think we can do it differently and then still maintain a good relationship. NO WAY! Many times, you will need to lead yourself to do something you don’t feel like doing. For example, taking out the trash because you know that your partner’s love language is Acts of Service. Or, giving a hug to your husband when he comes home, even though the kids have been climbing on you all day long and you don’t want to be touched! Having sex with your partner when your “not in the mood”, because it’s been awhile and that’s how they feel loved.

These things need to be intentional. They don’t come natural. We are innately self-centered beings. But if we become aware of our feelings and don’t necessarily ACT on them, or act in spite of them, we can have more positive relationships.

Love costs something. To love someone, even if they are easy to love, takes time, energy, emotion. So to do something intentional that will cause your partner or friend to feel loved, is to give them a gift. And don’t forget yourself. If you struggle with low self-worth, what can you do to show love for yourself? That’s important, too.

So remember, love is an action. Don’t let your feelings lead you, lead your feelings. Do something for someone you love so they feel loved, whether you feel like it or not!

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a LOVELY day!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.