Category Archives: Anger

23Jun 2011

Choosing to Not Ruin My Lunch

My husband and I have had a weekly lunch date for many years. We enjoy going out together, without the kids, and having uninterrupted conversation. Last year, my husband took a job further away. Unfortunately, we had to alter our ritual. We had to go down to every other week and lately it’s been one time a month! It’s been hard, but with each of us driving 15 minutes there and then 15 minutes back just to meet in the middle, it’s become difficult. However, the time is even more cherished now that’s it’s less frequent.

Last week was a particularly busy week for the both of us. My husband was 30 minutes late in calling me to tell me he was leaving to meet me. While I was waiting, I was afraid to make any calls that I needed to make because I wanted to be ready as soon as he could go. I couldn’t get a hold of him to see what was up. I don’t do well waiting on people and I don’t like people waiting on me. I value my time and others time as well. So this is a button of mine, I know (I’m still re-reading that patience book! lol). But I have to confess, I was FUMING! I had SO much I needed to do. I felt so frustrated as I waited, killing time. After 25 minutes I realized I had wasted all of that time and started to get into doing something. So when he called, I was short and let him know I was not happy.

I am grateful for our 15 minute drive to meet. I was able to have a conversation with myself that went something like this (Yes I was talking to myself- we Therapists call this “self-talk”).

Me to myself: “Oh I am TICKED! I’m gonna let him know when I see him that I am NOT happy! He KNOWS how busy I am. I just blew off a half hour! Do you know how much I could have done in 30 stinking minutes?? We only get to do this once a month now- seriously? Oh I am MAD!! Well he can go get groceries now when he gets off work because I will have to return the calls and emails that I could have just completed during that time. I’m gonna let him know that as soon as I see him!”

This went on for about 5 minutes. Suddenly, I realized I had a choice to change this conversation.

Me to myself: (Deep breath!) “Wait a minute. You have been waiting for this all day. Are you going to be mad and ruin it because he was late? Do you think he really wanted to be stuck in work rather than be with you? Probably not. (But I’m still ticked!) Yeah, so you’re mad. Can you let him know and then get over it so you can enjoy your lunch? Or do you want to ruin the lunch? No, you want to enjoy the lunch. So you have a choice, you can be ticked, let him know, and punish him or you can let him know how you feel, let it go, and enjoy your lunch. It’s not worth it. I’m letting go!”

At that moment, I took some deep breaths and decided I wanted to enjoy the lunch. When I saw my husband, he immediately apologized and explained he was in a meeting that ran over and he had left his phone on his desk so he couldn’t even text me. He then asked how I was doing today. Very calmly I said, “I am frustrated because I had a lot I could of done while I was waiting. I’m disappointed.” He apologized again and I honestly let it go.

I am in no way saying I am the perfect role model of healthy behavior. Sometimes i choose to be angry and ruin my perfect moments. But I have learned from that and I am just giving an example of how we do have a choice in our self-talk and in our behaviors. When our conversations with ourselves are spiraling, we can stop those, too. We can choose to act differently than in the past or how we were taught. How many times do we let perfect moments pass us by just to punish others to show them we are mad? We really punish ourselves, too.

One note about this- I am not in any way saying to use this as an excuse to not tell your partner how you are feeling. I did tell my husband how I felt, I just chose to not make a big issue out of it. It was a mistake and there was nothing he could have done about it. So I let it go. There are times when issues need to be discussed further. This just wasn’t one of them.

I am so glad I chose, at least on this day, to let my husband know how I felt and then let it go. We had a great lunch together.

Thank you for reading this rather lengthy blog today. I hope you CHOOSE to have a great day!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

30Mar 2011

Are you Numb?

It’s amazing what we can become numb to. When we first get sick or develop some sort of problem, it can feel so painful or irritating. But after time, our bodies adjust and although it may still feel painful, the intensity may wear down. Not in all cases but in some. I am often amazed when I see someone who is in a wheelchair- what once probably felt like the end of the world has now become a part of their life and they are able to deal with it so efficiently and make it work. I am in awe of that, as I complain about my small inconveniences from day to day. I’m sure when they first became disabled they never imagined they would one day be able to handle it the way they do now. They are somewhat forced to become numb to it.

I do believe this is something God gave us to be able to cope with some of our challenges in life. However, I see the other side of this all too often. I see people who are in a horrible marriage and have become numb to it. They say, “This is just how life is, right? My parents were like this and now we are.” Numb. I see women who have been struggling with Depression for so long, raising their little ones and providing for their families, they have become numb to the deep sadness and pain on the inside. Numb. I see men who struggle with their lack of connection to others and who have lost a sense of adventure in their lives, just going day in and day out at a job with little purpose or enjoyment to them. Numb. I see men and women who were sexually abused as children. They HAD to numb themselves when they were little to keep the “secret” they swore they would never tell. They now numb themselves with drugs, alcohol, rage, control, sex, relationships, or food. Numb.

It’s so sad that this defense mechanism that God gave us to help ourselves cope has now become a way of life for so many. The problem is, when you numb out to the bad emotions, you also numb out to the good ones, too. If you numb yourself to sadness, it will be difficult to feel happiness when it comes along. Your body can’t decipher the two- it just numbs itself all over. It’s like when you go to the dentist to get a cavity filled. When they give you a shot your whole mouth becomes numb, not just the area they will be working on. This happens with our emotions as well.

When clients come in to our office, we encourage them to quit numbing themselves and give themselves permission to feel. Feel it all, good and bad. We teach them how to cope with the bad and learn to really feel and experience the joy and happiness that comes from the freedom of not living numb! It is so amazing to watch the unveiling of this. It is beautiful and we are honored to be a part of this process.

I want to challenge you today- Do you live your life numb? Or do you really experience your life both good and bad. Do you see how the “bad” or difficult can make you stronger and better? It can help you experience the “good” and wonderful at an even higher level!

Thank you for reading today- I wish you the best!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

15Jun 2010

Kill em with kindness

I’m still hanging on! 2 days, 1 hour, and 45 minutes until my due date!! We are really excited and I can’t tell you how much I am enjoying my week off with the boys. It was a great decision that I am grateful I made. Today we went to the sprinkler park. I HAD to tell you about this incidence. I can just see some of you laughing out loud as you read this.

We were very excited when we got to the park today because it was an overcast day and we were about 1 of 5 families there. My 5 year-old jumped right in but my 2 year-old was VERY hesitant and fearful. He didn’t like getting splashed. It actually took me 2 hours of patiently de-sensitizing him. He did finally get in and LOVED it! To the point of crying when we left. The kind of funny thing that happened occurred when we first got there. As I mentioned, my little one was scared and I was working with him to get used to it. Suddenly a young boy, approximately 7 years old, came over to us and was about to throw a BIG bucket of water on my little guy! I caught him and said politely, “Could you please not do that. He is still trying to get used to it.” He looked at me and said, “No”. I couldn’t believe it! He then turned to my older son and aimed it at him. I raised my voice and became stern and said, “Hey, don’t do that! They are still trying to get used to it, ok?” He looked me straight in the face and said in a snotty tone, “No!” Ok- those of you that know me know that I am a Mama Bear! I can’t tell you the thoughts that ran thru my mind. I won’t write them to protect my reputation! But I will say I saw myself have an “Ally McBeal” moment- you know- where she used to see herself do things she would never do? I saw myself take that bucket, dump it over his head, and then knock him to the ground with it! But instead, I said, “Could you please show me who your Mom is? I would like to speak with her.” He said, “No. I’m not telling you!”.  I said, “Ok boys, let’s go to a different area where we won’t be bothered”.

We played in another area and he proceeded to run around, chasing young kids with his bucket, as they tearfully ran from him. I couldn’t believe it. Where was his mother?? There weren’t even that many people there, so how could she miss what was going on? I tried to focus on my own kids but it was difficult. I spoke with a Grandmother who was there with her little Granddaughter. She said that he was out of control and had been bullying all the kids. Then, the moment happened that changed the day! Now everyone knows you do not let your kids run at the sprinkler park. It is wet cement and an accident waiting to happen. That is another important reason to watch your kids, because they forget to not run. So as we are having a great time playing, well, still getting the little guy used to it, we hear a loud thud and scrape across the cement. I turn around to see our little bully friend laying on the cement, holding his legs, and crying. I waited a minute to see if his mother would appear to help him. She didn’t. I have to admit, I had to think about the right thing to do. A part of me felt like he got what he deserved. But the more human/mommy part of me wanted to help. So, I kindly walked over to him and said, “Would you like to tell me who your Mommy is now?” He nodded and thru his tears pointed and said. “The one in the blue shirt.” Oooohhh, that explains it- the one with her back turned to the sprinkler area! The one chatting with 5 other women oblivious to what was going on. Hey, I have to give it to her, she wasn’t on her phone!!! I politely went over to her and said, “Your son fell, is hurt, and asking for you.” She said, “Thank you” and went over to him. The Grandparent that I had been talking to earlier said, “You’re a lot nicer than I would have been!”.  I said, “You know, sometimes you have to kill em with kindness. I really want my boys to learn to be kind and they were watching.”

I have to admit, I thought for a split second about not being kind. But where would that have got me today? What would my boys have thought? It’s so important to live what we teach them. I talked with my son about it on the way home. We talked about removing yourself from bully situations if you can, being kind even when others aren’t, and “what comes around goes around”. It was a lot of lessons for my 5 year-old to take in but I think he at least got the kindness part.

So the next time you’re at the point of decision whether to be kind or not, remember what comes around goes around. We ended up having a LOVELY day. The sun came out, my little guy got in the sprinkler, and bully boy…..he literally sat out with his Mama the rest of the afternoon!!

Thanks for reading.

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

16Mar 2010

Anger, Speeding, and Patience is a Virtue

Today as I was taking my son to school, I noticed in my rear view mirror a woman who looked very angry and was talking/yelling, either to herself or to me. I was driving cautiously but not horribly slow- we were, after all, making a turn to get on the interstate with a huge semi in the other lane making the turn as well. I was being cautious. I thought to myself, “Wow- she needs to read our group blog this week on signs of Hidden Anger! Or maybe not- she wasn’t hiding it very well!” As we got on the interstate, she immediately crossed 2 lanes of traffic to go around all of us to get into the fast lane and sped away.

My son and I drove the speed limit, even though it was tempting not to. We were running behind today. We were driving maybe 5-6 miles down the road when I saw police lights ahead. As we passed I noticed the cute little silver Infiniti that had sped around us being pulled over by the officer. Ok, I am really sharing my unprofessionalism here when I tell you this. I said out loud but not with the window down, “Yayyy! See ya later!” My son asked who I was talking to. I said, “Remember the lady who sped by us earlier that Mommy said needed to slow down? There she is, being pulled over by the police officer!” I then explained to him how Mommy shouldn’t be happy because the lady got pulled over but that I was happy the officer was there to remind her she needed to slow down!” (wink wink)

I explained to him in a 5 year-old way that sometimes when you hurry, it ends up taking you longer. Slow down and be patient. I started thinking about how easy it is when we are angry to lose sight of that.  Anger takes on a life of its own inside us and breeds nasty behaviors like impatience, yelling at people unnecessarily, and just down right rudeness! But life always catches up with us in one way or another, whether it is a police officer pulling you over, or your dr. telling you that you are a risk for a heart attack.

It is important to keep our anger in check. Check out this week’s group blog on signs of Hidden Anger and see if you relate to any of them. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, Have a great week!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.