Category Archives: Abuse

25Apr 2012

Forgiveness Sets YOU Free

As I sat listening to the speaker, my stomach was in knots. That’s saying a lot considering I hear stories about the abuse that my clients suffered on an almost daily basis. I could not believe a person could be treated so inhumanly as a child and stand before a group of 2000 women, speaking about forgiveness.

Stormie Omartian is a speaker and author of several books. She speaks about many topics and she said many words of wisdom that I will not forget. One of them has really stuck with me. After she had described her horrible abuse from her own mother, she talked about her journey of forgiveness and what it has done in her life. She said,“Forgiveness doesn’t make the other person right- it makes you free!”

Wow- so true, yet still so difficult. I have also heard it said before, “Forgiveness is like setting a prisoner free, only to find the prisoner was you!”

Forgiveness is one of the most challenging things for any of us to work thru. There is something about forgiving someone that feels like we are saying, “It’s okay.”

When I ask my kids to say they are sorry to each other for hurting each other, their natural response is as follows:
Child 1: “I’m sorry for hitting you”.
Child 2: “It’s okay”.
I always am there to correct child #2 to say, “It’s not okay that he hit you. That wasn’t nice. But it is good to forgive. Let’s just say I forgive you.”
Child 2: “Okay, I forgive you.”
I’m trying to teach them that you are not saying that it is okay, even though that is our natural tendency. It’s not okay to hurt each other, but inevitably in relationships, it does happen.

Many of us hold on to unforgiveness because of this. It is dire to understand this, in order for us to move on. As long as we continue telling ourselves that we are letting that person off the hook or saying it’s “okay”, we will not be free, because we will not forgive.

It is important to look at our lives and see what holding onto the pain is doing for us. It usually serves some kind of function. This is for another blog on another day. But what are we holding on to? Are we punishing that person? Do we feel in control of the situation by not forgiving? More than likely that other person no longer is suffering and has gone on living their lives. In MOST cases, not all, it is only hurting you. Even in cases where the relationship has been cut off, most likely YOU are hurting as bad as that other person by that sever.

Now I do need to say, as I’ve said before, there are times when to go to a person and forgive them to their face is more harmful than good. Some people are just not safe. In this case, this is where you would work thru it on your own with a counselor or pastor, to help set you free. There are powerful ways of doing that without working with that unsafe person. This can also work with someone who has hurt you and has passed away.

It’s amazing how many of us have the shackles of unforgiveness around our ankles and we don’t even realize it. Once they are off, we realize the prison we were in and it truly does feel free to be in control and CHOOSE to let it go.

No one has to answer this publicly but I encourage you to ask yourself: Who have you not forgiven in your life and what shackles do you wear?

Thank you for reading this week and being open to forgiveness.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

03Aug 2011

Don’t be Defeated by Hurt

“I will not be defeated by the things that hurt me!”

I had a friend post this in her blog a few weeks ago. I was so inspired by her. If you knew her life story, you would be, too. But it is her story to tell. However, I will tell you that what inspired her lovely quote was being stung by a jellyfish!

My friend is a missionary in Africa. On a little getaway, she was enjoying a day at the beach when a jellyfish wrapped itself around her and stung her! I have to say, if this were me, I would still be at that beach screaming my head off with people trying to smack me out of it! But not my friend…..she got BACK in the water!

Because of what she has been thru, she has learned to face her hurts and fears head on. She realizes the importance of not letting her fears get the best of her and not letting the possibility of getting hurt make her quit. She knows when she is afraid, she needs to keep going. She has chosen to feel the fear and do it anyway!

I wonder how many of us miss out on things in life because we are afraid of being hurt. I do realize you can’t throw caution to the wind and you have to use common sense. I do also believe we need to learn lessons from our pain. But I am talking about the things that we are not doing, that we need to do or that would be good for us, because we are afraid of being hurt.

When someone has an excellent business opportunity, how many people don’t seek it because they are afraid of being rejected? I have seen friends who don’t seek love because they were wounded years ago in a relationship they never worked thru. I see people all the time who are afraid to be close to people because they might get hurt. Oh what wonderful relationships they will miss out on!

We all need to work thru our hurts so we aren’t afraid to be hurt. Once you begin working thru the hurt, you realize how strong you are and how much you can actually make it thru.

I’m so proud of my friend- not only for getting back in the water, but for what she has worked on in her life and conquered.

What hurts do you have that are defeating you?

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

30Mar 2011

Are you Numb?

It’s amazing what we can become numb to. When we first get sick or develop some sort of problem, it can feel so painful or irritating. But after time, our bodies adjust and although it may still feel painful, the intensity may wear down. Not in all cases but in some. I am often amazed when I see someone who is in a wheelchair- what once probably felt like the end of the world has now become a part of their life and they are able to deal with it so efficiently and make it work. I am in awe of that, as I complain about my small inconveniences from day to day. I’m sure when they first became disabled they never imagined they would one day be able to handle it the way they do now. They are somewhat forced to become numb to it.

I do believe this is something God gave us to be able to cope with some of our challenges in life. However, I see the other side of this all too often. I see people who are in a horrible marriage and have become numb to it. They say, “This is just how life is, right? My parents were like this and now we are.” Numb. I see women who have been struggling with Depression for so long, raising their little ones and providing for their families, they have become numb to the deep sadness and pain on the inside. Numb. I see men who struggle with their lack of connection to others and who have lost a sense of adventure in their lives, just going day in and day out at a job with little purpose or enjoyment to them. Numb. I see men and women who were sexually abused as children. They HAD to numb themselves when they were little to keep the “secret” they swore they would never tell. They now numb themselves with drugs, alcohol, rage, control, sex, relationships, or food. Numb.

It’s so sad that this defense mechanism that God gave us to help ourselves cope has now become a way of life for so many. The problem is, when you numb out to the bad emotions, you also numb out to the good ones, too. If you numb yourself to sadness, it will be difficult to feel happiness when it comes along. Your body can’t decipher the two- it just numbs itself all over. It’s like when you go to the dentist to get a cavity filled. When they give you a shot your whole mouth becomes numb, not just the area they will be working on. This happens with our emotions as well.

When clients come in to our office, we encourage them to quit numbing themselves and give themselves permission to feel. Feel it all, good and bad. We teach them how to cope with the bad and learn to really feel and experience the joy and happiness that comes from the freedom of not living numb! It is so amazing to watch the unveiling of this. It is beautiful and we are honored to be a part of this process.

I want to challenge you today- Do you live your life numb? Or do you really experience your life both good and bad. Do you see how the “bad” or difficult can make you stronger and better? It can help you experience the “good” and wonderful at an even higher level!

Thank you for reading today- I wish you the best!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

02Jun 2010

Do you abuse yourself?

I am always amazed how much I learn from my clients. Many times I feel like I learn more from them than I learned in Graduate School! I am grateful that I work with such insightful people. Recently one of my clients told me something that just really stuck so I wanted to share it with you.

He was in a shame spiral, not knowing whether his Depression was stemming from the shame or the shame was causing the Depression. When I told him that I noticed his “self-talk” seemed really negative, he responded, “Yes it is. It’s like I am mentally and emotionally abusing myself”. Wow! That is exactly what he was doing. If he messed up at work, he called himself an idiot. If dinner was burnt, he was stupid. If he was 5 minutes late for an appointment, he was a failure. If someone in a relationship talked to him like this he would leave the relationship!!

Many of us that struggle with shame talk to ourselves like this all day long. The problem is, we can’t leave our relationship with ourselves. We HAVE to work on it if we want to feel better. I am constantly reminding my clients, when we are working on self-talk, to talk to themselves with the same grace and mercy we give our friends. If you messed up at work, allow yourself to be human. If dinner was burnt, although disappointed, I am sure this doesn’t make you stupid. If you are on time 99% of the time and are late, give yourself some grace- a friend would.

It is difficult to change these “tapes” in our head. Many of us recorded these tapes from how we were raised. So it can be difficult to erase them and start over after many years. That is why it’s important to keep trying until the tapes become a more normal way for you to think or talk to yourself.

So when you start feeling depressed or are feeling down on yourself, ask yourself,  ”How is my self-talk?. Try to change your self-talk to a more positive and friendly response. Is that how you would talk to a friend? Would you abuse someone else like that? I don’t think so. Don’t do it to you!

Thanks for listening and have a great week! This may be my last blog for awhile but I will be back after baby….. Or maybe I’ll slip in a surprise blog or two after those middle of the night awakenings!! God bless!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

27Apr 2010

Unhealthy people and Forgiveness

Recently, I had planned to do a blog on how being in a toxic environment can jade you, even when you are in recovery, and cause you to see things in an unhealthy way and react with unhealthy behaviors. Then I read Joleen’s recent blog at http://www.imaginehopecounseling.com/jwblog. She had done the work for me! She talks about being in a toxic environment and how that can cause us to act in unhealthy ways.  Definitely one to check out. Once you read her blog, you can continue forward with this one and it will make more sense.

Her poor furry friend had been abused by his previous owner and been surrounded by unhealthy behaviors and a toxic environment. Once he got out of the toxicity, he was able to function better and have more healthy behaviors. This made me think of my clients that I deal with that have been abused physically, emotionally, or sexually. It also triggered me to think of my own abusers in my life- the pain it took to work thru and recover from their abuse and then how I worked thru my forgiveness of them.  Many of my clients ask me- “How do I work thru forgiveness with this person when they are not safe to be around?” I then work with them, as I did in my own recovery, on how to forgive an unsafe person. You do the work within yourself and with God to forgive this person and accept that they were human and made mistakes. You make a conscious decision every day or when it comes up, that you have forgiven this person and are not letting this circumstance control you. “I have let that go and don’t need to go back”  is often something my clients use to help with this. For me, I then give it to God and ask Him to heal my heart. My clients have found this helpful as well. Of course, this is a longer process than what I am able to describe, but it is possible to do it without confronting that person. I often use the following example to help my clients understand how they can still do this and keep a safe distance. I say to them: “If someone hurt your child, physically or sexually, and you knew that person was still sick and could potentially abuse, you wouldn’t allow that person to still be around them would you?” Do you need to forgive them? Absolutely! But that doesn’t mean you have to put your children in harms way to have the child talk to the perpetrator about the forgiveness. That would be harmful to them.

In a nutshell, if you have someone you need to forgive but you haven’t because they are not safe, don’t let that stop you. You can still forgive them and find healing and peace within yourself without putting yourself in harms way.

Additionally, to piggyback Joleen’s blog- I think it is worth repeating from her blog- check your environment for unhealthy people, boundaries, and behaviors. Even those in recovery can appear healthy in one place but enter in the “toxic” environment and start acting in unhealthy ways.

Thank you for reading and thank you, Joleen for the great blog to spur further blogging in me.

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.