Category Archives: Self Esteem

07Oct 2010

Feel good by setting smaller goals

“My goal for today is to find out what is causing the RANCID smell in my refrigerator!”  -My friend, Heather, mother of 4

I have been planning to write a blog on small goals for quite some time. I must say my friend Heather, quoted above, inspired me on Monday when she said this with such passion!  She was in the kitchen and I was in the living room playing with the kids. My ears perked up when I heard such passion and the sentence start with “My goal for today….” I knew it would be something profound. So I literally laughed out loud when she told me what her goal was.

When you are overwhelmed, going through life, and sometimes just surviving day to day, to achieve a goal that simple can mean so much to your mental health. Every time Heather opened the refrigerator she was reminded of something she needed to get done and something that made her feel negative. So today was the day to end the madness.

When we feel overwhelmed, depressed, or anxious, it is important to not make it worse by looking at the big picture. Looking at our situations as “forever” or “always” makes us want to give up. It is more helpful to break things into smaller pieces. What part of the picture can I do today to make the situation better, bearable, or make myself feel a little better?

I was reminded of the importance of this on my maternity leave. With 3 children at very different stages of development, having completely different needs, I often felt very overwhelmed and inadequate for the task at hand. I had to live in the moment and put out fires one by one. After awhile, I started feeling down on myself. I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything. In reality, I was accomplishing a lot. I was keeping 3 little ones fed, bathed, safe, and healthy every day. But I couldn’t see that at the time. So I pulled a tool out of my mental health tool box. It was a tool we used when I worked in the Stress Center. Every morning we would have a group and everyone would state their goal for the day. What is one thing you can do today to help yourself feel better? So I started doing this. Some days it would even be as simple as I wanted to wash my hair or call and make an appointment. Or one day it was that I want to take a shower without an interruption. It sounds silly but that would take planning on my part. It was amazing how accomplishing that one thing would make me feel like I was accomplishing something! One day I remember sharing with my best friend that my goal for the day was to get the kids outside on a walk. It took us literally an hour to get us all out the door only to have 2 of the 3 poop their pants before we got around the cul-de-sac! She asked why I even bothered going back out after cleaning them up. I told her I was determined because it was my goal for the day!! I felt better after accomplishing it.

So when you find yourself very overwhelmed or feeling too depressed to do anything, ask yourself, “What is ONE thing I can do today?” and try to accomplish it. Then the next day, try it again. Take things in smaller doses, look at the puzzle in smaller pieces, and take a small step.

By the way, Heather, what was that smell???? :)

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

02Jun 2010

Do you abuse yourself?

I am always amazed how much I learn from my clients. Many times I feel like I learn more from them than I learned in Graduate School! I am grateful that I work with such insightful people. Recently one of my clients told me something that just really stuck so I wanted to share it with you.

He was in a shame spiral, not knowing whether his Depression was stemming from the shame or the shame was causing the Depression. When I told him that I noticed his “self-talk” seemed really negative, he responded, “Yes it is. It’s like I am mentally and emotionally abusing myself”. Wow! That is exactly what he was doing. If he messed up at work, he called himself an idiot. If dinner was burnt, he was stupid. If he was 5 minutes late for an appointment, he was a failure. If someone in a relationship talked to him like this he would leave the relationship!!

Many of us that struggle with shame talk to ourselves like this all day long. The problem is, we can’t leave our relationship with ourselves. We HAVE to work on it if we want to feel better. I am constantly reminding my clients, when we are working on self-talk, to talk to themselves with the same grace and mercy we give our friends. If you messed up at work, allow yourself to be human. If dinner was burnt, although disappointed, I am sure this doesn’t make you stupid. If you are on time 99% of the time and are late, give yourself some grace- a friend would.

It is difficult to change these “tapes” in our head. Many of us recorded these tapes from how we were raised. So it can be difficult to erase them and start over after many years. That is why it’s important to keep trying until the tapes become a more normal way for you to think or talk to yourself.

So when you start feeling depressed or are feeling down on yourself, ask yourself,  ”How is my self-talk?. Try to change your self-talk to a more positive and friendly response. Is that how you would talk to a friend? Would you abuse someone else like that? I don’t think so. Don’t do it to you!

Thanks for listening and have a great week! This may be my last blog for awhile but I will be back after baby….. Or maybe I’ll slip in a surprise blog or two after those middle of the night awakenings!! God bless!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.