I’ve been doing 2 things-

1. Practicing self-care
2. Trying new things!

So rather than apologize all over myself to you, let’s use my “explanation” as a learning tool/growth opportunity today

Self-care:

It is so important to make sure you set your own limits for yourself and take care of yourself. Nobody can do it for you!

My time has been even more limited lately. I have been very busy at work (which I enjoy) and running the business side of things can take a lot of time outside of my time with clients. Because of this increase, something had to go! Many days it was a choice to either take a break and eat my lunch or do my blog. Because of the busyness at IH right now, I felt I would be better to myself (and ultimately to my clients) if I chose lunch. Self-care!
It was hard at first. I do a blog weekly, people look forward to it (according to their comments to me), and well, it’s something I love!

It is easy to feel like because you have always done something, you have to keep doing it, even when saying no for a moment might be better. Even if it is a good
thing! But remember, you have to take care of yourself or you will burn out and eventually not enjoy that thing you love anyway.

Trying something new:

Before the business side of things got so “busy”, I had already committed to blogging for some outside sources. I wanted to keep those commitments because I made them and because I think it’s good to branch out and try new things. It has been a great experience. I have enjoyed blogging for Northview Church, Relationshipcafe.com, and MarriageAdvice.com. They truly have been good opportunities. It was nice to try something new. However, I have decided to let go of the amount I was blogging for them, in order to do more self-care (and hopefully start blogging more here again.)

So the moral of the story is it’s good to try new things but also take care of yourself! That way you can be the best at what you do and not burn out.

I hope to start blogging here more regularly again. If I don’t, know that I am either practicing self-care or trying something new!

Thank you so much for reading this week.

What can do today to practice self-care? Or try something new?

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC, LCAC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

As I sat and griped and moaned to myself, my mind slowly went back to a moment at a conference a few days prior. The speaker’s exact words that struck through my heart like a bow and arrow were as follows:

If you have a home, have food to eat, a job, and transportation to get there, you are among the top 15% of the wealthiest people of the world!”

Wow! I couldn’t believe it. I’ve never considered myself wealthy. Blessed but not wealthy.

A few days later, I was reading a book by Jim Martin from the International Justice Mission. He was talking about modern day slavery, sex trafficking, and the horrible abuse that goes on in our world. He talked about how we see our issues as problems but “they are mostly frustrations and annoyances” when it comes right down to it. So true. Losing my cell phone? Inconvenience. Stuck in traffic? Frustration. Slavery? Now THAT’S a problem!

I’m not trying to minimize the problems that some people are struggling with. Divorce, the loss of family and friends, job loss, abuse are true problems as well. But I am talking about some of the things we consider problems that are really just annoyances, frustrations, and/or inconveniences. The barista at Starbucks messed up our order so we have a bad morning. We get a little wet from the rain so we gripe and moan about going to work a little soggy. These are NOT problems!

When I was sitting in that traffic, I realized that it wasn’t a problem but rather a frustration or annoyance. I would still have a job to go to (with forgiving clients!), lunch today, and a place to lay my tired body tonight.

I have been reminding myself of this DAILY. When I feel the stress of a “problem” I ask myself “Is this really a problem? Or am I just frustrated, annoyed, or inconvenienced”.

Try it! It will really put things into perspective for you.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC, LCAC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

1. It forces you to think about something positive

2. You will be focusing on more positive, thus you will feel more happy in general.

3. If people who are grateful tend to be more happy, they will attract more people to them socially. People generally want to be around happy, positive people (unless they are miserable and misery loves company )

4. Being grateful increases your energy.
Think about how you feel when you think about depressed things all day. Think about how you feel when you focus on positive things all day.

5. Thinking of what we have been given keeps us humble.

6. Being grateful forces us to reflect inward and look inside ourselves.

7. Thinking of what we are thankful for helps remind us of what’s important.
If you practice this daily, I doubt you will say “I am thankful for my sports car” everyday. But I bet your family and friends will be on the list daily.

8. Being grateful boosts your health.
The more grateful we are, the less stress we feel. The less stress we feel, the better our immune system. The better our immune system, the more we are fighting off illness and disease.

9. Practicing a life of gratitude keeps you more at peace. It creates more optimism and hope. When you focus on be grateful, you remind yourself of the good, which can lead to feeling hopeful and peaceful.

10. Having a life of gratitude keeps us connected to our Faith.
Even in hard times, we can know God is up to something and knows exactly what we need, and is providing that for us.

Here are 2 quick things you can do everyday to practice a life of Gratitude:

>>When my son cannot sleep, I tell him to count everything he is grateful for. That way he can fall asleep thinking of all the good in his life, rather than the stress of not sleeping (This works like a charm!)

>>I’m sure you’ve heard it but I’ll say it again because it deserves repeating- keep a gratitude journal. Write down 5 things everyday you are grateful for.

I want to tell you that Imagine Hope and it’s readers, followers, and clients are among my things I am grateful for everyday. I love what I do and the people I work with and for. Thank you for being a part of our community. May God richly bless you this Thanksgiving!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

10 Barriers to Communication in Marriage

As a marriage therapist, you learn a lot of what not to do in a relationship by sitting across from couples who are struggling on a daily basis with communication. Hopefully it will be helpful for you to see some barriers and pick a couple that you want to focus on.

Avoiding conflict
There is nothing wrong with conflict…. when it’s done in a healthy way! It can even bring you closer and create more emotional (and physical) intimacy. Most couples are afraid of conflict. In fact, some of my couples who come in are so proud to admit they never fight. I tell them I worry more about them than I do the couples who I have to referee.

It’s normal to have conflict when you have two people, brought up two different ways, living under one roof, and many times raising multiple kids. Who wouldn’t argue? It’s how you do it. So don’t avoid it.

Mind reading
This one is dangerous- this is when you believe you know what your partner is thinking or feeling and you base your reaction on your belief. It’s dangerous because you are assuming that you are right and may respond or react based on your belief and not what they are actually thinking or feeling.

Sandbagging
What’s sandbagging? It’s piling on one complaint after another, causing your partner to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. It’s important to stick to one issue or concern at a time.

It’s helpful to keep a notepad handy and write down something if you think it’s important enough to talk about later. Then at another time, let your partner know you would like to discuss it. But to bring up too much at once can make the conversation get too heated and your partner may feel they can’t see the forest for the trees so to speak.

Black and White Thinking
This is when someone thinks about things in extremes. They are not willing to see or think about the gray. When partners can’t see the gray, it can cause negative thinking and lack of compromise. It’s important to not get stuck in this type of thinking.

Not really listening because you are focusing on what you are going to say next
If you are formulating your answer or thinking ahead of what/how you are going to say something, you are not truly engaged in what your partner is trying to tell you. You may be able to repeat it back, but you probably aren’t fully aware of their feelings or able to have empathy and understanding for what they are saying.

Interrupting
This is the same thing- if you are interrupting, then you were thinking about what you were going to say and not listening. Besides that, it’s rude!

Thinking everything must be resolved and you can’t agree to disagree
Did you know that many problems in a marriage can’t be solved? Yep, me- a marriage therapist is telling you this. Many times there is not a solution. Most of the time, partners just want to be heard. Sometimes it really does help couples to just listen and try to understand each other. Notice I didn’t say agree. I said try to understand where their partner is coming from.

Many times when problems can’t be resolved, couples need to just listen, validate or empathize with their partner’s feelings, and agree to disagree or agree to come back to it another time.

Feeling you always have to be right and prove your point
I love how Dr. Phil says, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” It’s so true. People who think they are right and have to prove it (usually because they are insecure in the first place) leave others to feel frustrated and defeated. “Why try if they are always right anyway?”, I hear partners say.
It’s okay to admit you are wrong sometimes, even admit your partner be right for a change, and even keep it to yourself if you are right. No one enjoys talking to a know-it-all. Keep it to yourself sometimes.

Leaving abruptly either physically or emotionally.
It’s true- sometimes things get heated and you need a timeout. It is okay to do this as long as you designate to your partner why you are leaving, when you will be back, and that you are willing to continue talking when you return and cool off.

What is not okay is to just leave the house and slam the door behind you because you are mad. Or to just cut off the conversation because you are “done” and don’t want to talk anymore. And then going a week without talking to your spouse. I know none of you would ever do this but some people do, and it’s unhealthy!

Bringing up old issues as weapons
If something has been worked thru in the past, it is hurtful to keep throwing it up in your partners face. Speaking of throwing it up, it literally feels like vomit! It stinks, it stains, and makes the person feel worse because you are throwing it up on them!

It’s not helpful. If you still have an issue with something from the past, it is not going to be productive to bring it up when you are in conflict over something else.

Think about it at another time and ask yourself if it’s truly important or were you just using it to hurt, as a weapon? If so, let it go. If not, and it is still an issue, talk with your partner, at a different time, about how you are feeling, letting them know you may need to revisit it.

What can you do?
I’m sure many of you reading this can recognize the barriers that your partner is creating. For those of you thinking this way, I would like for you to go back and read it again and think of what barriers YOU are creating!

Then start small. Pick one or two that you want to focus on. After you have mastered them, pick one or two more.

Good luck breaking down those barriers that create walls in your relationship. Breaking down the walls will create the intimacy we all wish and long for! Thank you for reading.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC, LCAC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

Today this made me think of the seasons in our lives. In life there are ups and downs, challenges and victories. Many people know the Bible verse in Ecclesiastes that says, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…” This has great truth to it, whether you are a person of Faith or not. Let me explain.

Most of my clients that come in are experiencing a “winter”. They are feeling depressed, anxious, going thru grief, or their marriage is crumbling. Life is not fun, they are just getting “thru”, and feel little life or joy.

Those that work thru their struggles and challenges often experience “spring” when they finish therapy. They feel like they have a new beginning and a fresh start. I’ve had people say they feel like they have a new life!

After they adjust to their “new life”, they beginning living it out day by day and feeling the fruits of their labor. They are experiencing “summer” in their life. It is fun, adventurous, exciting, and more relaxed.

Many times people will come back in because they hit a bump in the road. I always encourage people to come in before “winter” hits, so to speak. So they may have experienced a change in jobs, or they may have started feeling depressed again (but not like before- just the beginning stages), or they may be experiencing challenges in their relationships. Life is not bleak and bad, but they are starting to feel blue. This is the “fall”. Winter has not yet settled in, thankfully, but they don’t feel like they did in the summer.

There truly are seasons in our lives and in our relationships, so it’s very normal to go thru them. I try to remind couples who just had a baby but are fighting like cats and dogs- This is a season, you are in winter- you’ll see Spring again. To those soon to be empty nesters who are starting to face the reality of an empty house- this is fall, and yes winter is coming- let’s prepare for it so you move thru it back into spring. For those grieving, yes, this is winter- let’s shovel thru it so you can feel spring again soon.

I think many times in life and relationships we can convince ourselves that the hard times are not going to pass or get any better. If we can remember that there are seasons and it’s normal to have them, it can put things in better perspective and help us move thru the difficult ones. And make us cherish the spring and summers of our lives.

Thank you for reading. I hope your week is full of spring and summer, wherever you are!
God bless!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

The significance of serving others in our lives is important no matter what spiritual/religious beliefs or non-beliefs we have. To help, encourage, give to, or be kind each other is the golden rule.

This speaker spoke of some wonderful facts I want to share:

1. Serving others creates a personal happiness booster. Serving makes us feel good- about ourselves and also for humankind. It reminds us there is good in the world- despite what we see everyday.

2. 5 random acts of kindness a week shows a measurable boost to one’s mental health.

3. Elderly couples increase their life span when they serve.

4. There is a lower risk of depression in young people who serve.

5. The greater frequency of serving shows greater overall benefits of health.

These benefits alone make me want to take the day and help others!

Most importantly, the big lightbulb moment for me was when the speaker said, “The greatest benefit from serving is it rewards me by saving me from me!” Wow! Yes, although there are great benefits for ourselves for serving, but ultimately, it puts the focus onto someone else other than my favorite person in the world….ME! If I don’t serve others and only think of me, I will drown in this world full of consumerism, entitlement, and selfishness. Serving can help save me from this.

What is one thing you can do this week to serve others? Is there a neighbor in need? Take them dinner one night- it’s not hard to double the recipe! What about your local homeless shelter or humane society? They always need an extra set of hands. Your local church, synagogue, temple, or school can always use volunteers, too. There are endless possibilities.

And those 5 random acts of kindness can easily be done in a day! Hold the door open for someone. Let someone go ahead of you in line. Look someone in the eyes and say, “hello” instead of looking down. All of these things are acts of kindness.

Save me from me…..Please, God, save me from me….

Message heard at www.northviewchurch.us October 7, 2012

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

We were so excited to hear the heartbeat of our unborn child. It was our 2nd, and the excitement that filled our hearts couldn’t of been more exhilarating that day. I had felt the yuck of pregnancy before so I confidently walked into the doctor’s office. I knew for sure, even though it was early, I was definitely pregnant!

As we got reaquainted with my OB, we laughed and caught up nonchalantly as we prepared for hearing the heartbeat. Not a care in the world at that moment. You can imagine the awkwardness as the room became very quiet. The Dr., who had just been laughing seconds ago, was not speaking. Something was wrong! We were in shock when he told us that the heart beat wasn’t strong. He used words like “cautiously optimistic”. After all, the baby was only 7 weeks old. It’s hard to tell if our child was a little behind or slowly losing life.

At first I panicked. Who wouldn’t? But as we drove home, I suddenly realized, I had nothing to worry about. I’m a Christian. God works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). For the good- that means it will work out for what I think is good, right?

I had been raised in a Christian home and knew I just needed to trust Him harder and pray a lot and all would be well.

We did. We trusted Him. I prayed really hard. Then…. I let it go! I honestly didn’t think about it a lot, other than when I prayed for our baby. I just KNEW we were trusting Him so it would be fine.

2 weeks later, you can imagine our devastation when they told us there was no heartbeat and our baby had not made it! It felt surreal. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. And if I am honest, I felt like God had abandoned me. How could I have possibly trusted any more than I did? How could I have prayed any harder than I had prayed? I even told people- especially non-believers- that I just trusted God and knew he would take care of our baby. I thought this would show them how He works! See- become a Christian and you will get your heart’s desires! Not so much.

I had a lot to learn. And God used this painful time to teach me about trust. I learned that trust isn’t about believing we will get what we want. It’s about knowing that things will still happen to us that aren’t fair. Things that hurt really bad, and that don’t make any sense. But trust is knowing that God will give us the strength to make it and hold us dearly during these times. It’s knowing and trusting that He will take care of us and comfort us. THAT is what trust is.

Bad things happen to good people. I know this for sure. But God will be there to comfort us, give us strength, and love us so graciously. We will look back one day and say, “I know that was God that got me thru that because I couldn’t have made it on my own.”

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; (Proverbs 3:5 NIV)

I memorized this verse in Sunday School when I was kid. Now I have truly learned what this verse means. My life and view have completely shifted. I no longer pray for what I think I want or need. I pray for God’s will and the ability to have the strength to deal with His will-no matter what.

So trust is not necessarily believing things will go the way we want or think they should go but knowing that God will take care of us and supply our every need.

Difficult for sure yet comforting. Isn’t it?

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

She talked about how when her kids were growing up she was constantly telling them about the importance of influence and how we influence people. She talked to them about how we influence people everyday either positively or negatively and that people are watching. They are watching what we say and what we do (particularly because they were a Christian family).

She then talked about how we are each accountable for our influence we have on people. Now she is not saying that we are responsible for what people do with how we influence them. They are ultimately responsible for that. She is just saying that we all influence people all day long and we are accountable for whether that is negative or positive.

Think about it-
How do you feel when the guy at the drive up at Starbucks says “Hey, how are ya today?” vs. him just handing you your coffee without saying a word? You are influenced and probably think “What a grouch!” with the latter.

How do you react when you walk into work and no one utters a word to you vs someone saying, “Hey! Good to see ya today. Have a great day today!” You are influenced more positively by the person who spoke.

How do you feel when you walk in your house and your spouse doesn’t acknowledge you or even look your way? Kind of sets the tone for a negative evening doesn’t it? Influence.

It’s our choice what we do with how we are influenced by others.
But it is very important to remember that we influence others as well. Not that we are responsible but accountable to try to be more positive in what is already a pretty tough world.

Obviously Pam Tebow had no clue at the time just how influential her son would actually be one day. In the same way, none of us know exactly how our attitude can influence others. So choose to be a positive influence and have the power to impact! Your “small” influence can have a ripple effect and make things more positive all over!

Thank you so much for reading and have a wonderful day!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

Ever have a red light day? Yeah- those are the ones we remember! We hate those don’t we?!?! It seems every light is not only red but turns yellow just as you are approaching it. We had one of those recently while running late to a soccer game. Ugh! Not a good time!

It’s amazing how a red light or a green light can set our attitude for the day, speaking metaphorically of course. The little things in life can easily affect our moods. If the milk spills in the morning, generally we “cry over it” the rest of the day, unless we chose otherwise. If the kids are grumpy, yeah…it sets the tone for a bad day. Bad hair day? Yuck! Bad mood!

When you think about it, these really are little things in light of the pain people are suffering that live in our world. But we make them such big things! Big enough to affect us for an entire day of our lives.

Unless….unless we choose differently. We can choose how we are going to respond. Yes, the milk spilling was very frustrating. I’m grateful I have more to pour and that wasn’t our last cup purchased with our last dime. The kids are grumpy, yes, but I’m grateful I have kids to be grumpy. There are those who would love to wake up to a grumpy kid tomorrow.

This is one step in changing the ole attitude- seeing the positive and being grateful for what you do have.

Then the 2nd part is about moving on and not allowing it to define your day. Choosing to leave the spilled milk behind and recognizing the kids are human and have bad mornings. Choosing to go forward positive whether we get green lights or red lights.

If you get all red lights, take a deep breath and think of some things you are grateful for today (like the car you are driving and your vision to drive!) And if you get all green lights, take a deep breath, too and be grateful.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a green light day! And if not, I hope you MAKE it a green light day in spite of the red lights!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

I started telling him about my weekend while he continued reading and responding to emails. All the sudden I felt hurt. I realized he really wasn’t listening and was just trying to be kind by asking me.

There was a time that would have sent me into a spiral. The lies in my head would have been having a wonderful conversation with me that would go something like this:

“He doesn’t really care about my weekend. Work is more important than me. He loves work more than me.”

Or maybe I would play a game- I would start talking about something random, that had nothing to do with the topic and see how long it would take for him to notice! (I know, I’m ornery!)

The point is, I would respond in an unhealthy way.

This time, I simply said to him, “You know, I can tell you are in the middle of something else. I really appreciate you asking me how my weekend was. It’s really important to me so how about we wait and talk about it when you are done?” He then explained to me that he didn’t have time to get anything done because he had been with the kids. I told him I understood and we actually picked up our conversation in about 5 minutes, with laptop closed and opened ears. It felt much better this way.

In the past, when I was having this negative self talk (conversation with myself) we would have argued the rest of the evening and our conversation about the retreat would have been lost. I’m not saying I have a perfect marriage or that my thoughts are always this positive. But I have worked really hard to change my self-talk. I’ve also worked hard on trying to understand other people’s intentions instead of jumping to conclusions and mind reading. All of these are dangerous things we do to hurt our relationships.

The next time you are feeling hurt, have a different conversation with yourself. Ask yourself what might be going on with this person and how can I tell them what I need right now in a positive way. It will take you a long way!

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville