Monthly Archives: April 2009

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04Apr 2009

Death of a marriage

As a marriage therapist, losing a couple to divorce is like a Dr. who has helped a patient thru a long term illness and then loses them to the illness.  It is so sad. You want to keep telling them to fight harder and longer, yet you understand how hard they have already fought and understand the fatigue.  It is just sad and difficult.

 Always ask yourself when you are planning to leave:

Can I look myself in the mirror and say that I turned every possible stone?  

If divorce was not an option and I HAD to stay in this marriage, what would I do to make it better? 

Whatever you do, don’t give up before seeing a professional, QUALIFIED therapist. You never know what you might learn and find out about yourself and your relationship. 

04Apr 2009

Is there really “true love”?

I am often posed the question “Is there really true love? I mean couples that are married and actually feel that kind of love that you feel when you first get together??” 

My answer: Yes and No.

Yes, there really is true love.   And no it is never like it was when you first dated. And that’s a good thing.  That is not true love, just infatuation or as we call it, enmeshment.  The kind of love you want to feel with your partner is a DEEP, long lasting love.  Not a flicker but a flame.  It is not love because it’s new and exciting. It’s love because it’s real and true. It’s not forced because you are trying to get them to like you.  It’s natural. 

I usually get the response: But it is SO hard. Yes it is hard- relationships are hard! If you choose to be in a lifelong relationship it is going to take some work.  You don’t just get married and then expect it to take care of itself. You wouldn’t have kids and then expect them to take care of themselves. You take care of them as they develop. You have to take care of the relationship and nurture it too as it develops.

So yes there is true love, for those that work at it and take on the challenge of not giving up because it’s not new and exciting. And guess what…..marriage CAN be exciting.  What have you done lately to make your relationship exciting?