Monthly Archives: June 2010

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15Jun 2010

Kill em with kindness

I’m still hanging on! 2 days, 1 hour, and 45 minutes until my due date!! We are really excited and I can’t tell you how much I am enjoying my week off with the boys. It was a great decision that I am grateful I made. Today we went to the sprinkler park. I HAD to tell you about this incidence. I can just see some of you laughing out loud as you read this.

We were very excited when we got to the park today because it was an overcast day and we were about 1 of 5 families there. My 5 year-old jumped right in but my 2 year-old was VERY hesitant and fearful. He didn’t like getting splashed. It actually took me 2 hours of patiently de-sensitizing him. He did finally get in and LOVED it! To the point of crying when we left. The kind of funny thing that happened occurred when we first got there. As I mentioned, my little one was scared and I was working with him to get used to it. Suddenly a young boy, approximately 7 years old, came over to us and was about to throw a BIG bucket of water on my little guy! I caught him and said politely, “Could you please not do that. He is still trying to get used to it.” He looked at me and said, “No”. I couldn’t believe it! He then turned to my older son and aimed it at him. I raised my voice and became stern and said, “Hey, don’t do that! They are still trying to get used to it, ok?” He looked me straight in the face and said in a snotty tone, “No!” Ok- those of you that know me know that I am a Mama Bear! I can’t tell you the thoughts that ran thru my mind. I won’t write them to protect my reputation! But I will say I saw myself have an “Ally McBeal” moment- you know- where she used to see herself do things she would never do? I saw myself take that bucket, dump it over his head, and then knock him to the ground with it! But instead, I said, “Could you please show me who your Mom is? I would like to speak with her.” He said, “No. I’m not telling you!”.  I said, “Ok boys, let’s go to a different area where we won’t be bothered”.

We played in another area and he proceeded to run around, chasing young kids with his bucket, as they tearfully ran from him. I couldn’t believe it. Where was his mother?? There weren’t even that many people there, so how could she miss what was going on? I tried to focus on my own kids but it was difficult. I spoke with a Grandmother who was there with her little Granddaughter. She said that he was out of control and had been bullying all the kids. Then, the moment happened that changed the day! Now everyone knows you do not let your kids run at the sprinkler park. It is wet cement and an accident waiting to happen. That is another important reason to watch your kids, because they forget to not run. So as we are having a great time playing, well, still getting the little guy used to it, we hear a loud thud and scrape across the cement. I turn around to see our little bully friend laying on the cement, holding his legs, and crying. I waited a minute to see if his mother would appear to help him. She didn’t. I have to admit, I had to think about the right thing to do. A part of me felt like he got what he deserved. But the more human/mommy part of me wanted to help. So, I kindly walked over to him and said, “Would you like to tell me who your Mommy is now?” He nodded and thru his tears pointed and said. “The one in the blue shirt.” Oooohhh, that explains it- the one with her back turned to the sprinkler area! The one chatting with 5 other women oblivious to what was going on. Hey, I have to give it to her, she wasn’t on her phone!!! I politely went over to her and said, “Your son fell, is hurt, and asking for you.” She said, “Thank you” and went over to him. The Grandparent that I had been talking to earlier said, “You’re a lot nicer than I would have been!”.  I said, “You know, sometimes you have to kill em with kindness. I really want my boys to learn to be kind and they were watching.”

I have to admit, I thought for a split second about not being kind. But where would that have got me today? What would my boys have thought? It’s so important to live what we teach them. I talked with my son about it on the way home. We talked about removing yourself from bully situations if you can, being kind even when others aren’t, and “what comes around goes around”. It was a lot of lessons for my 5 year-old to take in but I think he at least got the kindness part.

So the next time you’re at the point of decision whether to be kind or not, remember what comes around goes around. We ended up having a LOVELY day. The sun came out, my little guy got in the sprinkler, and bully boy…..he literally sat out with his Mama the rest of the afternoon!!

Thanks for reading.

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

07Jun 2010

Don’t just drop the kids off at the pool!

I am so excited that I am able to write another blog before Baby Chandler rocks our world! I must admit, part of this blog is me venting. I hope it does not seem too judgmental. And for goodness sake, if anyone in my neighborhood reads it and is offended…well…. I guess that means you feel this might be you!

Today I took my boys to our neighborhood pool. We LOVE spending time there on my days off. We go early, pack a lunch, and swim until the boys are so exhausted that my smallest one welcomes his nap! Today I noticed something that bothered me and something that I feel is wrong with us as a society in general. When I am at the pool, I enjoy spending that time with my boys. To me, that is such great quality time. As we were swimming today, one particular little boy was not being kind. I kept having to remind him to please not take the swimming device my son was using, as he is still trying to learn to swim. He wasn’t very nice about it and continued to take it, when I was not looking right at him, and when my son would let go of it to go under. Then I noticed him being mean to a child that has special needs. I thought to myself, “Where is his mother?” I finally found her, walking around on the other side of the pool, talking on her cell phone. “OK- she must of had a very important call”.  We continued swimming and attracted a little girl to us, probably 5 years old. She kept asking me to watch her go under, watch her jump, watch her breathe etc- you know how little ones can be in the water. It was cute at first, but I was trying to watch my own sons- it’s not easy at their ages. I thought to myself, “She really wants someone to pay attention to her. Where is her Mom?”.  When I located her, she was laying in her lounger, texting on her phone. Sigh. I guess the almost 39 weeks pregnant Mom is the pool patrol today! I stopped for a second, took a look around, and counted. Of the 6 mothers there, not including myself, 4 of them were on their phones- either talking or texting/looking things up!!! I couldn’t believe it. I thought to myself, (can you tell I think a lot?), “If you’re not going to pay attention to your kids, why don’t you just drop them off at the pool? Oh, because you can’t- they are too small to manage themselves and swim alone. OK. I get it- so go ahead and go but mentally drop them off! That’s what it feels like to them. Like they have been dropped off.”

I think this is a glimpse of what is going on in society today. We have so much coming at us technology wise that our brains don’t stop, our hands are busy, and our time is being consumed by communication, but not with those closest to us. Don’t get me wrong, I think technology is great! My husband is a techno-junkie! But we have to create and keep boundaries or we will be consumed. So the next time you are spending time with your kids, or with a loved one, and you receive a text or email, ask yourself if it can wait. Then designate time to take care of business later.  Don’t “drop the kids off at the pool”!

Thanks again for reading. Maybe I’ll get thru another one?? :) God bless!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

02Jun 2010

Do you abuse yourself?

I am always amazed how much I learn from my clients. Many times I feel like I learn more from them than I learned in Graduate School! I am grateful that I work with such insightful people. Recently one of my clients told me something that just really stuck so I wanted to share it with you.

He was in a shame spiral, not knowing whether his Depression was stemming from the shame or the shame was causing the Depression. When I told him that I noticed his “self-talk” seemed really negative, he responded, “Yes it is. It’s like I am mentally and emotionally abusing myself”. Wow! That is exactly what he was doing. If he messed up at work, he called himself an idiot. If dinner was burnt, he was stupid. If he was 5 minutes late for an appointment, he was a failure. If someone in a relationship talked to him like this he would leave the relationship!!

Many of us that struggle with shame talk to ourselves like this all day long. The problem is, we can’t leave our relationship with ourselves. We HAVE to work on it if we want to feel better. I am constantly reminding my clients, when we are working on self-talk, to talk to themselves with the same grace and mercy we give our friends. If you messed up at work, allow yourself to be human. If dinner was burnt, although disappointed, I am sure this doesn’t make you stupid. If you are on time 99% of the time and are late, give yourself some grace- a friend would.

It is difficult to change these “tapes” in our head. Many of us recorded these tapes from how we were raised. So it can be difficult to erase them and start over after many years. That is why it’s important to keep trying until the tapes become a more normal way for you to think or talk to yourself.

So when you start feeling depressed or are feeling down on yourself, ask yourself,  ”How is my self-talk?. Try to change your self-talk to a more positive and friendly response. Is that how you would talk to a friend? Would you abuse someone else like that? I don’t think so. Don’t do it to you!

Thanks for listening and have a great week! This may be my last blog for awhile but I will be back after baby….. Or maybe I’ll slip in a surprise blog or two after those middle of the night awakenings!! God bless!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.