Monthly Archives: October 2010

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20Oct 2010

What do you turn to?

A few weeks ago, my 2 year-old son bumped his head HARD on the bunk bed. He immediately screamed and cried. I felt so sorry for him. I picked him up and held him while tears ran down his face. He then started saying to me, “I want my pacifier!” to which I said, “I know you want your pacifier but that is only for bedtime.” Then he said, “I want my blankie!” to which I replied, “That is only for bedtime, too”. He started having a fit. He was so angry that I wouldn’t give it to him. It hit me then and there how early it starts for us to want something to immediately make us feel better when we experience pain. I can be no different than my two year-old: I am tired, I want some tea. I am sad, I want someone to make me laugh. I am grieving, I want to run away from it and lose myself in a TV show. We all do it.

Some may think it’s cruel to not give him his pacy or his blankie. There are appropriate times for him to have them and we stick to those rules. I want my son to learn other ways to deal with pain than reaching out for immediate gratification. Funny thing is, when he didn’t get what he wanted and he quit having his fit, he came to me for hugs and asked me to kiss it to make it better. He finally chose something appropriate. I held him, kissed his little curls on his head, and he ran off to play. It was age appropriate and ok for him to reach out to me for comfort.

It’s hard to remind myself to not reach out to things, too. I try not to, for me, and to not be a hypocrite to my kids. I want them to watch me deal with pain in an appropriate and effective way. So what do you turn to? Food, drugs, alcohol, relationships, sex, spending? There are so many things that temporarily make us feel better but in the long run damage our souls.

Thank you so much for reading today. I appreciate the feedback I get from you when you enjoy my blogs. God bless your day!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

13Oct 2010

How are you today?

One of my friends said something today that I just had to share. She was telling me about a conversation she had with another friend. The friend asked her how she was doing that day. She answered her, “I’m not having a bad day. I’m just working really hard to have a good day!” I told her that I loved that because it was such a great change of perspective. Instead of droning on about having a bad day, she was making a choice to try to make it a good day.

I think many times, we don’t realize the power of our words. What we speak can actually come into existence. If we are always talking about being overwhelmed and depressed, we are probably going to feel depressed most of the time. In addition, we bring down those around us. People may eventually quit asking because they don’t want to hear it. But if we choose to focus on the positives and speak them, more positive people want to be around us and we attract more positive things in our lives. I am not advocating for us to be codependent and try to make everyone else feel good so we feel good. I am just stating that the more positive we speak, the more positive we will feel, and the more positive we will attract.

So…. how are you today?? :)

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

07Oct 2010

Feel good by setting smaller goals

“My goal for today is to find out what is causing the RANCID smell in my refrigerator!”  -My friend, Heather, mother of 4

I have been planning to write a blog on small goals for quite some time. I must say my friend Heather, quoted above, inspired me on Monday when she said this with such passion!  She was in the kitchen and I was in the living room playing with the kids. My ears perked up when I heard such passion and the sentence start with “My goal for today….” I knew it would be something profound. So I literally laughed out loud when she told me what her goal was.

When you are overwhelmed, going through life, and sometimes just surviving day to day, to achieve a goal that simple can mean so much to your mental health. Every time Heather opened the refrigerator she was reminded of something she needed to get done and something that made her feel negative. So today was the day to end the madness.

When we feel overwhelmed, depressed, or anxious, it is important to not make it worse by looking at the big picture. Looking at our situations as “forever” or “always” makes us want to give up. It is more helpful to break things into smaller pieces. What part of the picture can I do today to make the situation better, bearable, or make myself feel a little better?

I was reminded of the importance of this on my maternity leave. With 3 children at very different stages of development, having completely different needs, I often felt very overwhelmed and inadequate for the task at hand. I had to live in the moment and put out fires one by one. After awhile, I started feeling down on myself. I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything. In reality, I was accomplishing a lot. I was keeping 3 little ones fed, bathed, safe, and healthy every day. But I couldn’t see that at the time. So I pulled a tool out of my mental health tool box. It was a tool we used when I worked in the Stress Center. Every morning we would have a group and everyone would state their goal for the day. What is one thing you can do today to help yourself feel better? So I started doing this. Some days it would even be as simple as I wanted to wash my hair or call and make an appointment. Or one day it was that I want to take a shower without an interruption. It sounds silly but that would take planning on my part. It was amazing how accomplishing that one thing would make me feel like I was accomplishing something! One day I remember sharing with my best friend that my goal for the day was to get the kids outside on a walk. It took us literally an hour to get us all out the door only to have 2 of the 3 poop their pants before we got around the cul-de-sac! She asked why I even bothered going back out after cleaning them up. I told her I was determined because it was my goal for the day!! I felt better after accomplishing it.

So when you find yourself very overwhelmed or feeling too depressed to do anything, ask yourself, “What is ONE thing I can do today?” and try to accomplish it. Then the next day, try it again. Take things in smaller doses, look at the puzzle in smaller pieces, and take a small step.

By the way, Heather, what was that smell???? :)

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.