Monthly Archives: February 2011

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23Feb 2011

Our initial thoughts and our responsibility to them

Last week I was too busy chatting with the cashier at the grocery store to realize I did not put my roast up on the counter. I got out to my car, started unloading my groceries, and realized it was hidden under my unused recycling bags. UGH! It was after work, so I was really tired, in my 4-inch heels (again!), and it was raining! I have to ashamedly admit, my first thought that went through my head was…. “No one will ever know!” AAAHH I can’t believe I’m admitting that to you. But it’s the truth.

I did unload the rest of my groceries and return back into the store, got in line, and told the cashier what had happened. He seemed taken aback that I actually came back in to pay for it. That’s another blog in itself.

On the way home, I started thinking about thoughts. Mostly my initial thought that bothered me. One of my morals that I value the most is honesty and integrity. I am a true believer in character being what you do when no one is looking. Why in the world did that come into my thinking? Then I gently reminded myself what I remind my clients so often…

I am regularly asked about thoughts. “Can we control them? Am I horrible that I initially had this thought? I can’t believe that actually went through my mind!” These are phrases/questions I hear all the time. I know some people in our field and in Christianity believe we can control our thoughts. It is my opinion that we cannot control our initial thought. If we could, why in the world would we actually think some of the things we do? We would choose that? I don’t think so. Where our responsibility begins is what we actually do with that thought. Do we continue thinking about it and what I call “marinate in it”? Do we let it go down a road that isn’t constructive, for us, our marriage, our relationship with God? Do we act upon it? This is what we can actually control. This is important to get because it can take away unneeded shame (the initial thought) but empower us (with what we do after). After the initial thought, you can stop the thought processes immediately and do/think something different.

I was glad I was able to remind myself of this. I didn’t have to spend my ride home beating myself up over my initial thought. Instead I spent it wondering why the cashier was surprised! What is the world coming to?? I’m gonna compromise my morals over $8.63? And then go home and actually enjoy the pot roast when I know I stole it?? I don’t think so!

Thank you so much for reading this week. Remember, it’s not the initial thought, it’s what you do with it! Have a great day!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

16Feb 2011

Tips for helping with delayed gratification

Recently my husband purchased new bedroom furniture for me as a Christmas present. I was SO excited! We laughed as we talked about how the master bedroom looked like two college kids who had moved in and put all their furniture together. The huge task before us was not fun. In order for them to deliver all the furniture, we had to clean out our room, including our existing “furniture” if you will call it that. We kept putting it off because we knew the task at hand would not be fun. Thursday night is my late night. I was so disappointed in myself when Thursday came and we were moving furniture at 10 PM after a long day. It was our fault. We are busy but we also put it off. They were coming on Friday! As I started huffing and puffing and griping and moaning, I realized I was making myself (and poor hubby) miserable. I literally stopped myself. For a quick second, I imagined to myself what my room would look like this time tomorrow. I would be laying in my new bed, with my new comforter, husband waving a fan to cool me while feeding me chocolates….Oh wait, that wasn’t going to happen. I brought myself back into reality though and thought about how wonderful I would feel when this was all over. Suddenly I had a new found energy to get the old junk out to make room for the new cool stuff!

This made me think of how difficult it can be for delayed gratification. I see this so much with my clients who are trying to stop being addictive. I see it with my couples who just can’t make it thru a difficult communication exercise. I hear it with the depressed client who struggles with motivation to do ONE thing this week to help them feel better. It is SO hard to do something now for something better later. But this exercise can really help.

Stop yourself in your tracks! (Whatever it is- wanting to “use”, not wanting to work out, not wanting to do that ONE thing, wanting to eat that donut at midnight when you aren’t hungry and you swore you wouldn’t!)
Visualize what you WANT to happen. Picture yourself feeling good, feeling gratification from your hard work and waiting.
Do what you got to do. Or don’t do what will not be helpful.

It sounds simple- it is- but in the moment can be difficult. The great thing is the more you practice doing it, the better you will become at it. When you think about it, isn’t this a lot of how life used to be before everything got so fast and immediate? We could learn a lesson or two from those “good ole days”!

I hope you have a wonderful week. Once again, thank you for reading!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

09Feb 2011

Planning, inflexibility, and snow days Oh MY!

Last week, Tamara and I were discussing on Monday what we would do about a meeting we had the following morning, if the ice storm actually hit. I told her after much discussion, “God creates bad weather for those of us who think we have everything under control!” We both got a chuckle out of that. Mostly because we both like to THINK we have things under control but we both know we don’t.

Awhile back, I was reading a Simple Marriage blog (great blog by the way http://www.simplemarriage.com). Corey, the author, said, “Have you heard this riddle: How do you make God laugh? Just tell him you have plans!”. I LOVED that and laughed as I thought of how true that is.

I am a person that enjoys planning. I like to know what is next and how it all fits together. Some of this comes from my childhood, I know, and some of it stems from wanting to feel like I am in control. It can be real easy for me to get out of sorts when things don’t go as planned. Now that I balance a family, a career, a business, and many other things, I have learned I have to be flexible and take things as they come. Sure I still am a planner. But I used to get so upset if ANYTHING went different than my plans. I still feel that initial anxiety at first when plans go array. But I immediately remind myself that I am not in control, God has a different plan, and I can only do what I can do. Last week was a reminder of this. On Tuesday, I was fine with the snow day. There was nothing I could do about it, so I enjoyed my kids all day long. Wednesday, when I saw it was more of the same, I told myself I would do the same. Not so much. 2 of my 3 children came down with something. My stress-free, play with the kids day became a day of trouble shooting kids being sick. Once I realized I was getting stressed, I grinned as I thought of the riddle from Corey. I really thought I was doing SO good- being ok with the snow day. But hey, can you handle not one but two sick kids, too? I can if I keep my thinking in check, remind myself it is what it is, and IT is ok.

Are you a planner? Do you become rigid and inflexible if things don’t go your way? Take a deep breath, remind yourself it is what it is, do what you can, and then let it go!! I did and am grateful I can! Thank you for reading! Have a great week.

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

02Feb 2011

Live Your Life to Rejoice When You Die!

Yesterday, as most Indiana residents, I was snowed/iced in. I was turning on the news at noon and realized they were broadcasting the funeral of an Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Officer that was killed last week. His name was David Spencer Moore. He was 29 years old. He was shot 7 times on a routine traffic stop. Last week I heard about this and felt so sad for the family. I am so grateful that yesterday I turned on the news to witness his ceremony. He sounds like a wonderful man- full of life, loved his family and friends, and actually loved serving as a police officer. His ceremony reminded me of so many things. One, how much we take for granted that police officers place their lives on the line for us everyday. Even a routine traffic stop can be fatal. We need to thank them more often. Thank you to all of you who serve and protect us!

I was also reminded that each of us will have a day when our friends and family will gather around us and say good bye. I know that sounds so morbid but it’s true. What will your family say about you? Now I know typically when people die we all say nice things about them. Even those we may not have cared for too much, we come up with something nice. But what will people say and truly mean? You could tell in this ceremony there was not enough time for all the wonderful things that could be said about him. I never met him, didn’t know him, yet somehow after yesterday I felt I did. Because he left such an imprint on so many people’s lives. I want to die that way!

The most important thing that was said yesterday and my main point of this blog, is to share with you what his father said. I was amazed at how he was able to stand in front of the many people at Conseco and actually give a eulogy without any emotion. He said, “You cry when you are born and the world rejoices. Live your life so when you die the world cries and you rejoice”! Wow! Nothing else needed to be said! Live your life so others miss you but so you receive your reward in heaven! There is so much truth in that. That is how I want to live. How about you? Are you living to make connections with others? Does your life have meaning and are you creating it or waiting for it to happen? Are you living so you can one day rejoice in heaven or just enjoying the immediate pleasures here on earth? I don’t mean that in a judgmental way at all. But it’s easy to get caught up in what’s here and not think about what lies beyond here in this life.

I hope you will take some time to think about this. I know I have.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a blessed day!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.