Monthly Archives: March 2011

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30Mar 2011

Are you Numb?

It’s amazing what we can become numb to. When we first get sick or develop some sort of problem, it can feel so painful or irritating. But after time, our bodies adjust and although it may still feel painful, the intensity may wear down. Not in all cases but in some. I am often amazed when I see someone who is in a wheelchair- what once probably felt like the end of the world has now become a part of their life and they are able to deal with it so efficiently and make it work. I am in awe of that, as I complain about my small inconveniences from day to day. I’m sure when they first became disabled they never imagined they would one day be able to handle it the way they do now. They are somewhat forced to become numb to it.

I do believe this is something God gave us to be able to cope with some of our challenges in life. However, I see the other side of this all too often. I see people who are in a horrible marriage and have become numb to it. They say, “This is just how life is, right? My parents were like this and now we are.” Numb. I see women who have been struggling with Depression for so long, raising their little ones and providing for their families, they have become numb to the deep sadness and pain on the inside. Numb. I see men who struggle with their lack of connection to others and who have lost a sense of adventure in their lives, just going day in and day out at a job with little purpose or enjoyment to them. Numb. I see men and women who were sexually abused as children. They HAD to numb themselves when they were little to keep the “secret” they swore they would never tell. They now numb themselves with drugs, alcohol, rage, control, sex, relationships, or food. Numb.

It’s so sad that this defense mechanism that God gave us to help ourselves cope has now become a way of life for so many. The problem is, when you numb out to the bad emotions, you also numb out to the good ones, too. If you numb yourself to sadness, it will be difficult to feel happiness when it comes along. Your body can’t decipher the two- it just numbs itself all over. It’s like when you go to the dentist to get a cavity filled. When they give you a shot your whole mouth becomes numb, not just the area they will be working on. This happens with our emotions as well.

When clients come in to our office, we encourage them to quit numbing themselves and give themselves permission to feel. Feel it all, good and bad. We teach them how to cope with the bad and learn to really feel and experience the joy and happiness that comes from the freedom of not living numb! It is so amazing to watch the unveiling of this. It is beautiful and we are honored to be a part of this process.

I want to challenge you today- Do you live your life numb? Or do you really experience your life both good and bad. Do you see how the “bad” or difficult can make you stronger and better? It can help you experience the “good” and wonderful at an even higher level!

Thank you for reading today- I wish you the best!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

23Mar 2011

Hope in Our Hearts

“Hope is the voice that God uses to speak to our hearts instead of our heads.”

One of my dear friends from childhood is going thru a horrible, life changing time right now. Her niece, who is 25 years-old, was in a car accident 4 weeks ago that has left her in a coma. My friend was not only an aunt to her, but at times helped raise her like she was her own. They were very close. I have watched my friend be vigilant by her bedside, for signs of her coming back. This quote was posted on her CaringBridge site this week. It immediately caught my attention because of the word “hope” but the actual quote tugged at my heart.

So much of what we do relies on hope. If we do not have hope that people can get better, why keep doing what we do? Many times, not only in our line of work, but in life itself, our heads tell us something can’t be done. Logically, it doesn’t make sense. With clients, they often look at their situations and feel no hope. Logically, there seems to be little hope for a couple struggling thru an affair or the aftermath of the discovery of a sexual addiction. For someone who has felt depressed for years, left it untreated, and has little support- yes, your head says nothing is going to change. For the teen, who can’t see life beyond these difficult years- their head says “It’s not worth it, why keep going? This is what life is about?” For each of these examples, in their own minds, it would seem that logically there is not hope.

However, God comes in and offers each of us hope. Hope for a modern day miracle. A couple making it thru an affair and rebuilding an even better relationship from the struggle is nothing less than a miracle! Someone overcoming depression who had accepted it as a way of life, seeing their life has purpose and they can actually LIVE- a miracle! And yes, even the teen, having someone share with them the bigger picture and that life will be better than high school and the pettiness of everyone! So they choose to live rather than end their life. All of these are, in my mind, modern day miracles that give me hope.

It’s easy to look at the world, especially with everything going on, and feel there is no hope. But we can believe there is hope. Hope has to come from the heart and your heart has to be open to hear God speaking to it. So when logically it feels there isn’t hope, I offer a suggestion. Allow yourself to listen to your heart. Slow down and allow yourself the possibility for a modern day miracle. There may not be “burning bushes” or “water into wine” miracles going on, but they are happening. Trust me- I am an eye witness EVERYDAY!

That is why I can have hope for my friend, when she gets down and wonders if she is hoping for something “not logical”. No way- there is hope….in my heart!

Thank you for your valuable time! Have a wonderful week.

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

16Mar 2011

From The Confident Mom- We are the Star Roles in our Kids Relationship Production

Imagine Hope has the wonderful opportunity to be a guest columnist with The Confident Mom. Recently, I wrote a column on how we are the star role in our child’s “relationship production”. I thought you might enjoy reading it this week. Additionally, Susan, The Confident Mom, has a WONDERFUL website. It is worth taking the time to take a look. You can find the blog by going to her website and then going on her blog towards the bottom of the page. Or click on Imagine Hope’s picture to the right of the page. I hope you enjoy it and I’ll see you next week!

http://www.theconfidentmom.com

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

09Mar 2011

LOVE: A Feeling or an Action?

Almost every part of what we do in counseling at Imagine Hope deals with relationships. Whether it be a couple sitting in front of us in marriage counseling, hoping to restore their broken relationship, or an individual who is depressed and doesn’t like their self, thus creating a poor relationship with themselves. In relationships, inevitably, love comes up. Love for each other, ourselves, God, things- love is a topic of discussion.

I believe love is a feeling and an action. We definitely feel love. We feel it when we choose our partner, when we have children, for our parents, friends, for God. Most of us know how it feels to love. Most of us are blessed enough to also feel loved, which is no doubt, one of the best feelings we can have.

But what we hear quite frequently is that a couple “fell out of love” or “I just don’t love myself or take care of myself like I know I need to.” People have given up working on their relationships and themselves because they are living life based on their feelings.

No doubt, feelings are important. They tell us things and give us signals for what is going on around us. However, we can easily allow ourselves to be led BY our feelings. How many times do you say, “I just don’t feel like it so I’m not going to do it!” This is dangerous in relationships. There will be many times when we don’t “feel” like doing something. If we allow our feelings to become the leader and controller of our lives we will be in a mess. Every time you “feel” like not going into work, do you stay home? Sometimes you may but most of the time you don’t. When you “feel” like ramming your car into the person in front of you because he pulled out in front of you, do you do it? NO! You don’t want to ruin your car! Maybe his, but not yours! See, all day long we hopefully make good decisions that aren’t led by our feelings. But somehow in our relationships we think we can do it differently and then still maintain a good relationship. NO WAY! Many times, you will need to lead yourself to do something you don’t feel like doing. For example, taking out the trash because you know that your partner’s love language is Acts of Service. Or, giving a hug to your husband when he comes home, even though the kids have been climbing on you all day long and you don’t want to be touched! Having sex with your partner when your “not in the mood”, because it’s been awhile and that’s how they feel loved.

These things need to be intentional. They don’t come natural. We are innately self-centered beings. But if we become aware of our feelings and don’t necessarily ACT on them, or act in spite of them, we can have more positive relationships.

Love costs something. To love someone, even if they are easy to love, takes time, energy, emotion. So to do something intentional that will cause your partner or friend to feel loved, is to give them a gift. And don’t forget yourself. If you struggle with low self-worth, what can you do to show love for yourself? That’s important, too.

So remember, love is an action. Don’t let your feelings lead you, lead your feelings. Do something for someone you love so they feel loved, whether you feel like it or not!

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a LOVELY day!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

02Mar 2011

How Technology Can Create Communication Issues

Over the past 2 weeks I have had 3 different conversations that have gone bad. How?? They were communicated thru email or text! I do love the convenience of texting and emailing. I must say it has made my life so much easier to be able to text my husband that I am on my way home rather than having to dial, wait for him to pick up, and then we would inevitably get into a conversation about our day. Only postponing me getting home due to our chatting. It’s hard for those of us who enjoy talking to just cut to the chase. Texting does that for us!

However, these recent conversations have been a reminder to me of the importance of actually picking up the phone and talking. Here are some reminders of why and when it’s important:

When:
1. When there is a potential for conflict.

2. When conflict is already on the rise and happening.

3. When the person you are going to communicate with has difficulty hearing what you say in a positive manner (when you are actually trying to be positive). If you know someone who has a hard time hearing you when you are positive, then definitely do not email them something that is negative!

4. When you communicate in a way that can sometimes sound more terse than is intended.

Why?
1. People read emails and texts in the voice that they use to talk to themselves. Many peoples internal dialogue is not very positive. So if you are trying to express something to them that could actually be positive, they could hear it in a critical or shaming voice.

2. People cannot see your body language. I am amazed at what our bodies communicate. Because this is something I constantly watch for and listen to in my sessions, it is so important for me to see how someone was saying something as much as the importance of what they said.

3. You cannot hear voice inflection or tone in your emails or texts.
Someone could just be in a really bad place emotionally when they receive your communication. You have no control over when they read it. If you actually talk to them you can say, “Is now a good time for us to talk?”.

All of these are important reasons why we need to think before doing our natural habit of communicating via technology. Luckily for me, 2 of my text conversations turned our quite funny. Our misunderstanding with each other cracked us all up! But this is not always the case.

Thank you so much for reading today! I hope you have a wonderful week.

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.