Monthly Archives: June 2011

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23Jun 2011

Choosing to Not Ruin My Lunch

My husband and I have had a weekly lunch date for many years. We enjoy going out together, without the kids, and having uninterrupted conversation. Last year, my husband took a job further away. Unfortunately, we had to alter our ritual. We had to go down to every other week and lately it’s been one time a month! It’s been hard, but with each of us driving 15 minutes there and then 15 minutes back just to meet in the middle, it’s become difficult. However, the time is even more cherished now that’s it’s less frequent.

Last week was a particularly busy week for the both of us. My husband was 30 minutes late in calling me to tell me he was leaving to meet me. While I was waiting, I was afraid to make any calls that I needed to make because I wanted to be ready as soon as he could go. I couldn’t get a hold of him to see what was up. I don’t do well waiting on people and I don’t like people waiting on me. I value my time and others time as well. So this is a button of mine, I know (I’m still re-reading that patience book! lol). But I have to confess, I was FUMING! I had SO much I needed to do. I felt so frustrated as I waited, killing time. After 25 minutes I realized I had wasted all of that time and started to get into doing something. So when he called, I was short and let him know I was not happy.

I am grateful for our 15 minute drive to meet. I was able to have a conversation with myself that went something like this (Yes I was talking to myself- we Therapists call this “self-talk”).

Me to myself: “Oh I am TICKED! I’m gonna let him know when I see him that I am NOT happy! He KNOWS how busy I am. I just blew off a half hour! Do you know how much I could have done in 30 stinking minutes?? We only get to do this once a month now- seriously? Oh I am MAD!! Well he can go get groceries now when he gets off work because I will have to return the calls and emails that I could have just completed during that time. I’m gonna let him know that as soon as I see him!”

This went on for about 5 minutes. Suddenly, I realized I had a choice to change this conversation.

Me to myself: (Deep breath!) “Wait a minute. You have been waiting for this all day. Are you going to be mad and ruin it because he was late? Do you think he really wanted to be stuck in work rather than be with you? Probably not. (But I’m still ticked!) Yeah, so you’re mad. Can you let him know and then get over it so you can enjoy your lunch? Or do you want to ruin the lunch? No, you want to enjoy the lunch. So you have a choice, you can be ticked, let him know, and punish him or you can let him know how you feel, let it go, and enjoy your lunch. It’s not worth it. I’m letting go!”

At that moment, I took some deep breaths and decided I wanted to enjoy the lunch. When I saw my husband, he immediately apologized and explained he was in a meeting that ran over and he had left his phone on his desk so he couldn’t even text me. He then asked how I was doing today. Very calmly I said, “I am frustrated because I had a lot I could of done while I was waiting. I’m disappointed.” He apologized again and I honestly let it go.

I am in no way saying I am the perfect role model of healthy behavior. Sometimes i choose to be angry and ruin my perfect moments. But I have learned from that and I am just giving an example of how we do have a choice in our self-talk and in our behaviors. When our conversations with ourselves are spiraling, we can stop those, too. We can choose to act differently than in the past or how we were taught. How many times do we let perfect moments pass us by just to punish others to show them we are mad? We really punish ourselves, too.

One note about this- I am not in any way saying to use this as an excuse to not tell your partner how you are feeling. I did tell my husband how I felt, I just chose to not make a big issue out of it. It was a mistake and there was nothing he could have done about it. So I let it go. There are times when issues need to be discussed further. This just wasn’t one of them.

I am so glad I chose, at least on this day, to let my husband know how I felt and then let it go. We had a great lunch together.

Thank you for reading this rather lengthy blog today. I hope you CHOOSE to have a great day!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

16Jun 2011

Happy Father’s Day- A Tribute to My Dad

Father’s Day brings up a lot of emotion for many people. Every year, I feel sadness for my Best Friend who lost her Father to cancer 8 years ago. I know it’s a hard day for her. Many of my clients feel hurt, betrayed, unloved, and abandoned by their Fathers. My heart goes out to them as well.

I have always appreciated and loved my Dad, but I think because I see how much pain the loss of a Father can bring, I appreciate him even more.

Today I want to honor my Dad because of the wonderful person he is. I honestly do not know a more kind and loving person. I was blessed to have many positive memories of my life growing up with him that have fostered into a friendship now as adults. I remember him playing wrestling with the 3 of us, which is funny because we are all girls. But he would get on the floor and tickle and wrestle us as we laughed and giggled till our bellies hurt. He would go out in the yard and throw the softball with us. He taught me how to swim and to ride a bike. My Dad worked in a factory, often double shifts, so I know he had to have been tired. Sometimes when I am worn out from work and want to just “sit” when I get home, I think of my Dad in that hot factory with long hours. I somehow muster up the energy to play “Tickle Monster” with my little ones!

My Dad was a very understanding Father. He loved and still loves each of us unconditionally. I’ll never forget when I was a teen, I had some issues I was struggling with that I was afraid to tell him about. I was so fearful of how disappointed he would be in me and how maybe he would think differently of me. However, I never once doubted he would still love me. When I ended up telling him and my Mom about my issues, they both immediately started helping me get the help I needed. They did not shame me or yell at me. They just showed me unconditional love.

The most important thing my Dad modeled for me was his Faith. My Dad has unbelievable Faith! He showed this in his life and in our family over and over and over again. I remember seeing him rise early before he had to leave to work (and the factories start early you know!). He would be at our table, praying and reading his Bible. I know that took a lot of discipline and dedication, yet he always seemed to be enjoying it. He is a man of prayer and I really appreciate that!

It is so fun to see my Dad now being an awesome “Papaw” to my kids. They think the sun rises and sets because of him! Even though his back is sore, he’s worn out, and beat down from life sometimes, he still wrestles with them almost every time they ask him (and that’s a lot!). He takes time to teach them about life and piggyback the values and morals we are trying desperately to teach.

I know every person has their faults. My Dad admittedly has them. But it seems we hear so much negative about Fathers, I wanted to remind people there are good ones out there also! Thank you for letting me brag on mine for a moment. And Dad, thank you for being you and being the best Dad a kid could ever ask for. I love you!

For every Father out there, I want to wish you a wonderful Father’s Day. Being a Father is the most important privilege you will ever have. I honor you and respect you for the huge task you are given. Thank you for reading!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

08Jun 2011

Seize the Moment

This weekend, my niece graduated from high school. The gym was hot, crowded, and the constant interference from the microphone and PA system was enough to make anyone scream. But I barely noticed- she looked so pretty in her white cap and gown- the biggest smile I have EVER seen on her face. She stood taller than I have ever seen her stand as she walked down the aisle to “Pomp and Circumstance” (that one always jerks a tear out of me!)

As someone told my sister this weekend, “It really does take a village”, my sister reminded me that my husband and I were part of that village. We did a lot for and with my niece as she grew up, not because we had to but because we wanted to. So watching her go down that aisle was as close as I could get to it being one of my own.

As I set there, several thoughts ran thru my head. There were a lot of graduates, so I had a lot of time to think. I won’t bore you with all of my thoughts but one of them hit me like a 2×4! It went like this- “Wow! That is what 18 years feels like! That is how fast that goes. in that small amount of time, even less, my kids will be walking down a graduation aisle!” I was stunned. How does time go that fast? And now that I have 3 kids of my own, with each child, it seems to go faster.

It was a good reminder to me when my 3 year-old asks me to play, am I really that busy or can I stop for a few minutes? In a few years he won’t want me to play. When my 11 month-old is getting into things do I just tell her “no” or do I stop and actually try to entertain her for a minute? Usually not, I’m busy you know. When my 6 year-old is telling me about his imaginary basketball game he played, where he hit a last minute 3 pointer to help the Bulls actually BEAT Miami, am I listening and throwing in my 2 cents or just nodding my head, pretending to be listening? It won’t be long before he doesn’t share his imagination with me.

This is a good reminder, not only if you have kids, but in all relationships. None of us know if we will see our kids graduate, or make it to our silver anniversary with our spouse. We may not get a chance to tell our neighbor hello again or let a co-worker know we appreciate them. We all need to not take time or each other for granted.

This was a good whop in the head for me. A bitter sweet moment, nonetheless, but something was taken from it.

What can you do today to stop time, just for a minute?

And I have to give a shout out to my niece- Congratulations!!! I’m so proud of you! Now go out there and change the world! lol Love ya!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

01Jun 2011

Gratitude is an Attitude

Life is tough! It seems to me, as things are meant to be easier for us with the modern technologies we have, things are getting more busier and complicating. Can you relate?

I think as life gets busier and more challenging, it is easier to get into a negative mind set. We are consumers and it’s easy to think of everything we don’t have, versus what we do have.

I think it would help us all to have more of an “Attitude of Gratitude” for what we do have. I teach this to my clients and practice it in my life as well. Some may call it “Mary Poppins” or “Pollyanna”, but it is actually just reminding yourself of what you do have.

When I was in graduate school, I felt myself get in “the pit”. I had very little time to do what I enjoyed and barely enough money to get by, let alone do something fun. I started complaining and having pity parties for myself. One day, I heard Oprah talk about keeping a Gratitude Journal. I started this then and I believe it changed my thinking to an Attitude of Gratitude. Suddenly, I began realizing what I did have. This has carried on with me today and changed how I try to think about things.

Let me give you some examples:

I despise doing laundry- I’m sure most people do- but it’s my least favorite chore next to cleaning the toilets! So when I start having a pity party for all the laundry I have to do, I breathe a prayer and say, “Thank you that I have a family that is well- the dirty, grass-stained jeans mean my kids are healthy enough to run and play.”

I don’t enjoy grocery shopping either (can you tell I love being a Mom but not the duties that come with it?). But when I am thinking of all the things I would rather be doing with my time, I try to remind myself, “I am grateful I have the money for groceries today. We are blessed that we have choices and I can choose what to feed my kids. Someone would die for this food.”

I am not especially happy that we Hoosiers just skipped Spring and went into 90 degree weather. But yesterday as I was sweating on my way home, I was grateful. I am thankful it is not raining and 40 degrees!

I could go on and on but I think you get the point. I am not saying to deny how you feel or to push thoughts that need to be processed away. I am just saying when you are complaining about something you can’t do anything about, is it possible to see something good in it?

I’m amazed at what a difference this has made in my life. And I have seen people literally transform their thinking when they are in the bottom of the pit. I have seen people who have lost their jobs, yet concerned and working hard to get one, also see this as an opportunity to grow, relax, have fun, and do what they want when they want. They are seizing the day! It is inspiring to see.

I would encourage you, as a small baby step, start writing down 5 things you are grateful each day. Try to make it different each day. Just taking the time to allow your mind to think about it will give you a shift in thinking. You may find yourself creating a habit that will extend beyond just the 5 things. You begin to make it an ATTITUDE of Gratitude!

Today, I am grateful for everyone who reads our blogs. I love writing and enjoy the emails and comments I get from you all.

What are you grateful for today??

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville