Monthly Archives: September 2011

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28Sep 2011

Codependency vs Serving Others

Thank you very much for your emails and discussions you’ve shared with me regarding “serving others” over the past couple of weeks. I have a question that often comes up with this topic. I get it a lot when I am teaching clients about codependency. I teach them how important it is to not overextend yourself too much for the wrong reasons. For example: never saying no because you don’t want others to be mad at your or think bad of you. Or doing doing doing for others without ever taking time for yourself and taking care of your own health, both physically and mentally.

So the question I get when I start talking about serving others and Codependency is, “Where do you draw the line between serving others, as Christ called us to, and being Codependent?” Now before you tune me out because you may not want to read about Christ, this can go for all areas of spirituality. Most every kind of “religion” calls us to be kind and love others. This can speak to you as well.

I will attempt to answer the question:

When you serve in a Codependent way, your motives are different and you feel different about it. Your motive is usually to please others, get their approval, have them like you, to avoid conflict etc. You often feel you can not do enough or be enough, so you keep doing and doing. Usually your feelings end up in frustration. You feel unappreciated and that no one ever returns your “favors” and does anything for YOU. You often feel resentful and have a hidden anger that pops its ugly head when you have these feelings.

When you serve from a servants heart, and how Christ calls us to serve (to be like Him), you serve because you WANT to! You think of something to do for someone and you can hardly wait to do it. Sometimes you don’t even care if they know you did it because it’s about them, not you! You don’t have to pull up enough energy to do it, you are energized by doing it. You can truly feel love in your heart for that person and you want to express it.

See the difference? One is from the heart, the other is to fill the heart to avoid a void. The really neat thing about serving is it actually does fill your heart- with joy, peace, and more love. That’s so much better than anger, resentment, and frustration.

So when you are wanting to serve and you are on that line- not sure whether you are being Codependent or Christ-like, ask yourself:
Am I doing this because I want to or feel I have to?
Am I angry/resentful about doing it?
Am I expecting something in return?
Is this about me or them?
I think you get the picture.

Let me know if you have any other questions about this. Thanks again for reading and have a GREAT day!

Natalie K Chandler, MA, LMHC, LCAC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Fishers, Carmel, Zionsville, and Noblesville.

21Sep 2011

How to Help Others When There’s a Crisis

Before I begin my blog topic for today, I just had to share something wonderful! Do you remember back in July (28th to be exact) when I wrote about “Racheal’s 9th Birthday Wish”? I was inspired by a little girl who made a wish and then passed away in a car accident. If you haven’t, you can read how she challenges each one of us to “Outlive our Lives”! i just wanted to update you that as of this AM on KLOVE radio, she has raised 1.2 million dollars to build wells for people without water!!! Isn’t that amazing?? Her goal was $300! I was in tears…again!!!

This week I wanted to talk to you about how to help people thru a time of crisis in their lives. Currently, I have a few friends who are in a lot of pain. Their pain both saddens me and inspires me. I am amazed by their strength! I have a friend whose husband has a brain tumor- they find out today if it’s cancerous. In the midst of that, another friend’s father passed away. Additionally, I have a close friend whose niece was in a car accident in February. She sits vigilantly by her bedside to comfort her still, as everyone else’s lives have gone back to normal. There is a lot of pain and it’s all very close to home. I’m so sorry to each of these friends whose lives are in chaos and pain, daily.

One thing I am grateful for is that this time, when my friends are struggling, I feel I have a better handle on how to help. I’ve always been one to say, “If I can do anything, let me know”. When I went thru the struggle with my niece in the ICU in June, I realized how nice this statement is, but how it puts the responsibility on the person who is in crisis to let you know what to do. I remember when I was at the hospital day and night with her and people would say this. I thought to myself, “How do I tell them I need someone to do my laundry so my kids have clean underwear tomorrow?! How do I ask them to go to the grocery for me because we are out of milk and my husband’s at home with the kids and I won’t leave here till midnight?” For one, you are in such a crisis mode that you don’t know WHAT you need. And two, how do you ask these things?

So I realized thru this, you don’t ask- you TELL the person what you will do for them. You say: “I’m going to the store. Please make a list of what I can pick up. I’d like to do your laundry- how can we arrange this. I’m bringing a meal over tonight, is chicken ok?” That takes so much off of them. I’m so grateful that I learned this so I knew what to do thru these crisis’s with my friends. I am hoping this will help you, too.

Here are some ideas to help your friends when they are in need:

1. Cook a meal for them! What a gift!
2. Offer to run errands, go to the grocery etc.
3. Offer to clean up their house or throw a load of laundry in.
4. Watch their kids so they can have a break or if someone is hospitalized, so they can visit the person together.
5. Offer to take care of pets, pick up mail etc.
6. Mow their lawn (and don’t tell them you did it! How wonderful to think you have to get that done and someone does it for you.)
7. Offer to take out their trash on trash day
8. If they are sitting and waiting at a hospital, and they want visitors, bring them a Starbucks or something to cheer them (Thanks, Tammy! I got this idea from you- it meant so much!).
9. Give them a gas card if they are traveling to and from a hospital or to a home to take care of someone who is sick.
10. DO NOT try to fix the problem by saying things like, “It will be ok or Don’t get so upset.” Just listen and allow them to tell their stories. Listen and offer encouragement.
11. Most importantly, PRAY! It is so hard to gather the words to pray when we are hurting or in crisis. Do this for them, when you think of them, pray, pray,….and pray again!

This list isn’t exhaustive by any means. Please feel free to add more in the comments.

It is in our times of need that we actually realize why friendships and relationships are so important. It is at this time that we lean on them for comfort and strength. Keep this list handy so you have the ideas readily available should the need arise.

Thank you so much for your time. I value each and every person who reads my blogs. Have a blessed day. And to my struggling friends…. I am praying for ya!!!!

Natalie K Chandler, MA, LMHC, LCAC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Fishers, Carmel, Zionsville, and Noblesville.

14Sep 2011

Got hope?

Last week in our group blog, we talked about 9/11 and what it meant to us. We talked about the National Day of Service and encouraged everyone to do something kind for someone to honor those who served and lost their lives. Our family decided to join the Million Lives campaign on KLOVE radio and have a lemonade stand. We donated our proceeds to Third Phase (thirdphase.org), a local shelter in Noblesville. By the way, this is a wonderful organization that helps so many people in need in Hamilton County.

The kids were excited, honestly, mostly because we were making cookies and having lemonade. They weren’t understanding what an impact we could make. As we got ready to set up, it started raining! The faces turned to frowns and we waited it out. We decided to try again and set it up in front of our house. The first hour and a half we had 2 customers- my BNF (Best Neighbor Forever, you know, like a BFF!) who supported us because she loves us. And we had one other neighbor whose kids really wanted the cookies!

The kids started getting discouraged and disinterested. I felt really bad for them. I was going back in forth in my mind, “Should I pack up? We could certainly spend our time as a family inside where it’s cool- I’m hot!” I was just about ready to give up hope until…… people started coming! One family led to another and another. One elderly man I didn’t even know came because he saw our flyer in his mailbox and wanted to refresh himself while mowing his lawn (I thought that was sweet!). I was amazed that people were kind and came and gave! Eventually, we closed up shop and took our proceeds to the shelter. When we entered the shelter, the kids understood what we had done and why we were helping.

I tell you this story for two reasons:

1. Just about the time you think there is no hope, the wind changes. Something happens and hope comes alive. I’m so glad I didn’t give up. For the kids sake and the shelter. I was being selfish. How many times do we give up out of selfishness? We give up on a marriage because it’s too hard or on a dream because we don’t want to keep pressing. We convince ourselves there is no hope. I’ve heard the saying, “Where there is life, there is hope!” I believe this to be true.

2. It’s important to reach out and serve others. The kids were gleaming when they took the money to the shelter. They felt that warmth in their heart that only comes when we give and serve others. I admit, I lack in this area- teaching them the importance of doing this regularly, rather than just the National Day of Service. It’s so important to teach them this.

So what have you given up hope on?
What ways can you teach your children to serve?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you have a blessed day!

Natalie K Chandler, MA, LMHC, LCAC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Fishers, Carmel, Zionsville, and Noblesville.

07Sep 2011

Letting Go- Even When It’s Good

I am experiencing a theme this week with my clients and friends- letting go of things that are “good” to have better. I thought it might be helpful to give a cliff note version of another talk Henry Cloud gave at Women of Faith a few weeks ago. He wrote a book that I can’t wait to read, Necessary Endings. This is based on his talk and that book.

Necessary Endings

Dr. Cloud gave an example of a rose bush. Rose bushes actually produce more buds than it can handle. (I didn’t know this- perhaps this is why my rose bush does not bloom as well as I wish but has a ton of buds! hmm.) So the pruner has to do 3 things:

1. Prune off the dead
2. Prune off the sick or weak ones
3. Prune back some that are good but are not the best

He used this as an analogy of things that we sometimes need to end. Some relationships, jobs, habits, addictions have run their course and it’s time to move on. We need to prune off the dead. Some aren’t dead but are weak or make us not well or at our best. We need to prune these as well. So why prune back the good ones? Because the good ones are not the best but are taking up resources that the best ones need! The best ones cannot produce the beautiful buds and eventually flowers that they have the potential to be because the “good” ones are taking their resources. So the bush just stays “good”.

How is this applicable? Sometimes just because something is good doesn’t mean it is the best thing for you. I have people tell me a lot, “I’m dating this person. I really like them but we are too different. They are a good person and really good to me so I stay.” This person is good, just maybe not the right person for YOU. They have difficulty ending it because nothing is horribly wrong (they don’t beat them or hurt them) but they just aren’t a good match. Many experience this in their jobs. “It’s money and provide for my family. I don’t enjoy it but it pays the bills!” I know in this economy, sometimes that is the case. But I’m talking about people who have the potential to have better and can get a better job, but they are too uncomfortable to do so.

Why do we do this? Why do we hold on to what is good but not best for us? Most of us are afraid to let go of something because we fear nothing good will come along. So many people live in a life of “good” but not GREAT out of fear!

Have you ever seen the movie The Butterfly Effect? They show the different ways the characters lives would have turned out if certain things would have happened differently. I wonder how many of us would have different lives if we let go of good to have the possibility of better. We can start now- it’s never too late!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.