Monthly Archives: November 2011

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30Nov 2011

A Quick Tip for Women When Their Partner is Hurting

Two weeks ago I gave a quick tip for men when their partners are hurting. Today I wanted to give a quick tip for women. This is something I have observed in my sessions and learned in my own marriage.

In the same way we women do not want to be “fixed” when we are hurting, in general, men do not want to “talk about their feelings” right away either. Again, this is in general. There are always exceptions.

When they are hurting, most men need some space. They need to go to their cave as John Gray in Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus so kindly put it. They need a little time to get away and think about things on their own. Usually after they do this, they are more able to tell you how they feel.

Because we are more emotional, and yes, we actually enjoy talking about our feelings, we think this is what they NEED! And if they don’t, they are pulling away from us. Usually this is more about us and our own insecurities than about them. When we perceive them pulling away, we start thinking and wondering if we did something or is he mad at me….. You know the drill- we start spiraling. But if we can give him his space, hopefully later he will be more open to talking (when we have created a loving, comfortable environment in our relationship).

Now a side note to men, in the same way you may need to be reminded from time to time to not fix us, it would help tremendously if you could let us know you need some space but would be willing to talk later. Then we can feel a little more confident that “WE” are okay and it’s something you need to work thru. Thank you- that helps a lot!

Let me know if these tips have been helpful. If so, I have plenty of them. One wonderful perk of my job- I get to learn what to do and what NOT to do in relationships!

Thank you for reading and again, for the comments I get each week via email/blog. I appreciate you all.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

23Nov 2011

Why Gratitude?

This week we hopefully can take the time to think about what we are grateful for. As I was thinking about my list, I was thinking about the importance of practicing gratitude all year. There are so many benefits of doing so! I wanted to share 10 with you.

1. It forces you to think about something positive

2. You will be focusing on more positive, thus you will feel more happy in general.

3. If people who are grateful tend to be more happy, they will attract more people to them socially. People generally want to be around happy, positive people :) (unless they are miserable and misery loves company :( )

4. Being grateful increases your energy.
Think about how you feel when you think about depressed things all day. Think about how you feel when you focus on positive things all day.

5. Thinking of what we have been given keeps us humble.

6. Being grateful forces us to reflect inward and look inside ourselves.

7. Thinking of what we are thankful for helps remind us of what’s important.
If you practice this daily, I doubt you will say “I am thankful for my sports car” everyday. But I bet your family and friends will be on the list daily.

8. Being grateful boosts your health.
The more grateful we are, the less stress we feel. The less stress we feel, the better our immune system. The better our immune system, the more we are fighting off illness and disease.

9. Practicing a life of gratitude keeps you more at peace. It creates more optimism and hope. When you focus on be grateful, you remind yourself of the good, which can lead to feeling hopeful and peaceful.

10. Having a life of gratitude keeps us connected to our Faith.
Even in hard times, we can know God is up to something and knows exactly what we need, and is providing that for us.

Here are 2 quit things you can do everyday to practice a life of Gratitude:

>>When my son cannot sleep, I tell him to count everything he is grateful for. That way he can fall asleep thinking of all the good in his life, rather than the stress of not sleeping (This works like a charm!)

>>I’m sure you’ve heard it but I’ll say it again because it deserves repeating- keep a gratitude journal. Write down 5 things everyday you are grateful for.

I want to tell you that Imagine Hope and it’s readers, followers, and clients are among my things I am grateful for everyday. I love what I do and the people I work with and for. Thank you for being a part of our community. May God richly bless you this Thanksgiving!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

16Nov 2011

A Quick Tip for Men when their Partner is Hurting

I believe I was about 4 months pregnant with my 2nd son. I was so upset about something (I can’t remember what right now- but it was really important!) I was in our bedroom crying when my husband walked in. He was just popping his head in to get something as he was enjoying the Bears game downstairs. He didn’t realize he had walked into the tornado or he would have done without whatever he came in to get! I started crying even harder and telling him what I was upset about. He started offering suggestions and giving different ideas to help. In my pain, I shot every one down. I wasn’t even listening- that’s not what I needed. I think it finally hit him, remembering from previous conversations, what I needed. He took me in his arms, let me cry, and told me it was going to be ok. I cried for a minute longer and then felt better. I looked at him and said, “If you would of done this 20 minutes ago you wouldn’t have missed the whole quarter of that game!” We both laughed. He realized what I was really needing was comfort- not suggestions.

It’s amazing to me how different men and women truly are. I have to be honest- sometimes I ask God, “What were you THINKING!?!?” I see it played out day after day with the couples I work with, with my friends in their relationships, and played out in my own marriage.

I don’t mean to be stereotypical by any means but I am just stating what I see everyday. Generally, men are fixers and women are relational/feelers. Time after time I see a woman sitting on my couch crying and sharing her pain. Her husband feels so helpless that he starts offering suggestions and things they can do to “make it better”. I see the tears turn to frustration and anger. She doesn’t want him to fix her, she wants him just to “be” with her. Hold her, let her know he is there, or just empathize with her pain. This is where I literally wish I had a pause button. I would pause the session and say to him on the side, “This is where you just hold her and listen. Let her know you are here with her.” Then hit play and watch it play out. It would go 100% better.

There is not anything wrong with how we were created. I trust that the good Lord knew what He was doing when he created us so differently. We just need to understand those differences and find ways to love each other despite our differences. It is also our responsibility to share with our partner exactly what our needs are. If I had not ever shared that with my husband, he probably wouldn’t have thought to do that.

The week after Thanksgiving, I will talk about one way women can actually help when their husband is in pain.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you have a great week!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

09Nov 2011

Wilson on Castaway teaches us about Relationships

I am often asked if having imaginary friends when we are children is normal. Recently I was discussing this with a client and it made me think of the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks. In this movie, he is deserted on an island and is so lonely that he develops a “relationship” with a volleyball he names Wilson. Now just hearing that, without seeing the movie, sounds funny or silly. But when you are viewing the movie, you actually begin personifying the ball yourself! I just watched this a few minutes ago, after not seeing the movie for years, and actually teared up. Here is a small clip of when he actually loses Wilson:



Doesn’t your heart just break for him? I think it is that human suffering we can all relate to- being lonely, losing someone we dearly loved or depended on for comfort, holding onto a relationship as long as we can until we realize we are “drowning”. We can all relate somehow to this scene.

What this scene reminds me is how we were designed FOR relationships. No one is meant to be lonely or isolated. We all need people and each other. Many of my clients who come in suffering from Depression are lonely and isolated. Some of them designed their life this way and others have fallen victim to life’s circumstances. Either way, we were not made to be this way.

One thing I try to do is identify how they have become isolated. Then we work on ways to begin reaching out and forming relationships. That looks different for everyone.

Today I want to ask you if you are feeling lonely. If so, have you identified your part in it or do you fall victim to believing there is nothing you can do about it? If this is the case, I want to challenge that. Look deep within and challenge yourself to what you might be doing and how you can change that.

To answer the question, Imaginary Friends are normal! But once we grow up, it’s time to break out and make real, true, and meaningful relationships where we can love, laugh, and serve.

What are you doing to develop these relationships?

Thank you for taking the time to read this week. I hope you have a great week and I look forward to chatting next week.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

02Nov 2011

How My Son Found the “Glow” from Purpose

A few weeks ago, our church was a part of an awesome opportunity to serve. They cancelled all the services for the weekend and 3500 people went out and served in the community. It was so great to be a part of it.

We were particulary looking forward to this because we are always looking for creative ways to get our kids involved in serving as well. As the day approached, my husband and I suddenly realized our 7 year-old may be upset when he realized he would not only be giving up part of his Saturday but also have to get up before the sunrise to do it! So we opted not to tell him before we did it! Something I’m not usually into doing but we did it anyway. We also tried to think of ways to make it fun.

Early Saturday I woke him. He was confused. I said to him, “Mommy and Daddy have something very important we need your help with today. Before we go we will get some breakfast at _______”. (Yes, I can’t even say the words of the place we took him. My friends will know! Someplace we do not take our children!) He got out of bed, reluctantly, and griped as he put on his matching t-shirt (who could blame him!).

He’s a bright kid and quickly realized what was up. We let him complain and get it out- validated getting up early and putting on matching green t-shirts- and went on our way.

He started out by helping Daddy outside. Then he came inside and asked if he could help me. I was really surprised! I expected him to help my husband, then sit and complain about wanting to go home. He helped me scrub toilets! By the way- yes- ME, the germ-a-phobic, got to scrub the toilets! THAT is true service and showing Jesus to people! I could only do that in His name! lol Then he went back out to help Daddy again ( I don’t blame him, wish I could have, too!).

We were finally finished and headed back to the church for a picnic. I wanted to start a conversation to see how he was feeling. Before I could even start it he said to us, “Mommy and Daddy, thank you for letting me do this today with you!” Oh wow- I teared up (of course) and honestly, didn’t know what to say. I gathered myself together and thanked him for his kind spirit and his giving heart. When my son went for a refill I told my husband that we must be doing something right- our son had just thanked us for letting him serve!

What a proud parent moment. But more than that, I realized my son had felt that feeling inside that we get when we help others in need. That warm glow and burst of energy that can only be felt when we feel and release compassion. That healthy sense of confidence you feel, knowing that you touched someone and gave them hope. He didn’t realize that was what he was feeling, but I knew it. I was so happy for him.

I’m sharing this with you for multiple reasons (besides just bragging on my son!). I want to encourage you to think today-

1. When was the last time you felt that glow? That glow is purpose! What can you do in the near future for someone- to lend compassion to them and to help you feel more purpose in your life?

2. How can you be creative in teaching kids compassion? One thing we did to start the day off in a positive way was by taking him to the “forbidden” restaurant for breakfast. That was important to keep things positive. It wasn’t a bribe- “If you do this, we will take you out for breakfast.” No- it really was an attempt to create a positive feeling about the day. It was fun.

3. Just when you think you are the queen of service and can do it all- God puts you in charge of cleaning the toilets!! (another blog for another day!) :)

I hope you have a blessed week! Thank you for reading.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville