Monthly Archives: December 2011

You are browsing the site archives by month.
28Dec 2011

Interdependency and the Island of Misfit Toys

Couple of Misfits

Does this take you back to another time? I just LOVE to watch Rudolph with my kids. I don’t know if it’s the simple animation or just the nostalgia of childhood but it’s a favorite Christmas tradition.

Last night we were watching it (yes, we are running a bit behind on our Christmas shows!) and I couldn’t believe when I saw this scene. I thought to myself, “Wow! That’s interdependency!”.

When Rudolph and the “Misfit” Elf meet, the dialog goes like this (paraphrased)

Rudolph: Who are you?
Elf: I’m a dentist and I’m, I’m Independent!
Rudolph: Yeah, me too- I’m whatever you said- In-de-pen-dent.

Then something falls and scares them.

Elf: What do you say we be independent together?
Rudolph: You don’t mind my red nose?
Elf: Not if you don’t mind me being a dentist.
Rudolph: It’s a deal!
Then they break into song about being a misfit.

This caught my attention for 2 reasons-

1. Being interdependent is about being independently yourself (keeping your own sense of self and who you are) but also being a couple. It is having a respect for each other and knowing that we are not completely independent (we do need each other) but yet not being so needy that we smother the other person. I like how Joleen Watson describes it in her article “Planting the Seeds of Interdependency” http://www.imaginehopecounseling.com/fullarticles.php?ID=5
It is having a “me”, “you”, and “us”. I like to draw this for couples as two circles that partly overlap each other. Not completely, just partially. We still keep our individual selves inside of our relationship.

So I loved how the Elf and Rudolph were going to be “independent” (or really interdependent) together!

2. It made me think of how in the beginning of a relationship, we accept flaws in our partners or friends. We are longing for relationship so we don’t mind that they have a red nose or want to be a dentist when they are really an elf! As our relationships deepen, many times we become intolerant of those traits that were once acceptable.

It’s important to have the same grace we had with our partners or friends when we first met. They were the same people. Now of course I am not talking about accepting abusive or damaging traits. I mean things in our friends or partners that they cannot change.

This is such a brief overview of interdependence (it is a blog after all!) For more info, please read Joleen’s article above.

This week, what is one thing you can have grace for in your relationship or friendship?

Thank you for reading! Have a great New Year!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

21Dec 2011

Are you Resilient? 3 Ways to Develop Resiliency

Repost of Part 2 of the Poinsettia:

I know you are all probably sick of seeing pictures of my poinsettia. But look at the poor thing! I realized, yet again, that I had not been taking good care of it. I should put the poor thing out of its misery and give it to someone, shouldn’t I?? That’s what I was thinking Tuesday when I took this picture. But yet again, I gave it some water and some oxygen when I spoke to it and said, “I’m sorry! I wish you had a better home!” Yesterday I came in and it was back to life. Wow! Resilient little thing, isn’t it?

This triggered me to start thinking about resiliency. Why are some plants more resilient than others? Why are some people more resilient than others? I think some people are more resilient because of their circumstances. If you grow up where you are forced to be reliant, guess what, you develop resiliency. I remember reading a journal in Graduate School that talked about Adult Children of Alcoholics and how they show more resiliency than the average person. That makes sense to me. So some of it is circumstances. But I do believe we can also develop resiliency. I was able to identify 3 things right off the bat that could help us be more resilient in difficult situations.

The first thing is thinking positive. When something negative happens, it is natural for us to think something negative. But do we go into a spiral or think positive? I’m not saying to deny your negative feelings. However, it won’t do you any good to let yourself spiral into a negative thinking pattern that only brings on more negative emotions. TRY to see the positive in a situation.

The second things is to get historical. Think of a time in your life that you were down and out. What did you do to get out of it? What strengths did you have that helped you make it thru? You may have struggled, but you obviously made it thru because you are here, reading this today. So you lived! What was it that kept you hanging on? Did you ask for help? Did you think positive? Did you get on your knees? What did you do? Get historical and do it again!

The final thing that I find VERY helpful in helping me be resilient is quoting the Serenity Prayer:
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
That says it all:
What CAN I do?
Doing it.
And letting go of the rest!

I can imagine there are several other things that we can do to be more resilient. Those are just what came to mind today.

Feel free to drop me a comment on what you have found useful to help you be more resilient. Thank you so much for reading. I hope you have a great weekend!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

14Dec 2011

How my Poinsettia is like a Relationship


I’m sure some of you readers remember this as a repost from last year. I felt it bared repeating- especially this time of year! Enjoy!

Why in the world would I post an amateur picture of a poinsettia on my blog? And then compare it to a relationship? Let me tell you a little story….

Last week, Tamara was so sweet to think of all of us at Imagine Hope when she saw some beautiful poinsettias while shopping. She surprised us all with them at the office. I enjoyed looking at it last week at work. I was out of the office for the weekend, and when I returned on Tuesday, mine looked like I had literally killed it. I felt so bad! I immediately gave it some water. By mid-afternoon I was happy to see that it was trying it’s hardest to come back. When I returned this morning, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I’m not kidding when I say that the poinsettia actually looks better than it did last week when she first gave it to me. It is so BEAUTIFUL! I was so excited!! One thing you should know is I am the one in the office that is known for killing the plants. I don’t know why I do but I do! Another thing you should know about us is we try, well we don’t even try, it just comes natural to us- we are all very light hearted and joke a lot when we are not working. It helps us keep our spirits up so we can be more positive with our clients. That and we all enjoy working with each other. Anyway, when I saw my beautiful plant, I HAD to text Tamara to show her. Her and Joleen had been in my office the day prior and I just knew they probably got a chuckle that I had already killed my Christmas present! So I text Tamara with a picture that said, “He is risen! He is risen indeed!” She got quite a chuckle out of that. I hope you did, too!

Ok, all of that to tell you my point!! Our relationships are so like that! Sometimes it may seem they are dying or really weak. Maybe they just need a little attention! It’s amazing what a compliment, a “How ARE you?”, or what a tight embrace can do when a partner is feeling lonely in a relationship. It can open the doors to conversations or just light a spark that could lead to a flame.

If you’re not “watering your plant” so to speak in your relationship, it’s going to die. We somehow get this notion that when we meet someone and fall in love, love will carry us through our lives. Not so! Yes, love is important, but if we don’t nurture and take care of our relationship, it will die off.

This is not only in romantic relationships but friendships, family members, and even our investment in our co-workers. You will typically get out what you put into it. One thing I know about Tamara is that she loves to laugh! So one reason I texted her the picture with the funny saying was to actually nurture our friendship. I was taking a moment out of a very busy day to make her laugh, let her know I was thinking about her, and to let her know that I saved the plant!

I’m so glad my poinsettia was saved! It’s so pretty! It’s also a reminder to me over the Holidays to invest time in my family. Not just the giving and the getting, but to truly invest in each of their love languages. So what plant can you water this weekend?

I thank God that he invested in us all and gave us His Son in human form so we could all relate to Him and have an example to live by. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. God bless you and your family!

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.

07Dec 2011

Creating Our Own Happiness

“Stop giving everyone else the job of making you happy!”
Joyce Meyer

Ooouuucchh! We are all a little guilty of this, aren’t we? Many of us focus on our spouse, our kids, friends, co-workers, and even our neighbors to provide us with happiness. We somehow think because we are unhappy or miserable it is because of everyone else and how they are not doing what we expect or want them to do. Many of us sit around and wait for our spouses to change, our kids to grow up, or our neighbors to move for us to feel happy.

Don’t get me wrong. I know if you work around someone who complains all day or if you have a spouse who shouts and gripes all the time, you are going to have a hard time naturally feeling happy when you are around them. But do you assume because they are unhappy that you have to be as well?

What if you decided that even if your spouse is unhappy you are going to create some happiness for you anyway? In the podcast that this quote came from, Joyce talks about how early on in her marriage she was miserable. She suffered horrible childhood abuse at the hands of her father and she was punishing her husband for it. She wanted him to be miserable because she was miserable. She said that he had decided he was not going to participate! He would do things without her to make himself happy. She said he kept a positive attitude and just chose to not give in to her misery. Eventually she got tired of being alone in her pity and started working on things to make changes.

Her husband could have easily walked around, moping, talking about how miserable his wife was “making” him. But he chose another way. And this way eventually spoke to her and helped her decide to change.

It’s easy to blame others for our own unhappiness. But if we can do what we CAN do (not participate in misery, stay away from negative people etc.), we may find happiness within ourselves. If you think about it, when you find happiness within yourself, than you are in control of your happiness and not at the mercy of someone else’s moods.

I challenge you to think of who you depend on for happiness. Maybe it’s time to put yourself back in control.

Thank you for reading. Have a great day!

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville