I am experiencing a theme this week with my clients and friends- letting go of things that are “good” to have better. I thought it might be helpful to give a cliff note version of another talk Henry Cloud gave at Women of Faith a few weeks ago. He wrote a book that I can’t wait to read, Necessary Endings. This is based on his talk and that book.
Necessary Endings
Dr. Cloud gave an example of a rose bush. Rose bushes actually produce more buds than it can handle. (I didn’t know this- perhaps this is why my rose bush does not bloom as well as I wish but has a ton of buds! hmm.) So the pruner has to do 3 things:
1. Prune off the dead
2. Prune off the sick or weak ones
3. Prune back some that are good but are not the best
He used this as an analogy of things that we sometimes need to end. Some relationships, jobs, habits, addictions have run their course and it’s time to move on. We need to prune off the dead. Some aren’t dead but are weak or make us not well or at our best. We need to prune these as well. So why prune back the good ones? Because the good ones are not the best but are taking up resources that the best ones need! The best ones cannot produce the beautiful buds and eventually flowers that they have the potential to be because the “good” ones are taking their resources. So the bush just stays “good”.
How is this applicable? Sometimes just because something is good doesn’t mean it is the best thing for you. I have people tell me a lot, “I’m dating this person. I really like them but we are too different. They are a good person and really good to me so I stay.” This person is good, just maybe not the right person for YOU. They have difficulty ending it because nothing is horribly wrong (they don’t beat them or hurt them) but they just aren’t a good match. Many experience this in their jobs. “It’s money and provide for my family. I don’t enjoy it but it pays the bills!” I know in this economy, sometimes that is the case. But I’m talking about people who have the potential to have better and can get a better job, but they are too uncomfortable to do so.
Why do we do this? Why do we hold on to what is good but not best for us? Most of us are afraid to let go of something because we fear nothing good will come along. So many people live in a life of “good” but not GREAT out of fear!
Have you ever seen the movie The Butterfly Effect? They show the different ways the characters lives would have turned out if certain things would have happened differently. I wonder how many of us would have different lives if we let go of good to have the possibility of better. We can start now- it’s never too late!
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Very familiar with the movie The Butterfly Effect…. he had one distinct advantage… he could see how things turned out then go back and try something different. Not all the changes he tried led to good things.
In this life we can only move forward and base our current and future choices on our past experiences and what we can learn from others around us without knowing what exactly the decisions we make or fail to make will bring about in our lives.
I don’t believe that anyone wants to make a ‘bad decision’ or a decision that results in negative consequences, but we each make choices with limited knowledge and do the best we can at the moment of decision. When past choices have led to negative outcomes we become more hesitant to make any decision at all which of course is a decision in and of itself.
Sometimes it’s a matter of being afforded the opportunity to make small decisions that are almost guaranteed to have a positive outcome in order to start to turn the deafening voice of past perceived failures in a new direction that makes all the difference.
That one ‘right’ or ‘good’ decision can be the candle that starts to push back the darkness. And when one candle is used to light others… soon the light can show a new path.
Thank you so much for your thoughts Debbie, Have a great day! Natalie