IHCG – Teri Claassen's Blog
Imagine Hope Counselor
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Couples go through many stages. Some are intense and connected, some are stuck in a rut, and others are enjoyable, but lack depth.
Do you find your relationship operates well on the surface, but lacks a deeper connection? If so, these tips will help.
Tip #1: Invest time in your relationship: When you get stuck in the daily grind of life, you might miss valuable chances to have a deeper connection. Set aside a time several days a week of uninterrupted time to connect.
Turn off the TV and unplug all your electronic devices that can be distracting, and put all your focus on your partner. Remember that 20 minutes 3 times a week can make a big difference. It’s not going to change if you don’t put the time and effort into it.
Tip #2: Get to know your partner for who they are today: When couples start dating, they spend tons of time getting to know their potential mate, but over the years they tend to stop because they think they know every thing about each other.
Have you changed since you started dating?….Yes of course! Make sure you take time to get to know who your partner is at every turn in life.
What do they think and how do they feel about things happening around them and in the world? Have their likes and dislikes changed? What pushes their buttons now compared to then? Relationships take a nosedive when a partner doesn’t feel like you even know them anymore, so staying on top of this will bring on a deeper care and understanding of your partner.
Tip #3: Dream Again: Remember the days when you shared your hopes and dreams? Have you stopped dreaming or stopped sharing your dreams with your partner? Sharing your goals and aspirations can bring a new vision to a relationship. It confirms your commitment to your partner and that you want them to walk along side you as you make your dreams a reality.
Make sure the message is clear when you share about your partner’s role in the dream. Leaving them out of it might come across that you don’t picture them as part of it and could look selfish.
Tip #4: Resolve Conflict by Dealing with the Root Issue: When something sets you off, it is important to take a step back and look at what is going on in you emotionally that your partner needs to hear and understand.
If you focus on the surface things like dishes, dirty clothes, or spending habits, your partner may not truly understand WHY you are struggling. Make sure you communicate WHY things bother you in a way they can hear you.
Be vulnerable, not aggressive. For example, “Because we have talked about the dishes tons of times, I don’t feel heard or respected when dishes continue to not get put in the dishwasher. I don’t feel cared for, close to you, or that my opinion is important when this happens.”
Communicating in this deeper way can help your partner know your struggles. This prevents you from coming across as a nag and having blow up conflicts. Be careful to not use the word “YOU” very often, which will invite defensiveness. Use “I feel____” in order to help them truly understand what the surface issues are triggering inside you.
If it seems like there is something that is blocking the connection from happening, you might need to sit down with a qualified marriage therapist to help you sort through things.
Relationships are most fulfilling when you feel connected. Get started on some of these tips and you will be on the road to a stronger and deeper connection!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
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Do you have a constant conversation in your head? Do you ever slow down to listen to it?
Funny concept, huh? But in reality most people are so used to the chatter in their head, that they have no clue how much they are listening to it and reacting to it.
For example, if Jane is talking to her husband and he seems distracted and uninterested. Jane might say this in her head… “Seriously? Does he even care? All I want is to get him to connect with me and he isn’t even listening. He is so annoyed by me. I wonder if he even loves me anymore.” Then when he asks her something later, Jane might react with a cold, negative tone because she thinks that he thinks all of the things she just said in her mind are true.
Did you catch the confusion? “She thinks that he thinks….” Mind reading is dangerous and can lead to miscommunication and a lot of hurt feelings that are rooted in assumptions- not truth.
So be careful when the chatter starts down a mind reading path. You might end up with heart ache from listening to the voices. Instead tell the voices to quiet down and talk to the other person about how you feel and what you need from them. Clearing up assumptions is always a better path!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Codependency, Communication, marriage, Stress | No Comments »
I…ME…MINE… Such narcissistic words aren’t they?
The world revolves around Me. My time line. What I want. My goals and dreams.
It is hard to be in a relationship with someone who has a mindset filled with those words. This kind of person mostly looks out for their own best interest. They can seem selfish and lack empathy for a partner. It might feel like their partner isn’t even a partner because they don’t get much of a say so.
A healthy relationship mindset is not as much I, Me, and Mine, but it’s more YOU, US, WE, and OURS.
Being in a healthy relationship means you have to get out of your own world and think about the best interest of the relationship- not just yourself. It’s not ALL about you!
Healthy connected relationships require some self-sacrifice and compromise.
Do you think like a narcissist in your relationship? I challenge you to shift your thinking to You, Us, We and Ours for one day and see the difference it could make. Your partner might do a double take!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in marriage, Marriage Counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
I recently read a blog on generis.com that struck me as I learned a good lesson about greed and the dangers of holding on to something too long from baboons! Here is a segment of their blog:
“A television documentary on animal life in Africa was demonstrating how the natives of Africa have learned to find water during the dry season. A native first located a colony of baboons. Certain that the baboons were watching, the African dug a small hole in a dirt embankment. He then placed a handful of fruit inside.
Baboons, it seems, are incurably curious, so as soon as the native returned into the jungle, one baboon quickly approached the hole. Seeing the fruit inside, the baboon stuck his hand into the hole and grasped the tasty morsel. The African hunter had skillfully carved the hole just large enough to allow the animal’s hand to enter but, when clasped around the fruit, the hand could not be withdrawn.
The native then returned from the concealment of the forest with a small rope in his hands. Amazingly, as the man approached, the baboon shrieked in terror but refused to release the fruit and run for its life. I found myself moving to the edge of my chair as this drama unfolded. I expected the animal to bolt and run for its life but, incredulously, the native casually strolled up to the panic-stricken animal, laid the noose over the animal’s neck, and pulled him away.
The animal was then tied to a tree, given salt, and held captive for a couple of days without water. As soon as it was released, the baboon made a beeline for its secret waterhole. The native simply followed the thirst-driven animal and found the water he would never have found without the animal’s unwitting assistance.” (See source below)
Do you relate to the baboon? Do you find yourself holding on to things so tightly that you put yourself in harms way because you are scared to let go?
Sometimes in life we have to let go and lean into change in order to protect and save ourselves. Remember you can’t control anything but yourself. Learn from the baboon’s mistakes and start letting go of dangerous things in your life!
Source: http://generis.com/blog/2012/05/21/what-a-baboon-taught-me-about-greed/
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Fear, Goals | No Comments »
Are you a “Wisher”? Do you dream big dreams and sit around “hoping” they will come true?
What do you do with those wishes and dreams? Do you make adjustments in your life to create a way for them to happen? Or do you hope a genie in a lamp will poof them into your life?
It is foolish to just “hope so” and not make change. You have to DO SO if things are going to be different!
In a Proverbs 31 devotional, Lysa Terkeurst said, “The space between my reality and my expectations will only change if I do.” This is so true…I have to change if my reality is going to change.
Are you willing to make change? Maybe it’s too scary? Maybe you don’t know where to start so you just don’t.
I encourage you to start small and take one step at a time towards your goals and dreams. Having all or nothing thinking will get you in trouble and end in self-sabotage.
If you want things to change…the change has to start with you. Take steps on a journey of change today!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Depression, Healthy Living | No Comments »
I came across a quote by Renee Swope that hit the nail on the head about emotional hurts:
“Any time we bury a hurt alive, it will keep rising up from the dead to disturb us.”
Isn’t this true? How many times do we think we have gotten over a wound by ignoring it? Nature has a crazy way of healing itself doesn’t it?
Our wounds will haunt us if we do not process the pain, forgive the offender, and learn the lesson/ take away from the wound.
This process is painful and often times scary for most people. But if we ignore the pain of a hurt, it will keep coming back over and over until the pain is healed.
Healing is a difficult process. It means facing issues and often more pain before relief comes. But the freedom of being able to heal and forgive is amazing. Healing and forgiveness does not mean that you are okay with the offense or the offender. It also doesn’t mean that you have to continue putting yourself in harms way to be re-wounded by the same person.
Healing is about you and for you to experience freedom from the wound instead of it being a strong hold in your life.
If you need help getting rid of the “ghosts” of your past, contact one of our therapists. We will guide you down the path of healing and put the wound to rest!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Renee Swope
Posted in Abuse, Affairs, Family Issues, Healthy Living | No Comments »
This past weekend, my husband had a lot of work to do for this upcoming week. We both knew going into it that he would need time to get it all done. Our expectations were set going into the weekend.
One of our chores on the weekend is working together to clean the house. We both have our regular routines of who cleans what and work together to make it happen. Sometimes the kids chip in too!
So with this busy weekend for my husband, I knew I would be cleaning the house solo.
As I was finishing up the cleaning, I said, “It sure is different doing in all by myself. Cleaning is much easier with my teammate.”
He responded quite profoundly, “Isn’t that how our lives are.”
He’s very right. Life and marriage are much easier as a team. To have healthy connections in relationships, it is vital to have a team partnership. Working together and being on the SAME TEAM will make a huge difference in your marriage.
If you need some “team coaching” today, reach out to one of our therapists. We love teaching couples about the importance of partnership!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Communication, marriage, Marriage Counseling | No Comments »
I always laugh when I hear someone make up their own lyrics to a song. I’m not the only one… there’s even been game shows about it to entertain people!
As I was listening to my son add in his own lyrics to a song the other day, it hit me….there has been a miscommunication.
The songwriter creates a song with a message…the listener comes up with what they “think” they hear and keeps on singing it with a potentially very different message. The whole point of the song could be totally missed if the listener doesn’t catch the right words.
Does this ever happen to you in life and relationships? Do you hear people’s messages wrong and completely miss the point?
Miscommunications are common, but can turn into a spiral quickly if you aren’t careful. One of the quickest ways to avoid a miscommunication is to ask a clarifying question…”So are you saying____?” It is also helpful to summarize what someone says “I hear you saying_____”.
These basic communication skills can avoid a lot of unnecessary conflict. Make sure you are hearing the “right lyrics and messages” around you. There will be a time that miscommunication won’t be something to laugh about.
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, i
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Can you really see life differently after a loss?
Loss can be excruciating. All comes crashing down. You loose your norm. Your way of life. Everything changes. After a loss…you start to feel lost.
Everyone experiences loss. It is a reality in life. But some don’t use loss as an opportunity to shift. I do. Had I not lost in my life, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Out of losses in my life, three of the most painful are the losses of 3 babies from miscarriages. I lost the opportunity to hold them, to parent them, to show them my love. I lost security. I lost my plan. Each time I felt lost.
I sought answers. I needed rational explanations. I spun in the pain as I needed firm ground to walk on. Yet even as I found my footing, I felt lost.
The world looks different after a loss. You aren’t sure what to trust. You don’t know who to be. How do I exist with my pain? How do I walk each step?
My loss does not define me, but it undeniably is a part of me. Now I have a choice. I can live in misery and be haunted by my losses, or I can shift and befriend my loss.
I honor my loss by feeling it’s pain as needed. I love my unborn babies through each tear shed. I do not push away my loss. I do not deny it. It is in me. I befriend my tears as examples of my love for them. My thoughts go from “Pull it together Teri” to “Let it flow and love them.”
Once I do…I don’t feel so lost. It’s as if my tears shed the fear. The pain seeps out of me in the form of tears and now I can walk. I can exist. I can be.
I know it is hard to go on after loss. I encourage you to cry your tears and feel the loss. If you need help after a loss, reach out for help to navigate through. You are not alone and you will not feel lost forever.
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Grief Issues, Miscarriage and infertility | No Comments »
Have you heard someone say they suffer from abandonment issues? Most people think about adoption or being left on a door step as a child, but abandonment issues can be caused by many more life experiences.
Author Susan Anderson says, “Everyday there are people who feel as if life itself has left them on a doorstep or thrown them away. Abandonment is about loss of love itself, that crucial loss of connectedness. It often involves breakup, betrayal, aloneness. People struggling with abandonment issues include those going through the ending of a relationship as well as searching adoptees, recently widowed, and those suffering the woundedness of earlier disconnections.”
I explain abandonment to my clients as a 3-pronged fear that has proven itself true in their lives. The first is the fear of loss- any loss. This could be your dog dying, parents divorcing, chronic moving, or your favorite teacher leaving half way through the year on maternity leave. Reoccurring loss in younger ages will strengthen a person’s fear that it has and will happen again.
The second prong is the fear of rejection. This can be from family, friends, not making a team, boyfriends/ girlfriends, or any place you are searching for belonging. If and when these things happen, it can cause deep wounds that make you sensitive to any type of rejection and take it personally.
The third prong is the fear of physical and/ or emotional abandonment. The physical abandonment can be divorce, death, adoption, and literal abandoning. The emotional abandonment has to do with emotional needs not being met and a lack of attachment.
When these fears are validated a person may exhibit abandonment issues. Here are several traits I have seen my clients show when “under the influence of abandonment”:
- Fears and has a hard time being alone
- Loneliness can be a very difficult and uneasy feeling
- Have trouble trusting others
- Might ask 20 questions in order to uncover a suspicion
- Have moved in an out of relationships without much time in between or has a deep longing to always be in a relationship
- Jumps to conclusions and worst case scenarios and believes them as truth
- Has a sense of urgency to deal with something “right now” even if the timing is horrible
- Fears and avoids rejection
- Has trouble being left out
- Any kind of loss is hard for them
- They tend to be jealous- not just of their loved one being with someone else, but also of their time.
There are many more examples to cover! Just keep in mind that healing is possible from these issues. It takes a lot of hard work, but you can be free from its power over your life!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Abandonment, Susan Anderson
Posted in Depression, Fear, Marriage Counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
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