IHCG – Teri Claassen's Blog
Imagine Hope Counselor
 |
Can you really see life differently after a loss?
Loss can be excruciating. All comes crashing down. You loose your norm. Your way of life. Everything changes. After a loss…you start to feel lost.
Everyone experiences loss. It is a reality in life. But some don’t use loss as an opportunity to shift. I do. Had I not lost in my life, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Out of losses in my life, three of the most painful are the losses of 3 babies from miscarriages. I lost the opportunity to hold them, to parent them, to show them my love. I lost security. I lost my plan. Each time I felt lost.
I sought answers. I needed rational explanations. I spun in the pain as I needed firm ground to walk on. Yet even as I found my footing, I felt lost.
The world looks different after a loss. You aren’t sure what to trust. You don’t know who to be. How do I exist with my pain? How do I walk each step?
My loss does not define me, but it undeniably is a part of me. Now I have a choice. I can live in misery and be haunted by my losses, or I can shift and befriend my loss.
I honor my loss by feeling it’s pain as needed. I love my unborn babies through each tear shed. I do not push away my loss. I do not deny it. It is in me. I befriend my tears as examples of my love for them. My thoughts go from “Pull it together Teri” to “Let it flow and love them.”
Once I do…I don’t feel so lost. It’s as if my tears shed the fear. The pain seeps out of me in the form of tears and now I can walk. I can exist. I can be.
I know it is hard to go on after loss. I encourage you to cry your tears and feel the loss. If you need help after a loss, reach out for help to navigate through. You are not alone and you will not feel lost forever.
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Grief Issues, Miscarriage and infertility | No Comments »
I love decorating my Christmas tree. Pulling out all the special memories takes me back in an instant just from an ornament. All the ornaments given or made with love are connected to some parts of our lives.
This year as we were having this fun-filled moment as a family, I was overwhelmed with emotions. A few ornaments triggered grieving and I couldn’t hold it back.
It reminded me of how much our emotions can be on the surface without us even realizing it. We can be going along having a great time and….wham- it hits us out of no where.
I didn’t stuff my emotion or try to avoid it. I cried my tears, got love from my family, took a deep breath, and went on with our afternoon. I know not everyone can do that each time a wave of emotion hits. But if at all possible, it is healthier to feel through the emotion instead of holding onto it. It only grows into ugly poisonous emotions each time we hold it in.
Don’t be surprised by unexpected emotion. Triggers are everywhere. Don’t avoid them. Just feel them…it will feel better in the long run!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Grief Issues | No Comments »
Tiny things can trigger BIG memories. Sounds, smells, and sights can bring a strong nostalgia which almost feels like you are re-living the memory all over again. This can be true of positive and traumatic memories.
While teaching my son to ride his bike, he took a tumble trying to go over a bump. Even though he didn’t have a scratch on him, he was scared of going over the bump later in our walk. He was panicked the closer we got and said, “No mommy! I’m scared!” After helping coach him though it, he proudly said, “Mommy, I did it!” Weeks later, he is still nervous about that bump and re-lives his fall every time he sees it.
This has been true for me even as an adult. At age 6, I fell from my bike and ended up with 6 stitches in my knee. Still to this day when I hear the sound of bike tires on gravel, I feel chills down my spine and remember the fear and pain from all those years ago.
Whether you are brought to tears from smelling something that reminds you of your late grandmother’s cooking, or you hear a song that transports you back in time, remember that these memories are part of your life’s journey. Sometimes we try to push aside the painful realities we’ve experienced, but I encourage you to let them be remembered as a part of your life that helped make you who you are. Good and bad they are all part of your personal story. Embrace them and heal through the pain they may bring up.
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Fear, triggering events, triggers
Posted in Grief Issues | 2 Comments »
Have you heard someone say they suffer from abandonment issues? Most people think about adoption or being left on a door step as a child, but abandonment issues can be caused by many more life experiences.
Author Susan Anderson says, “Everyday there are people who feel as if life itself has left them on a doorstep or thrown them away. Abandonment is about loss of love itself, that crucial loss of connectedness. It often involves breakup, betrayal, aloneness. People struggling with abandonment issues include those going through the ending of a relationship as well as searching adoptees, recently widowed, and those suffering the woundedness of earlier disconnections.”
I explain abandonment to my clients as a 3-pronged fear that has proven itself true in their lives. The first is the fear of loss- any loss. This could be your dog dying, parents divorcing, chronic moving, or your favorite teacher leaving half way through the year on maternity leave. Reoccurring loss in younger ages will strengthen a person’s fear that it has and will happen again.
The second prong is the fear of rejection. This can be from family, friends, boyfriends/ girlfriends, or any place you are searching for belonging. If and when these things happen, it can cause deep wounds that make you sensitive to any type of rejection and take it personally.
The third prong is the fear of physical and/ or emotional abandonment. The physical abandonment can be divorce, death, adoption, and literal abandoning. The emotional abandonment has to do with emotional needs not being met and a lack of attachment.
When these fears are validated a person may exhibit abandonment issues. Here are several traits I have seen my clients show when “under the influence of abandonment”:
- Fears and has a hard time being alone
- Loneliness can be a very difficult and uneasy feeling
- Have trouble trusting others
- Might ask 20 questions in order to uncover a suspicion
- Have moved in an out of relationships without much time in between or has a deep longing to always be in a relationship
- Jumps to conclusions and worst case scenarios and believes them as truth
- Has a sense of urgency to deal with something “right now” even if the timing is horrible
- Fears and avoids rejection
- Has trouble being left out
- Any kind of loss is hard for them
- They tend to be jealous- not just of their loved one being with someone else, but also of their time.
There are many more examples to cover! Just keep in mind that healing is possible from these issues. It takes a lot of hard work, but you can be free from its power over your life!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Abandonment issues, fear of abandonment
Posted in Depression, Grief Issues, Infidelity, Relationships | 2 Comments »
In the last 7 months both of my grandparents have passed away. That generation in my family is now completely gone. Ira was 92 and Marcile was 90. My grandpa died 1 month prior to their 70th wedding anniversary! What an accomplishment! As I watched both of them go downhill rather quickly that past year and a half, I think about all the things they accomplished in life and what I’ll miss.
My grandpa was a warrior and had a near death experience in WWII when he survived his ship being torpedoed. Had he not tread water for 45 minutes in the English Channel on a cold December day before being rescued, I wouldn’t be here. I’ll miss not hearing his amazing stories of history that I didn’t appreciate as much as I should of as a child.
My grandmother should have written a cookbook. I have never tasted pie so good and her gravy was incredible. She always brought spark to a conversation with her opinions and was in her element in the kitchen.
Life and family gatherings will be different without Ira and Marcile around. I won’t hear him call her “Dearie” as he falls asleep sitting up, and I won’t hear her complain about him sleeping.
Grief and loss is an interesting experience. Through the many losses I’ve experienced in my life and through all my education, I’ve learned that it is a sad but true part of being human. As I grieve the changes in our family, I will treasure the memories and memorialize them by sharing their stories. I will be sad when needed and grateful for the moments we shared.
Rest in peace Ira and Marcile. Thank you for touching our lives.
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Grief Issues | No Comments »
Did you know that starfish can re-grow an arm if it has been severed? It can take years for the complete healing process to happen. But it is possible for a starfish to be totally healed and for there to be no evidence that any damage was done.
Many people walk into my office with old wounds. They carry pain and burdens around through life that drag them down and cause issues in their present life. Many do not consciously see the connection of the past wounds to the present issues, but I help them connect the dots. We don’t just have reactions, fears, or anger out of no where. It is rooted in us from experiences we have had.
One of the key things I help teach my clients is that you do not have to be “cursed” by your past, but you do need to understand it’s power. If we ignore it and pretend it doesn’t have an impact on us, then we are denying part of ourselves. Several of my clients are scared and intimidated by the healing of old wounds. It is almost as if they have befriended their pain- even though it is a negative thing in their lives. The key is to get “through” the emotion to the other side of it in order to be free from it.
We can all have hope as we look at the starfish and see that even if it takes a long time to go through the healing- we CAN be healed. We just have to empower ourselves over the past to weaken it’s hold on our present lives. Don’t allow your past to determine your future happiness. You have a choice to heal!
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Healing, healing old wounds
Posted in Depression, Divorce, Grief Issues, Healthy Living, Infidelity | No Comments »
I have always loved May. Not only is it a beautiful month weather wise, but I also have looked forward to several family celebrations, school ending, and of course Mother’s day! But May the past four years has meant something a little different to me. I have two not so happy anniversaries. Two out of the last four May’s I found out I was expecting babies that ended in miscarriages in July. The grieving and pain still ache even though time has pasted and I have 2 children who are alive and well. Although I have so much to celebrate and love about this month, I still feel the gray cloud of sadness with these losses. I know that my babies are safe and being taken care of in loving arms and I will hold them one day, yet that reassurance doesn’t stop my heart’s ache. So May begins the “funk”, it carries into July, and February 4th (the due date of BOTH babies I lost) will always linger as a day of memorial and grieving for my 11 week old babies.
Do you ever notice yourself to be in a funk and don’t know why? Have you looked at the date? The time of year? Are you experiencing a not so happy anniversary, and not paying attention? This is a very important part to look at if you can’t put your finger on why you are feeling down. For me being aware of my grieving in these times, helps me cope better. It helps me be prepared to process my sadness and memorialize my loss. I also give myself permission for the sadness. It is a sad and painful experience to go through, so I will continue to allow it to be and not numb my pain. I will move through the feelings and step forward on my life’s journey.
My challenge for you is to be aware of triggers. Ask yourself “Why?” you are feeling a certain way. You might realize it’s a not so happy anniversary.
Tags: miscarriage, triggers
Posted in Depression, Grief Issues, Stress | No Comments »
One of my brothers has MS. I have watched his roller coaster journey over the past 10+ years and feel deeply sad with him. We had lunch the other day and he said, “My boys don’t remember me running. They never will.” Ugh. As a young girl I remember his determination in sports and him even joking about how he wanted a certain haircut to help him run faster aerodynamically. Now his body is weaker. He’s grieving the life he once had and his family is changing. His life is changing. Tears run down my face as I sit in the reality of my brother’s illness, I grieve with him.
One amazing thing he said at lunch is, “Not that I’m glad I have MS, but it has forced me to slow down. Be a better dad. Look at life though a different lens.” Wow! He is living one of my favorite quotes, “In the adversity we dread facing, we find life of which we have always dreamed” by Jennifer Rothschild. What an inspiration!
Sometimes life doesn’t always end up the way we planned and hoped it would. Many times we are radically changed by things out of our control. In the end we can choose whether we become victims to it or we use it to better ourselves. Grieving is a vital part to this process. Today as you look at the adversity in your life, how will you respond to it…as a curse or an opportunity?
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: adversity, grieving, illness, MS
Posted in Depression, Grief Issues, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Stress, Uncategorized | No Comments »
I have heard and said the phrase many times…. “Practice makes perfect.” Wait a minute here- think about it. Perfect is impossible! But this saying tells us to, “Just keep trying. If you practice long and hard enough you will get there.” It is amazing the lies we will believe without even realizing it! This is such a slippery slope. If we believe in our head that we can achieve perfection….we have already failed!
Many couples come into my office seeking the “perfect” relationship. They watch movies and tv and see what relationships “could” be like. Unfortunately in those situations they are usually only showing us the romanticized version of relationships rather than reality. Relationships are hard. They take a lot of work and practice. But the will NEVER be perfect. Having a dream or expectation that they will be is only going to leave you disappointed. Oftentimes it is important to grieve the impossible expectations and re-create attainable ones for your relationship. Doing this can lessen criticism and nagging in your communication.
Remember the next time you start to say this phrase… Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice takes you closer to a goal!
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Boundaries, Depression, Grief Issues, Healthy Living, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Stress | No Comments »
In Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Eat, Pray, Love” she discusses the pain she feels from a love she lost who she believes was her soul mate. Her friend responds to her with,
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake…Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump…lickin’ at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it” (p. 150).
Good advice friend! That is a great description of a soul mate. Although painful, it is a healthy way to see what purpose pain can have in our lives. We can let our pain keep us stuck and be like a “hungry dog”, or we can choose to forgive and grow from our pain. The choice is yours! Have you allowed your “soul mate” to change your life?
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Depression, Divorce, Grief Issues, Infidelity, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Uncategorized | No Comments »
|
|
Imagine Hope BlogosphereBlogs by Imagine Hope Counselors
|
Teri Claassen's Blog
View Teri's Blog
Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
|
|
Natalie Chandler's Blog
View Natalie's Blog
Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
|
|
Joleen Watson's Blog
View Joleen's Blog
Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
|
|
Tamara Wilhelm's Blog
View Tamara's Blog
Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
|
|