IHCG – Teri Claassen's Blog
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Do you have a constant conversation in your head? Do you ever slow down to listen to it?
Funny concept, huh? But in reality most people are so used to the chatter in their head, that they have no clue how much they are listening to it and reacting to it.
For example, if Jane is talking to her husband and he seems distracted and uninterested. Jane might say this in her head… “Seriously? Does he even care? All I want is to get him to connect with me and he isn’t even listening. He is so annoyed by me. I wonder if he even loves me anymore.” Then when he asks her something later, Jane might react with a cold, negative tone because she thinks that he thinks all of the things she just said in her mind are true.
Did you catch the confusion? “She thinks that he thinks….” Mind reading is dangerous and can lead to miscommunication and a lot of hurt feelings that are rooted in assumptions- not truth.
So be careful when the chatter starts down a mind reading path. You might end up with heart ache from listening to the voices. Instead tell the voices to quiet down and talk to the other person about how you feel and what you need from them. Clearing up assumptions is always a better path!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Codependency, Communication, marriage, Stress | No Comments »
This past weekend, my husband had a lot of work to do for this upcoming week. We both knew going into it that he would need time to get it all done. Our expectations were set going into the weekend.
One of our chores on the weekend is working together to clean the house. We both have our regular routines of who cleans what and work together to make it happen. Sometimes the kids chip in too!
So with this busy weekend for my husband, I knew I would be cleaning the house solo.
As I was finishing up the cleaning, I said, “It sure is different doing in all by myself. Cleaning is much easier with my teammate.”
He responded quite profoundly, “Isn’t that how our lives are.”
He’s very right. Life and marriage are much easier as a team. To have healthy connections in relationships, it is vital to have a team partnership. Working together and being on the SAME TEAM will make a huge difference in your marriage.
If you need some “team coaching” today, reach out to one of our therapists. We love teaching couples about the importance of partnership!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Communication, marriage, Marriage Counseling | No Comments »
Ever been caught in the midst of tunnel vision? All you can focus on is the thing in front of you. Everything else around you gets blurry. The noises are drowned out as if you can’t hear them.
Sounds like it might be a good thing when working on a project or at work huh? But think about the DANGER OF TUNNEL VISION when you are in a relationship.
Ever had your spouse lost in a show on TV, on their phone, or computer? If so, you know that tunnel vision if not a good thing!
People who operate in tunnel vision mode have trouble with multitasking and communication. Their partner might get easily resentful and feel lonely in the relationship. It is common for them to feel ignored and as if their partner cares more about what they are focused on than them.
For those of you who are tunnel vision thinkers, I invited you to step back and SEE what is going on around you. You might be hurting others unintentionally. I know you might not realize or be aware of this, but that is the problem. Step out of your shoes and into your partners. They need you to have a wider focus that includes them.
For the spouses who struggle with a tunnel visioned spouse, it is time to practice a voice. Share with your spouse how you feel and what you need. Try to watch your tone and not nag. Your presentation can make a big difference on whether or not they hear you. Try to affirm that your spouse’s strength in being able to focus so much on things, but let them know that it can be hard for you and invite them to connect with you.
Breaking this cycle can be hard, especially if the person needs tunnel vision in their job. They might need time and reminders to turn it off when they are with the family. Be patient and practice DAILY! You don’t want to wait until it is a huge issue in a relationship to fix this “potential relationship killer.” At that point it could be too late!
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Addiction, Communication, marriage, Marriage Counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
Having healthy boundaries is vital to any relationship, especially in a marriage. Boundaries teach others how to treat us and how to be with us. Boundaries also give information about the emotional needs we have.
When people don’t have boundaries, they will tend to feel taken advantage of and feel misunderstood in their relationship. They struggle using their voice with their partner to speak their needs. Instead they say, “Yes” to most everything and grumble as they sweep frustrations under the rug.
Boundaries also protect your relationship. When boundaries aren’t spoken or kept, there is pain and usually conflict. Setting appropriate boundaries for your marriage is an act of love for each other as you guard against relationship killers.
Here are some tips and questions to ask yourself when figuring out what your boundaries are in your marriage:
- Communication Boundaries- How often do you want/ need to talk to each other? How is it ok and not ok for your partner to talk to you? Communication draws you closer to each other, so figuring out what your partner prefers and needs is important. Do you need eye contact when you talk to each other? What about tone- is that important for you to set limits around? Think through specific things that aren’t okay with you with communication. What about yelling? Criticism? Having deeper conversations? Having the TV on when trying to talk? Saying please and thank you?
- Physical and Sexual Boundaries- What are the sexual expectations and limits? What do you like and dislike? Does something make you uncomfortable? What about affection boundaries? Saying nothing in this area can cause you to be very misunderstood. Make sure you let your mate know where your limits are so both of you can get your needs met.
- Financial Boundaries- Do you spend or save? How about debt? Do you have a budget? These are big relationship killers when boundaries are not set. Make sure you sit down and sort through what each other needs and expects.
- Family Boundaries- How involved is each other’s family in your lives? What roles do they play? How much is it okay for your spouse to tell their family? Not talking about these boundaries could cause some sticky situations.
- Fidelity Boundaries- This isn’t just about not sleeping with and being physical with another person, it is also about the emotional boundaries to have with someone of the opposite sex. How much do you share? What about flirting? Are you ever alone with someone of the opposite sex? If so, what are the expectations? Emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical ones. Make sure you protect your marriage by talking about these boundaries.
- Housekeeping Boundaries- Who does what around the house? When does it get done? What methods are important in getting them done? These boundaries can keep conflict low when communicated well.
- Conflict Boundaries- Do you fight fair? How about limits on how far someone goes when they are angry. Is it okay to go to bed angry? When is the best time to bring up a big issue? Setting boundaries here can protect both of you from saying things that will hurt more than the original complaint.
- Time Boundaries- What is the rule when someone is running late? How about expectations about what your partner is doing with their time? How much one on one time do you need from your partner?
Remember that boundaries aren’t about controlling your partner and forcing them to do everything you want them to do. They are about helping your partner know you and teaching them how you need to be loved.
Your partner may have some boundaries that conflict with yours, so you will have to negotiate and see if there is a possibility to compromise. If not, it might be good to understand more about WHY your partner has a certain boundary in place to help you know the importance of it.
I hope these boundary questions and ideas cause you to think about limits in your relationships. Remember to talk these areas over with your spouse to know where each other’s stands. Doing this will help you both move forward to a healthier marriage!
* Originally posted as one of Teri’s guest blogs on marriageadvice.com
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, marriage, Relationships | No Comments »
I meet weekly with my coworkers to discuss office business, to staff cases, and a little bit of catching up on each others personal lives. This time is important for all of us to touch base and stay connected in the midst of managing our busy practices.
Do you do this regularly in your relationship?
The busyness of life can get away from people and cause them to loose connection. You might even find yourself rationalizing why you aren’t sharing as much with your spouse because you feel they don’t understand you or what is going on with you and they have missed too much.
This is a DANGEROUS slippery slope that can end in major issues in the relationship, even a break up and divorce.
Jim Burns from HomeWord Center for Youth and Family (a faith based organization) suggests you do a weekly check in meeting as a couple and follow his outline below:
“1. Review your recent quiet-times and devotional life.
2. Share your greatest joy of the week.
3. Share your greatest struggle of the week.
4. Share an affirmation of your spouse.
5. Share a wish or a hope for yourself or your family.
6. Share physical goals for yourself.
7. Pray Together.”
Regardless if you practice a faith or not, I think Jim’s outline for a weekly meeting is a good start. Notice that 5 out of the 7 points starts with the word “SHARE”. If you want to get closer to your partner and feel an intimate connection again, start with sharing what’s going on with you at least weekly. This step in prevention will reap positive benefits!
* Source: Jim Burns from Homeword http://www.homeword.com/outline-weekly-meeting-couples-ta-a-1006.html?rmmf=MjE3OSw1MzY2ODQsMA==
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Communication, Faith-Based Living, marriage, Marriage Counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
This phrase has come out of my mouth many times…Why? Because bad behavior produces bad behavior. But why do people respond this way?
It is hard for people to calm their reactivity when they feel wronged. Revenge is typically the natural response.
It goes back as far as childhood…”But he hit me first”. Which ends with both kids in trouble because they both made bad choices!
Do you do this in your relationships? Do you “hit back” in order to seek justice? But does your wrong make their wrong better or make you feel better? NO! Now your bad choice becomes the focus and can be added to the fight.
I know it takes a lot of self control and awareness to control your reactions, but I encourage you to slow down your responses. It only complicates things when you have a flurry of bad choices flying around all at once. This leads to a nasty blame game!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, marriage, Marriage Counseling, Parenting | 1 Comment »
There are several times a week I say the words, “I know it may seem hard to believe, but if you just try this, things will start to get a little bit better.”
There are many words of advice that I give people who doubt that the outcome can bring better results. Some clients have trouble trusting and resist. Fear of failure, the unknown, and getting uncomfortable constantly get in people’s way when in the recovery process.
My husband had knee surgery last year. During his recovery, his therapist had to help him trust that his knee was strong again. He had been unable to use his leg for such a long time that he had to retrain his brain’s ability to trust that his leg was healed after surgery.
This was a huge turning point in his healing. Once he got through his fear that it would hurt, get re-injured, or that he would fall if he put pressure on it, he became confident again in using his leg.
Do you need to re-train your brain’s ability to trust in the recovery process? Are you holding back from doing what you know you should do because of fear? If so, it is time to start realizing that what you have believed was okay to do is what got you to where you are now. Maybe it is time to stretch yourself and trust. It could open a whole new world of possibilities for you!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Addiction, Affairs, Codependency, Communication, Depression, Fear, Goals, Infidelity, marriage, Parenting, Perfectionism, Relationships, Substance Abuse | No Comments »
Do you have a constant conversation in your head? Do you ever slow down to listen it?
Funny concept, huh? But in reality most people are so used to the chatter in their head, that they have no clue how much they are listening to it and reacting to it.
For example, if Jane is talking to her husband and he seems distracted and uninterested. Jane might say this in her head… “Seriously? Does he even care? All I want is to get him to connect with me and he isn’t even listening. He is so annoyed by me. I wonder if he even loves me anymore.” Then when he asks her something later, Jane might react with a cold, negative tone because she thinks that he thinks all of the things she just said in her mind are true.
Did you catch the confusion? “She thinks that he thinks….” Mind reading is dangerous and can lead to miscommunication and a lot of hurt feelings that are rooted in assumptions- not truth.
So be careful when the chatter starts down a mind reading path. You might end up with heart ache from listening to the voices. Instead tell the voices to quiet down and talk to the other person about how you feel and what you need from them. Clearing up assumptions is always a better path!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Codependency, Communication, Relationships | No Comments »
So many people start therapy with the idea that they are going to “fix” their spouse. They are often surprised by the idea when I tell them ” The quickest way to change your spouse is to change yourself.
What? How can you change your spouse by changing yourself?
Most couples have a “dance” they follow. Sometimes they are following the others “lead”, which ends in a destructive pattern. Other times the dance ends with a positive connection.
The way you can change your spouse is by changing up the “dance”. If you want it to be a connection dance, then lead the way by not nagging, giving positive affirmations, and showing some genuine affection. Most times your spouse will start to reciprocate and follow your lead.
Don’t be disheartened if it does take a while though. Sometimes people have trouble trusting the change in the dance and have to “learn” some new steps. Doing some therapy might help figure out if there are any unresolved issues that keep your partner on the side lines not dancing.
Remember you only control you. Do everything YOU can do with consistency and enjoy your dance!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Communication, Family Issues, marriage, Marriage Counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
I’m so proud of my 2 year old’s ability to persevere by doing a difficult puzzle. I watch her try so hard with each piece and celebrate her victory when she completes it with a joyful hand clap and smile.
The other day she finished a puzzle and carefully picked it up to bring it upstairs to show me her accomplishment. As she was walking up the stairs, something happened to cause the puzzle to crumble. She burst into tears.
As I ran to the stairs, I was confused about what caused her to go from so much joy to such sadness.
She explained to me what happened through many cries and deep breaths. My initial internal adult reaction was “It’s not a big deal. We can put it back together,” but I quickly moved into my empathy mode. In the eyes of a two-year old little girl, it was a huge deal. She had worked so hard, and her creation was literally broken in pieces.
As parents I know it is tempting to dismiss our child’s reactions because adults can see the bigger picture and think logically. Kids haven’t developed those skills yet. So if you dismiss their reactions, you might accidentally be teaching them to stop feeling. This could end with a child who shuts down all emotion inside or one who is an extreme feeler who over magnifies their reactions to get you to notice them.
Try using statements like “I know” instead of “It’s okay”. Saying “I know” can help reassure them that they aren’t crazy for being upset. Saying “Its okay” can cause them to second guess their feelings because in their reality it is NOT okay!
Modeling empathy with your kids can result in huge benefits in their futures. It can prevent bullying, develop an emotionally intelligent child, and give them people skills that will lead to healthy relationships. Be an empathetic parent today- you won’t regret the positive outcome you get!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Empathy
Posted in Communication, Parenting | No Comments »
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