IHCG – Teri Claassen's Blog
Imagine Hope Counselor
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Have you ever put your foot in your mouth? This can be an embarrassing and sometimes hurtful result of not slowing down to think before you speak.
There have been numerous times in my life I have found myself in this situation.
One thing I love about my job is the long-term relationships I establish with clients. It is common after doing intensive work for a time period with a client to have them contact me a year or two later for a “tune up” to work through an issue.
In these situations, out of habit, I have often said things like, “It’s so good to hear from you”, “How are you?”, or “It’s great to see you”.
When I really think about the situation, I remind myself that they are in my office because things are not good, and they probably wish they didn’t have to be in a position to come see me! Oops! It’s time to think before you speak Teri!
I encourage you to slow down and be intentional about the messages you send. This shows empathy for other’s feelings, and a genuine care and concern that someone “hears” the message you are trying to communicate.
Be careful! Not slowing down could end up in a hurtful miscommunication!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Communication
Posted in Relationships | 2 Comments »
Having a toddler, I tend to say these words often. Think about the power of a time out. It gives everyone the chance to “cool off” and take a breather. It helps us slow down and think about our behavior and what needs to be different. Many people are surprised when I tell them to call a time out in conversations as adults. Sometimes things are going down a rough path and need to be redirected fast. A time out can do that! Here is how it works:
If things are getting too tense and you notice you are not getting anywhere, literally say the words “Time Out”. Whoever says the words needs to also set the time limit for how long the time out will last (15 minutes, until tomorrow night, after the kids go to bed, etc.). It is NOT an option to not set a time limit. Once a time out is called, the conversation HAS to stop. Walk away. Catch your breath and think. Use the time out to help you get back on track, not as a way to let things stew and build up. Once the time limit is up, it is important for the person who called the time out to initiate conversation again. Then you can sort through the issue and move on. Remember the rules of a time out for adults are a way to fight fair in your relationship. If you work on this skill, it will help issues get resloved instead of getting swept under the rug. For more tips on fighting fair read my article at : http://www.imaginehopecounseling.com/fullarticles.php?ID=35
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Communication, fighting fair, Relationships
Posted in Boundaries, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Speak your needs…Speak your needs….SPEAK YOUR NEEDS. My clients hear me say this all the time! I know we all wish that the fairy tale were true… you know the one where you think, “If they loved me enough they would just know” or “I shouldn’t have to tell them- we’ve been together for so long now.” I hate to be the bubble buster- but that doesn’t work too well in healthy relationships. If you expect your partner to read your mind, you are setting them up to fail and yourself up for disappointment. Don’t leave it up to chance for your partner to guess wrong. Wouldn’t it be much easier to just be real and honest with them instead of waste energy and emotion on a silly game?
Now if you speak your needs and they ignore you or get it wrong, then you have grounds for a discussion. You might have to elaborate or be more detailed. Don’t just say, “I wish you were more romantic.” Tell them what you find to be romantic. A few clients have challenged me on this one… they say “Teri, if I give them a detailed play by play of what I want and they do it- then I think they are doing it just because I told them to. Not because they want to.” I can see their point, but look at the bigger picture… They HEARD you. This is a good thing. If they didn’t care, they would have done nothing at all. So any effort need to be looked at as a positive. You asked them to do something and they responded. If your attitude is negative, then they can’t win. They did what you asked, but that’s not even good enough because they didn’t come up with it on their own. It is all about teaching your partner what you need.
My advice is… Be consistent, teach and be teachable, and speak your needs.
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Communication, Needs
Posted in Codependency, Divorce, Infidelity, Marriage Counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
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