I didn’t think anything about it until 3 people who came in after me got their drinks and left. I thought they could have gotten theirs first since they ordered cold drinks and I ordered a hot one. Then 2 more people came and went. Then 2 more. Still no drink!

A different barista noticed I was waiting, inqires, but still I wait.

Now, I’m a person who uses her voice. I let people know how I feel especially when I feel offended. I’ll let you know straightforwardly by my words, and by my tone. I was about to say “Are you not making my drink on purpose?!” I wanted to call this guy out. But then I remembered reading Chapter 4 in Lysa TerKeurst’s Unglued book. I stopped. I kept my mouth shut.

Chapter 4 of Unglued , goes over the types of “unglued” reactions we can all have. I am an exploder. Lysa explains that you don’t have to yell to be an exploder. It’s just about having reactions towards people in the moment that get all your nasty feelings out. However, when I do this, I feel horrible afterwards. I may not feel bad until and hour or a day later, but I end up shaming myself and feeling regretful.

I realized this standing at that counter in the coffee shop. I knew “If you say this, you’re going to keep spewing, and you’re gonna regret this as soon as you get 2 miles down the road”. I felt compelled to stop, and as Lysa points out in her book, “Conviction unlocks the greatest potential for change”.

Instead, I stood there with integrity as I waited for my drink. Even more people were served before I was, but I kept my cool. I smiled (well, I tried) as I got my drink, and before I walked out, I was handed a free drink coupon from the manager for my inconvenience.

When I got in my car, I was proud I kept it all together. I was angry, but I was proud I didn’t do anything I would soon be regretting, nor do anything that would disrespect another person. I prayed for that Barista, hoping that he’d have a better day than the way it seemed to be going. It’s hard to be mad at someone that you’re simultaneously praying for.

If you find yourself being an exploder too, or a stuffer who silently explodes later, read Lysa’s book. You’ll be so happy you did!

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.

Visit http://www.marriageadvice.com/2012/change-your-perspective/ to read the article. I hope you enjoy!

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.

Cliff was a 61 year old man who entered into Australia’s 500+ mile marathon race from Sydney to Melbourne. He showed up in overalls and workboots, whereas most of the competitors showed up in running attire. When told there was no way he could finish or even run the race, Cliff explained he was a farmer and when storms would come, he would have to corral the sheep because they didn’t have any tractors on the farm. Since the farm was over 2,000 acres, he would at times have to run multiple times over the 2,000 acres over 2-3 days to herd the sheep.

He was pretty confident he could run this race! At the start, Cliff was at the back of the pack. The race took place over 5 days, and the runners would rest at night. However, Cliff wasn’t aware of the resting part and kept going! He didn’t stop the whole 5 days & won the race. At the finish, he wasn’t aware there was a $10,000 reward and gave it to the other winners.

How many obstacles were in this man’s way? No one had faith in him. He saw he wasn’t as fast as the other runners. He was exhausted. But he kept going. He knew what he was capable of doing. In the face of opposition, he knew he could do it.

It goes to show us that comparing ourselves to other people won’t work! We know what we’re capable of, and even if we’re not as efficient at something as someone else, that doesn’t mean we can’t still achieve our goals.

Other people may be negative in our lives – it doesn’t mean they’re correct. It means they have an opinion, that’s all.

We get tired. Cliff Young showed that we need to go slow, at our OWN pace, and we will finish. Sometimes we’ll even finish first.

Truthfully, we could learn a lot about how to treat our significant others by how we treat our pets.

What if we talked to our loved ones the way we talked to our dogs?

Sure, it might be funny at first to walk in the door after work and hear our spouse say, (insert doggie voice) “Hey there! How was your day? You get a lot accomplished? How are you feeling? You want to sit down and talk? I missed you….yes I did. I sure did miss you!”

Ok, it would be awkward at first. However, it is more refreshing than greeting each other with negativity about the day and “What’s for dinner?”

Try to make the first 60 seconds of your initial interaction with a loved one positive. Any requests or constructive complaints can come after this amount of time.

What if we touched each other as much as we touched our pets?

Petting our dog or cat is how we show love to them. We rub their bellies or grab their favorite toy to play.

Relationships need physical touch as well. I don’t mean just sex either. Hugs, hand-holding, and cuddling serve a purpose as well.

Imagine what would happen if you sat on the couch and cuddled more. Or went to bed at the same time and had pillow talk?

Do you “walk” your marriage just as you would your pet? Going out on dates, setting aside time in the evenings for conversation, or having a weekly check-in with each other can exercise your relationship and keep it healthy.

What if we forgave each other as we do our pets?

Pets have accidents in the house. Pets tear up our nice things. Pets make mistakes.

We still love them.

We talk to them in those silly voices. We let them sleep in our beds and snuggle up close.

Loved ones hurt our feelings. Significant others anger us. Spouses forget requests we’ve asked of them.

How do we respond? We give silent treatments. We lecture. We criticize & hold grudges. We sleep in separate bedrooms or on the couch.

What do we need to remember?

It’s not personal. Our pets do not have accidents in the house on purpose, neither do our loved ones intentionally set out to hurt or harm us.

We’re allowed to make mistakes. Extending grace in relationships is a very healing quality. Mistakes will happen. Period.

Practice the Golden Rule. Here’s a question I ask myself, “Would I want to be married to me right now?” That helps me determine what behavior I need to change and keep.

Do you love your spouse unconditionally as you love your pet?

*Post originally written for SimpleMarriage

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.

I don’t play golf. I don’t enjoy golf. I’ll watch football, baseball and basketball all day long. But golf? Ugh. I can find better things to do with 4 hours of my precious time.

However, a couple of times a year, I end up on a golf course. And it’s the best time in the world. Really.

You see, it’s such a passion of my husbands, that there are times when he wants to share that passion with me. When he asks, “Do you want to go golfing with me today?”, I know this is a great opportunity to spend some quality time with him. He doesn’t ask often because he knows I don’t enjoy golf. But I go because I know he wants me there and it’s one his love languages. So, I’ll ride along in the golfcart, make fun of his swing (ha!) and hunt for that little white ball like it’s an Easter egg.

Don’t get me wrong, we have lots of things we generally do together, but sometimes couples need to “cross-over” and do things you wouldn’t normally do with your spouse. Doing things your significant other likes to do shows you’re invested in them. It also shows you’re not just interested in or only care about the things you personally enjoy.

And, if my husband were to write a similar blog it would say, “Sometimes You Have to Sit in the Theatre Chair”.

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.

We had a few of her friends and each of us kids get up and say kind words about her. I wanted her to know how much she was loved, how much she meant to everyone there, and how much she was valued. My focus was making my mom feel great. What I didn’t expect is the effect it would have on those who attended the party.

After we were all done boo-whooing from the small speeches given, a man approached me. He shared how he sang at funerals and listens to all the nice things being said about the dead person in the casket. He wonders if the people speaking ever had the chance to tell that person, who is now dead, how they felt while they were alive? He then proceeded to say, “What you’ve done for your mom this evening is just that. You kids were able to let her know exactly how you and other people love her and appreciate her while she’s alive. You don’t know what a great gift that is.” He then shared how he will approach his loved ones differently and share how he feels with them while he has the chance.

Wow. I thought I was throwing a birthday party and I got a whole lot more! But it’s true. It’s so important to share how we feel about people while they’re alive because we’re never guaranteed a “later” time. I know this is a message that so many people share, but it’s shared because it’s true.

If there’s something you need to say to someone, or someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time, I encourage you to give them a call. Or maybe it’s someone you see everyday or every week that you need to pause and let them know how much you appreciate and value them. Either way, I challenge you to do it. It’s amazing what it can create, and the momentum it can spark.

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.

My Own Little World by Matthew West
In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I’ve never gone hungry or always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket shoes on my feet
In my own little world
Population me
I try to stay awake through the Sunday morning church
I throw a twenty in the plate but I never give ’til it hurts
and I turn off the news when I don’t like what I see
it’s easy to do when it’s
population me
What if there’s a bigger picture
what if I’m missing out
What if there’s a greater purpose
I could be living right now
outside my own little world
Stopped at the red light, looked out my window
Outside the car, saw a sign, said “Help this homeless widow”
Just above this sign was the face of a human
I thought to myself, “God, what have I been doing?”
So I rolled down my window and I looked her in the eye
Oh how many times have I just passed her by
I gave her some money then I drove on through
in my own little world there’s
Population two
What if there’s a bigger picture
what if I’m missing out
What if there’s a greater purpose
I could be living right now
outside my own little world
Start breaking my heart for what breaks Yours
give me open hands and open doors
put Your light in my eyes and let me see
that my own little world is not about me.

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.

One of the first memories that came to mind as I listened to Dr. Cloud speak was my honeymoon. My husband loves water and loves to swim and snorkel. I, on the other hand, feel safest on the beach, on a towel, observing the water. I had promised my husband I’d grab some snorkeling gear and look around with him, but I just couldn’t do it.

It just so happened towards the end of our honeymoon week that some friends were going to be coming onto the same island we were vacationing on, and we were going to meet up. I decided to try snorkeling again, and with my friend by my side, I was able to do it. She went at my pace, talked me through it, and was there with me the whole time. I never felt alone, and I was so appreciative of her patience. If it hadn’t been for my “monkey”, I would have never gotten in that water!

I’m grateful & blessed that I have many different “monkeys” in my life. Who are the “monkeys” in yours? If you struggle to answer this question, then I encourage you to start developing a stronger connection with someone who is already in your life so that they can become a great friend. All it takes to start is asking, ”How are you really doing today?”  Life is more joyous when we can share it with others.

Thank you for reading!

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.

He was told by several people, “You’ve missed your chance, it’s too late”. Here’s the thing I’ve come to know, love, and be cautious about with my husband: If you throw an obstacle in his way, he’ll still keep charging.

After a trip to the local hardware store, he finds out that it’s not too late, he can pick up with a mid-season treatment. And he did just that this weekend. Guess what? NO WEEDS!

Can you wait too long to start working on yourself?

Often times I hear clients say, “We should have done this years ago, we waited too long to save our marriage” or even ask, “Can I truly become a healthy person after all this time?”. Yes! I don’t ever believe it’s too late for anyone. If you are open to work and willing to change, I believe anything can happen.

What weeds are in your life?

What are the dandelions and crabgrass in your life? Is it being critical or bitter? An addiction? An affair? Depression or Anxiety?  Maybe it’s grief or job dissatisfaction. Whatever your “weed” is, we all have them.  Are you ready to start treating your yard (life/marriage)?

How do you start?

Just as my husband became frustrated with the way our yard looked, so do you have to become fed up with the weeds in your life or marriage. You have to be “sick & tired” of being “sick” and “tired”.

Next, you have to ask for help. Just as we headed to the hardware store for answers, so do you have to look for help. Maybe that’s a therapist, minister, friend, nutritionist or job coach. If you find non-encouraging people, stay strong! Don’t let that stop you. Trust your gut, don’t listen to the negative feedback.

Then, you have to do the work. You have to do the manual labor. It’s not a one-time thing either. Treating the yard may have been done this past weekend, but it’s something my husband will have to stay adamant about. Same applies to life. Getting help will require consistent work. But, you’ll have a beautiful “yard” at the end of it!

Whether your weeds are just sprouting or have been around for several years, there is hope. Good luck to each of you in your various yard work!

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.

Knowing this first week in March is coming starts for me in the middle of February. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, dread that “the day” is coming. Every time I write the date I know this week is getting closer and closer. I get more tearful, emotionally fragile and I miss my dad.

Now, 8 years later, I know I’m going to be ok when this week hits. But, for the 1-Year anniversary of his death? I was a mess! I took the day off work, didn’t get out of my pajamas and allowed myself to cry and grieve. I needed to get past that “first”, and then all would be better.

Anyone who has lost a loved one, or who has lost a sense of security in a significant relationship knows what I’m talking about. Feeling a sense of grief & loss around the anniversary of when you experienced the initial loss is natural and expected. The intensity will decrease as the years pass. Will you still feel sad and tearful? Yes, you’re human. Will you still be ok? Yes.

Remember that loss can come in different packages. It doesn’t have to be death. It can be finding out about a spouses infedelity, a parent’s divorce, a miscarriage, loss of a pet, anything. Give yourself some grace and time to work through it. 

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.