Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
As therapists, we are always helping people set and meet goals to improve their lives. One thing Imagine Hope prides themselves on is that we are walking our own journeys. That being said each of us has worked on goal setting in our own lives and are walking the walk too. This week we are sharing examples of goals we’ve set and how we achieved them. We hope each of you can relate and even feel inspired to reach your own goals as you read our stories!
Teri’s story
Since I was a young girl, I have struggled with bad eating habits. I’ve lost and gained weight more times than I can count. I have done most of the diets out there and even had some of my friends in college joke about me being like Oprah! I’ve spent thousands of dollars on special food, workout equipment, a personal trainer, and various sizes of clothing as I have “yo-yo’d” with my weight. After I had my first child, I decided it was time to take things seriously and stop looking for a quick fix. I had to do the hard work of diet and exercise. As long as I remember, I’ve always made excuses about why I could never be a runner. But it was time I taught myself how to do it. One day I made up my mind and I started running. After a few weeks I was running a few MILES! I couldn’t believe I was able to do it. I got in the best shape of my life and I was a runner! Then I had my second child…half way through that pregnancy I decided I wanted to run a 5K to help motivate me to get all of my baby weight off. Three weeks after I had my second child, I started training and 9 weeks later I ran my first 5K! It felt great. Even though it was a challenge and took a lot of time, it took me dedicating myself to this goal and not allowing any of my old habits to control my life as they had before. I surrounded myself with an encouraging support system and believed in myself. I finally had to choose the hard road to get the results I wanted and it worked! Meeting this goal helped me develop confidence in my abilities and stretched me out of my comfort zone to a place I never imagined I’d be. As I look forward to the nice spring weather this year, I can’t wait to get back out there and run again! Maybe I have a mini-marathon in my future!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Goals
Posted in Therapy, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Teri, Tammy, and Natalie have all shared some great tips so far to fighting fair. Here are a few more to add to your “marital toolbox”:
16. Remember that fights aren’t always personal. Many times the issue at hand is linked to some deep rooted unresolved issues. Try to empathize with your partner as they are trying to heal from a painful past.
17. Always consider compromise as an option. It is also ok to agree to disagree about certain issues.
18. Have a teamwork approach– and be on the same team! If you look at problem solving from a team perspective, the issue will be resolved much quicker and easier. Ask yourself what are you willing to do to solve the problem.
19. Forgive each other and yourself. Remember that no one is perfect. Having expectations for your partner to be perfect will only result in disappointment and pain for you. Each person has contributed to this problem in their own way. Make sure you own your part of it and learn what you need to do differently next time.
20. Remember that you won’t tackle all the giant issues in one sitting. Allow yourself time to process the issue before committing to a solution. Moving over an issue too quickly tends to breed resentment and rug sweeping.
If you need more tips for fighting fair, or if you are still struggling with unhealthy conflict in your relationship, feel free to give one of our relationship experts a call!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in Family Issues, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, Marriage, Relationships, boundaries, communication, marriage counseling | No Comments »
Are you starting to understand that conflict is normal? It is how you handle it that is important! Have you tried any of the tips so far? Here are 5 more to help:
11. Remember this isn’t a competition. Having a win/lose mentality will only hurt your relationship and break down the connection and intimacy you have with your partner. This mind set actually creates two losers, not just one. There is no room for comments like, “I told you so” in fair fighting.
12. Focus on your feelings not the other person’s actions. Use “I” statements as much as possible. When feelings can be the focus of the discussion, you are able to avoid the he said/she said cycle. No one can argue with your feelings. Also be open to your partner’s feelings during the discussion. Never tell someone how they should feel or that the way they feel is wrong. You completely invalidate their perspective when you do this. Your partner’s feelings are part of their reality. How someone feels should not be argued about. Be careful with this one though. Make sure you discuss actual feelings- not just thoughts or opinions. For example, saying “I feel like you are being critical of me” is not a feeling. Saying it like this often leads to your partner getting defensive. Instead, say something like “I feel attacked”. Just because you use the words “I feel” doesn’t mean it is an actual feeling.
13. Strive to be heard when you are communicating. Practicing active listening skills can lead to better understanding of what your partner is trying to communicate. It is good to repeat what you hear your partner saying once they are done to ensure the message has been heard correctly. Everyone wants to be heard and feel that what they have to say is important and valuable.
14. Never assume what your parner is thinking or feeling. It is good to ask them first before believeing your assumption as truth. It is also important to not predict what your partner will say or do in a situation before it happens. This could cause you to enter the discussion ready to fight and defend yourself, which may cause unnecessary reactivity in your partner.
15. Try to look at the issue from your partner’s perspective. Doing so does not mean you give up your stance or agree with them, but just be open minded to other ways of thinking. Being stubborn and controlling could create a stand off or resentment which will get you no where.
Tomorrow Joleen will be sharing 5 more tips. We hope this is helpful and would love any comments or feedback from you.
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Tags: anger management, fair fighting
Posted in Marriage, Relationships, communication, marriage counseling | 1 Comment »
As Teri mentioned, fighting can be healthy, as long as it’s done in a respectful way. Conflict can be one of the ways you and another person grow closer. It’s natural for people to disappoint us in our lives, but how we handle it is key. Continue to follow these fair fighting steps this week, and you’ll find yourself more successful at tackling difficult conversations.
6. No absolute thinking. Words like “Always, never, every time, all the time, etc.” are off limits. Using one of these phrases will result in your partner trying to remember any evidence they can think of to combat your statement. This distracts them from listening to the rest of your concern.
7. Speak your needs. Tell your partner what you need from them in the moment. If you need help problem solving, just venting, needing support or empathy, it is important for your partner to be informed of your expectations. They can’t read your mind.
8. No one-upping. this is when one person introduces a gripe, and your partner responds with “Yeah, but you did ____ last week and I didn’t say anything.” Doing this minimizes your partners concern and tells them that you are only worried about making yourself look better rather than owning your faults. If your partner has a legitimate gripe to bring up, gently request that you discuss the initial concern first, and that you will visit their issue once the first one is resolved.
9. Time outs are ok. Sometimes we just need a break from the heat of a discussion. Give yourselves permission to call a time out. the key to this is setting a time limit and making a commitment to come back to it. It is important to respect a time out once it is called. Following your partner into the bedroom yelling at them is not respecting their time out. Time outs are not avoiding or running away from the issue if you make a deal to come back to it at a specific time (i.e. after dinner, when I get back from the store, etc.).
10. No manipulative cheap shots (i.e. “You don’t love me”, “You must not care about me”, “You are just like your mother”, etc.)
The more you practice these when in a heated discussion, the more successful at it you’ll become. Maybe you want to identify 1 or 2 of these to start off with and work on them wholeheartedly. Remember, the goal is progress, not perfection. Stay tuned for the next 10 Guidelines!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: anger management, fair fighting
Posted in Family Issues, Marriage, Relationships, Therapy, boundaries, communication, marriage counseling, stress | No Comments »
All relationships have conflict at some point. Many couples try to avoid it mostly because they don’t know how to make fighting work “for” their relationship. Conflict can be a good thing if done correctly. It allows each person to be honest with themselves and their partner about their opinions and desires. This week Imagine Hope wants you to see what changes you can make to help your fights be more fair.
- Respect is a must. No name calling, personal attacks, interrupting, or sarcasm, etc. Disrespect will only cause your partner to be disrespectful back. If you find yourself going down this path, apologize immediately.
- Stay on topic. If you skip from one issue to the next, you are likely to not resolve the initial issue.
- Ask yourself this question throughout the discussion, “Is what I’m about to say going to help this situation?” If the answer is “no”- Don’t say it!
- Don’t sweep issues under the rug. Issues should be brought up at the earliest moment, preferably daily if possible. Otherwise it may build up over time and eventually explode. It is much easier to tackle an issue before it grows into resentment.
- Try not to overload your partner with too many grievances at one time. This can be overwhelming and shaming. Your partner may become hopeless about your relationship’s ability to survive. Be specific with your concerns. You may need to think through what is going on with you and get clarity as to why you are really upset.
Keeping checking in this week as we show you all 20 tips for fighting fair!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Fighting Fair
Posted in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized, communication, stress | No Comments »
This week Imagine Hope is practicing self-care by taking a blogging break. This leaves you, (our faithful, fearless reader), with an extra 10-15 minutes in your day! What can you do with this time? Here are some suggestions:
- get some extra sleep
- read
- clean out your pantry
- do some deep breathing
- call someone you love or haven’t talked to in a while
- friend us on Facebook
- follow us on Twitter
- plan out your meals for the week
- iron
- pray
- spend quality time with your spouse/loved one or friend/family member
- and the list goes on and on……
Catch back up with us next week after we’re well rested and ready to blog again!!!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: self-care
Posted in Lighten up, Uncategorized, boundaries, stress | No Comments »
As Teri, Tammy, and Natalie have discussed, our boundaries define the limits we need to set in our lives to protect what is most important to us. Learning healthy boundaries is such an important part of being a healthy person. One aspect of boundaries is sexual boundaries.
Sexual boundaries include boundaries about your sexuality, body, who touches you intimately (or how they touch you), comments that are sexual in nature, what your level of comfortability is with sexual behaviors, and how comfortable you feel touching others. Sometimes we tend to think of sexual boundary violations as simply being coerced into sexual behaviors against our will. While this is one aspect of a sexual boundary being violated, other examples include: someone making sexual innuendos or comments that feel inappropriate, uncomfortable, or disrespectful; sexual glances or having someone look at you in a sexual way that feels uncomfortable; being sexualized or objectified in the workplace or by a friend or stranger; having a working relationship with a professional (doctor, therapist, or health care professional) who uses the intimate nature of the professional relationship to lure a client into a sexual relationship (one of the worst sexual boundary violations because you are vulnerable, and have trust in the professional who should be adhering to professional ethics and standards); having a romantic partner grab your breasts or genitals when they know it makes you uncomfortable and have asked them to stop; having a sexual partner coerce you into sexual acts that you feel uncomfortable with; or receiving sexual emails, text messages or phone calls that are inappropriate and suggestive sexually. These are only a few of the many ways our boundaries can be violated sexually.
If you find your sexual boundaries being violated, it is important that you learn ways to set healthy boundaries with the person or people who are inappropriate. If you find yourself being told repeatedly how you are inappropriate with others boundaries, it is also important that you learn healthier boundaries. Find a professional therapist who is trustworthy and has good boundaries themselves, to help you work through boundary setting. Remember that if you feel uncomfortable with something, or if you are being pushed past your limits, your boundaries are probably being violated! Learning how to protect yourself is key to being an emotionally healthy person.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in Codependency, Relationships, boundaries, communication | No Comments »
Teri and Tamara have done an excellent job describing what boundaries are and explaining what physical, emotional, and intellectual boundaries are. If you haven’t read their blogs from Monday and Tuesday, please do so. Today I want to discuss spiritual boundaries.
Spiritual Boundaries are how we protect and share our spiritual beliefs. This can be confusing to some people as they ask, “How do I protect a spiritual belief?”. Protecting your spiritual beliefs can be simply deciding who you talk to about your beliefs and spiritual practices how you allow others to interact with you regarding your/their beliefs.
We all know people who feel the best way to get people to believe the way they believe is by being aggressive, judgmental, and often manipulative. These people have poor spiritual boundaries. They do not respect others spiritual boundaries. If we do not have good spiritual boundaries ourselves, it can be easy to engage with this person and get into an argument that we aren’t going to win, or even being persuaded or manipulated into their belief system that may not be best for you. To have good spiritual boundaries you won’t need to be manipulated into a belief. You will learn more about it and decide this is something important to you.
Another example of poor spiritual boundaries is when children grow into adults and feel they have to believe the way their parents believed. Not because it is what they feel is true, but because they want their parents to approve. Or if they know their parents will withdraw love from them if they don’t believe that way. These are poor spiritual boundaries.
Everyone has the right to choose their beliefs. I want to be clear that I am not saying you shouldn’t share your beliefs with others. I am saying it is your choice who you share your beliefs with and it is important how you do it. Oftentimes it can be appropriate to share our beliefs with someone and even at times they may choose to believe the same as you believe because you shared. However, we need to do this in a respectful and kind manner. We also need to be kind and respectful when we listen to others beliefs as well. This is practicing good spiritual boundaries.
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Posted in Faith Based Living, Spirituality, boundaries | No Comments »
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Imagine Hope BlogosphereBlogs by Imagine Hope Counselors
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Teri Claassen's Blog
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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Natalie Chandler's Blog
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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Joleen Watson's Blog
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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Tamara Wilhelm's Blog
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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