Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
This week before Mother’s Day we are examining what characteristics make a healthy mother. Most moms want to do their best to raise happy well- adjusted children. We are often blamed for the troubles of our children by the media, psychological theories (thanks Freud) and most of all, other mothers. The best way to inoculate our families from the harmful effects of the universe is attunement. No I am not talking about barber shop style acapella singing groups (thank goodness), but really connecting with, or being in tune with your child. Attunement is being aware of, and responding to your child. This is not an easy task. Mothers are famous for being pulled in a myriad of different directions, so staying attuned with your child takes planning and effort.
Keep your eye on the prize: Attunement
Understand that you will be distracted immediately. During pregnancy, mothers are immediately attacked by other mothers with “well meaning” questions like, “you eat gluten while gestating?”, or or “ breast or bottle?” or “stay at home or return to work?” or “will you deliver naturally, silently, in the woods and plant the placenta as fertilizer, or in a cold hard hospital bed with an epidural that will make your baby thinks it’s a rhinoceros for the first five years of its life?” It seems that you have to choose a side or all will be lost. It seems impossible that you can trust yourself and your child to become attuned to be able to decide these big decisions for yourself! Some of the star performers in the judgey child rearing world make Texas cheerleading tryouts look welcoming. These mothers have a sort of gravitational pull, like a black hole, and they will suck your intelligent confident self into the abyss never to be seen or heard from again. They will try to make you question your every move from choice of prenatal vitamins to your relationship with your grandchildren. The mommy wars are fought long and hard, but they are not winnable wars. A healthy mom knows her prize is not the admiration of other moms, but a happy well-adjusted child. Avoiding the mommy war is the only way to win it.
When you are attuned with your child, you will not need other mothers to tell you what is right for your child. You will know by communicating with your child through eye contact, conversation, gentle touch, quality time and simply being engaged. This is where you recognize facial expressions and gestures and respond to the needs of the child. That is, as long, as you put down the other distractions. Yes, that means your smart phone, portable e reader, lap top or other form of cocaine for the mind that we drift toward when we have five seconds of free time. You child knows when she is talking to you and your reply is “uh huh, uh huh, mmmmmm, just one second…” that you are not really attuned with them. They know because they perfected the move. Park the gadgets for dinner time, or car time, or time when you could actually have a discussion with your child instead of trolling their Facebook page to see what is going on.
When your child is young and has limited vocabulary, getting down on the floor and playing with your child creates wonderful attunement. Play along with your child (not sit by the child and read while he plays, that does not count). Ask your child about the play, ask how they want you to play, reflect what you see them doing while they play. This kind of activity allows children to know you are engaged in what they are doing and you find them interesting. Sometime children will appear to be disinterested in attunement. This is a developmentally appropriate response in tween to teenage years. It is also a ruse designed to throw you off course. The thing about tweens and teens is that they still crave your interest and attention. Now, they may not crawl up in your lap and want to cuddle anymore, but they still want to be heard, seen, and valued. Do not let these kids push you away. Stay attuned. It may be uncomfortable for you, but you are a mother. And as mothers, it is not our job to be comfortable.
Please stay tuned this week as Natalie and Christy continue to share characteristics of a healthy mother. As always, thanks for stopping by.
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: attunement, motherhood
Posted in communication, Family Issues, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Womens issues | No Comments »
The Stuffer Who Collects Retaliation Rocks
What do you do with your feelings about small (and not-so-small) situations that happen in your marriage? Do you share them with your spouse and get clarification with them? Do you let them see who you really are? Or do you keep them stuffed away (as Natalie wrote about in yesterday’s post)?
When feeling “unglued”, sometimes we will collect what is termed “Retaliation Rocks”. These are things we use as a weapon for future disagreements. For example: Your spouse doesn’t help with housework, but you don’t say anything to he/she about how this feels. You stuff the feelings away in a corner of your heart. Later on (sometimes years later), your spouse doesn’t initiate a date night and “A-HA!”… You just KNEW it! They don’t love you and don’t feel you are important (not true), so you explode on them, using one incident (or many) about just how “unimportant” you must really be to them! The problem with this is…. it’s not true! You never shared with them how you felt in the first place, but instead kept this information and all of these feelings from your spouse’s knowledge, only to bombard them with feelings later on in a deadly fashion.
Retaliation rocks are things that we keep tucked away and don’t let our spouse see about us and our feelings. These cause bitterness that we keep inside over time, where we might feel annoyed at our spouse and then later on we allow these small things to erupt each time we feel upset about something completely unrelated.
Don’t allow these rocks to sit on your soul. And don’t pull out these “rocks” in moments of retaliation towards your spouse. They will only feel confused and unsafe with you.
Do you collect “retaliation rocks”, only to use them as ammunition towards your spouse later on?
*Source: Unglued: Making Wise Choices In The Midst Of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Lysa Terkeurst, retaliation rocks, Unglued, What Kind of Unglued Am I?
Posted in anger management, Anxiety, boundaries, Codependency, communication, coping skills, Counterdependency, Individual Therapy, Intimacy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Premarital issues, Premarriage Counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
The Stuffer Who Builds Barriers
So what do you do when you have a friend who has said or did something that really hurt you? What about your spouse- do you share with them when they aren’t paying attention to you and your feelings are hurt by their actions? What if you have a parent who still criticizes you for every little detail of your life? Do you let them know it bothers you?
If you answered, “I don’t do anything or tell anyone when they hurt me or when I feel frustrated”, then you might be a stuffer.
A stuffer who builds barriers is just basically someone who does not share their feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, or frustration with the person they are in a relationship with. Additionally, they build walls up when they are around this person. Many times they don’t realize they are building the walls. But after awhile, a wall is there, the relationship has changed, or sometimes even disintegrated.
Sound familiar?
Stuffers usually not only struggle in their relationships because of the walls, but they often are angry and irritable, struggle with depression, and some people have health problems from holding so much in. Many issues can come from being a stuffer, not just walls.
If you realize you are a stuffer and see the walls you have built, it’s important to start speaking up to others. Let someone know if they have hurt you or if you feel angry. It doesn’t have to be confrontational. It can be a simple conversation like “The other day I felt hurt when you said my idea was ridiculous”. Simple. Many times this may start a conversation that can lead to greater intimacy. And isn’t that what we desire in our relationships?
Tomorrow Joleen will help us identify another way of stuffing. Don’t miss out! Thank you for reading and we hope you have a great week!
*Source: Unglued: Making Wise Choices In The Midst Of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst
Written by Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: Unglued Lysa TerKeurst
Posted in Anxiety, Codependency, communication, Family Issues, Intimacy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
The 3 most common mistakes I see couples make are the following:
1. Making a lot of assumptions about what the other partner is thinking. I see this a lot. One partner assumes what the other is thinking and reacts based on what they believe. This is dangerous because you are not necessarily reacting to what they are really feeling or thinking about, which will usually start a conflict or make one worse.
2. Showing love the way they receive love. For example, if a woman feels loved by receiving gifts, she may give her husband gifts to show him she loves him. If he feels loved by her showing him affection, the gift isn’t going to mean that much to him. Although appreciated, it may not make him feel loved.
3. There are MANY communication errors that I see from my side of the room, however, the most common communication mistake is interrupting each other thus causing you to not really hear what your partner is saying. It is hard to listen when you are thinking about what you are going to say and then saying it!
I hope you’ll join us tomorrow to hear Joleen’s 3 mistakes she sees tomorrow…stay tuned.
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Posted in communication, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
*Fighting about too many things at once - It’s hard to follow a disagreement when you’re fighting about this, that, & the kitchen sink. Stick to one topic and conquer that before dragging out another issue. You’ll feel less exhausted and less at odds with each other if you do so. It’s like cleaning house. If you save it all for one day it’s overwhelming, but if you break it down into sections, it’s much more manageable.
*Finger pointing – Each person needs to take responsibility for their part in the relationship’s/marriage’s problems. Most (not all) of the time it’s 50/50. Whether it’s how we react or what we say/do, or what we don’t say/do that contributes to the overall problem. If we blame & point fingers, then all we’re doing is attacking and not problem solving.
*Getting caught up on all the negatives – Remember that at one time you were attracted to each other and there was a reason you fell in love! A lot of times couples get too focused on keeping score of all the hurts and “who hurt who”. When this happens the positives get overlooked. If you look for the positives you will find them.
Remember that these mistakes are common, which means they happen to the best of us. Keep these in mind the next time you’re talking with your loved one and hopefully the conversation will go smoothly. Thank you for reading and check back in tomorrow for more common mistakes.
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Posted in communication, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
As therapists we see big issues in relationships start from a small mistake and grow into a bigger issue. Conquering the small issues is good prevention and protection for your relationship. This week each of us will pick out common mistakes we see couples make when working with them.
*Rug sweeping- Many couples will sweep issues under the rug instead of addressing them as a problem. People fear being a “nag” or complaining too much, but if done in the right way it can enhance your relationship. The biggest issue we see with this mistake is that couples will let their issue grow into a resentment, which leads a relationship to not feel emotionally safe.
*Expecting one hour a week in therapy to “make it all better”- Therapy is similar to going to the doctor when you are sick. It isn’t the doctor that makes you feel “better”. He just gives YOU the advice or medication for YOU to make yourself feel better. It is YOUR choice to go home and implement what the doctor told you to do. The same is true with therapy. If YOU don’t do the things your therapist suggests outside of your sessions, you are choosing to not take control of your “feeling better”.
*Not talking about work issues with your partner- Many people say, “I don’t want to take work home”. I understand the concept, but think about it; when you add up the hours in a week that we spend working compared to anything else, work is what we do most of our awake hours. So if we aren’t talking about work issues (struggles, joys, day to day happenings, etc.) then we are isolating our partner from one of the biggest parts of our life. This is a balancing act. You have to figure out what works best in your relationship, but sharing something and leaning on your partner about this area of your life in some way is important.
Read tomorrow for more common mistakes couples make!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in communication, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
Acceptance of Underlying Feelings
Many times we may have a strong emotional reactions to something that may not be that big of a deal to someone else. When this happens, it’s important to see if there are any underlying feelings underneath. This happens a lot with children and teens. They have more difficulty expressing how they really feel, especially when it might be negative towards a parent or their family members. So as they bottle up their feelings, they gather at the surface and come out in ways we may not understand. Here are some examples:
~A child who is gets angry over very small things like their pencil breaking, not having pizza for dinner, or a toy breaking. If their parents are going through a divorce or fighting a lot, they may feel very sad. They may have trouble identifying the sadness so it is coming out in anger.
~A teen may be angry when he can’t be in control of things at home. If this is out of character for him, he might be getting bullied at school. His fear may come out through anger or trying to control things.
~For adults, a wife may be upset and rage about the husband not taking the garbage out. It’s really not about the garbage, she’s upset that he is not home much and doesn’t spend time with her. She is truly hurt.
~A coworker goes off because you asked them to help with a project. This doesn’t make sense! Come to find out, they feel overwhelmed with their work load and they are angry at their boss.
Do you see a theme here? Anger is a theme. Usually when people show anger, they are hurt, afraid, or frustrated. I often ask my clients when they are angry- are you hurt, afraid or frustrated? 99% of the time, is one or all of the above. To ask yourself this question in your relationships will help you tremendously. Don’t try to “diagnosis” your relationship. But possibly look for what could be going on and ask questions to show interest and make it safe for them to share. If you can get to the underlying issue, you can really focus on the feelings and then a solution.
Tomorrow Joleen will share our last tip- it’s a good one! Stay tuned! Thank you for reading.
Source: Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager by Scott Sells, Ph.D.
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: nurturing relationships, Underlying feelings
Posted in communication, Family Issues, Relationships | No Comments »
A New Approach to Criticism
Most of us have that one family member, coworker, or aquaitance that just cannot help but say negative comments. We usually avoid that person like the plague! One of the most common challenges I see to relationships is how people express concerns or displeasure without being critical. I have never met anyone, especially teens, who do not shy away from criticism. It can cause communication to immediately shut down.
As parents and partners and friends, we still need to express ourselves and communicate. We cannot avoid conflict, but we can learn to express our needs and feelings without judgement or attack. So how can you have a difficult conversation without sounding critical?
- Focus your conversation so that it solves problems instead of laying blame. Placing blame is usually completely unproductive and usually irrelevant to the topic at hand. It is pointless to blame yourself or the other person in your relationship for the behavior at hand. Focus on the desired behavior and how you can both get to the place you want to be.
- Discuss the behavior and not the other person’s character. Its easy to go to name calling or judgements when addressing your concerns. Its easy to call your husband lazy if he walks right past the laundry basket you set out for him to take upstairs. Its easy to say your child is inconsiderate when they waste all the food you cooked for them from scratch. Its easy, but harmful and will not solve them problem nor invite the person to participate in solutions. Who wants to work with someone who thinks bad things about them? Focus on the behavior. Set up reminders or tell the person what behavior you want without attacking their character.
- Pick your battles. You do not have to accept every battle you are invited to. If you have children, you are invited to a lot of battles! You can simply ignore behavior or statements unless they go against your personal or family values.
- Limit your speeches. Unless you are getting paid to give a speech, avoid it. Most of our friends and collegues and all of our children are not interested in our long winded speeches. The longer you talk at the other person, no matter how well intentioned, the more likely you are going to sound critical and judgy.
- Be a good role model. Gandhi famously said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. The same thing apples to relationship communication. Show your friend, coworker, lover, and child how you want them to behave and communicate by providing shining examples with your own behavior. We cannot expect the other person to speak calmly if we yell. We cannot expect respect if we do not show it. We cannot expect hard work if we do not give our full effort too.
Enjoy the changes in your relationships you will see as you continue to nurture them. Be sure to check out more tips this week from Natalie and Joleen. As always, thanks for stopping by!
*Source: Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager by Scott Sells, Ph.D.
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling.
Tags: Criticism, Dr. Scott Sells, Parenting your out of control teenager
Posted in communication, Emotional needs, Family Issues, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Relationships | No Comments »
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Teri Claassen's Blog
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