Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
The Stuffer Who Collects Retaliation Rocks
What do you do with your feelings about small (and not-so-small) situations that happen in your marriage? Do you share them with your spouse and get clarification with them? Do you let them see who you really are? Or do you keep them stuffed away (as Natalie wrote about in yesterday’s post)?
When feeling “unglued”, sometimes we will collect what is termed “Retaliation Rocks”. These are things we use as a weapon for future disagreements. For example: Your spouse doesn’t help with housework, but you don’t say anything to he/she about how this feels. You stuff the feelings away in a corner of your heart. Later on (sometimes years later), your spouse doesn’t initiate a date night and “A-HA!”… You just KNEW it! They don’t love you and don’t feel you are important (not true), so you explode on them, using one incident (or many) about just how “unimportant” you must really be to them! The problem with this is…. it’s not true! You never shared with them how you felt in the first place, but instead kept this information and all of these feelings from your spouse’s knowledge, only to bombard them with feelings later on in a deadly fashion.
Retaliation rocks are things that we keep tucked away and don’t let our spouse see about us and our feelings. These cause bitterness that we keep inside over time, where we might feel annoyed at our spouse and then later on we allow these small things to erupt each time we feel upset about something completely unrelated.
Don’t allow these rocks to sit on your soul. And don’t pull out these “rocks” in moments of retaliation towards your spouse. They will only feel confused and unsafe with you.
Do you collect “retaliation rocks”, only to use them as ammunition towards your spouse later on?
*Source: Unglued: Making Wise Choices In The Midst Of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Lysa Terkeurst, retaliation rocks, Unglued, What Kind of Unglued Am I?
Posted in anger management, Anxiety, boundaries, Codependency, communication, coping skills, Counterdependency, Individual Therapy, Intimacy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Premarital issues, Premarriage Counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
The Stuffer Who Builds Barriers
So what do you do when you have a friend who has said or did something that really hurt you? What about your spouse- do you share with them when they aren’t paying attention to you and your feelings are hurt by their actions? What if you have a parent who still criticizes you for every little detail of your life? Do you let them know it bothers you?
If you answered, “I don’t do anything or tell anyone when they hurt me or when I feel frustrated”, then you might be a stuffer.
A stuffer who builds barriers is just basically someone who does not share their feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, or frustration with the person they are in a relationship with. Additionally, they build walls up when they are around this person. Many times they don’t realize they are building the walls. But after awhile, a wall is there, the relationship has changed, or sometimes even disintegrated.
Sound familiar?
Stuffers usually not only struggle in their relationships because of the walls, but they often are angry and irritable, struggle with depression, and some people have health problems from holding so much in. Many issues can come from being a stuffer, not just walls.
If you realize you are a stuffer and see the walls you have built, it’s important to start speaking up to others. Let someone know if they have hurt you or if you feel angry. It doesn’t have to be confrontational. It can be a simple conversation like “The other day I felt hurt when you said my idea was ridiculous”. Simple. Many times this may start a conversation that can lead to greater intimacy. And isn’t that what we desire in our relationships?
Tomorrow Joleen will help us identify another way of stuffing. Don’t miss out! Thank you for reading and we hope you have a great week!
*Source: Unglued: Making Wise Choices In The Midst Of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst
Written by Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: Unglued Lysa TerKeurst
Posted in Anxiety, Codependency, communication, Family Issues, Intimacy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
This week, Imagine Hope is discussing the Serenity Prayer and it’s meaning. So far, we have gone through serenity, courage and change. Today we will discuss wisdom.
The serenity prayer states “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.“ Sometimes, when life hands us unfortunate circumstances, we struggle with recognizing what IS and IS NOT in our power to change or control. If we are unaware of what we don’t have the power to change, trying to change those things can lead to a lot of frustration and feelings of helplessness.
Having the widsom of what we can and cannot change is a key part of feeling serenity and being at peace. When we try and change things out of our control (like other people), we definitely can’t have serenity… and it usually brings us the exact opposite of what we are hoping for! Have you ever had someone try and control or change something about you? How did you feel when that person tried to change you? How did you respond to their attempts at trying to control or change you? This usually doesn’t feel very good to be on the receiving end of. Our healthiest relationships are where we don’t try to control or change the other person, but instead, share with them how we are feeling and what we are needing, and decide for ourselves what WE can change about ourselves to make the situation better. Even then, it’s up to the other person to decide whether or not it is something they are willing to change and it’s up to us to decide what we are willing to do differently.
On the flip side, have you ever tried to change something or someone that didn’t want to change? How did it feel when you were trying to “make” them or the situation change? Usually, this feels exhausting and frustrating– and it rarely works. If the person or situation changes, it isn’t authentic– it’s coerced. The other person ends up feeling manipulated and pushed into making changes, which hardly ever results in long term change.
One of the things we ask our clients in therapy is: What are you doing or not doing that is allowing you to be in this situation? This is a powerful example of gaining wisdom into what we can and cannot change. At the end of the day, the only thing we can truly change is ourselves– whether that means changing our reactions to others, changing how much power we give them over us, changing our boundaries with others and what we allow from them, or changing our own situation somehow. Having the wisdom to know the difference means feeling empowered and taking responsibility for own lives and happiness. Do you have the wisdom to know the difference between what you have the power to change and what you can’t?
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.” -Reinhold Niebuhr
Note: The full version of the serenity prayer is shown above, though the most common use for the serenity prayer is the beginning portion, which we have highlighted in this weeks blog. For more information on the history and meaning of the serenity prayer in it’s entirety, go to www.thevoiceforlove.com/serenity-prayer.html
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in addictions, Codependency, counterdependency, Family Issues, Relationship Addiction, Relationships, Sex Addiction, Workaholism | No Comments »
Teri and Tamara have done a wonderful job explaining the Serenity Prayer and Acceptance. The next step goes a little deeper into action.
The COURAGE to CHANGE the things that I can
Let’s go backwards and start with change. When we have a problem or an emotionally distressing situation, we look at it and ask ourselves, ” I’ve accepted what I cannot change. Now what CAN I do to make this different?”
The Oxford Dictionary definition of change lists the following:
-to make or become different
-to take or use another instead of (to remove, get rid of, give up, exchange, or engage differently)
What can we do to make this situation different? Do I need to remove something in my life? Do I need to quit doing something? Do I need to give up something or someone? Could I engage differently to make the situation better? What can I do to experience more serenity? Then put an action plan into place.
Some people can identify what needs to be done. However, having the courage to do it can be quite difficult. It takes guts to make changes when it’s going to ruffle feathers, leave a destructive relationship, quit an addiction, or turn your life upside down. There is fear involved and it takes bravery. However, having the courage to actually do something about the problem will create change. Hopefully, that will create more serenity.
Sometimes it can be difficult to get courage. This is where it is beneficial to have support and encouragement from others, and ultimately, a relationship with God or a Higher Power, to ask for courage from Him.
Tomorrow Joleen will talk about the last part of the Serenity Prayer. May God grant you serenity this week.
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Tags: Serenity Prayer
Posted in addictions, Codependency | No Comments »
When I was five years old, my mother read to me The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. This book is about a little stuffed rabbit who was made of velveteen and satin. The rabbit was given to a boy for Christmas. As per usual with little children, after the newness wore off the little boy forgot about the rabbit and the rabbit had to navigate his way amongst the other toys.
The other toys made the rabbit feel like he was ordinary and not worth playing with. Some toys told him he was not made of good enough material, or he did not have modern technology. The velveteen rabbit found a friend in a skin horse who was an old toy in the nursery. The wise skin horse told the toy rabbit that the mechanical toys broke and were thrown away and would never become “real”. The skin horse explains that becoming “real” happens when a child really loves you for a long time, you become “real” The wise skin horse explains to the rabbit that becoming “real” takes a long time and does not happen for the toys that break easily, or have sharp edges. The skin horse explains that by the time you are real, most of your fur has been been loved off, and sometimes you look shabby; but these things do not matter because you are “real”.
In the story the boys loves the rabbit very much and play with him for many months until the boy catches scarlet fever. Due to infection the doctor ordered that the toys be burned or thrown away. The boy received a new stuffed bunny and our velveteen rabbit was placed in a pile to be destroyed. However, because the rabbit had been so loved by the boy, a fairy came and turned the velveteen rabbit into a real rabbit! The rabbit lived in the woods behind the home of the boy so he could watch his friend and play with other real bunnies.
The life lesson I take from this book is that when our culture or peers try to tell us we are not good enough, like the other toys in the nursery with the velveteen rabbit, we have to remember that we are worthy. The velveteen rabbit was not the most beautiful, most technologically advanced, not the most modern. But he was worthy of the boy’s love anyway. The rabbit, as inperfect as he was, became the boy’s favorite toy and became a real rabbit!
So next time you think thoughts like….
“If I had that fancy dress, people would think I’m pretty enough to be included”
“If I could just lose those 10 pounds, he would think I’m attractive”
“If I got better grades, finally mom would be proud of me”
“If I can get that raise at work, then she would think I’m rich enough to date”
…. remember the Velveteen Rabbit. You are worthy just the way you are! You have value as you were made by your creator. You have a purpose here on earth and it is not to change into someone you are not. The people who matter in your life will see you for your beautiful self as you are.
Please come back tomorrow to see what children’s book Natalie choses to share! As always, thanks for stopping by!
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling.
Tags: Margery Williams, Velveteen Rabbit, worthiness
Posted in Codependency, Faith Based Living | No Comments »
So far, we have seen 17 different signs that can tell you if you might have hidden anger. As Natalie and Tammy have shared, many of them can mimic signs of depression. In 18-23, you might also recognize these signs of hidden anger can also feel similar to anxiety.
18. Clenched jaws– especially while sleeping.
19. Facial tics, spasmodic foot movements, habitual fist clenching and similar repeated physical acts done unintentionally or unaware.
20. Grinding of teeth– especially while sleeping.
21. Chronic depression… extended periods of feeling down for no reason.
22. Chronically stiff or sore neck or shoulder muscles.
23. Stomach ulcers.
There is a lot of research out there that suggests that people with hidden resentments and anger have higher instances of physical illness and disease such as cancer and heart disease. Are you struggling with unresolved, hidden anger? It could be very beneficial for you to dive into this! Find out what it’s all about and gain peace within your heart, mind, and body today!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in anger management, Anxiety, Codependency, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
We all want to have our parnter be our biggest listener and support system when something is going wrong in life (and even when it isn’t!). But what happens when you feel as though the person who needs to be your biggest supporter isn’t doing their “job”? What if we haven’t even
ASKED them to be in this role, but we just expect it anyway, as a ‘given’?
Today’s “Love Knot” is when I tell you how I feel, you interrupt me, disagree with me, give advice, judge or dismiss my feelings… then I stop telling you and distance from you.
This is also known as “The Judge”.
What can we do with our partner when we are entangled in the “judge” love knot?
Remember that if you want them to listen to you and hear you, you have to ask them.
Remember that it’s not a gift to give advice or comments when the other person isn’t asking for them (or if they’ve told you they don’t want them).
Listen for deeper meaning in what your partner’s telling you– really listen to the information being presented without forming an automatic opinion.
Recognize that listening is truly the most important gift you can give to any relationship– it means the difference between connection and disconnection with your partner.
Source: “If You Really Loved Me…” by Lori Gordon
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: "If you really loved me..." by Dr. Lori Gordon, Love Knots
Posted in boundaries, Codependency, communication, Emotional needs, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
It is easy to fall into the trap of believing that because someone doesn’t remember something, that it is not important to them. It is even more difficult to not take it personally when it’s our partner. Think about how often people (outside of our significant relationships) don’t remember our names, our birthdays, or other things we have told them before. We tend to let those go more easily. It’s just “part of life”. But when it’s our partner- OUCH! We think it’s personal.
It’s important to offer the same grace to them that we offer to others. Here are some things that might help you do that:
1. Realize your expectations are unrealistic.
If you believe your partner should remember everything you’ve told them, you are being unrealistic. We are all torn in different directions- between work, raising families, surviving economic difficulty, and various other challenges. We are all distracted. Keep your expectations realistic.
2. Get your partners attention.
Let your partner know that what you are talking about is very important to you. Ask them if they could please put the ipad down, look at you and discuss something for a second. I have found that this saves time and arguments in the long-run. Especially if you let your partner know ahead of time that this is something you would like to work on. Let them know that you would like to start helping them be aware when you want to discuss something that you need them to remember. This will give them a heads up, rather than feeling frustrated in the moment.
3. Don’t take it personally!
Remember- if they forget something, it’s not a reflection of how they feel about you. It’s more a reflection of how much they have on their mind.
These are great reminders to us all. Please follow up tomorrow with our last “love knot” from Joleen. Thank you for reading and enjoy your week.
Source: “If you really loved me…” by Dr. Lori Gordon
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: Love Knots
Posted in Codependency, communication, Family Issues, Marriage, Relationships | No Comments »
|
|
Imagine Hope BlogosphereBlogs by Imagine Hope Counselors
|
Teri Claassen's Blog
View Teri's Blog
Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
|
|
Natalie Chandler's Blog
View Natalie's Blog
Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
|
|
Joleen Watson's Blog
View Joleen's Blog
Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
|
|
Tamara Wilhelm's Blog
View Tamara's Blog
Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
|
|
