Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
We all have needs and wants. Sometimes our needs and wants get fulfilled. Sometimes they don’t.
What keeps us from getting what we want? There are many roadblocks that can come between you and getting your needs met.
This week we are sharing some great info on things that keep us from getting our needs met and next week we will focus on how to ask for what you want.
You Don’t Know What You Want
Are you indecisive? This could be one of the reasons you have trouble getting what you want and need. You might not be able to put your finger on what to ask for, or maybe you don’t know what you really need. This type of struggle could leave you feeling like you’re wandering aimlessly, insecure, and uncared for.
You Have a Limited Perspective on What Is Possible
Some people over analyze everything before it comes out of their mouth. This can cause you to not get your needs met because you rule out the possibility of it happening before even asking for it. This struggle can cause you to feel deflated. You might want to dream big and trust that others will hear you and care enough to meet your needs, but you never allow people to do it. You sabotage your possibilities of getting what you want because you can’t envision it happening.
Check back tomorrow for more roadblocks! Thanks for reading!
Source: How to ask for what you want by Jane Herman
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: How to ask for what you want by Jane Herman Posted in communication, Emotional needs, Individual Therapy, Marriage, Relationships | No Comments »
To help the treatment from your provider work better, there are several things that you can do on your own:
Stay healthy and fit:
Do somthing active every day. Try to take walks or when cleared by your health care provider, go back to the gym or get back into your regular exercise regimin.
Eat healthy food and snacks. Try to make food choices that include balanced foods, instead of junk foods, sweets and salty foods.
Get as much rest as you can. Try to sleep when your baby sleeps.
Do not consume alcohol. This includes beer, wine coolers, hard liquor, or other types of alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant, which slows down your body and makes you feel more depressed in the long run. Alcohol will also interfere with any medications you might be taking for Postpartum depression.
Lower your stress:
Make sure to do recreational activities that you enjoyed before pregnancy and birth. Take a class, listen to your favorite music, meet friends out, or read a good book. Even when your time is very limited, it’s important to incorporate old hobbies and activities back into your life when you can.
Do not make any major life changes right after having a baby. These include job changes, re-locations or changing homes, etc. These kinds of changes can add more stress that is unnecessary. Having a baby is a big life change in itself, and it’s better to allow your life to resume with some sense of normalcy before introducing further changes.
Talk to your boss about going back to work. Discuss the possibility of working from home or working part-time when you first go back, which can lower stress and help you cope better with the postpartum depression.
Ask for and ACCEPT help:
Let others help around the house. This might include laundry, cleaning bathrooms, cooking meals, grocery shopping, running errands, or asking friends and family to help with the baby. Don’t feel like you need to do everything on your own to be a “good parent”. Don’t be afraid to tell people what you are needing.
Keep in touch with the people who are important to you in life and try not to isolate. Tell your partner, friends and family how you are feeling.
Take time for yourself. Along with old hobbies and recreational things, it’s important to have alone time whenever possible. This could be used for self-care (manicure, pedicure, haircut and style, reading or journaling, exercise, yoga, etc.) or for fun. Becoming a parent means constant demands for time and attention, and self-care is vital to having enough energy and motivation in your “tank” to be able to provide for a little one when needed.
Have you recognized any tips for postpartum depression that might apply to you or be helpful in your recovery process?
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in Healthy Living, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, Individual Therapy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Parenting, Postpartum Depression | No Comments »
In honor of Mother’s Day, Imagine Hope is blogging about several different characteristics of a healthy Mom.
5. She is involved in her child’s life– but not too involved.
Sound confusing? I think for most moms and parents, it definitely is! After all, kids don’t come with a manual!
Being involved in your child’s life is so important– attending their activities, spending quality one-on-one time, learning about what is happening in your child’s life, and truly meeting your child on their level and entering their internal world through play, etc.
When does this become too much? When your involvement is inappropriate for their developmental level, when the child is expected to meet the parent’s needs and when you begin to foster dependency needs rather than allowing your child to grow up. For example, expecting your teenager to spend more time with you than their peer group and shaming them for wanting to gain independence. Or wanting your young child to play the role of comforter to you, and to provide for your need to be needed and feel loved, when they need to begin gaining autonomy (e.g., having your child sleep with you in the marital bed, when they need to learn self-soothing).
It’s such a fine line between the two, but so important in raising healthy, well-adjusted children. Mom’s have such a special role in a child’s life. For that, we truly applaud all of the Mother’s out there! Happy Mother’s Day and thank you for reading!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: characterisics of a healthy mother, mothers, Parenting, the role of a mother Posted in Family Issues, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, Individual Therapy, Love, Parenting, Relationships | No Comments »
What are some common traits of hoarders?
There are many traits that contribute to hoarding behaviors, though just because you only share of few of these characteristics doesn’t necessarily indicate you are more or less severe of a hoarder.
Fear of Losing Information: This trait is common when an individual feels the fear of throwing information away “just in case” they might need it later. For example, unread newspapers, magazines, junk mail, etc.
Indecisiveness: Many hoarders are indecisive about things such as what to wear, what food to eat or order at a restaurant, or about certain possessions. Many hoarders will hang onto possessions that currently have no place in the home, feeling indecisive about where to put them or keeping them (again) “just in case” they need them for later. This results in a lot of clutter with unneeded items that never quite find their way into a permanent place in the home. Do you find yourself indecisive with decisions or items?
Fear of Making a Mistake
Hoarders commonly fear making mistakes about the following things: Accidentally throwing something away they might later want or need, not being able to find possessions because they have misplaced them, not having something they want or need in the future (“I can’t throw that away… what if I NEED it later?”), not finding the right or “perfect” place for an item in the home. These may lead to symptoms such as buying duplicate items without enough room for them all, leaving items out in the home because of the fear you might not be able to find something when you need it, or not throwing something away because you may later feel regret about it.
As these authors suggest: Indecisiveness + Fear of Making a Mistake = Clutter
Inability to Prioritize: When you have too much stuff in your home, it often results in feeling overwhelmed. When you feel overwhelmed, it makes it difficult to prioritize what to do first and where to start tasks. Many people report feeling paralyzed by the quantity of things and end up procrastinating.
Fear of Loss: As stated earlier, this may be an overwhelming fear of discarding an item that is viewed as “important”, in case the item might be needed later on. This doesn’t refer to things that have family value, such as a family heirloom or your wedding dress. This would be more like hanging onto junk mail, for fear that it might include a large check in it and the fear you might accidentally throw this away. Many times, hoarders end up with piles, then when you try to clean out one pile, you just end up mixing it with another pile.
Fear of Memory Loss: Hoarding behaviors are connected to the fear of losing a memory. Hoarders are afraid to trust their own memory. Objects don’t hold memories… WE hold memories. Some hoarders might have empty closets, instead, keeping objects in plain sight, cluttering up their home for fear of losing the memory that an object might hold for them.
Lack of Organization: Many hoarders have problems with categorization and end up developing piles and piles of similar objects. They often feel overwhelmed with organizing, not knowing where to begin.
Do you recognize any of these traits of hoarding? If so, we recommend talking with a professional counselor to find out what your hoarding behavior is really all about and how it is effecting your life, or taking the initial steps to working on simplifying and de-cluttering your life!
Adapted from: Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding: Why You Save and How You Can Stop, by Fugen Neziroglu, Jerome Bubrick, and Jose A. Yaryura-Tobias
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding, Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding by Fugen Neziroglu Posted in addictions, boundaries, coping skills, Family Issues, Healthy Living, hoarding, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, Individual Therapy | No Comments »
The Stuffer Who Collects Retaliation Rocks
What do you do with your feelings about small (and not-so-small) situations that happen in your marriage? Do you share them with your spouse and get clarification with them? Do you let them see who you really are? Or do you keep them stuffed away (as Natalie wrote about in yesterday’s post)?
When feeling “unglued”, sometimes we will collect what is termed “Retaliation Rocks”. These are things we use as a weapon for future disagreements. For example: Your spouse doesn’t help with housework, but you don’t say anything to he/she about how this feels. You stuff the feelings away in a corner of your heart. Later on (sometimes years later), your spouse doesn’t initiate a date night and “A-HA!”… You just KNEW it! They don’t love you and don’t feel you are important (not true), so you explode on them, using one incident (or many) about just how “unimportant” you must really be to them! The problem with this is…. it’s not true! You never shared with them how you felt in the first place, but instead kept this information and all of these feelings from your spouse’s knowledge, only to bombard them with feelings later on in a deadly fashion.
Retaliation rocks are things that we keep tucked away and don’t let our spouse see about us and our feelings. These cause bitterness that we keep inside over time, where we might feel annoyed at our spouse and then later on we allow these small things to erupt each time we feel upset about something completely unrelated.
Don’t allow these rocks to sit on your soul. And don’t pull out these “rocks” in moments of retaliation towards your spouse. They will only feel confused and unsafe with you.
Do you collect “retaliation rocks”, only to use them as ammunition towards your spouse later on?
*Source: Unglued: Making Wise Choices In The Midst Of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Lysa Terkeurst, retaliation rocks, Unglued, What Kind of Unglued Am I? Posted in anger management, Anxiety, boundaries, Codependency, communication, coping skills, Counterdependency, Individual Therapy, Intimacy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Premarital issues, Premarriage Counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
The subject of ambiguous loss is a relatively new one to me, as it relates to therapy, but is one that we frequently see with our clients (as well as in our own lives!). Pauline Boss’ book “Ambiguous Loss: Learning To Live With Unresolved Grief” is one of the most amazing books I have read so far this spring!
What is Ambiguous Loss?
Ambiguous Loss is when you have no closure with loss, or when loss is surrounded by uncertainty and ambiguity– examples of this are divorce, addictions, infidelity, dealing with an aging parent, coping with the loss of a missing child, dealing with a relationship breakup, just to name a few. Unlike death, which has finality and an ending, ambiguous loss can be traumatic in that the survivors of this type of loss still have to deal with so much uncertainty in the healing process. The two ways Boss explains this type of loss: When a person is present physically, but is psychologically or emotionally absent (e.g., divorce, relationship break up, mental illness, alzheimer’s disease)– or when a person is physically absent, but is still psychologically or emotionally present (e.g., a missing child, a soldier who is missing in action).
This book not only explains ambiguous loss, but helps the reader to recognize how this type of loss is surrounded by fluctuating feelings of hope to hopelessness, while trying to make sense and find meaning in such loss.
If you recognize an area where you might be dealing with ambiguous loss, this book is highly recommended!
For clinician’s working with Ambiguous Loss in therapy, Pauline Boss’ book “Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss” is a great reference in working with clients, as well.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Ambiguous Loss, Learning to live with unresolved grief, Loss Trauma and Resilience, Pauline Boss Posted in Abandonment, addictions, Affairs, Anxiety, coping skills, depression, Divorce, Family Issues, Grief and Loss, Individual Therapy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships, Relationships, Suicide, Therapy | No Comments »
This week, Imagine Hope is discussing the different steps towards self-forgiveness. If you haven’t read the blogs from earlier this week, we encourage you to read them in order, since it’s important to follow all of the steps.
Step 9: And now actively forgive yourself.
Say in your mind, or out loud, in writing or to others statements like:
“I forgive myself for ___________, ____________, and _____________. I have taken responsibility and done what I could to make things better”.
You can also ask your inner protector to forgive you, or actively seek out forgiveness of others out in the world (including the person you wronged).
Step 10: Repeat the steps again, if needed.
You may need to go through one or more of the steps again and again to truly forgive yourself– that is perfectly fine! Not everything works on the very first try!
Allow the experience of being forgiven to really sink in. This might take some time. It can help it to sink in when you open up to it in your body and heart, and by reflecting on how it will help others for you to stop beating yourself up.
It’s also important to remember that these are a lot of steps– It might be helpful to seek out professional help or a trusted pastor to work through this process, especially if you are struggling with any of the steps.
May you be at peace.
Adapted from Rick Hanson, Ph.D., author of ”Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom”
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Rick Hanson 10 Steps to Forgiving Yourself, Steps to forgiving yourself Posted in Codependency, coping skills, depression, Emotional needs, Forgiveness, Healthy Living, Individual Therapy, Marriage, Relationships | No Comments »
By now, you are aware of what “enmeshment” is and how to know if you are in an enmeshed relationship (see earlier blog posts this week).
What are the dangers of being in an enmeshed relationship?
Loss of self. When you are in an enmeshed relationship, you lose your identity. You ultimately lose the parts of your “self” that made the other person fall in love with you to begin with! (Unless you never let them see your true “self”!). It ultimately will feel like you are living your life how you want to, which causes unhappiness and a lack of fulfillment.
Over time, this loss of self can create resentment towards the other person, as well as depression. You may end up feeling like the other person is controlling you (even though you are the one who is allowing it to happen).
You might also feel as though you don’t know who you are– your identity is so wrapped up in another person, you might not know whether you could exist apart from them. This can create a host of other issues if something would happen to your significant other. Some people who lose their spouse through death, struggle for quite some time in not only coming to terms with the loss, but not knowing how to function apart from the other person.
A loss of your voice. In enmeshed relationships, much like codependency, one person is more likely to give up their “voice”. They might stop saying no when they need to, or begin to go along with what the other person wants, for fear of allowing the other person to see their differences. Differences and a separate sense of self are all healthy in relationships, to a certain degree. Not allowing yourself to have a voice in the relationship can create a very unbalanced relationship where the power is all with another person (you don’t have a healthy amount of personal power and freedom).
Do any of this week’s blog posts sound like you? If so, we encourage you to begin working on breaking free from enmeshment to a healthier you!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: enmeshment Posted in addictions, boundaries, Codependency, depression, Emotional needs, Individual Therapy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Parenting, Relationship Addiction, Relationships, Relationships | No Comments »
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