Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
25. When was the last time you talked about your future together, and were you on the same page? Obviously, if you aren’t talking about the future, you have disconnected from one another. Make sure you dream together and set goals that you want to achieve. If you aren’t having conversations about the future –from finances, family, career goals, etc.- – you both will end up with very different expectations of what your future looks like.
26. Do you feel as if you can communicate without saying a word? Sometimes it’s just a glance, body language, or just knowing your partner well enough to know what they think/feel. Make sure that you are always learning about one another, no matter how long you have been together.
27. What is your happiest memory of your time together? Your worst? Are there more happy memories than unhappy ones? If you think back on your relationship, and there are more unhappy memories than happy ones, something is wrong. You and your partner need to evaluate this unhealthy routine you have fallen into, in order to prevent from repeating the same pattern in the future. You should also work on making more positive memories together in the future-plan a trip, surprise your spouse with a gift, etc.!
28. What is a relationship breaker for you, and have you overlooked one in this relationship? This can be anything from infidelity, abuse (physical, emotional, verbal), betrayal of trust, etc. Have you both had appropriate boundaries in your marriage? If something has happened, was it discussed and was there any closure?
29. How do you feel about the last, in-depth conversation you and your partner had? Communication is key in any relationship. If you aren’t talking, you become roommates instead of partners. Make sure that you are constantly learning about one another and fighting fair when there are disagreements.
30. Do you show love for each other often, and if not, why? If you stop trying, the relationship is going to fail. Make sure that you both are affectionate, considerate, and meeting one another’s emotional needs. If you aren’t sure if your spouse if feeling loved by you, check in with them frequently to see what they need from you.
Thank you for reading this week! As always, if you read our blog this week and identified some problem areas in your relationship, make sure to seek professional help before it is too late.
*Source: 30 Questions To Help If You Have Doubts About Your Relationship by Terez Williamson by tinybudda.com
Written by: Christy Fogg, MSW, LCSW
Christy Fogg, MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Christy enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Christy also provides family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling.
Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Terez Williamson Posted in boundaries, Relationships | No Comments »
What are some common traits of hoarders?
There are many traits that contribute to hoarding behaviors, though just because you only share of few of these characteristics doesn’t necessarily indicate you are more or less severe of a hoarder.
Fear of Losing Information: This trait is common when an individual feels the fear of throwing information away “just in case” they might need it later. For example, unread newspapers, magazines, junk mail, etc.
Indecisiveness: Many hoarders are indecisive about things such as what to wear, what food to eat or order at a restaurant, or about certain possessions. Many hoarders will hang onto possessions that currently have no place in the home, feeling indecisive about where to put them or keeping them (again) “just in case” they need them for later. This results in a lot of clutter with unneeded items that never quite find their way into a permanent place in the home. Do you find yourself indecisive with decisions or items?
Fear of Making a Mistake
Hoarders commonly fear making mistakes about the following things: Accidentally throwing something away they might later want or need, not being able to find possessions because they have misplaced them, not having something they want or need in the future (“I can’t throw that away… what if I NEED it later?”), not finding the right or “perfect” place for an item in the home. These may lead to symptoms such as buying duplicate items without enough room for them all, leaving items out in the home because of the fear you might not be able to find something when you need it, or not throwing something away because you may later feel regret about it.
As these authors suggest: Indecisiveness + Fear of Making a Mistake = Clutter
Inability to Prioritize: When you have too much stuff in your home, it often results in feeling overwhelmed. When you feel overwhelmed, it makes it difficult to prioritize what to do first and where to start tasks. Many people report feeling paralyzed by the quantity of things and end up procrastinating.
Fear of Loss: As stated earlier, this may be an overwhelming fear of discarding an item that is viewed as “important”, in case the item might be needed later on. This doesn’t refer to things that have family value, such as a family heirloom or your wedding dress. This would be more like hanging onto junk mail, for fear that it might include a large check in it and the fear you might accidentally throw this away. Many times, hoarders end up with piles, then when you try to clean out one pile, you just end up mixing it with another pile.
Fear of Memory Loss: Hoarding behaviors are connected to the fear of losing a memory. Hoarders are afraid to trust their own memory. Objects don’t hold memories… WE hold memories. Some hoarders might have empty closets, instead, keeping objects in plain sight, cluttering up their home for fear of losing the memory that an object might hold for them.
Lack of Organization: Many hoarders have problems with categorization and end up developing piles and piles of similar objects. They often feel overwhelmed with organizing, not knowing where to begin.
Do you recognize any of these traits of hoarding? If so, we recommend talking with a professional counselor to find out what your hoarding behavior is really all about and how it is effecting your life, or taking the initial steps to working on simplifying and de-cluttering your life!
Adapted from: Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding: Why You Save and How You Can Stop, by Fugen Neziroglu, Jerome Bubrick, and Jose A. Yaryura-Tobias
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding, Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding by Fugen Neziroglu Posted in addictions, boundaries, coping skills, Family Issues, Healthy Living, hoarding, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, Individual Therapy | No Comments »
The Stuffer Who Collects Retaliation Rocks
What do you do with your feelings about small (and not-so-small) situations that happen in your marriage? Do you share them with your spouse and get clarification with them? Do you let them see who you really are? Or do you keep them stuffed away (as Natalie wrote about in yesterday’s post)?
When feeling “unglued”, sometimes we will collect what is termed “Retaliation Rocks”. These are things we use as a weapon for future disagreements. For example: Your spouse doesn’t help with housework, but you don’t say anything to he/she about how this feels. You stuff the feelings away in a corner of your heart. Later on (sometimes years later), your spouse doesn’t initiate a date night and “A-HA!”… You just KNEW it! They don’t love you and don’t feel you are important (not true), so you explode on them, using one incident (or many) about just how “unimportant” you must really be to them! The problem with this is…. it’s not true! You never shared with them how you felt in the first place, but instead kept this information and all of these feelings from your spouse’s knowledge, only to bombard them with feelings later on in a deadly fashion.
Retaliation rocks are things that we keep tucked away and don’t let our spouse see about us and our feelings. These cause bitterness that we keep inside over time, where we might feel annoyed at our spouse and then later on we allow these small things to erupt each time we feel upset about something completely unrelated.
Don’t allow these rocks to sit on your soul. And don’t pull out these “rocks” in moments of retaliation towards your spouse. They will only feel confused and unsafe with you.
Do you collect “retaliation rocks”, only to use them as ammunition towards your spouse later on?
*Source: Unglued: Making Wise Choices In The Midst Of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Lysa Terkeurst, retaliation rocks, Unglued, What Kind of Unglued Am I? Posted in anger management, Anxiety, boundaries, Codependency, communication, coping skills, Counterdependency, Individual Therapy, Intimacy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Premarital issues, Premarriage Counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
- Opportunities to Build Trust
Trust is an essential ingredient in every relationship. Trust is extremely important in marriages, romantic relationships, with your children and other family members. When the person you’re in a relationship with feels a lack of trust with you, they lose hope and a sense resentment starts to build.
How do you begin to build trust with this relationship? First, start by modeling it. Do you personally display trustworthy behavior between you everyone you come into contact with on a daily basis? It doesn’t matter if it’s your spouse or if it’s a co-worker. Are you demonstrating trust in every aspect of your life? Secondly, do you follow-through on things you state you’re going to take action towards? If you commit to doing x, y, and z, do you do it? When you follow through with your word it creates trust with others.
If you are able to do these things, the people in your life will respond well to you when you’re trying to connect with them or hold them accountable for their behavior.
Think of this like jumping jacks. Before you can do some heavy exercise, you have to start small and get your blood pumping. Relationships work the same way. If there’s any distance or disconnect between you and another person, you must start small if you eventually want to start repairing the relationship.
What do emotional warm-ups look like? Again, think small. Leave a positive hand-written note, send a nice text, give a compliment. You get the point. From here you can start building up to a short conversation with your significant other, watching a tv show together with your teen or phone conversation with the friend you haven’t spoken to in months. Eventually you may reach your desired goal.
Remember, you cannot start at your end goal. Look for smaller victories when you’re trying to nurture relationships. If you start bigger, you’ll probably find yourself frustrated and more apt to throw in the towel too soon.
I hope you’re finding these tips helpful and useful. Please check back in tomorrow for more tips to nurture your relationships. Thank you for reading!
*Source: Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager by Scott Sells, Ph.D.
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: Parenting your out of control teenager, Scott Sells Ph. D. Posted in boundaries, communication, Family Issues, Marriage, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Relationships, Trust | No Comments »
We all want to have our parnter be our biggest listener and support system when something is going wrong in life (and even when it isn’t!). But what happens when you feel as though the person who needs to be your biggest supporter isn’t doing their “job”? What if we haven’t even
ASKED them to be in this role, but we just expect it anyway, as a ‘given’?
Today’s “Love Knot” is when I tell you how I feel, you interrupt me, disagree with me, give advice, judge or dismiss my feelings… then I stop telling you and distance from you.
This is also known as “The Judge”.
What can we do with our partner when we are entangled in the “judge” love knot?
Remember that if you want them to listen to you and hear you, you have to ask them.
Remember that it’s not a gift to give advice or comments when the other person isn’t asking for them (or if they’ve told you they don’t want them).
Listen for deeper meaning in what your partner’s telling you– really listen to the information being presented without forming an automatic opinion.
Recognize that listening is truly the most important gift you can give to any relationship– it means the difference between connection and disconnection with your partner.
Source: “If You Really Loved Me…” by Lori Gordon
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: "If you really loved me..." by Dr. Lori Gordon, Love Knots Posted in boundaries, Codependency, communication, Emotional needs, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
What to do if you think you are being lied to:
Don’t obsess– when you invest all of your emotional energy in what another person is doing, you are only hurting yourself and handing your personal power over to that person to define whether or not you are “okay”. Learn to take care of yourself, instead. Detaching can be a powerful thing and an important one in self-care. That doesn’t mean that you allow inappropriate behavior, it just means that you realize what you can and can’t control. If someone isn’t being honest with you, you only have control over your own choices. In the long run, they are the ones who are losing out. But obsessing over them is only going to deplete you of energy. Don’t obsess, but have healthy boundaries of what you will and will not allow in your life. Sometimes that means walking away.
Confront the person with the evidence you have. Be realistic in your expectations of how they will react. Ideally, the other person will be humbled, broken, remorseful and offer sincere apologies and genuine, lasting change. Often times, you will be met with defensiveness, hostility, reactivity and anger. This doesn’t feel good when you are dealing with betrayal, so be prepared to set clear boundaries and limits with what you will accept. Then FOLLOW THROUGH. When you have evidence, you have your truth. That is a place to begin healing– with or without the other person.
You may choose to not confront the individual. Remember that if you are going to put yourself in physical, emotional or mental danger by confronting another person, do NOT do it alone, if at all!! We definitely don’t endorse denial, but if confrontation creates unsafety, it’s not healthy to do it. Sometimes it’s better to not confront, but many times that will mean a roadblock to healing that relationship in the long run.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in addictions, boundaries, communication, Relationships | No Comments »
What great lessons I am learning and being reminded of this week thru our Lessons from the Thanksgiving Table! We host both sides of the family at our house for Thanksgiving. So every year I have the “perfectionism” talk with myself. It was nice to be reminded by Teri’s lesson as well as being able to relate to her. My lesson is not only one to teach you but to remind myself daily of its importance:
Practice Patience
It’s so funny the Norman Rockwell picture we all have in our minds and how we somehow believe someday that will be us! No matter how far from this unrealistic picture we are, it seems every year we strive for this. When we have expectations, we often feel let down and sometimes frustrated or angry. It’s easy to loose patience with our family members. Many times they are just being…well..them! They are who they are but we somehow expect them to act differently because it’s a Holiday.
It’s important to remember to be patient. Take a deep breath when you feel yourself getting anxious. Ask yourself is this really worth getting upset about? Will this matter in a week? A year? Some things will matter and I understand that. But I mean the little things like someone bringing something other than what they were asked to bring. Or someone being 10 minutes late for dinner (or at our house an hour late!). Things that we can let go of.
This would be a great practice for everyday as well. Take a deep breath and relax! They are who they are and you can’t change that! But you can change your response. Try patience!
Thank you for reading this week. We hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving and have much to be grateful!
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: Families at Thanksgiving Posted in boundaries, communication, Relationships | No Comments »
A child is naturally immature. This is normal due to brain development and lack of life experiences.
If children are growing up in a dysfunctional family, they may remain very immature or become very mature. They can remain immature because of the trauma they are experiencing. When children are exposed to stress, they may develop a lot of negative coping patterns and don’t know how to self-regulate. This can lead to obesity, drug and alcohol use, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
Children can become very mature because of a lack of consistency and parenting. We often refer to this as being a parentified child. These children cope with the dysfunction by parenting their parents, taking over responsibilities around the home, and parenting other children in the home. Parentified children often experience a lot of shame, guilt, codependency, and feelings of incompetence.
As adults, these children who are either too immature or too mature have difficulty experiencing and expressing their own reality. They often develop negative coping skills and unhealthy thinking patterns, such as the ones mentioned.
Thanks for reading this week!
Written by Christy Fogg, MSW, LCSW
Christy Fogg, MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Christy enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Christy also provides family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling.
Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: parentified child, parentified children Posted in boundaries, Codependency, Family Issues, Parenting, stress, Uncategorized | No Comments »
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