Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
Why Does He Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft is a straightforward book about being in an abusive relationship and abusive men.
Bancroft challenges the myth that abusive men are “out of control” and “don’t know what they are doing”, by describing clear-cut patterns of behavior. He also challenges the myth that even some therapists can fall prey to: blaming his behavior on his past. While most abusers come from a family of origin that is filled with dysfunctional family dynamics, Bancroft describes (from his own experience in counseling with abusive men) how most abusers are well aware of what they are doing and have predictable patterns.
This book teaches that it’s not external influences that create an abuser– it’s not because he had a bad day or that he is stressed about money or his job or any other excuse– it’s a problem with his fundamental value system he has about women.
This blog (and book) isn’t about bashing men– it’s about the serious nature of truly abusive relationships and how to handle the situation if you are a woman who is experiencing an abusive relationship. Being in an abusive relationship can truly feel like “crazy making”, and Bancroft’s book is a must-read for anyone in this situation who is needing guidance.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: abusive relationships, Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?
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As a parent, one of my main concerns is my child’s safety. Part of my job is to be the “safety patrol” and teach them how to catch on to what is safe and what is risky behavior.
As school is ending and summer break gets into full gear, we thought it would be good to remind you of helpful tips to protect your kids, whether it is in the yard, at the park, or on the computer.
- Be Open- When you are open with your kids about what the world is really like, it helps them not live with a naive mindset. I’m not saying to instill fear in them, so a balance of how much you tell them is important based on their age. But if you know from the news that there is a warning of a man in a red car driving around lately trying to get kids to come in his car, tell them to be on the look out for a red car and review stranger danger tips (Joleen will cover more on these later in the week). Kids need to not live in a sheltered bubble, otherwise, they won’t be prepared if danger strikes.
- Teach kids that a “bad guy” might not look like a bad guy. Most bad guys or gals don’t have a specific look to them. Stereotypes are all wrong when it comes down to perpetrators. Statistics say that 95% of perpetrators are people that victims love, know, and trust already. They might not even be adults either. Many times they are teenagers and same-aged kids. Make sure you teach your child about how to build trust people and what type of people are safe for them. Also help them understand that it is ok to say “no” to any one who asks them to do anything or go anywhere that makes them feel uncomfortable.
Keep reading all week for more specific tips to protect your kids! The world can be a hurtful place. Let’s do our best to proactively protect our kids!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Abuse, boundaries, communication, Family Issues, Parenting, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Some people like to have large groups of friends; some people like to have a small group of close friends. I have a small group of friends, but we are very close. I love that when life gets in the way, and I cannot meet up with my friends for a while, we can just pick back up where we left off! Friendships are vital so it is important that we know how to take care of them. This week are writing about how to help a friend through difficult situations. Teri wrote about how to help a friend who lost a child, Tamara wrote about how to help a friend who is seriously ill, and today I write about how to help a friend who is in an abusive relationship. One in every four women experience domestic violence in their lifetime. Chances are, you have a friend who has been abused.
If you suspect a friend is in an abusive relationship, it is important to let her know you are there for her. According to domestic violence educator Pam Smieja, being a stable dependable friend is the most helpful thing you can do. Abused women often feel shameful of their situation and your friend may not want you to know because she does not want you to think bad things about her. Letting her know you do not think less of her is important. You may have a strong reaction to the news, but your friend needs stability. Save your own private feelings and take care of yourself without her. Your abused friend has to deal with volatile emotions with her abuser. The best thing you can do is to be stable and calm for her.
Do not ask your friend vague open ended questions like “What is going on” or “Is everything okay?” She may be too ashamed to tell the truth. Simply let her know you are there for her and you can handle whatever it may be. Look her in the eye and let her know you are dependable. If your friend is willing to talk to you about her abuse, you can help her make a safety plan. You may be able to assist her in duplicating house and car keys and photo ID. You can help her open her own bank account or safety deposit box where she can store cash for a fast get away if needed.
Call a domestic violence center and learn more about the details of domestic violence. Get the contact name and number for your friend. Encourage your friend to make contact with the center and learn about safe houses. Allow her to call from your house or phone if her abuser is tracking her calls. You may be tempted to offer your friend a place to stay, but that may not be safe for you and your family. Police and domestic violence personnel can help her find a secret place to hide from her abusive spouse.
When you are with your friend, avoid judgmental questions like, “why don’t you just leave?” She might have trouble verbalizing the reasons. Sometimes there may be very real consequences threatened if she leaves. Perhaps her abuser uses threats to her children or family and friends to keep her compliant. Be patient, she will only leave when she is ready.
Please continue to check in this week as we discuss how to help a friend. As always, thanks for stopping by.
Adapted from “How To Help A Friend…” By Nancy Comiskey from O’s Guide to Life; The Best of O, The Oprah Magazine p. 260-262
To learn more about Domestic Violence, please visit http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf
Source- 1 Tjaden, Patricia & Thoennes, Nancy. National Institute of Justice and the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, “Extent, Nature and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey,” (2000).
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: domestic violence, Friends
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All of us have basic needs that make us feel fulfilled in our lives. Some of these needs are critical to our survival as a child (such as safety and security), but also impact us later in life as adults, too. The bottom line is that everyone has needs, even if they have difficulty in letting other’s see their “neediness”. As therapists, we often see individuals and couples come to counseling when these needs aren’t being met, because it can cause confusion and chronic unhappiness without them. To reach our full potential as adults, we require most of these needs. So much that some of the worlds (and histories) greatest scientists, psychologists and behavioral experts and authors, such as Maslow, Miller, Weil, and Glasser, have dedicated much of their careers to researching this topic. This week, Imagine Hope therapist’s will be discussing some of the basic human needs.
Touching
We know that infants who are deprived of touch, fail to grow and thrive, even if they get proper food, nourishment and protection. The most powerful form of touch for an infant is skin-to-skin.
But what about the need for touch as an adult?
To feel connected and cared for, we need to be hugged and touched as adults, too! Some of the research suggests that we need from 4 to 12 hugs a day as part of our “health maintenance”.
We know that people who are compassionately touched often feel happier, more alert, more safe, more understood, and more communicative.
Many times in couple’s counseling sessions, we hear the words “but we don’t even touch anymore”. Some couples have become so distant that the basic touches, such as holding hands, hugging, or even a simple pat on the back or touch of the arm has been withheld or stopped. Appropriate touch is a powerful and tender way to easily (and simply) bring feelings of love into a relationship. Touch is a way to share or express feelings that may be more powerful than using words.
Knowing the importance of touch, it’s no wonder that couple’s lacking touch might also be struggling in their relationship, as well. How often do you touch?
Stay tuned this week, as we review some of the other basic human needs. Tomorrow, Tamara will talk about the basic human need for listening, participation and accepting. Thank you for joining us!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: basic needs, need for touch, touch, touch in relationships
Posted in Abandonment, Abuse, Anxiety, depression, Emotional needs, Healthy Living, Individual Therapy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Parenting, Relationships | No Comments »
So far, have you used any of this week’s blog post suggestions to help with your relationship with yourself? Or, maybe you are wondering “How can you love someone too much?”… I mean, isn’t that what we are supposed to be doing? Loving others with all we have? This week, Imagine Hope discusses what it means to “Love too much” in a relationship– which is basically where you love others to the point of losing (sacrificing, or giving away) your healthy identity and self-worth.
As we discuss a lot on our blog posts, having good relationships with others is very important, but it’s just as important to have a good relationship with your self. Working on this isn’t selfish, it’s taking care of yourself! And as we know, we can’t take care of the people who are appropriately depending on us (like our children), if we don’t know how to take care of ourselves… Furthermore, we shouldn’t be taking care of others who can take care of themselves, anyway! So, keep reading and keep using this week’s tips on how to start loving yourself a little more!
9. Work on valuing your own serenity and peace of mind above all else.
Have you ever noticed that many of the people in your life have constant chaos and drama in their day to day world? Perhaps they try and draw you into the chaos and that creates chaos in your own life? Or maybe there is always a “crisis” or something going “wrong” in their life that they try to pull you into by “venting” to you, or asking you to do things you feel uncomfortable with. This could be coming from family members, friendships, or dating relationships. If this is happening, you might be valuing other’s peace and serenity over your own. This is part of “loving too much”.
Or, maybe the people around you tell you that you have constant drama and chaos in your own life? Perhaps they tell you that you always seem to be engaged in situations that are a “crisis” or messy and chaotic– that things never seem to be just “okay” in your life, or that you seem to consistently have something going “wrong” with some aspect of your life. Some people actually seem to enjoy having the constant drama in their life. It keeps them from having to look at their own emotional pain and life situation and doing something about it. Either way, to work on becoming healthier, stop inviting chaos, drama, and constant struggles in your relationships with others.
Remember… in our relationships, people can only do what we ALLOW them to do!
Work on protecting yourself by setting boundaries with others. This doesn’t mean that you never listen to them or that you can’t be there for them– it means that when you are there for that person, you aren’t doing things that feel unhealthy and uncomfortable for you! Unfortunately, this might mean the loss of some relationships, which can be frightening. Other people don’t necessarily like it when we change– so they may get angry or upset because you are changing how you relate to them. As you work on loving yourself more, however, you will see that peace unfold in your life.
10. Realize that in order for a relationship to work, it must be between partners who share similar values, interests and goals. If someone has a belief system or a value system that doesn’t match yours, you will struggle. And sometimes, people try to change their own value system to match another person’s, which rarely works! For example, if you place a strong value on honesty, but are in a relationship with someone who is consistently dishonest with others or keeps secrets, you aren’t loving yourself to allow this kind of behavior in your life.
Whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship, each person in that relationship must be capable to have healthy intimacy for it to work out. Sometimes, we try to change other people to get our own needs met, so realizing that someone else might not be capable of what you are asking for, is important. This can help you let go of changing them and work on changing yourself and your expectations instead. Remember, you are worthy of the best that life has to offer!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: boundaries, Loving too much, Self Esteem, well-being
Posted in Abuse, boundaries, Codependency, communication, Emotional needs, Family Issues, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationship Addiction, Relationships, self esteem | No Comments »
This week’s blog is a very emotional and devastating one– sexual abuse. Many people grow up holding all in of the pain, shame, and fear that sexual abuse has caused them. Our hearts go out to you if you are one of the many who struggle with the internal dilemma of disclosure and healing. Today we will discuss Forgiveness, Spirituality and Resolution.
Forgiveness of the abuser isn’t an essential part of the healing process, although it tends to be the one most recommended. Many people believe that confronting the abuser is something that has to be done in order to forgive– and this isn’t true. Many times, confrontation of an abuser who continues to be an unsafe person (whether emotionally or physically) can cause further trauma. Other times, it can be a dramatic and cleansing tool. No one can tell you what is the “right” way for you to get to a place of forgiveness. The most important thing and the most essential piece about forgiveness is that it is for yourself. It wasn’t your fault.
Spirituality. Having a sense of a power greater than yourself can be a real asset in the healing process. Many individuals who have been sexually abused feel anger towards God for allowing the abuse to happen and struggle with spirituality as it relates to the healing process. Spirituality is a uniquely personal experience. You might find it through traditional religion, meditation, nature, or your support group.
Resolution and Moving On. As you move through these stages again and again, you will reach a point of integration. Your feelings and perspectives will stabilize. You will come to terms with your abuser and other family members. While you won’t erase your history, you will make deep and lasting changes in your life. Having gained awareness, compassion, and power through healing, you will have the opportunity to work towards a better world. Just remember, healing from sexual abuse is a process… not a one time thing. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself! Learn to nurture yourself during this process and take care of the child within you. Recognize that taking a step backwards, doesn’t mean failure or lack of progress. You are allowed to have feelings and to grieve. And, once again, speak to a professional counselor if you are struggling with this process. Healing isn’t meant to be done alone. As we previously stated, we often times see individuals that don’t confront their abuse until many years later, wishing they would have done it sooner. Our hearts and prayers go out to you if you are a survivor of sexual abuse, and we hope this week’s blog topic has been helpful to you on your journey towards healing!
Resources for healing from sexual abuse:
The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis
Beginning to Heal by Laura Davis & Ellen Bass
The Right to Innocence by Beverly Engel
Healing from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Karen Duncan
The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: sexual abuse
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This week Teri and Tamara have helped us understand what Sexual Abuse is and how to begin to heal. Healing from wounds can happen at various times and at different rates for many people. The most important part is knowing what you are healing from. Healing from Sexual Abuse takes time, the desire to want to heal, hope, patience, and the ability to ask for help. Sexual Abuse creates deep wounds that are often ignored, masked, or buried. But they will be there until they are addressed and properly healed.
Breaking the Silence:
Many adult survivors kept the abuse a secret during childhood. Telling another human being about what happened to you is a powerful healing force that can dispel the shame of being a victim. Most counselors are trained in helping heal with sexual abuse, so counseling is a good place to start. Understand that your journey of healing will include learning how to “get the words out”. If you are ready to tell close friends or family members, choose the ones you expect to be supportive. As you choose who to tell, make your choices wisely by asking yourself the following questions:
- Does this person care for and respect me?
- Does this person have my well-being in mind?
- Is it someone I have talked about my feelings with before?
- Do I trust this person?
- Do I feel safe with this person?
When you tell, make sure that it is an optimal time with few distractions and plenty of time to discuss what you want. Also, let the person know how you want him or her to respond. Let them know if you do not want questions right then, or if you are not interested in a lot of advice at the time. A good friend will listen to and respect your wishes. Lastly, if you want your revelation to be kept confidential, you need to tell them. This is your healing journey, you get to choose with whom to include in your travel.
Remembering Abuse:
Many survivors of sexual abuse suppress all memories of what happened to them as children. This is a natural defense mechanism, or survival skill. Sometimes the abuse happened at such a young age, the child cannot put the feelings or events into words. Even if there are some memories of the actual incident, often survivors forget how they felt at the time. Sometimes, the memory is in flashes of sights, or sounds, or smells, or sensations; especially if the abuse was not painful or traumatic at the time. Remembering is the process of getting back both memory and feeling together.
It is important for the survivor to remember so they can acknowledge the event and heal. It is natural to be hesitant and self-protective in the remembering process. That is why it is imperative that you proceed with this phase with the help of a trained professional. Survivors need all the pieces of the puzzle so they can see the whole picture. Then, as an adult, they can see the abuse for what it is, and how it could not have been their fault.
Believing it happened:
Survivors often doubt their own perceptions. Not wanting to believe that you may have been sexually abused is understandable. It can take a long time for a survivor to say for sure that they know they were sexually abused. After all, it can be a painful experience acknowledging that a trusted adult or another child hurt you in this way. But just because it is hard to believe or you do not want to believe, does not mean it did not happen.
Even if you do not have a conscious memory of the abuse, you may have body memories, or implicit memories. Your body may have memories and respond in ways that you may not understand. You may cringe at the smell of alcohol on someone’s breath because your abuser was drunk when he abused you. Body memories are very reliable and common among trauma victims and should be used as further evidence that you can trust your memories.
Coming to believe that the abuse really happened and really hurt you is a vital part of the healing process. Believe in yourself, in your memories, so you can give yourself a chance to heal. You deserve to heal.
All therapists at Imagine Hope Counseling Group have training and experience counseling survivors of sexual abuse. If you are reading this and feel you are ready to begin recovering from your experience, please call to set up an appointment. Keep reading this week as Natalie and Joleen share more information about continued stages of healing.
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: Healing from Sexual Abuse, sexual abuse, sexual abuse stages
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As we talk about healing from sexual abuse this week, if this starts to stir up emotions for you, please talk to someone with whom you trust and feel safe. Beginning to deal with memories and suppressed feelings can throw your life into chaos. Remember this is only a stage and it won’t last forever. This emergency stage is a natural part of the healing process and there will be a time when the sexual abuse isn’t what you think about all the time (we promise!!!).
Here’s what you can do to survive the Emergency Stage:
- Don’t hurt or try to kill yourself. You deserve to live. If you feel suicidal or want to hurt yourself, call or reach out to someone. If you’re saying to yourself, “I don’t have anyone”, then call 911. They will get you to safety.
- Understand you’re NOT going crazy. The panic that you’re feeling is natural. Breathe. Breathe.
- Get skilled professional support. You need to be surrounded by friends who are helpful, but you also need a professional who can help you heal through this process too. Search for someone who specializes in sexual abuse too. Many professionals are well-intentioned, but ill-equipped.
- Get support from other survivors. Other survivors know exactly what you need. No one else other than a survivor will be able to listen as much as you need them to.
- Allow yourself to obsess. Accept your circumstances for where you are. Don’t beat yourself up for the natural things you’re doing.
- Do nice things for yourself. Nurture yourself, love yourself, give yourself grace and patience.
- Drop what isn’t essential in your life. This can be part of doing nice things for yourself. Drop unsupportive people, quit activities that are too stressful, lighten your workload. Only do the necessary things during this emergency healing stage.
- Create a safe area in your home. Make one room in your home your safe haven. One room that you can go to release the steam and pressure of the day & of the circumstances.
- Eat healthy and watch your intake of drugs and alcohol. Numbing your feelings with food or drugs and alcohol will not solve the problem and will only prolong the crisis.
- Develop a belief in something greater than yourself. Spirituality often gives people strength when they feel as though they’ve hit the end of the road for themselves. Reminding yourself that “Something Greater” is watching over you will allow you to stay focused and remind yourself that the way you feel right now will not be the same one year from now.
Again, as Teri mentioned yesterday, if you are a survivor of 20 years, or if you just recently experienced sexual abuse, you can make the choice to heal. Find someone who is emotionally safe and caring to be supportive and there with you through the ups and downs. We have alot of information to share with you throughout the rest of the week. Tomorrow Alexa is going to discuss trusting your own perceptions of the abuse & why it’s important to remember what happened. Thank you for reading.
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: sexual abuse, sexual abuse stages, What is sexual abuse?
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Imagine Hope BlogosphereBlogs by Imagine Hope Counselors
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Teri Claassen's Blog
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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