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As we have discussed earlier this week, ambiguous loss is different than ordinary loss– it entails a lack of clarity or finality that other loss provides. Examples of ambiguous loss include infidelity, a missing person/abduction, divorce, natural disasters where loss is inevitable, adoption, among other things.
Ambiguous loss is different than other losses, in that there is no certainty that things will return to how they used to be, there is no verification of death or certainty that the person will come back.
Instead, with ambiguous loss, the grieving person must get to a place of finding meaning in the loss amidst all of this uncertainty– things may change, but they may not; the person may come back, but they may not. This is a very difficult thing to do, as we discussed previously this week, because ambiguous loss can “freeze” the grief process and prevent closure.
Ambiguous loss is such an important thing to know about, and truly can help the grieving process in understanding how it impacts our lives. If you are struggling with an ambiguous loss, we encourage you to read Pauline Boss’ book “Ambiguous Loss”, or for clinicians, refer to “Loss, Trauma and Resilience”, also by Pauline Boss.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Ambiguous Loss, Pauline Boss
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Ambiguous loss can be a hard topic to wrap your mind around. Like mentioned earlier this week, it is a loss, but it’s not concrete. It’s important to be aware of ambiguous loss in your life, and how it can affect your ability to function.
Ambiguous loss freezes the grieving process. This occurs because you have experienced a loss of some kind, but it’s atypical. The grieving process that you would normally work through (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) can get stuck because there is no way for you to internally resolve the grief. The loss is external, outside of yourself. You may not know if the loss is temporary or final.
Ambiguous loss prevents closure. In the same way that it affects the grieving process, ambiguous loss also makes it difficult to accept finality. If you have a loved one who is missing, and their body is never found, you continue to hold onto hope for years that they may someday return. Even if you submit to the fact that they are probably deceased, you may still struggle with finding closure.
Ambiguous loss can paralyze your functioning relationships and your family. At times, ambiguous loss can mimic the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You, your spouse, family, etc. may struggle with the following: change, feeling overwhelmed about making decisions, hopelessness or helplessness, depression and/or anxiety, or guilt. When you experience ambiguous loss, it is an extremely confusing time, and it may be difficult to think in black-and-white terms when everything feels so grey.
Continue to read this week as we talk more about Ambiguous Loss, and thanks for stopping by!
*Source: Loss, Trauma & Resilience by Pauline Boss
Written by: Christy Fogg, MSW, LCSW
Christy Fogg, MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Christy enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Christy also provides family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling.
Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: Loss Trauma & Resilience by Pauline Boss
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In her book “Loss, Trauma & Resilience” Dr. Boss talks about the model that can be used to ease the pain of ambiguous loss. She describes it as a cycle, much like the grief cycle we have described before. You can go back and forth through different stages when you are going through the cycle.
The first part of the cycle is Finding Meaning. In this stage, the person starts trying to understand what this loss could mean for them. For example, someone who has gone through a divorce and has now accepted this loss as a part of their life, may start a divorce group for those in the early stages of the loss. They find meaning (or create meaning) from their suffering rather than it just being suffering.
The second part is Tempering Mastery This step is very difficult. This is where we realize we have no control over the situation (or certain aspects of it) and we try to “temper” our need to control it. We decide to let go because it is no longer healthy to hold on. Unfortunately, the person that was lost may never be found. Or the partner we lost is never coming back. A disaster has happened that swept away our home, and it will never be the same. Those are things we cannot control so we must let go of our desire to control them. We are trying to control situations outside of us and it is not healthy. As difficult as it is, tempering this will help us in moving forward and having an emotionally healthy life.
The third part of the cycle is Reconstructing Identity. This is working to discover your new identity without this person in your life. Who are you now that you are not a wife, parent, or without your home where it was before? This is very difficult but can also open up new opportunities and new beginnings.
The fourth phase is Normalizing Ambivalence. This is to normalize your feelings of ambivalence. It’s understandable that you would have mixed emotions and feelings about all of this. It would only feel normal to feel sad and hopeful while moving on.
The fifth phase is Revising Attachment. This is realizing you can still honor and remember the person or place you have “lost” but make a commitment to move on. By moving on, you are not forgetting them. You are just choosing to do the best you can in dealing with the loss and moving forward in your life. Again, mixed normal feelings.
The sixth and final phase is Discovering Hope.. This is realizing there is hope in moving on. You can keep them in your memory and honor them and still move forward, create new opportunities, and find hope in doing so.
All of these stages are difficult. I want to assure our readers than putting this in a cycle does not minimize the pain anyone has gone through. Hopefully it just validates some part of where you may be on the cycle. Because this is so difficult, it is advised to seek professional help when working through the cycles.
Tomorrow Joleen will give a lot of resources that can help. I hope you’ll join us for that helpful blog. Thank you for reading this week. Take care…
*Source: Loss, Trauma & Resilience by Pauline Boss
Written by Natalie Chandler
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: Ambiguous Loss, loss
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There are two types of ambiguous loss.
The first type happens when someone is physically missing but it feels like they’re still emotionally present. This happens in situations for children when their parents divorce, or when a parent gives a child up for adoption. It can also happen for family members who immigrate to a different country and have to leave other loved ones behind. In extreme cases it can happen when a loved one is kidnapped, when members of the armed forces go missing during war, or when individuals go missing during natural disasters such as earthquakes, floods or tsunami’s.
It can be hard to wrap your mind around the fact that your loved one is still out there and not have the closure needed to move forward. It can be a confusing period of time in your life.
The second type of ambiguous loss occurs when someone is physically present, but emotionally absent. Examples of this type of loss happens when someone is cognitively missing. For example, if a loved one is suffering from Alzheimer’s disease or dementia; a traumatic brain injury, severe depression, autism, addiction or other chronic physical or mental illness.
It can be frustrating, sad and exhausting to see your loved one right in front of you, but not be able to engage them in your life or interact with them as you would want.
Remember that grief/loss does not only occur when someone physically dies. It can occur anytime there is change in our life. With the above types of loss, it can be hard to put into words how you feel because the loss is gradual and confusing. For more information on these types of losses, read Loss, Trauma & Resilience by Pauline Boss.
*Source: Loss, Trauma & Resilience by Pauline Boss
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: Ambiguous Loss, loss trauma & resilience, Pauline Boss
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Loss is part of the human experience. In some way everyone will experience a form of loss that requires grieving.
What is Ambiguous Loss? Many don’t know what this term means…
It is loss that has no closure. Maybe it is because the loved ones body was never found, or the missing person never returned after running away. But it doesn’t always involve literal loss. It could be the loss that happens through life changes like: kids aging and leaving the home, divorce, parents getting older, or disease that takes a person’s mind, etc.
Because these losses go without closure, suffers have to learn how to exist with and tolerate the pain of the loss. The grieving process can vacillate between finding hope and feeling hopeless.
Read all week as we dig more into this type of loss and how to cope with it. Thanks for reading!
Source: Loss, Trauma and Resilience by Pauline Boss
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: loss, Trauma and Resilience by Pauline Boss
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The subject of ambiguous loss is a relatively new one to me, as it relates to therapy, but is one that we frequently see with our clients (as well as in our own lives!). Pauline Boss’ book “Ambiguous Loss: Learning To Live With Unresolved Grief” is one of the most amazing books I have read so far this spring!
What is Ambiguous Loss?
Ambiguous Loss is when you have no closure with loss, or when loss is surrounded by uncertainty and ambiguity– examples of this are divorce, addictions, infidelity, dealing with an aging parent, coping with the loss of a missing child, dealing with a relationship breakup, just to name a few. Unlike death, which has finality and an ending, ambiguous loss can be traumatic in that the survivors of this type of loss still have to deal with so much uncertainty in the healing process. The two ways Boss explains this type of loss: When a person is present physically, but is psychologically or emotionally absent (e.g., divorce, relationship break up, mental illness, alzheimer’s disease)– or when a person is physically absent, but is still psychologically or emotionally present (e.g., a missing child, a soldier who is missing in action).
This book not only explains ambiguous loss, but helps the reader to recognize how this type of loss is surrounded by fluctuating feelings of hope to hopelessness, while trying to make sense and find meaning in such loss.
If you recognize an area where you might be dealing with ambiguous loss, this book is highly recommended!
For clinician’s working with Ambiguous Loss in therapy, Pauline Boss’ book “Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss” is a great reference in working with clients, as well.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Ambiguous Loss, Learning to live with unresolved grief, Loss Trauma and Resilience, Pauline Boss
Posted in Abandonment, addictions, Affairs, Anxiety, coping skills, depression, Divorce, Family Issues, Grief and Loss, Individual Therapy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships, Relationships, Suicide, Therapy | No Comments »
Once again, when someone gets out of the Denial Stage, anger and bargaining can take place, sometimes at the same time, or inter-changeably. Sometimes Anger can come first, or sometimes Bargaining can come first. Yesterday we discussed Anger, let’s now address Bargaining:
Bargaining
What Bargaining sounds like: “I promise I’ll change if you stay. Can’t we still be friends? I promise I’ll do better next time. I swear…..” In this stage you’re holding onto the hope that you can bargain against the inevitable coming. Generally it’s drastic changes that are promised in hopes to secure something that is at stake of being taken away. But, rarely do these bargaining promises ever provide a workable or reasonable solution. You can bargain with a loved one, God, or the person who is taking something away. For example, bargaining with God to allow more time to live with a terminal diagnosis or bargaining with a significant other to stay in the relationship promising you’ll change bad habits.
This stage of the Grief Process feels very powerless. The key is to focus on things you can actually change or do have control over. Sometimes this may be very little, but focusing on what we can control can be more empowering than what we cannot.
Thank you for reading today and please come back for the last 2 stages!
Written by Alexa Griffith
*Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: Elizabeth Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief
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You can’t go through life without experiencing some sort of loss. Loss can come in varying forms, such as loss of a job, a loved one, your relationship, a friend moving away, your kids growing up, and loss of your dreams and expectations, etc.
Even though you may experience pain from a loss in a different way from another person, you may go through the same stages of the grieving process. This week Imagine Hope wants you to understand that it is important to grieve any loss in your life. If you fail to grieve, you may get stuck in the process and live life feeling like a victim or full of anger and resentment.
The grieving process does not have a set time limit, nor do the steps always go in order. You may also find yourself in several of the steps a various times and flip back and forth. This is normal.
It is also normal to feel yourself grieve each time you experience a trigger. For example, even if it has been 10 years since your mother died, it is common to re-experience the grieving process every year around the anniversary of her death and on her birthday.
Remember that the grieving process can look different for everyone in each stage. There is no “right” way. The most important thing is that someone who is grieving feels it, processes the pain, and moves through the stages. The stages we are going to introduce this week are based on Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s work from 1969, although there have been many versions of this model since then.
Stage #1- Denial
Denial is a defense mechanism that usually lasts for a shorter period of time than the others. You will commonly hear someone say, “I can’t believe this is happening” or “I’m doing fine”. You will often see people live in this stage immediately following a traumatic event in order to survive though it.
Many people planning a funeral will find themselves in this stage in order to complete the planning process. In this stage people are able to compartmentalize their pain from the loss. Denial often lacks emotion and looks like the person is going about life as if nothing happened.
Stay tuned as we look at more stages tomorrow!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Elizabeth Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief
Posted in Grief and Loss | No Comments »
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