Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
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Why Does He Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft is a straightforward book about being in an abusive relationship and abusive men.
Bancroft challenges the myth that abusive men are “out of control” and “don’t know what they are doing”, by describing clear-cut patterns of behavior. He also challenges the myth that even some therapists can fall prey to: blaming his behavior on his past. While most abusers come from a family of origin that is filled with dysfunctional family dynamics, Bancroft describes (from his own experience in counseling with abusive men) how most abusers are well aware of what they are doing and have predictable patterns.
This book teaches that it’s not external influences that create an abuser– it’s not because he had a bad day or that he is stressed about money or his job or any other excuse– it’s a problem with his fundamental value system he has about women.
This blog (and book) isn’t about bashing men– it’s about the serious nature of truly abusive relationships and how to handle the situation if you are a woman who is experiencing an abusive relationship. Being in an abusive relationship can truly feel like “crazy making”, and Bancroft’s book is a must-read for anyone in this situation who is needing guidance.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: abusive relationships, Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?
Posted in Abuse, anger management, boundaries, Marriage, marriage counseling, Narcissism, Relationships | No Comments »
Many people are familiar with co-dependency issues, but do not always understand it’s counterpart: The counterdependent. This week we will help you see the many aspects of counterdependency and the impact is has on relationships.
The following is a story of a counterdependent person:
Sally has been married to Jim for 15 years. They have 2 elementary age boys, and live a fairly good life. Jim is a high-powered businessman in the nearby big city. He likes that many people know his name. Jim works 75+ hours a week and rarely takes time away from his computer and blackberry at home, and he often plays golf with his friends in his down time. Jim demands respect wherever he goes, including at home. His son’s are always begging for more time to play with him, but he often only connects with them through sports. However, the boys are often embarrassed by their dad’s behavior at their games when he yells at anyone who disagrees with him and often stomps off the field after getting kicked out by the referee.
Sally finds herself struggling to meet Jim’s expectations at home. He is a hard man to please. All she wants is to sit down and connect with him on a deeper emotional level, but that rarely happens. Even when they have special date nights it seems like he controls the conversation talking about all the great things he’s doing, or complaining about people who don’t see things his way. He always seems guarded, rarely apologizes for his sharp digs and criticism, and has trouble seeing things that he does as a problem in the relationship.
Do you know someone like Jim? Keep reading through the week to learn more about counterdependency!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in counterdependency, Counterdependency, Marriage, Narcissism, Relationships, Therapy | No Comments »
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be frustrating, overwhelming and challenging. What are some additional signs of destructive narcissism?
Hunger for Admiration
- Becomes overly disappointed when his/her efforts aren’t openly recognized or acknowledged
- Brags or boasts
- Buys things to get others to notice or pay compliments
- Seeks awards, plaques, certificates, trophies, etc.
- Wants others to envy him/her
- Makes sure that others are aware of his/her accomplishments
- Inflates his/her accomplishments
- Engages in self-promotion
- Can’t ever seem to be “filled up” with compliments– no amount of admiration seems to be “enough” (excessive need for admiration)
- Overly sensitive to criticism– as though any hint of criticism is telling them you don’t admire them
- Oblivious to this need for excessive admiration and attention
- Takes credit for unearned accomplishments
- Talks about him or herself at every opportunity
Envious
Envy is wanting what someone else has and feeling that they are not deserving of it as you are. It carries the assumption that the other person is inferior in some what and that, because of your superiority, you should be favored. Many people will have moments of envy, but people who have a destructive narcissistic pattern are envious most of the time. These people will also devalue or put others down who receive the things that they consider to be rightfully theirs. The most common characteristics are:
- They think they are deserving and superior
- They consider others as undeserving and inferior and
- They are consumed with a desire to be envied by others for being more deserving and superior
- Boasting about possessions
- Going into debt to get unnecessary things to impress others
- Takes unearned credit
- Promoting him/herself at every opportunity
- Pointing out where others are inferior or undeserving
- Feels that he/she has to work harder for what he/she gets while others have it given to them
- Feels that he/she is treated unfairly in comparison to others
- Expresses that others have it easier than they do
Expects Favors
- Have an expectation that others will do them favors, but these people should not expect any favors in return
- The destructive narcissist feels that they are making you a special person by getting you to do them a favor, and this should be reward enough for anyone (there is more than a hint of arrogance in this attitude)
- Tells a child to get or do something for him/her, so that he/she doesn’t have to move or stop what he/she is doing
- Asks you to pick up something on your way home, when they could just as easily go and get it.
- Expects that others will do favors for them
- Feels disappointed or rejected when someone refuses them a favor
- Expects children to run personal errands for him/her
- Expects you to use your leisure time to do things for him/her
- Calls your family or friends for favors
- Gets others to do things for him/her that he/she could do on their own
- Becomes upset when someone fails to follow through on a request for a favor
- Has unrealistic expectations when asking for favors
Do you recognize any signs of narcissism from this blog series? Remember that these are only guidelines and a general overview of the many behaviors and attitudes of narcissism. You might find your spouse, partner, family member or friend has some of the troubling behaviors, but not all of them. Also, these descriptors may serve as a personal review for some of the undeveloped narcissism that you have– or unconscious behaviors and attitudes you may have, but might not be as intense as those of a true narcissist, even though they might be affecting your own relationships in negative ways. If so, we encourage you to acknowledge these traits and work on them! For more information on being in a relationship with a narcissist, contact a professional counselor.
Information in this blog is adapted from: “Loving the Self-Absorbed” by Nina W. Brown
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: loving the self-absorbed, narcissism, relationships with a narcissist, signs of narcissism
Posted in counterdependency, Counterdependency, marriage counseling, Narcissism | No Comments »
“The thing with Dickie… it’s like the sun shines on you, and it’s glorious. And then he forgets you and its very, very cold. When you have his attention, you feel like you’re the only person in the world, that’s why everybody loves him so much”. -Marge Sherwood describing the narcissist Dickie Greenleaf in The Talented Mr. Ripley
We are attracted to narcissists for a reason. They can be compared to peacocks: beautiful, attention seeking, and worthy of our attention. However, the more we get to know them, the more we see the negative personality traits associated with the dark side of narcissisms. Have you found yourself in a relationship with a narcissist? Many of us have been there at some point in our lives. Like I said, they can be very attractive at first. Tamara and Teri have mentioned some destructive personality traits of the narcissist to be aware of. Over time, you may also begin to realize your prancing peacock has some of the following traits:
Narrow Range of Emotions:
- The only emotion they show is anger. S/he may say s/he feels other emotions like happy or sad, but there is little feeling behind the word.
- The do not tell others that they like or appreciate anything about them
- Do not express pleasure or delight in pleasing activities that are not directly related to their own benefit.
- Accept other people’s feelings without judgment
- Do not accept responsibility for their own feelings, often blaming others for his or her anger
Lack of Empathy:
- Abruptly changes the topic in a discussion, like s/he did not care what you were talking about
- Becomes distracted or bored when listening to others
- Uncomfortable with people who have intense emotions, tells them to calm down.
- Tells other people what they mean or what their motives are
- Wants details about others or their situations so they can avoid the feelings side of situations
No Sense of Humor:
- Enjoys jokes that focus on characteristics of people from other racial, ethnic, or national origins
- Laughs at sexist jokes
- Laughs at others discomfort or lack of dignity
- Tells sexual or erotic jokes in mixed company
- Does not laugh out loud when the read or hear something funny
- Cannot laugh at themselves
If you have begun to notice any of these characteristics in someone you love or someone who is close to you, we invite you to read Loving the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown, ED.D, LPC, NCC. The above information was taken from the book, but the book also shares how to live with & love a person who can be selfish. Please come back to read more from Natalie and Joleen as we continue writing about narcissism.
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Posted in Emotional needs, Family Issues, Narcissism, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Narcissistic people are those who come across as selfish, mean and make the world all about them. This week we’re talking about the patterns that these type of people tend to live. Here are 3 more personality characteristics:
Inadequacy – this is a pattern you would see over time with a Narcissist:
- feels that other people try to make them feel embarrassed or shamed
- when others disagree with them, they believe that person is trying to show them that they’re “wrong” or “inferior”
- They will not give an opinion or information unless they are absolutely convinced it is correct in every way. This way they can avoid appearing stupid
- They get great satisfaction when they can point out that other people are wrong or mis-informed
Arrogance - this is a pattern you would see over time with a Narcissist:
- They only hang around people they believe to be considered equal or higher status
- Disapproves of people who are uneducated & poor
- Looks at people who don’t have as much as they do as “lazy” or says they “didn’t try hard enough”
- Wants to be seen as superior in every way of life
- Decides to join groups because of the image it displays to others, not because they truly want to join the group
Unique and Special - this is a pattern you would see over time with a Narcissist:
- They get impatient when they have to wait in line (because they think they shouldn’t have to)
- They bend or break rules they think are silly
- They cut in line because they are in a hurry
- Borrow things from people and don’t return them promptly
- They expect to receive special treatment from others
If you start to notice any of these characteristics in someone you love or someone who is close to you, we encourage you to read Loving the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown, ED.D, LPC, NCC. The above information was taken from the book, but the book also shares how to live with & love a person who can be selfish. Thank you for reading!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Posted in coping skills, Narcissism, Relationships, ways to cope | No Comments »
Are you connected with any narcissists in your life? If you know any self-absorbed, entitled people who lack empathy for others, you might be. Narcissism is a common personality we see the effects of often at Imagine Hope. A narcissist can leave a path of pain and woundedness with those he or she touches. That’s why we are covering the traits of a narcissist and their destructive patterns from Nina Brown’s book “Loving the Self-Absorbed” this week. Knowing more about a Narcissist will help you have a healthy distance in your relationships with one in order to survive emotionally.
Entitlement- A Narcissist will commonly show some of the following traits over a period of time:
- Believe they have a right to say or do whatever they want without anyone objecting
- Take credit for others work
- Say cutting or demeaning comments
- Point out others flaws
- Push to have their opinions accepted
- Tell you what you should think
- Make decisions without consulting others
- Insist things be done their way
Grandiosity- A narcissist might show these traits over a time period:
- Feel they are superior to others
- Believe they can “make” others feel something
- Blame others when things go wrong
- Think they are more intelligent or talented than others
- Say things would be better if people listened them
Do any of these sound like someone you know? Keep reading this week for more traits! Thanks for reading!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Entitlement, Grandiose
Posted in Narcissism | No Comments »
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