Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
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Myth #7: Love and Anger are Incompatible
Many people believe that if you really love someone, that means you never get angry at them. Or perhaps you grew up in a house where you didn’t feel loved when someone was angry with you, so as an adult in relationships, you feel that anger means someone is withdrawing love from you. While this might happen in some relationships, typically, this is not true. When someone feels angry with you, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you– it just means they are upset with a behavior you have shown, and is a feeling that indicates something needs to change.
If you believe that you cannot show anger to someone that you love, it will result in bottling up feelings and not sharing them with your partner. Over time, these feelings become toxic and will impact how you relate to that person. The feelings might come out in indirect ways that are hurtful to the relationship. This can often result in the death of the relationship.
The truth is, we can and do feel love and anger at the same time. Just because you are angry with something your partner did, doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Anger is a healthy feeling and unavoidable in intimate relationships. We can’t try to keep them separate and have a healthy relationship. It’s important to learn how to express anger in healthy ways to our partner so they know what we are struggling with and what needs to change.
As Gerald Corey shares, “If you deny your anger, you are negating your love”. It’s hard to feel loving towards someone if we have a bunch of negative feelings bottled up inside. It only keeps us distant from our partner and makes it difficult for them to love us in return.
If you struggle with showing or sharing appropriate anger in your relationship, we encourage you to get help in learning how to do this. Marriage counseling or individual counseling can be a great way to address this. It truly can help turn your relationship into one that is healthier and more intimate!
Adapted from “I Never Knew I Had A Choice” by Gerald Corey
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Gerald Corey, I Never Knew I Had A Choice, Myths About Love
Posted in Codependency, communication, Emotional needs, Individual Therapy, Love, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships, Types of love | No Comments »
Myth #4 -We fall in and out of love. To watch movies or read romance novels, one would believe that love is something that happens to us, not something we engage in. In film, love strikes you and leaves you powerless, lovelorn, and driven by a power outside your control. Classic fairy tales teach women to wait and man will come and sweep her off her feet. These myths prevent people from accepting personal responsibility for what they decide and do when they feel the initial infatuation. The truth is that love is something that people create and grow.
During the initial attraction, or deceivingly put “falling in love”, our brains produce chemicals that feel good and make us want to continue to get to know our new love interest. But after that initial phase of infatuation, the chemicals stop and to love becomes a choice and requires effort. This is where we choose to grow with our partner and develop a love together. If love dies, it is because of neglect or failure to take care of the love. If we are passive and believe that love is something that happens to us or that we fall into, not that we create and maintain, love will surely die. Love is something we choose to share, and choose to receive, and choose to maintain.
Myth # 5-Love is Exclusive. Some people believe that there is only so much room in their heart for a limited supply of love. Some people believe that you can only love one person, and that there is only one person in the world for them. That is not the case. Love is expansive; it grows and replenishes itself as it is given. When we are open to loving others, we can love our partner even more deeply. To be clear, while Eros (romantic love) is usually between two people, Philia (friendship and community love) is healthy while feeling romantically in love. (for more on types of love, see our blog http://www.imaginehopecounseling.com/wmblog/?m=201202&paged=2). We can love our friends and community members and not take away from the love we have for our romantic partners.
Sometimes when two people are in love, one partner wants the other to only be with him or her. S/he becomes jealous when his/her partner has friends or especially friends of the opposite sex. The partner may wonder why the other has to have other friends that they are not giving enough. But humans are creatures of community and are able to love others and still have enough romantic love left for a partner. Jealousy is not love- it is fear. On the other side, lack of jealousy is not indifference. Giving of Philia love does not take away from Eros love. There is room in our hearts for lots of love!
Please follow along the rest of the week as Natalie and Joleen debunk more myths about love. As always, thanks for stopping by!
*Source: “I Never Knew I Had A Choice” by Gerald Corey
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: falling in love, Gerald Corey, I Never Knew I Had A Choice, Myths of love
Posted in boundaries, Companionate Love, Love, Marriage, marriage counseling, Premarital issues, Relationships, Types of love | No Comments »
“Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” – Fred Rogers
During this Valentine’s week, we are talking about different kinds of love. Yesterday, Tamara described Eros, or passionate love. Today we will cover storge (pronounced store- guh) types of love, or love that occurs naturally in a family. Storge doesn’t expect too much, is unconditional, often overlooks the other’s faults and frequently forgives. Storge is the love where we can be comfortable and secure just being in the presence of one another.
In most human conditions, the first love is the love a child has for their parent. This is the “I love you this much!” love. The “I love you to the moon and back love”. This is the love we fight with our siblings for! It’s an overwhelming connection that changes so much throughout a child’s life. Two year olds love their mothers, and 18 year olds love their mothers, but in very different ways! Naturally! This love is the basis for which we judge other types of love that occurs in our lives.
Storge also covers sibling love. I happen to be in the middle of my siblings, so I have love for an older brother and two younger sisters. This love is also fierce, if not always displayed. Sibling relationships change so dynamically from aggravation, to rivalry, to camaraderie ultimately to friendship when the age difference no longer matters. This is the longest lasting love of your life. These guys have seen it all and love you warts and all.
Most recognizable is the love of a parent to their child. We as parents protect what is procreated. It is an instinct, or God given blessing that occurs for the continuance of the species. This love is powerful, sacrificial, affectionate and unrelenting. This love will put you in harm’s way to protect your child. This love also changes much over the life of the parental role. Even though we love our children as they grow we create or allow distance for healthy development. We fiercely love and protect our children only to have to learn to let go when they leave the nest.
Storge love, although dynamic, fluid and changing, has always been and will always be there. We do not know where it came from, but I know it from the perspective of a child, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, aunt, and especially as a mother. Yesterday we showed our love to our Eros lovers. Today, why not show some love in a storge way? Please come back to read Natalie and Joleen’s continued description of love. As always thanks for reading.
Tags: family love, parental love, sibling love, storge
Posted in Love, Parenting, Types of love, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
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