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The Stuffer Who Collects Retaliation Rocks
What do you do with your feelings about small (and not-so-small) situations that happen in your marriage? Do you share them with your spouse and get clarification with them? Do you let them see who you really are? Or do you keep them stuffed away (as Natalie wrote about in yesterday’s post)?
When feeling “unglued”, sometimes we will collect what is termed “Retaliation Rocks”. These are things we use as a weapon for future disagreements. For example: Your spouse doesn’t help with housework, but you don’t say anything to he/she about how this feels. You stuff the feelings away in a corner of your heart. Later on (sometimes years later), your spouse doesn’t initiate a date night and “A-HA!”… You just KNEW it! They don’t love you and don’t feel you are important (not true), so you explode on them, using one incident (or many) about just how “unimportant” you must really be to them! The problem with this is…. it’s not true! You never shared with them how you felt in the first place, but instead kept this information and all of these feelings from your spouse’s knowledge, only to bombard them with feelings later on in a deadly fashion.
Retaliation rocks are things that we keep tucked away and don’t let our spouse see about us and our feelings. These cause bitterness that we keep inside over time, where we might feel annoyed at our spouse and then later on we allow these small things to erupt each time we feel upset about something completely unrelated.
Don’t allow these rocks to sit on your soul. And don’t pull out these “rocks” in moments of retaliation towards your spouse. They will only feel confused and unsafe with you.
Do you collect “retaliation rocks”, only to use them as ammunition towards your spouse later on?
*Source: Unglued: Making Wise Choices In The Midst Of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Lysa Terkeurst, retaliation rocks, Unglued, What Kind of Unglued Am I?
Posted in anger management, Anxiety, boundaries, Codependency, communication, coping skills, Counterdependency, Individual Therapy, Intimacy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Premarital issues, Premarriage Counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
What Kind of Unglued Are You? Exploder Who Blames Others:
Like Tamara mentioned yesterday, you don’t have to be a yeller in order to be an exploder. An exploder can be someone who uses a particular, condescending tone, or knows just the right words to say to hit where it hurts.
Another type of exploder is one who blames others when they come unglued. Nothing is going right, and the next thing you know you are saying something along the lines of “If you did/didn’t do blah blah blah, we might actually be able to blah blah blah”. Sound familiar?
This exploder tends to struggle with coping with chaos, change, or anytime the planets don’t line up just right. Their emotional reactivity is always someone else’s fault, and they justify it accordingly. “If you had put your coat on the first time I asked you to, we wouldn’t be late, and I wouldn’t be angry at you”. You, you, you, you!
After they come unglued, they may feel better for getting all the emotion and “yuck” out. However, the high is only temporary–eventually they start to feel regret for the harsh words, blaming, and anger that they directed towards their spouse, family, friends, coworkers, etc. But, they will reject the regret by once again blaming someone else and justifying their actions, and the vicious cycle of blaming others continues.
Self-awareness is the first step in changing. Instead of blaming others for the decisions you make, take responsibility-own it-and make changes. Apologize when you need to, put yourself in check. Learn healthier ways to get your point across.
Check back tomorrow as we talk about the Stuffer Who Builds Barriers. Thanks for reading!
*Source: Unglued: Making Wise Choices In The Midst Of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst
Written by: Christy Fogg, MSW, LCSW
Christy Fogg, MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Christy enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Christy also provides family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling.
Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa Terkeurst
Posted in anger management, Healthy Living, stress | No Comments »
The Exploder Who Shames Themselves:
When we think of exploders, we tend to have a vision of a person that is loud, yelling and maybe even throwing things. This is definitely an exploder. But, there’s also a different type of exploder.
Exploders don’t have to be loud at all. They can be people who just have a “tone”. You know what I mean? The tone that says, “You’re not doing what I want, you’re doing it in a wrong way, and oh buddy, are you gonna pay”. Yeah, that tone. That condescending tone that makes you either have goosebumps or makes your blood pressure rise.
Generally exploders get set off when someone is rude to them, they feel offended or disrespected. They then believe they have to be stern back in order to make their point. Exploders feel entitled to be rude or stern back – I mean c’mon, the other person was rude first, right?
However, hours later or a day later, an exploder will beat themselves up and feel lots of shame for what they said or did in response. Their shame will say, “Wow, so-and-so would have never said that. They would have handled it so much better”. Or, “You always lose your cool. When are you ever going to learn and get it together?”. Better yet, “You’re always going to be like this. You’re always going to be at the mercy of your feelings”.
Truth be told, those are all lies. Things can change. Beating yourself up will not result in change. Feeling convicted of doing something wrong is a good sign – just use it for good, not punishing yourself.
I have to admit, I’m an exploder who shames herself. For an example that describes a situation that fits this type of Unglued, read how I almost came Unglued by exploding – and how it played out: http://www.imaginehopecounseling.com/twblog
As Teri mentioned yesterday, you may fit into all the categories depending on the situation or relationship. Check back in tomorrow to read about The Exploder Who Blames Others. Thanks for reading!
*Source: Unglued: Making Wise Choices In The Midst Of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: Lysa Terkeurst, Unglued, Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa Terkeurst
Posted in anger management, Healthy Living, stress | No Comments »
Let’s admit it…we all come unglued at times. Some of us are loud and reactive, others let the frustration simmer until and explosion happens, while others stuff the emotion so deep it blocks them from connection.
How do you “do” unglued?
Lysa Terkeurst, in her book “Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions”, helps us understand the 2 main ways people come unglued…by exploding and stuffing.
Exploding means that you are pushing emotion outward. It doesn’t matter if it is a loud temper tantrum, or a quiet passive aggressive dig. Most exploders feel better at first to get it all out, but that often goes away when they realize that pain has been caused by the explosion. There are 2 types of exploders: Ones who shame themselves and ones who blames other.
Stuffing is when people push their emotion inward. As the hurt wallows inside it grows and hardens like a rock to be thrown later, or like a wall to block others from getting close. There are 2 types of stuffers: Ones who build barriers and ones who collect retaliation rocks.
Which one are you? A stuffer? An exploder? What about both! It isn’t uncommon to fit into both categories depending on the situation and/or people you are interacting with.
Read the rest of the week about both types of exploders and stuffers! Remember that building insight around these issues is the first step to changing them!
Source: Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa Terkeurst
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa Terkeurst
Posted in anger management, coping skills, stress | No Comments »
So far, we have seen 17 different signs that can tell you if you might have hidden anger. As Natalie and Tammy have shared, many of them can mimic signs of depression. In 18-23, you might also recognize these signs of hidden anger can also feel similar to anxiety.
18. Clenched jaws– especially while sleeping.
19. Facial tics, spasmodic foot movements, habitual fist clenching and similar repeated physical acts done unintentionally or unaware.
20. Grinding of teeth– especially while sleeping.
21. Chronic depression… extended periods of feeling down for no reason.
22. Chronically stiff or sore neck or shoulder muscles.
23. Stomach ulcers.
There is a lot of research out there that suggests that people with hidden resentments and anger have higher instances of physical illness and disease such as cancer and heart disease. Are you struggling with unresolved, hidden anger? It could be very beneficial for you to dive into this! Find out what it’s all about and gain peace within your heart, mind, and body today!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in anger management, Anxiety, Codependency, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
As Tamara and Teri have shared this week, there are many signs of Hidden Anger. Are you relating to any of them? As Tamara mentioned, it is interesting how many of the signs are closely related to the same signs of Depression. That is because sometimes Depression is unresolved anger that we have held onto for a long time. Anger festers and eats away at our very core and creates psychological and physical changes in us. Here are some more signs for you to think about:
12. Slowing down of movements: When you notice yourself being slower than you usually are and on a regular basis, not just having one day that you are dragging.
13. Getting tired more easily than usual: It takes a lot of energy to carry around all that anger so you are going to feel it in your body.
14.Excessive irritability over trifles: Many people normally experience this after not sleeping well one night or near PMS. But we are talking about on a regular basis again.
15. Getting drowsy at inappropriate times: Again, Anger= less energy= more tired
16. Sleeping more than usual- maybe 12-14 hours a day. Are you seeing a pattern here with the energy level??
17. Waking up tired rather than rested or refreshed.
As you can see, these do go hand in hand with Depression. When you are feeling these symptoms, you may be starting to battle Depression because the anger is getting so intense. Next week we will address Depression but continue reading tomorrow to find out the last 6 signs from Joleen. Thank you for reading.
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Posted in anger management, depression, stress | No Comments »
As we continue to talk about anger, some of these next few may be surprising. Alone, they can be signs of depression or sleeping disorder problems. The key is to pay attention to see if you identify with most of these hidden anger signs. If you do, seek help.
6. Over politeness, constant cheerfulness, an attitude of “grin and bear it”.
7. Smiling when hurting.
8. Frequent disturbing or frightening dreams.
9. Over-controlled monotone (speech that does not vary in pitch) when speaking.
10. Difficulty in getting to sleep or sleeping through the night.
11. Boredom, apathy, loss of interest in things you are usually enthusiastic about.
Keep reading as we have 12 more signs to share!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: hidden anger
Posted in anger management, stress, Therapy | No Comments »
Teri did a great job yesterday explaining the primary emotions. A reminder is that the primary feeling words are Angry, Sad, Afraid, Lonely, Ashamed and Guilty.
We’re discussing how defenses get in the way of showing our feelings.
When we use Sarcasm, are Threatening toward others, or Attacking in our words or actions (all defensive behavior), other people see us as stubborn, defiant and/or hostile.
Our defenses hide our feelings, and therefore others aren’t able to understand how we really feel about situations if all they see are our defenses.
For example, sarcasm is generally hidden anger, or sadness that has hardened. People generally use sarcasm when they’re hurt or frustrated with someone. Threatening behavior is connected to feelings of being afraid or anxious, or can even be connected to feeling lonely (feeling left out or forgotten).
The goal is to share the feeling, making yourself vulnerable as Teri mentioned yesterday, so that you no longer have to hide your feelings.
Thank you for reading and please check back in as the week continues for we have several more defenses to share!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: feelings and defenses
Posted in anger management, communication, Relationships | No Comments »
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