Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
13. How do you feel when your partner arrives home after being away? This is a good barometer for how you feel about your partner. Do you look forward or dread seeing them after time apart. Absence should make the heart grow fonder, not resentful.
14. Is your partner your best friend? Friendship, playfulness and respect are all healthy and essential components of a healthy loving relationship. Is your partner the first one you want to tell when you have exciting news, or when you need encouragement? Are you a good friend to your partner?
15. Is there a secret you are keeping that if your partner knew, you would feel you would lose them? This question speaks to trust, vulnerability, and shame. Secrets foster shame and make vulnerability seem bigger than it is. Secrets destroy trust which is essential to a lasting relationship. If you are keeping secrets, it is important to ask yourself what that means.
16. Do you feel that your partner accepts you? Authentic love knows who you are. Are you the real deal with your partner? Does your partner accept that you are imperfectly beautiful in your own right? Do you have to put on a show or wear a mask to keep your partner or do you allow yourself to be the true you around them?
17. When did you realize you had fallen in love and how do you feel when you think about it? Falling in love is often an exciting time! You have lots of feel good hormones flowing enabling you to get close to your partner. Sometimes people feel scared, or apprehensive, or angry, or vulnerable, or elated, or excited, or relieved! How did you feel?
18. Have you seen each other at your best and worst? Now, we don’t all need to catch a nasty stomach bug and do all that in plain view of our partner. However, we can wake up without the need to be completely dressed and presentable before she wakes up. Can you imagine him showing up early for your date while you are still in yoga pants and sweaty from your Zumba class? What would be the reaction?
These are all good questions to ponder. Tomorrow Natalie will help us with identifying more helpful ways to look at our relationships. As always, thanks for stopping by!
*Source: 30 Questions To Help If You Have Doubts About Your Relationship by Terez Williamson by tinybudda.com
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling.
Tags: Terez Williamson, Tinybudda.com
Posted in Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Premarital issues, Relationships | No Comments »
The subject of ambiguous loss is a relatively new one to me, as it relates to therapy, but is one that we frequently see with our clients (as well as in our own lives!). Pauline Boss’ book “Ambiguous Loss: Learning To Live With Unresolved Grief” is one of the most amazing books I have read so far this spring!
What is Ambiguous Loss?
Ambiguous Loss is when you have no closure with loss, or when loss is surrounded by uncertainty and ambiguity– examples of this are divorce, addictions, infidelity, dealing with an aging parent, coping with the loss of a missing child, dealing with a relationship breakup, just to name a few. Unlike death, which has finality and an ending, ambiguous loss can be traumatic in that the survivors of this type of loss still have to deal with so much uncertainty in the healing process. The two ways Boss explains this type of loss: When a person is present physically, but is psychologically or emotionally absent (e.g., divorce, relationship break up, mental illness, alzheimer’s disease)– or when a person is physically absent, but is still psychologically or emotionally present (e.g., a missing child, a soldier who is missing in action).
This book not only explains ambiguous loss, but helps the reader to recognize how this type of loss is surrounded by fluctuating feelings of hope to hopelessness, while trying to make sense and find meaning in such loss.
If you recognize an area where you might be dealing with ambiguous loss, this book is highly recommended!
For clinician’s working with Ambiguous Loss in therapy, Pauline Boss’ book “Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss” is a great reference in working with clients, as well.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Ambiguous Loss, Learning to live with unresolved grief, Loss Trauma and Resilience, Pauline Boss
Posted in Abandonment, addictions, Affairs, Anxiety, coping skills, depression, Divorce, Family Issues, Grief and Loss, Individual Therapy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships, Relationships, Suicide, Therapy | No Comments »
Carry On Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton
I do not follow many blogs, but there are some I follow regularly: Brene Brown’s Ordinarycourage.com; Jenny Lawson’s thebloggess.com; Andrea Owen’s Yourkickasslife.com and finally Glennon Melton’s Momastery.com. All of them have published wonderful useful entertaining books in the last year, so I was so excited two weeks ago when my copy of Carry On Warrior by Glennon Melton arrived in the magical brown Amazon box at my door! I immediately told my husband and sons to go do something manly because I was headed to the bathtub to read and did not want to be disturbed.
If you follow momastery.com, you are familiar with Glennon’s story. She is a mother of of three children who writes for her own popular blog site as well as Huffington Post. Even if you do not follow her, you have likely read some of her viral posts like “Don’t Carpe Deum” and “A Mountain I’m Willing to Die On”. If you have not read these posts, you should.
Glennon is someone most of us can relate to. Although she has a checkered past, she has learned from her addictions, eating disorders, recovery and redemption. She is candidly honest about her imperfect life, maternal experiences, and close relationship with God, painful marital struggles, and tender caring heart. Glennon believes that women should stop competing with being suspicious of, and stop hiding from our honest selves. Her blog is a place where we stop making parenting and marriage harder by pretending that it’s not hard. Glennon emphasizes three main thoughts through her work: She teaches us “We can do hard things” and “We belong to each other” and “Love Wins”.
I enjoyed learning more about Glennon’s story through her book. I especially enjoy hearing about parenting challenges since they make me feel more normal in my own parenting journey. Her writing is familiar and funny and feels like reading a letter from a long lost friend. The book made me laugh and cry throughout. Others are touting this book as self-help but I do not see it that way. I read it as more of a connection to another human’s amazing story.
If you are looking for a light beach read, and to regain some centeredness in the often competitive world of wifedom and motherhood, this is the book for you. And if you get a chance, read her post called For Maggie Who Lost Her Lobster. Awesome beautiful post on addiction and loss. Enjoy!
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling.
Tags: Carry On Warrior, Glennon Doyle Melton, Momastery.com
Posted in addictions, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Parenting, Relationships, Womens issues | No Comments »
Why Do People Have Trust Issues?
Most of us have been hurt at some point in our history. Some of us still have wounds from those hurts. It takes a lot of brave work to heal some of those wounds. When we have pain from lies, betrayals, disappointments, and abandonment that is not healed, that pain can cause a person to have real trouble trusting others and establishing intimacy. Relationships where there are trust issues can experience challenges.
Trust is a feeling that humans need to establish connections to others. It is an essential part of our humanity. Its okay to wonder who to trust, or be cautious in trusting. That has probably served you well in keeping you safe! But we all have to trust someone. When we cannot establish trust with anyone, unhappiness is sure to follow.
Are you protecting yourself from disappointment? Has someone disappointed you? Have you had great expectations of a friendship, romance, or family relationship only to be let down? These feelings can cause us to develop trust issues. We like to believe that if we armor up, we can make ourselves invincible. However, while that armor may help protect us from pain, it also prevents us from feeling joy. We cannot simply numb our pain. When we numb, we numb all of our feelings.
Are you protecting yourself from betrayal? Perhaps you have been betrayed in your past. Perhaps someone has caused you great pain by lying to you or hurting you. Feeling betrayed can make us feel vulnerable and feel the need to armor up. But remember, that armor only prevents you from feeling anything at all. You cannot feel joy or connection with all of that protection.
Are you protecting yourself from abandonment? In your life, someone may not have shown up for you like you needed. This may have caused feelings of abandonment. When people are not there for us like we expected or needed, it makes it difficult to let others do so who are willing and able. That same armor gets in the way of others getting close, or allowing you to feel close to others. Fear of abandonment creates trust issues.
Please come back tomorrow when Natalie talks about how to rebuild trust! You can feel, trust, connect again. As always, thanks for stopping by!
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling.
Tags: betrayal, Lying, trust, trust issues
Posted in Abandonment, Emotional needs, Relationships, Relationships | No Comments »
By now, you are aware of what “enmeshment” is and how to know if you are in an enmeshed relationship (see earlier blog posts this week).
What are the dangers of being in an enmeshed relationship?
Loss of self. When you are in an enmeshed relationship, you lose your identity. You ultimately lose the parts of your “self” that made the other person fall in love with you to begin with! (Unless you never let them see your true “self”!). It ultimately will feel like you are living your life how you want to, which causes unhappiness and a lack of fulfillment.
Over time, this loss of self can create resentment towards the other person, as well as depression. You may end up feeling like the other person is controlling you (even though you are the one who is allowing it to happen).
You might also feel as though you don’t know who you are– your identity is so wrapped up in another person, you might not know whether you could exist apart from them. This can create a host of other issues if something would happen to your significant other. Some people who lose their spouse through death, struggle for quite some time in not only coming to terms with the loss, but not knowing how to function apart from the other person.
A loss of your voice. In enmeshed relationships, much like codependency, one person is more likely to give up their “voice”. They might stop saying no when they need to, or begin to go along with what the other person wants, for fear of allowing the other person to see their differences. Differences and a separate sense of self are all healthy in relationships, to a certain degree. Not allowing yourself to have a voice in the relationship can create a very unbalanced relationship where the power is all with another person (you don’t have a healthy amount of personal power and freedom).
Do any of this week’s blog posts sound like you? If so, we encourage you to begin working on breaking free from enmeshment to a healthier you!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: enmeshment
Posted in addictions, boundaries, Codependency, depression, Emotional needs, Individual Therapy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Parenting, Relationship Addiction, Relationships, Relationships | No Comments »
This week, Imagine Hope is discussing how defenses can be used to mask or avoid feelings, especially the feelings of anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, shame guilt. Now that we have learned some of the defenses and what feelings they can mask, how does this impact us in our lives?
Not dealing with feelings can cause a host of issues, such as depression, anxiety, issues with reactivity or rage (an extreme form of unhealthy anger), and other issues.
Today we will cover some different resources that might be helpful to you if you often find your defenses covering up your feelings:
Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky
The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne
Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Gary Chapman
Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
Guilt is the Teacher, Love is the Lesson by Joan Borysenko
Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection by John Cacioppo, PhD
We hope you find these resources helpful! Did you see any defenses in yourself from this week’s blog?
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Dennis Greenberger, Edmund Bourne, Gary Chapman, Guilt is the Teacher Love is the Lesson, Healing the Shame That Binds You, Joan Borysenko, John Bradshaw, John Cacioppo, Loneliness, mind over mood, The Anxiety and Phobia workbook
Posted in Anxiety, boundaries, Codependency, communication, coping skills, depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional needs, Family Issues, Healthy Living, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships, Relationships | No Comments »
The beginning of relationships can feel like fireworks. The passion, the desire to see them and talk to them, and the drug like euphoria are all common parts of the enmeshment phase of a relationship.
But how do you keep it going? We get asked this question daily at Imagine Hope. Of course life gets comfortable, conflict changes things, and the euphoria dies down a bit. This week we will share some simple ways to help your relationship have some of that spark again. Remember if you don’t put the effort in, nothing will change!
Don’t Stop Dating Each Other
Time together is vital to feeling close and connected. Remember the days when you would take the time to look nice, put on some good clothes, and go out together.
Just because you have been together for a long time and feel comfortable doesn’t mean you should stop showing your partner your best and not go out together. Sit down and slow down your busy lives over a fun activity or nice meal. Having a date night several times a month will give you more opportunity to connect.
Make sure you both have a say so about what you do on your dates. Maybe take turns planning them. It’s important that both of you feel fulfilled and you have a balance of fun and connection time.
Also come ready to SHARE more than just information exchange. Yes, the details of day to day life are important- but think about the deeper experiences that affect you in life (good and bad) and dig into some good conversation.
If money is a stressor, there are many free or low cost options. Get creative! Many younger people date on a tight budget and have fun- you can too! Don’t make excuses here.
If you want fireworks, you have to put the time in to help create them. Date nights are an easy way to make that happen.
Check in tomorrow for more ideas to help your marriage regain that spark!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Emotional needs, Love, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships, Relationships | No Comments »
People love love. Romance can be like a drug to many. But the danger of this is that people don’t truly understand what love is. They bring misconceptions about love into their relationship and end up with hurt feelings, confusion, and sometimes the ending of the relationship.
Because society has such an impact on how we view love (and we know how twisted our society’s lens of the world can be!), we want to help our readers understand the myths about love that could be doing damage in their relationships.
We are sharing from Gerald Corey’s book, “I never knew I had a choice”, and how the thoughts we have about love might keep us from feeling loved. When we have false beliefs about love, they might block the ability for love to sink in.
Myth #1- Love is Eternal
The intense feelings of love at the beginning of a relationship can be awesome, but sometimes people believe that stage of love should happen all through the relationship.
When you believe that the love shown on chick-flicks and heard on the radio must be sustained, you set yourself up for disappointment. It is unrealistic to keep up the love struck feeling long term.
As a person grows and matures, we expect them to change, right? The same is true for a relationship. As a couple grows and matures in their relationship, their love will change.
The love can deepen through good times and through conflict. You can experience a richness that is much more intense than the beginning phases of a relationship.
Some couples struggle with the changes. They fight for the love struck feeling and end up growing apart in different directions. They miss out on the chance to experience the depth that love can change into by believing that love is eternal.
Make sure you adjust the expectation of love as you grow as a couple. It will be much more fulfilling in the long run!
We hope you are able to see how your ideas of love are impacting your relationship. When you view love in a realistic way, you are much more likely to get the love you need in your relationship. Check in tomorrow for more!
Source: “I Never Knew I Had A Choice” by Gerald Corey
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Divorce, Love, Marriage, marriage counseling, Premarital issues, Premarriage Counseling, Relationships, Relationships | No Comments »
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