Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
This week, Imagine Hope is discussing the Serenity Prayer and it’s meaning. So far, we have gone through serenity, courage and change. Today we will discuss wisdom.
The serenity prayer states “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.“ Sometimes, when life hands us unfortunate circumstances, we struggle with recognizing what IS and IS NOT in our power to change or control. If we are unaware of what we don’t have the power to change, trying to change those things can lead to a lot of frustration and feelings of helplessness.
Having the widsom of what we can and cannot change is a key part of feeling serenity and being at peace. When we try and change things out of our control (like other people), we definitely can’t have serenity… and it usually brings us the exact opposite of what we are hoping for! Have you ever had someone try and control or change something about you? How did you feel when that person tried to change you? How did you respond to their attempts at trying to control or change you? This usually doesn’t feel very good to be on the receiving end of. Our healthiest relationships are where we don’t try to control or change the other person, but instead, share with them how we are feeling and what we are needing, and decide for ourselves what WE can change about ourselves to make the situation better. Even then, it’s up to the other person to decide whether or not it is something they are willing to change and it’s up to us to decide what we are willing to do differently.
On the flip side, have you ever tried to change something or someone that didn’t want to change? How did it feel when you were trying to “make” them or the situation change? Usually, this feels exhausting and frustrating– and it rarely works. If the person or situation changes, it isn’t authentic– it’s coerced. The other person ends up feeling manipulated and pushed into making changes, which hardly ever results in long term change.
One of the things we ask our clients in therapy is: What are you doing or not doing that is allowing you to be in this situation? This is a powerful example of gaining wisdom into what we can and cannot change. At the end of the day, the only thing we can truly change is ourselves– whether that means changing our reactions to others, changing how much power we give them over us, changing our boundaries with others and what we allow from them, or changing our own situation somehow. Having the wisdom to know the difference means feeling empowered and taking responsibility for own lives and happiness. Do you have the wisdom to know the difference between what you have the power to change and what you can’t?
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.” -Reinhold Niebuhr
Note: The full version of the serenity prayer is shown above, though the most common use for the serenity prayer is the beginning portion, which we have highlighted in this weeks blog. For more information on the history and meaning of the serenity prayer in it’s entirety, go to www.thevoiceforlove.com/serenity-prayer.html
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in addictions, Codependency, counterdependency, Family Issues, Relationship Addiction, Relationships, Sex Addiction, Workaholism | No Comments »
A child naturally feels wants and has needs. This is built into them as babies- we are helpless, therefore we need and want things from our caretakers.
In a dysfunctional family, a child can become too dependent on their family or even anti-dependent (meaning they are without needs or wants).
When a family is enmeshed (overly-close or each member does not have their own sense of self), a child can become too dependent on their parents or siblings to tell them decide how to think, feel, act, or even what they like. They become overly needy to others and struggle with independence and having a healthy sense of self.
Sometimes. a child can also go to the other extreme and become anti-dependent. Maybe their parents have enough problems of their own so the child feels they can’t have any needs (to take care of their parents needs). Or sometimes, if there is an addiction or other challenges within the family, the child’s needs aren’t met, so they learn to meet their own needs. Their attitude becomes, “I don’t need anyone else- I’ll take care of myself!”
Both of these create challenges in adult relationships.
The person who is needy has challenges in their relationships because it often feels one-sided and their partner or friend may feel drained. They also struggle with understanding who they really are without someone telling them how to think, feel, act, or telling them what they like. This type of neediness is a set up for codependency as well. (For more reading on this topic, search codependency on our blog page- great stuff!)
The person who doesn’t need anything or anyone creates challenges as well. Their partners or friends feel the relationship is one-sided. They never need anything so their friends don’t have an opportunity to reciprocate. It also can create a person to become counterdependent where the person doesn’t even consider someone else’s thoughts or feelings in the relationship because they are so independent. (For more info on counterdependency do a search on our blog for that as well.)
Both types can create a lack of balance in regards to needs. We all have needs but also don’t want to become a burden for others. It’s important to find a middle ground.
It’s important for parents to meet children’s needs and when they are old enough, to help them identify and voice their needs to others. It is also important to teach them balance in taking care of their appropriate needs as well as helping others but with good boundaries and limitations.
Thank you for reading. Tomorrow Joleen will finish out this blog series with one more thing to think about. Have a great day!
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: Affects of Dysfunctional Families Chi
Posted in boundaries, Codependency, communication, counterdependency, Family Issues, Parenting, Relationships | No Comments »
This week, as a tribute to the Halloween season, we are talking about masks. Every day we can unknowingly put on different masks that hide us from various things we need in life: intimacy, self-worth, love, belonging, identity, and freedom. So far this week, we have discussed the masks of Shame, Codependency and Addiction. Today we will talk about the mask of Counterdependency.
What is the mask of Counterdependency– what does it look like?
Counterdependents wear a mask that shows the outside world a “tough outer shell” with various traits that represent strength and success (though as you read through this, picture the parts of this “mask” as hiding or covering up a very insecure, needy and vulnerable person underneath). Some of the main Counterdependent traits that make up their mask include:
- grandiose, or overly confident (to the point of being cocky)
- Presenting to others that they are “always right” ( Their way is the “right” way and they are “always right”)
- Controlling
- Success driven, to the point of being a workaholic
- Independent– Not good at being vulnerable and “needy”
- Non-emotional or emotionally cut off
- Abrasive
- Show anger as a main feeling
- Very visionary– Counterdependents have great plans for the future to make them more successful, but little follow through
- Not in touch with their own limitations (Counterdependents aren’t good at recognizing when they feel sick and taking care of themselves when they need to go to the doctor, sleeping when their body tells them they are tired, etc.)
How can this mask impact a Counterdependent’s life?
Being successful can be a wonderful thing, but it can also destroy relationships if someone becomes so focused on success and a workaholic to the point where they aren’t able to invest in their relationships. A Counterdependent’s difficulty with being vulnerable, expressing the full range of emotion, and allowing themselves to be in touch with even healthy needs, causes them to have difficulty with intimacy, which causes the partner of a Counterdependent to feel alone– like they don’t really “know” their partner. It also causes a Counterdependent’s children to feel a lack of authentic connection with their parent because the Counterdependent is often not present physically (often due to work), or might not know how to “let go” and have fun through play on their child’s level. Their abrasiveness, use of anger, and having to always be “right” and in control doesn’t allow for mutual give and take in a relationship, can intimidate the people around the Counterdependent, keeps people at a distance from the Counterdependent, and doesn’t allow relationships to be an intimate, two-way street. Because of these traits, Counterdependents can often find themselves in the position where they lose many relationships and have relationships that are highly conflictual. Not recognizing their limitations can cause premature death (not going to the doctor because they can “tough it out”, when there is really a life threatening illness that eventually takes their life), burn-out, and a loss of relationships.
What Can Help?
It’s important for a Counterdependent to recognize that the behaviors they have adopted to protect them early on in childhood, actually keep them isolated and many times, alone. Addressing the fear that drives the counterdependent behaviors and learning how to be in touch with the full range of human emotion can improve relationships and help the counterdependent realize that they do, in fact, have needs. Learning how to recognize their limitations and nurture themselves, as well as having intimacy and nurturing their relationships is imperative in their recovery process. Also, acknowledging that the “mask” of Counterdependency is only just that– a “mask”, and realizing that they really are trying to protect themselves from feeling the fear, vulnerable, insecure parts of who they really are, is very important to moving past Counterdependent behaviors. Many times, with Counterdependency, professional counseling with a therapist who has knowledge of Counterdependency is needed for healing and growth to begin.
So, which “masks” did you see in yourself from this week’s blog? We would love to hear from you!
References:
Counterdependency: The Flight From Intimacy by Janae and Barry Weinhold
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: counterdependency, The Masks We Wear
Posted in counterdependency, Counterdependency, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
By now, you have heard the characteristics of Counterdependency. But what do you do if you’re in a relationship with one or work with one who refuses to address their issues or get into recovery?
1. Get into recovery yourself. When one person begins changing and growing towards being healthier, it has a direct impact on those around them– even if they won’t work on their own issues through counseling. Learning how you contribute to the relational issues (even if it’s in a passive way), can provide your relationship with changes that happen through your individual growth. You may not be the one who is directly causing the issues, but you might be the one that is allowing them to be in your life!
2. Don’t argue with a Counterdependent. Because Counterdependent’s are “always right” and the way they argue is usually grandiose and often times destructively critical and contemptuous, it can prove to be more frustrating than healthy to engage in arguements where you can’t ever seem to be heard. This doesn’t mean to avoid conflict, but rather to choose your battles, and agree to disagree. Know your own truth, and don’t become engaged in contemptuous, belittling, rageful, grandiose, or attacking and unhealthy conflict. Learn appropriate detachment through a professional counselor.
3. Don’t feed into their grandiosity. Many times a Codependent will become involved with a Counterdependent, whether through work or relationship. Initially, the Codependent will feed the Counterdependent’s inflated ego and grandiosity. This doesn’t mean to withhold positive interactions and compliments, but do so in truth and not out of a place of seeking approval.
4. Above all else, keep your boundaries! Counterdependents can be pretty oblivious to the boundaries of those around them– whether boundaries of physical space and time (standing too close, consistently showing up extremely late to meetings or committments with little remorse), emotion, thought, or sexual boundaries. It is so important to not only set firm boundaries about what you will and will not allow with a Counterdependent, but even more important to follow through with the consequences of violating a boundary. Boundaries with no follow through have no power.
5. Find your own sense of “self”, independent from the Counterdependent. Many times, a Counterdependent takes ownership of the relational identity, including the majority of the “power”. If you find that you are “dependent” on this person to make you feel good about yourself or “worthy”, find other ways that are healthier (and come from the inside) to have a better self esteem and self image. Find your own hobbies and interests that make you feel good about yourself. Develop healthy relationships outside of the Counterdependent. If it’s a work environment, develop healthy relationships with your co-workers that help promote a good support system for a healthier work environment. Don’t wait around on a Counterdependent to give you the things you can be giving yourself already. After all, it doesn’t usually feel very good to someone when you make them totally responsible for your own happiness! Take ownership of your own happiness, and you will feel much more rewarded.
These are just a few of the things you can do to help you grow as a person, and keep your sanity if a Counterdependent refuses to get into recovery. For more information, feel free to give one of our relationship experts a call!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: counterdependency
Posted in boundaries, Codependency, counterdependency, Family Issues, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Many people are familiar with co-dependency issues, but do not always understand it’s counterpart: The counterdependent. This week we will help you see the many aspects of counterdependency and the impact is has on relationships.
The following is a story of a counterdependent person:
Sally has been married to Jim for 15 years. They have 2 elementary age boys, and live a fairly good life. Jim is a high-powered businessman in the nearby big city. He likes that many people know his name. Jim works 75+ hours a week and rarely takes time away from his computer and blackberry at home, and he often plays golf with his friends in his down time. Jim demands respect wherever he goes, including at home. His son’s are always begging for more time to play with him, but he often only connects with them through sports. However, the boys are often embarrassed by their dad’s behavior at their games when he yells at anyone who disagrees with him and often stomps off the field after getting kicked out by the referee.
Sally finds herself struggling to meet Jim’s expectations at home. He is a hard man to please. All she wants is to sit down and connect with him on a deeper emotional level, but that rarely happens. Even when they have special date nights it seems like he controls the conversation talking about all the great things he’s doing, or complaining about people who don’t see things his way. He always seems guarded, rarely apologizes for his sharp digs and criticism, and has trouble seeing things that he does as a problem in the relationship.
Do you know someone like Jim? Keep reading through the week to learn more about counterdependency!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in counterdependency, Counterdependency, Marriage, Narcissism, Relationships, Therapy | No Comments »
Do you have a difficult person in your life? Perhaps it’s a boss, or a relative– or maybe a co-worker… or even a spouse! This week, Imagine Hope is discussing the different types of “difficult people” and some ways to cope more effectively with each type. Today we will cover the last type of difficult person: The Know-it-all!
The Know-it-all is a strongly opinionated, competitive, imposing, pompous and intimidating person. They often try to make others feel foolish or dumb. This type of difficult person might actually say demeaning or shaming things about you in front of others. Their put-downs might feel not only overwhelming, but make it intimidating to speak up around this person. No matter what you say to this difficult person, they can “top” you, and you don’t ever feel like you can “win” with this person, much less feel heard– they are always “right” (and you can’t seem to do ANYTHING right in their eyes!!). Dealing with this type of person in a group setting can feel like you are being squished like a bug!
What to do when dealing with a Know-it-all:
Realize that behind the know-it-all mask is someone who is very insecure. Look at their arrogance as insecurity under the surface.
Know your facts. Ask them to state their facts behind statements, and restate views if necessary. Allow them to save face when they are inaccurate. Deal with this person alone when necessary.
Don’t take it personally, and don’t take everything they say as factual.
Don’t let them get away with things that do not add up based on the facts. You can call this person out, but it’s important to keep your fear on the back burner (don’t let them see your intimidation). Try to quiet your inner voice that makes you feel nervous or ashamed around this person, and keep reminding yourself that they are really insecure under all of that bravado shown on the outside! Remember: No one can take your personal power away from you unless you allow them to (under most circumstances).
Agree to disagree, or table the conversation for another time. Getting into a power struggle will be draining and self-defeating. Being able to say “I will agree to disagree”, helps you keep your appropriate personal power, while still taking care of yourself.
We hope this week’s blog has been helpful for you– especially if you recognize that you regularly interact with a difficult person! As always, thank you for joining us this week…
Resources:
“People Skills” by Robert Bolton, Ph.D.; “Dealing With Difficult People” by R. Cava; “Since Strangling Isn’t an Option” by Sandra A. Crowe; “Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People” by Mark Lauderdale, MD, FRCFC
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in anger management, boundaries, Codependency, counterdependency, Counterdependency, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships, ways to cope | No Comments »
This week, Imagine Hope is discussing the different types of messages we give to others in our communication– termed “Garbage Messages” or “Flower Messages”. In review, garbage messages are negative and hurtful or demeaning, while flower messages are those that help us feel better about ourselves and sound more uplifting and positive. As you read through this week’s blog, keep in mind some of these questions: What are some of the rules and messages you brought from the family you lived in? How many of them made you feel an increased value about yourself and how many of them made you feel bad about yourself? Chances are, if you had garbage messages or flower messages in your family system as a child, you are likely to have them as an adult. Here are some more flower messages:
- It’s a pleasure to work with you. This is a great one for those you appreciate at work. One of the things I noticed at various businesses in this area is when you say “Thank you”, they respond with “my pleasure” rather than “your welcome”. Sometimes, our words of affirmation get so automatic, we respond without really putting much thought into what we are saying. This flower message conveys appreciation on a deeper level.
- I like you just the way you are. Even though this sounds a little like a song from the 60′s, it is a great way to tell someone (especially your spouse!) that you love them for ALL of them… even their faults!
- It’s okay to have a lot of feelings. Many of us grew up in homes where certain feelings were “off limits”, even if this rule was unspoken. Perhaps it was frowned upon to be “emotional” at all. As adults, that can make it difficult to feel secure in letting others see your feelings without feeling shame. This flower message helps us convey to others that we appreciate and respect their feelings and want to hear how they feel.
- Sometimes tears are refreshing. Each week I hear client’s use the words “I’m sorry” or “sorry” after they shed tears in my office…. and this is a flower message I use (or “you never have to apologize for your tears… they are there for a reason!”). Sometimes tears ARE refreshing. Especially if they have been pent up for a long time. Crying is healthy and necessary sometimes!
- I’m sorry. You are right. This one is a HUGE one for many couples who get into power struggles. Somehow, in relationships we mistake saying “I’m sorry, you are right”, for telling the other person that we are “bad” or “inadequate”. Saying “I’m sorry, you are right (when the other person truly is right) doesn’t mean you are “bad” or “less than”. If you are genuinely and sincerely wrong, let the other person know! Not only is this considerate, but it shows humility and grace, as well. We can’t expect others to be humble if we can’t genuinely apologize for our own wrongdoing.
- I’m happy when I’m with you. Who doesn’t like to hear that we make another person happy? If all we hear is the negative and critical things we bring to a relationship, after awhile, we begin to wonder why that person wants to be with us at all! This flower message is usually present early on in our relationships, but over time we forget to tell our partner. Remember how it felt when you first started dating and your partner let you know how much they enjoyed spending time with you? Even telling your spouse this can help you start to change your frame of mind to something more positive.
Thank you for reading this week’s blog– we are so happy and appreciative that you joined us and took the time from your day to read our messages. We like you just the way you are! 
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: flower messages, positive self-talk, Self Esteem
Posted in Codependency, communication, counterdependency, depression, Family Issues, Healthy Living, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, Marriage, marriage counseling, Parenting, Relationships, self esteem | No Comments »
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be frustrating, overwhelming and challenging. What are some additional signs of destructive narcissism?
Hunger for Admiration
- Becomes overly disappointed when his/her efforts aren’t openly recognized or acknowledged
- Brags or boasts
- Buys things to get others to notice or pay compliments
- Seeks awards, plaques, certificates, trophies, etc.
- Wants others to envy him/her
- Makes sure that others are aware of his/her accomplishments
- Inflates his/her accomplishments
- Engages in self-promotion
- Can’t ever seem to be “filled up” with compliments– no amount of admiration seems to be “enough” (excessive need for admiration)
- Overly sensitive to criticism– as though any hint of criticism is telling them you don’t admire them
- Oblivious to this need for excessive admiration and attention
- Takes credit for unearned accomplishments
- Talks about him or herself at every opportunity
Envious
Envy is wanting what someone else has and feeling that they are not deserving of it as you are. It carries the assumption that the other person is inferior in some what and that, because of your superiority, you should be favored. Many people will have moments of envy, but people who have a destructive narcissistic pattern are envious most of the time. These people will also devalue or put others down who receive the things that they consider to be rightfully theirs. The most common characteristics are:
- They think they are deserving and superior
- They consider others as undeserving and inferior and
- They are consumed with a desire to be envied by others for being more deserving and superior
- Boasting about possessions
- Going into debt to get unnecessary things to impress others
- Takes unearned credit
- Promoting him/herself at every opportunity
- Pointing out where others are inferior or undeserving
- Feels that he/she has to work harder for what he/she gets while others have it given to them
- Feels that he/she is treated unfairly in comparison to others
- Expresses that others have it easier than they do
Expects Favors
- Have an expectation that others will do them favors, but these people should not expect any favors in return
- The destructive narcissist feels that they are making you a special person by getting you to do them a favor, and this should be reward enough for anyone (there is more than a hint of arrogance in this attitude)
- Tells a child to get or do something for him/her, so that he/she doesn’t have to move or stop what he/she is doing
- Asks you to pick up something on your way home, when they could just as easily go and get it.
- Expects that others will do favors for them
- Feels disappointed or rejected when someone refuses them a favor
- Expects children to run personal errands for him/her
- Expects you to use your leisure time to do things for him/her
- Calls your family or friends for favors
- Gets others to do things for him/her that he/she could do on their own
- Becomes upset when someone fails to follow through on a request for a favor
- Has unrealistic expectations when asking for favors
Do you recognize any signs of narcissism from this blog series? Remember that these are only guidelines and a general overview of the many behaviors and attitudes of narcissism. You might find your spouse, partner, family member or friend has some of the troubling behaviors, but not all of them. Also, these descriptors may serve as a personal review for some of the undeveloped narcissism that you have– or unconscious behaviors and attitudes you may have, but might not be as intense as those of a true narcissist, even though they might be affecting your own relationships in negative ways. If so, we encourage you to acknowledge these traits and work on them! For more information on being in a relationship with a narcissist, contact a professional counselor.
Information in this blog is adapted from: “Loving the Self-Absorbed” by Nina W. Brown
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: loving the self-absorbed, narcissism, relationships with a narcissist, signs of narcissism
Posted in counterdependency, Counterdependency, marriage counseling, Narcissism | No Comments »
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