Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
If you haven’t read questions 1-18 yet, please go back and read them. These are excellent questions this week.
19. Would you ever consider having an affair? If either of you answered yes to this, get help immediately! That is a slippery slope to be considering that. Many people lie to themselves, justify affairs and believe they will actually HELP the relationship. This is a myth! If you really feel so confident that an affair will help, talk to your spouse about it. Get his/her permission first! And if by chance they give you the go ahead, get help immediately! Definitely something is wrong in the relationship that needs tended to.
20. Are you excited about your future together? Hopefully you share dreams together. It’s important to live in the present but hope for the future. What do you plan to do when you grow old? What do you want to do for vacation this summer? Get excited and dream together!
21. Do you feel your relationship is a true partnership? If not, it’s time to talk! Relationships should definitely be partnerships. Each partner needs to give and take, understanding each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Try to utilize one partners strength where the other is weak. If a relationship feels like a parent/child relationship, there is a problem and some outside help might be needed. This can create various issues that we can save for another blog.
22. When was your last romantic outing? It is very important for couples to continue dating. Part of what you enjoyed about each other was the time you spent together…alone. Make it a priority to go out on a date at least once a month (more if you don’t have kids!) and have “at home dates” after the kids go to bed. Turn off the tv, computers, phones and play a game, have a quiet dinner, or anything you do to relax 
23. Does it bother you if your partner has friends of the opposite sex and why? This question is tricky. It is so important to have good boundaries with friends of the opposite sex. If you don’t, emotional affairs can start and sometimes even sexual affairs. It’s important for you and spouse to decide on the boundaries. And it’s even more important to talk about them if one of the boundaries is broken. This isn’t being possessive. It’s being accountable.
24. Do you accept each other’s belief systems? People are much more flexible with people’s belief systems before they get married. Usually it’s because they think they can change it. It’s important to not only respect other’s beliefs but also to try to understand them and how it relates to your partner.
Hopefully these questions will get some conversations started with your partner. Thank you for reading. Check back tomorrow for the rest of the questions.
Source: “30 Questions to Help If You Have Doubts About Your Relationship” by Terez Williamson on tinybuddah.com
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: Good questions to ask a relationship, Terez Williamson
Posted in Marriage, Relationship Addiction | No Comments »
This week, Imagine Hope is discussing the Serenity Prayer and it’s meaning. So far, we have gone through serenity, courage and change. Today we will discuss wisdom.
The serenity prayer states “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.“ Sometimes, when life hands us unfortunate circumstances, we struggle with recognizing what IS and IS NOT in our power to change or control. If we are unaware of what we don’t have the power to change, trying to change those things can lead to a lot of frustration and feelings of helplessness.
Having the widsom of what we can and cannot change is a key part of feeling serenity and being at peace. When we try and change things out of our control (like other people), we definitely can’t have serenity… and it usually brings us the exact opposite of what we are hoping for! Have you ever had someone try and control or change something about you? How did you feel when that person tried to change you? How did you respond to their attempts at trying to control or change you? This usually doesn’t feel very good to be on the receiving end of. Our healthiest relationships are where we don’t try to control or change the other person, but instead, share with them how we are feeling and what we are needing, and decide for ourselves what WE can change about ourselves to make the situation better. Even then, it’s up to the other person to decide whether or not it is something they are willing to change and it’s up to us to decide what we are willing to do differently.
On the flip side, have you ever tried to change something or someone that didn’t want to change? How did it feel when you were trying to “make” them or the situation change? Usually, this feels exhausting and frustrating– and it rarely works. If the person or situation changes, it isn’t authentic– it’s coerced. The other person ends up feeling manipulated and pushed into making changes, which hardly ever results in long term change.
One of the things we ask our clients in therapy is: What are you doing or not doing that is allowing you to be in this situation? This is a powerful example of gaining wisdom into what we can and cannot change. At the end of the day, the only thing we can truly change is ourselves– whether that means changing our reactions to others, changing how much power we give them over us, changing our boundaries with others and what we allow from them, or changing our own situation somehow. Having the wisdom to know the difference means feeling empowered and taking responsibility for own lives and happiness. Do you have the wisdom to know the difference between what you have the power to change and what you can’t?
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.” -Reinhold Niebuhr
Note: The full version of the serenity prayer is shown above, though the most common use for the serenity prayer is the beginning portion, which we have highlighted in this weeks blog. For more information on the history and meaning of the serenity prayer in it’s entirety, go to www.thevoiceforlove.com/serenity-prayer.html
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in addictions, Codependency, counterdependency, Family Issues, Relationship Addiction, Relationships, Sex Addiction, Workaholism | No Comments »
By now, you are aware of what “enmeshment” is and how to know if you are in an enmeshed relationship (see earlier blog posts this week).
What are the dangers of being in an enmeshed relationship?
Loss of self. When you are in an enmeshed relationship, you lose your identity. You ultimately lose the parts of your “self” that made the other person fall in love with you to begin with! (Unless you never let them see your true “self”!). It ultimately will feel like you are living your life how you want to, which causes unhappiness and a lack of fulfillment.
Over time, this loss of self can create resentment towards the other person, as well as depression. You may end up feeling like the other person is controlling you (even though you are the one who is allowing it to happen).
You might also feel as though you don’t know who you are– your identity is so wrapped up in another person, you might not know whether you could exist apart from them. This can create a host of other issues if something would happen to your significant other. Some people who lose their spouse through death, struggle for quite some time in not only coming to terms with the loss, but not knowing how to function apart from the other person.
A loss of your voice. In enmeshed relationships, much like codependency, one person is more likely to give up their “voice”. They might stop saying no when they need to, or begin to go along with what the other person wants, for fear of allowing the other person to see their differences. Differences and a separate sense of self are all healthy in relationships, to a certain degree. Not allowing yourself to have a voice in the relationship can create a very unbalanced relationship where the power is all with another person (you don’t have a healthy amount of personal power and freedom).
Do any of this week’s blog posts sound like you? If so, we encourage you to begin working on breaking free from enmeshment to a healthier you!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: enmeshment
Posted in addictions, boundaries, Codependency, depression, Emotional needs, Individual Therapy, Marriage, marriage counseling, Parenting, Relationship Addiction, Relationships, Relationships | No Comments »
In an intimate relationship you know that you begin your feelings with yourself. You know your feelings come from within. In an addictive relationship, your feelings are due to someone else’s choices or behaviors.
In healthy relationships, we own our feelings. We know that no one else can make us feel any way. In healthy relationships we communicate our needs and wants with “I feel…” and “I need…” In healthy relationships we have our own sense of self and independence to feel our feelings regardless of what our partner does. In addictive relationships, we blame our partner for our feelings. We use phrases that begin with, “you make me feel…” or “if you would not ____, then I would not be sad all the time”. Being in an addictive relationship only gives room for you to respond to your partner’s feelings and behaviors. There is no room for you to have your own independent feelings.
In an intimate relationship you can take care of yourself. Both partners understand you are solely responsible for figuring out what you need and communicate those needs to others. In addictive relationships, you assume your partner will know what is right for you and fix the problem.
In healthy relationships we know we are responsible for our own happiness and we want happiness for our partners. We support our partner’s journey to achieve happiness and join in the journey when we both want the same thing. When healthy lovers communicate well, they can achieve support and receive support. Healthy lovers can ask for help or communicate wants and desires as well as dislikes. Addictive relationships create double binds where no one can win. A partner may believe that if they tell you what they want, and you do it, it does not count because they had to ask for them. If they do not tell you what they want and you don’t do it or if you don’t do it the way they ask, it does not count. In the end they feel unloved. In addictive relationships, we demand the partner take care of our needs.
In intimate relationships, partners deal with reality. Addictive relationships are based on delusions.
Lovers who are in intimate relationship live in the real world. They are able to be together while meeting the needs and overcoming the challenges of daily life. They are able to make time for each other and come back to each other and reconnect when they have been separated by life’s events. Addictive relationships are usually based on fantasy. Many affairs are this way. In this situation, perhaps a couple is only having rendezvous and not dealing with the day to day tasks of family life. This relationship is an escape, or a high. It is not based in reality.
Please continue to check in this week as Natalie talks about more examples of Intimate vs. Addictive Relationships.
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Source: Leaving the Enchanted Forest: The Path from Relationship Addiction to Intimacy by Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: addictive love, intimate love, Relationships
Posted in addictions, Affairs, Codependency, Emotional needs, Healthy Living, Relationship Addiction, Uncategorized | No Comments »
In an intimate relationship you have a sense of freedom vs. in an addictive relationship there is a sense of compulsion.
In healthy relationships, there’s a sense of emotional and physical freedom that you can say what’s on your mind, ask for help, make suggestions and choices that won’t result in ridicule or abandonment. In addictive relationships however, a person may feel as though there’s certain things they have to do, feel an emotional drive to do, in order to avoid being made fun of, or to avoid arguments. Or, a person may do things to make sure a person feels happy, stays around the house more, or to get approval.
In intimate relationships you feel the desire to share needs and feelings vs in an addictive relationship there are “no talk” rules, especially if things are not working out.
When you’re in a healthy relationship, you are encouraged to share your needs and feelings, and are rewarded for sharing (by thank you’s and that person sharing with you as well). This is how we get to know each other on a deeper level and create stronger bonds. In addictive relationships, deep conversations are avoided, mainly becuase one or both people are uncomfortable with strong emotion. If things aren’t working out, one or both people believe ignoring the situation may make it go away, only to find it blows up later down the road.
Intimate relationships are always changing, vs addictive relationships which always stay the same.
Healthy relationships grow together, mature together and evolve. The couple finds things to do that emotionaly, or mentally stimulate themselves and stretch them beyond their comfort zone. Addictive relationships are like pond-water. Not much changes with them, they don’t really have anything to report in terms of updates, and sometimes they report low life-satisfaction when it comes to happiness.
Intimate relationships want to be present vs addictive relationships feel as though they have to be there.
In healthy relationships, the couple feels as though they are choosing to be with their significant other. They want to be in the relationship because of love, validation, respect, and gratitude. If the relationship were to end, each person would know and believe they’d be alright. They know they would grieve the loss, but they know deep down their worth and value is not because of the other person. In addictive relationships, the individuals believe they have to be there. They worry how their significant other will get along in life if they’re not there. Or, they worry about how they will get along in life if they don’t have the relationship. They’re dependent on the unhealthy relationship to provide them a sense of value and worth.
We hope this week’s topic is educational and helping you develop a positive start in your relationships, or change some unhealthy patterns in your current relationships. We have several more to share with you, so please return!
Source: Leaving the Enchanted Forest: The Path from Relationship Addiction to Intimacy by Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: addictive relationships, Healthy Relationships, Relationships
Posted in addictions, boundaries, Codependency, communication, Family Issues, Healthy Living, Relationship Addiction, Relationships | No Comments »
Many clients dance the line in their relationships between achieving emotional intimacy and being addicted to the relationship. The key to an emotionally intimate relationship is that you are an emotionally healthy person to start with, otherwise you may fall into the trap of your relationship becoming addictive. This week Imagine Hope will share the specific differences between these types of relationships as shared by Covington and Beckett in their book “Leaving The Enchanted Forest”.
In an intimate relationship you are peers vs. In an addictive relationship there is a power differential
When someone is your peer, you feel you can be equal. There is an ability to be friends and feel comfortable having a voice with that person. When the relationship is addictive, you might feel the other person has more of the power in the relationship. This can be intimidating and quiet your voice with them. You might notice you compromise who you are to make the relationship work because of this.
In an intimate relationship it feels mutual vs. In an addictive relationship it feels imbalanced
When both people feel the connection and strive to deepen it, intimacy develops. This is when both individuals are open and vulnerable, bring up issues, and make compromises. Both people hold the relationship at the same priority level. When a relationship is addictive, there are clear imbalances. One person may feel stronger about the relationship working out, so they try everything to make it work. You may notice that one person does more initiating of spending time and making contact with the other. This relationship can feel overwhelming and clingy at times.
In an intimate relationship there is choice vs. In an addictive relationship there is a loss of choice
Intimacy does not happen out of the need to be with the other person, but out of the desire to be with the other person. When you need someone, you might feel you don’t have a choice to not be with them. Having a choice and say so in the relationship creates more balance and equality. It can deepen the connection because it is not out of neediness, but out of healthy desire of the other person. An addictive relationship can cause someone to feel like a victim by the other person and that they didn’t have a say so. Intimate relationships don’t have victims because each person sees how their choices allow and teach the other person to treat them.
This is such important information to make sure your relationship is healthy, intimate and fulfilling! Keep checking in all week for more info to see if your relationship is intimate or addictive!
Source: Leaving the Enchanted Forest: The Path from Relationship Addiction to Intimacy by Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in addictions, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationship Addiction, Relationships | No Comments »
“Letting Go” is a popular topic in recovery from many things– childhood issues, addictions, codependency, and unhealthy relationships, just to name a few. Today we will finish with this week’s blog series on what it means to “let go”:
- Sometimes we might feel as though “letting go” means that we don’t care. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Letting go means that we don’t do things for someone who needs to be doing things for themselves. To ‘let go’ means we don’t do it for them.
- When we “let go”, we realize that we can’t control other people, their choices or their behaviors. To “let go” means that we stop trying to control others– it doesn’t mean that we have to cut off from them.
- To “let go” means that we realize that the people around us need to learn from their mistakes and feel the natural consequences of their actions. If we are rescuing them from the natural consequences of poor choices, then we are enabling them.
What are some areas of your life in which you might need to “let go”? Letting go of the things we need to allows us to live fuller and richer lives, filled with more peace and joy– with less unnecessary stress and chaos!
A great resource for further reading is the book duo “The Language of Letting Go” and “More Languages of Letting Go”, by Melody Beattie. This book is full of daily meditations that discuss various topics on “letting go”. We highly recommend it, no matter what area of life you are working on letting go!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: 12 steps, Codependency, Enabling, letting go, natural consequences, Recovery
Posted in addictions, boundaries, Codependency, Counterdependency, Healthy Living, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationship Addiction, Relationships, stress, Workaholism | No Comments »
So far, have you used any of this week’s blog post suggestions to help with your relationship with yourself? Or, maybe you are wondering “How can you love someone too much?”… I mean, isn’t that what we are supposed to be doing? Loving others with all we have? This week, Imagine Hope discusses what it means to “Love too much” in a relationship– which is basically where you love others to the point of losing (sacrificing, or giving away) your healthy identity and self-worth.
As we discuss a lot on our blog posts, having good relationships with others is very important, but it’s just as important to have a good relationship with your self. Working on this isn’t selfish, it’s taking care of yourself! And as we know, we can’t take care of the people who are appropriately depending on us (like our children), if we don’t know how to take care of ourselves… Furthermore, we shouldn’t be taking care of others who can take care of themselves, anyway! So, keep reading and keep using this week’s tips on how to start loving yourself a little more!
9. Work on valuing your own serenity and peace of mind above all else.
Have you ever noticed that many of the people in your life have constant chaos and drama in their day to day world? Perhaps they try and draw you into the chaos and that creates chaos in your own life? Or maybe there is always a “crisis” or something going “wrong” in their life that they try to pull you into by “venting” to you, or asking you to do things you feel uncomfortable with. This could be coming from family members, friendships, or dating relationships. If this is happening, you might be valuing other’s peace and serenity over your own. This is part of “loving too much”.
Or, maybe the people around you tell you that you have constant drama and chaos in your own life? Perhaps they tell you that you always seem to be engaged in situations that are a “crisis” or messy and chaotic– that things never seem to be just “okay” in your life, or that you seem to consistently have something going “wrong” with some aspect of your life. Some people actually seem to enjoy having the constant drama in their life. It keeps them from having to look at their own emotional pain and life situation and doing something about it. Either way, to work on becoming healthier, stop inviting chaos, drama, and constant struggles in your relationships with others.
Remember… in our relationships, people can only do what we ALLOW them to do!
Work on protecting yourself by setting boundaries with others. This doesn’t mean that you never listen to them or that you can’t be there for them– it means that when you are there for that person, you aren’t doing things that feel unhealthy and uncomfortable for you! Unfortunately, this might mean the loss of some relationships, which can be frightening. Other people don’t necessarily like it when we change– so they may get angry or upset because you are changing how you relate to them. As you work on loving yourself more, however, you will see that peace unfold in your life.
10. Realize that in order for a relationship to work, it must be between partners who share similar values, interests and goals. If someone has a belief system or a value system that doesn’t match yours, you will struggle. And sometimes, people try to change their own value system to match another person’s, which rarely works! For example, if you place a strong value on honesty, but are in a relationship with someone who is consistently dishonest with others or keeps secrets, you aren’t loving yourself to allow this kind of behavior in your life.
Whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship, each person in that relationship must be capable to have healthy intimacy for it to work out. Sometimes, we try to change other people to get our own needs met, so realizing that someone else might not be capable of what you are asking for, is important. This can help you let go of changing them and work on changing yourself and your expectations instead. Remember, you are worthy of the best that life has to offer!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: boundaries, Loving too much, Self Esteem, well-being
Posted in Abuse, boundaries, Codependency, communication, Emotional needs, Family Issues, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationship Addiction, Relationships, self esteem | No Comments »
|
|
Imagine Hope BlogosphereBlogs by Imagine Hope Counselors
|
Teri Claassen's Blog
View Teri's Blog
Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
|
|
Natalie Chandler's Blog
View Natalie's Blog
Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
|
|
Joleen Watson's Blog
View Joleen's Blog
Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
|
|
Tamara Wilhelm's Blog
View Tamara's Blog
Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
|
|
