Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
So now you know what toxic and healthy secrets look like and how they impact your relationships… How do you know the difference between the two? Here are some questions to ask yourself that might help you determine the difference:
1. What is the intention? If the intention is to restore or promote passion and intimacy (e.g., not telling a spouse about a surprise date or party on their behalf), chances are that it’s a healthy secret. If the intention is to try and keep someone from feeling “hurt” (e.g., keeping someone from feeling angry that you have done something hurtful), the chances are that it’s toxic.
2. Is the secret effecting the relationship? For example, if you feel that your partners behavior or appearance (e.g., their physical appearance or weight, their emotional outbursts) are causing you difficulty with intimacy, sharing your feelings about this “secret” can have a positive impact on the relationship (even though it might be painful for your partner to hear this). If certain issues aren’t impacting intimacy or other aspects of the relationship, but you are sharing a lot of critical and judgemental things with your partner, it may not be necessary and only push them further away and cause them to feel inadequate.
3. Does someone get hurt as a result of keeping the secret? Secrets like physical, emotional, and sexual abuse can cause someone t0 get hurt as a result of keeping the secret, and are therefore toxic. Even if it’s someone you don’t know, having the knowledge that someone is (0r has been) abusive and keeping it a secret can keep the abusive person protected, which allows the abuse to continue with others. If you are keeping a secret about an addiction or an affair, it can cause feelings of betrayal in the relationship when the truth finally comes out (which it will!). If no one will get hurt as a result of the secret, it most likely is a healthy secret.
4. Do YOU get hurt as a result of keeping the secret? Secrets such as spending money and acquiring debt, having an affair, withholding information about previous abuse or neglect, can cause so much shame over not allowing your partner to know who you really are and what you struggle with in your internal world. This not only hurts the relationship, but hurts YOU. It doesn’t allow others to know who you really are. If a secret is hurting you, it is most likely toxic.
These are just a few of the questions to ask when trying to determine whether a secret is toxic or healthy.
Check back in with us next week when we discuss how we are ALL doing in our goals for the new year…and how recognize some of the ways we prevent ourselves from meeting those goals– after all, it IS the half way point in the calendar year!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
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Teri and Tammy have discussed both toxic secrets and healthy secrets, but how do each of them impact our relationships with others?
Toxic Secrets:
- Create an unsafe relationship which makes intimacy difficult, if not impossible, to have
- Create distance between the secret keeper and the one who is kept in the dark
- Create alliances and dependency between the secret keeper and anyone who knows the truth
- Usually come out in time, and can create a great deal of resentment and anger when they emerge
- Can be dangerous and cause people harm, which doesn’t protect and nurture those around you
- Can cause the secret keeper to feel isolated and alone (which other people feel… even if they can’t name what it is.)
- Doesn’t allow for the freedom of healthy decision making. If someone is keeping a secret that is toxic, how can the other person make an accurate decision if they don’t have all of the information to do so?
Healthy Secrets:
- Can create a sense of healthy mystery in relationships and help to keep passion and intimacy alive
- Create a sense of “self” separate from the other person (or people), which is interdependent
- Promote respect and allow a relationship to have healthy boundaries
- Nurture a relationship and protect it from hurtful information that will only harm (as opposed to help the relationship grow)
- Creates a sense of “grace” and kindness that allow a relationship to grow stronger
These are only a few examples of how both toxic and healthy secrets can impact our relationships. Check back tomorrow when we will discuss how you can tell the difference between toxic and healthy secrets. Thanks for reading!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
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You might be surprised to know that there are secrets that are indeed “healthy”. Support4Change.com gives a great rule of thumb. They say: “Healthy Secrets bring you closer to your loved ones, while toxic secrets create barriers”. Healthy secrets build relationships & create a sense of closeness between you and another person. So, what exactly are some examples of a Healthy Secret? Here are some below:
- Doing a chore/household responsibility to help someone out, and don’t tell them you did it.
- Throwing someone a surprise birthday party, or buying someone a gift, and keeping it a secret until their birthday.
- A close friend using you as a confidant and you keep their secret. It would not be appropriate for you to run out and share with your other friends what this particular friend just entrusted to you.
- In relationships when you share your inner most thoughts back and forth with each other about outside family members. You trust your partner to keep your secrets.
- If you think something hurtful about someone (For example, “Wow, she does not look good in that dress!”). Keeping that to yourself is healthy!
These are just some examples of healthy secrets, there are many more, but I think you get the idea. Thursday Joleen is going to discuss how both Toxic secrets & Healthy Secrets can impact relationships. Thank you for reading!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: healthy secrets, secrets, toxic secrets
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This week we are talking about secrets! Secrets come in many forms. There are healthy secrets, but also toxic ones. What is the difference? A toxic secret is one that will block you from intimacy and puts walls between you and your loved one. Support4change.com says, toxic secrets “hide a part of your heart, disguise your vulnerability which denies a gift to your loved one, or prevents your loved one from supporting you.”
Some will call them white lies, or lies of omission. People hold secrets to protect others, out of fear, they feel it could end a relationship, or because it’s their job. As a therapist I hold many secrets. I can’t count the number of times someone has said “I’ve never told anyone else that.” Usually after a person reveals their secrets they experience a powerful sense of freedom. As the saying goes, “The truth will set you free.” Toxic secrets can “haunt” you and cause emotional havoc. They can become poisonous and bleed dysfunction into your relationships and your moods.
Here are some examples of toxic secrets:
- Abuse- Keeping the secret that someone is hurting you emotionally, verbally, sexually, or physically will make things worse for you and possibly for others. If you do not voice your pain, the perpetrator could inflict abuse to someone else down the road. Sharing this secret could save someone else’s life- including your own. (**If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek professional help to consult on a safe way to disclose the abuse.)
- Affairs- When you have an affair, it will block the relationship from being fulfilling. Even if it is scary to reveal this secret, many couples are able to heal and create a relationship they never thought possible if they do it right.
- Addictions- When someone is struggling with an addiction, it will only thrive more when they keep it a secret. The first step to overcoming an addiction is not keeping it a secret anymore to yourself and others.
- Legal issues-Keeping these a secret could be dangerous and cause pain for others around you. If you have a legal matter, not revealing it in a close relationship could cause someone to feel betrayed. You are lying to them by hiding part of yourself.
- Health concerns- Keeping these fears inside will block you from being able to lean on a support system and your doctor. You may need help from others. If they don’t know what is going on, they won’t know what to do to help you.
- Emotions- Hiding your emotions can result in internal turmoil for someone. Keeping your emotions a secret will cause you to carry your pain alone. Sharing your emotions will keep you real and open up doors to emotional intimacy in relationships.
We are not saying you need to share every detail of your life with everyone you meet. There are boundaries to keep in mind and you need to make sure you are revealing secrets to people you feel emotionally safe with. Remember toxic secrets have more power when they are kept. The more you keep them, they more alone you will feel.
Check in tomorrow as Tammy tells us about healthy secrets!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: abuse, addictions, Affairs, secrets, toxic secrets
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As Teri and Tammy have mentioned, feeling loved allows us to have SO much to give back to a relationship– whether romantic, friendship, or family. Each time we make a “deposit” in the other person’s “love tank”, we are helping the other person feel cared for, as well as “investing” in the relationship by making that deposit. As previously mentioned, the 5 Love Languages are: Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch. What is the following Love Language?
One of the times in my life where I felt most loved was when my Dad was alive, during the 2 years right after I had moved to Indianapolis from my hometown. My Dad used to plan trips to Indianapolis for different “events” that were going on in the city, or plan his company meetings in Indy, just so he could come and visit me. We would take in the different “sights” of Indianapolis, go out to dinner at places I had been and wanted to share with him, and he would go shopping with me for different things I needed for my apartment or office. We spent time hanging out and talking at my “new place” (5 hours away from “home”), and he would help me with projects that I had intended to do. It wasn’t that he was “helping” me that made me feel so loved… it was that he was taking the time out of his busy schedule and investing in my internal world– the things that were important to me.
Can you figure out what my Love Language is? Answer: Quality Time.
If you haven’t already figured out your own Love Language this week during our blog series, I encourage you to do so! Also, as Tammy mentioned earlier, it’s a great idea to know the Love Languages of those around you, as well.
Check back next week, where we will be discussing something I think everyone can relate to in some way or another… SECRETS! We will discuss both TOXIC secrets, as well as HEALTHY secrets and how they impact our relationships. Until then, thank you for reading!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
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Feeling loved is important in all close relationships. It’s what draws us into intimacy with a person. If we don’t feel loved we will likely hold back and build emotional walls. Not only is this vital in romantic relationships, but also in parenting and friendships. Be sure you figure out what your love language is AND your loved ones. Often times they are different and you will need to be intentional to speak your loved ones language to ensure they feel your love.
Now it’s time to guess another example. Remember the five love languages are: Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Quality Time.
You can refer back to our blogs from November 9-13, 2009 for the detailed descriptions.
Teri’s response to “When have you felt most loved?”
Since I already answered this question on Monday I will share with you my secondary love language. I don’t like to assume anything, which means I prefer someone to tell me how they feel. Verbal praise, acknowledgment, and recognition can really lift me up. Just as much as words can help, they can also break me down. When my husband gives me a compliment, tells me he likes my haircut, or genuinely says “Thank you”, “I’m so sorry”, or “I love you” it assures me I am loved. The written word also speaks volumes. Just yesterday my husband and son left a note in my car while I was working. That gesture meant so much to me. It’s not uncommon that my husband and I will leave each other a surprise message on the shower wall with a bathtub crayon. When this happens my heart feels warm and my love tank fills up.
Can you guess what my secondary love language is?
Answer: Words of Affirmation
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: five love languages, Love Languages
Posted in Family Issues, Marriage, marriage counseling, Parenting, Relationships | No Comments »
I absolutely love Gary Chapman’s concept of the Love Languages. I love teaching it to couples and watch them “get it” as they identify their own language and that of their spouse. Once you start speaking your significant other’s language, it’s amazing how much love begins to flow between a couple. For me personally, all of the languages apply, but they are in a ranked order. Can you guess what my #1 Love Language is? (Options are Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation & Gifts)
You can refer back to our blogs from November 9-13, 2009 for the detailed descriptions.
Tammy’s Response to “When have you felt the most loved?”
- When my husband notices that the dishwasher needs to be unloaded & reloads it. Or, when I walk in the door after work after he beats me home and he has already started dinner. At the same time, when I’m at the office and one of my coworkers sees that I’m overwhelmed and they take it upon themselves to make a phone call that is generally my responsibility. Anything anyone can do that says, “Here let me do that for you” says to me: ”I love you Tammy!” It goes a long way in my book. Notice I feel loved when someone does something that takes a load off of what I have to do, not when they’re doing their already assigned chores/responsibilities. That is key.
Can you figure out what my language is?
Answer: Acts of Service
Please check back in as we will be sharing with you all week our own personal languages. Thanks for reading!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: five love languages, Love Languages
Posted in communication, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
Tamara and I were invited to present 2 workshops a few weeks ago at the National Alpha Sigma Alpha Convention. We were honored to present on Positive Parenting and Understanding Others through the Five Love Languages. At the beginning of the Five Love Languages workshop we had attendees fill out a slip of paper with the question “When was a time you felt most loved?” We collected them, explained the concept of the Five Love Languages, and at the end we “quizzed” them by reading their responses to the question and had them guess what that person’s love language could be. Tamara and I received great feedback from the group that this exercise really reinforced the concept. This week we want you to guess! In each blog this week we will share with you a situation where one of our therapists has felt loved and you can guess the love language! Remember the five love languages are: Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Quality Time.
You can refer back to our blogs from November 9-13, 2009 for the detailed descriptions.
Teri’s Response to “When have you felt most loved?”
Even though I talk for a living, having a long, deep talk with my husband or best friend fills me up. Sitting with my husband over coffee, relaxed, totally focused on each other without distractions, and engrossed in a conversation is a picture perfect moment for me. I feel loved when he gives me undivided attention, and I feel like the most important person to him at that time. I feel loved when he truly listens and asks questions and he genuinely cares what I am saying even if he disagrees. It is important for me to make sure I slow down enough in my busy schedule to do this, otherwise a distance can start and we can feel disconnected. Remember it’s important to prioritize moments for you and your partner to speak each others love languages. Not doing so can result in your loved one not feeling loved.
Can you guess what this love language is???
The answer is: Quality Time
Keep reading this week to see other examples of love languages!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: five love languages, Relationships
Posted in communication, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
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