Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
Teri and Tamara did a wonderful job explaining Forming and Storming. Now we move into Norming. Norming is the part of the relationship that is comfortable. Everybody knows their role in the relationship and what to expect. Both know the boundaries (or even lack there of) and what will happen if the boundaries aren’t kept. Because the relationship went thru the storming stage, and each person shared how they felt, and what they needed, they can successfully move into the norming stage and know what is expected of them moving forward. It’s because of having healthy conflict that you can feel comfortable and safe in a relationship. Therefore, you don’t have to play a guessing game or walk on eggshells. You know what is expected of you and vice versa. Unfortunately, most people believe that by avoiding the conflict, they will create safety. This couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s in this norming stage that the storm has settled and people generally feel good about the relationship. They feel emotional and physical safety when they are with their partner.
Many people want to get to this stage but have difficulty getting thru the storming to get there.
Tomorrow Joleen will talk about the next stage- performing.
Thank you for reading!
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Tags: emotional safety, Tuckmans group development stages
Posted in communication, Relationships | No Comments »
Teri introduced us to Tuckman’s stages of group development yesterday. Today we’re going to discuss the 2nd stage of Storming. I like to go over these stages in my sessions with individuals and couples to demonstrate and emphasize why conflict is healthy, important and necessary in relationships.
So, what is storming? Storming is the stage where conflict happens. It’s important for each person to open up and share their own thoughts, feelings and opinions, and to confront the other’s thoughts, feelings and opinions. It is very important to share how you honestly feel and what you need in this stage. If someone hurts your feelings, or crosses a boundary with you, then it’s very important to say so. This is what we call being congruent: what you feel on the inside matches what you show on the outside.
How comfortable each person is with conflict and how mature each person is emotionally will determine how long the couple stays in this storming stage. If you’re a conflict avoider, then you might glide over the conflict quickly (but you won’t resolve anything). If you don’t know how to voice what you’re feeling and ask for what you need, you might get caught up in the storming stage for longer than what’s needed.
According to Tuckman, without tolerance and patience a team (or in our example, a couple) will fail. It’s at this point in a relationship that we see alot of couples breakup or call it quits because it gets too hard or they get caught up in conflict that they can’t resolve. Learning how to “storm” properly is key so that this stage doesn’t become destructive to the couple and lower motivation.
Once a couple is able to “weather the storm”, they can successfully move onto the next stage which is Norming. Please return on Thursday as Natalie shares the specifics of Norming. Thanks for reading!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: conflict management, healthy conflict, Tuckman's Stages of Group Development
Posted in anger management, communication, Relationships | No Comments »
Bruce Tuckman created a theory in the 1960′s about the stages of Group and Team development. These stages can be applicable to any relationships, whether it is a large group or two people. This model includes 4 stages- Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing and it has been added onto through the years. This week Imagine Hope is going to teach you about the original four stages to help assist you in knowing what steps are necessary to be healthy in your relationships.
Forming
Forming is the easiest stage out of the four. This is the stage where you get to know each other. This is important to the relationship in that it creates a bond, strong foundation, and friendship. The conversation tends to stay more surface and more like an information exchange. This is where people determine if someone feels safe enough to move into the next stage.
Keep reading tomorrow to know what happens in the Storming stage!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: stages of relationships, Tuckman's Stages of Group Development
Posted in communication, Relationships | No Comments »
So far, the therapists at Imagine Hope have recommended some great books (and a few that I’ve already added to my reading “to do” list)! One book that I’ve found to be very informative, as well as a highly recommended book to my clients is: Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. We see many people come into our office that are struggling with a spouse who isn’t sure they want to continue with the marriage. Some are struggling with a spouse who has an addiction, or a spouse who refuses to end an emotional or physical affair. Many times, the one who wants to save the marriage is so desperate to hang onto the relationship, they end up in a role of “pleaser”, which causes them to lose more respect and their spouse to become even more distant or uncertain about the relationship. Dr. Dobson’s book teaches a different approach to working on a marriage with someone who is so ambivalent about the relationship. Using a “tough love” approach, this book helps the individual who wants to save the marriage learn how to:
- Set boundaries in the relationship
- Regain self-respect by eliminating behaviors that are defeating to the relationship
- Shift the focus from being the one to “save” things, to focusing on getting YOURSELF healthier
- Restore a healthy balance of power to the relationship
- Have conflict and confrontation based out of love (instead of fear)
- Ease the strain of the relationship by letting your spouse make decisions that have natural consequences
- Let go of things that are no longer working
- Empower the person who has felt helpless and out of control in trying to “save” the marriage
This book is one that teaches the reader to embrace their fears and pain, and challenges the reader to become more “real” with their situation– which sometimes means going against what your instincts are telling you to do. It’s uplifting, empowering, and a great tool for those who are ready to work on their own issues when they are with someone who is refusing to work on theirs. I would highly recommend!
Next week, Imagine Hope Counseling Group will be discussing the stages of process for better intimacy in relationships… We hope you will join us!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in addictions, Affairs, boundaries, Codependency, communication, counterdependency, Faith Based Living, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
My book recommendation is “Healing is a Choice” by Stephen Arterburn. Just the title alone speaks volumes. Healing IS a choice. We have to decide to keep doing what we are doing and getting the same results or take the big step of making a choice to do things to heal our lives. This book helps you focus on what you need to heal as well as offering steps to heal your pain. I like that Stephen uses biblical advice and incorporates spirituality into the recovery process. However, he warns against using “lies” that we as Christians are often taught to cover our pain. Some of those lies include:
1. All I need to heal is just God and me.
2. Real Christians should have a real peace in all circumstances.
3. It does no good to look back or inside.
4. Time heals all wounds.
5. If I act as if there is no problem it will finally go away.
6. There is no hope for me…
Just to name a few.
Stephen asks a lot of questions that are good to ask ourselves. He also talks about forgiveness and using your pain to help others, something we are a huge advocate of. My book is dog-eared, highlighted, and constantly being taken off my shelf. It, also, is a great book to purchase rather than borrow as you will want to make notes in it.
Tomorrow Joleen will share her recommendation. Once again, thank you for reading and have a great day!!
P.s. Curl up with a book in the 90 degree weather!! 
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Posted in addictions, Affairs, anger management, Anxiety, boundaries, Codependency, depression, Faith Based Living, Grief and Loss, Individual Therapy, Relationship Addiction, Spirituality, stress, Therapy, Workaholism | No Comments »
One book I find myself recommending over and over to clients is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. This book is a great read for anyone struggling with boundaries, taking care of what other people need first, and putting their own needs last. Do you think it’s easier and more efficient to just do it yourself than rely on others to do it? Do you then get overwhelmed and exhausted because you’ve put too much on your plate and get resentful because no one ever seems to help? Or, maybe you feel as though you walk on eggshells with angry people in your life, wishing you could speak up, but you don’t, fearing it will only make things worse. Instead you focus all your energy in your work, kids, television, or eat comfort foods because you don’t feel strong enough to stand up for yourself.
If any of the above sounds familiar, then Codependent No More will help. Melody Beattie lists all the different characteristics of Codependency (more than what I’ve described), along with helping the reader learn how to:
- detach from unhealthy situations in love
- no longer feel like a victim
- live their own life and not feel pulled in different directions by other’s emotions
- pay attention to their own feelings
- set their own goals
- practice self-care
These are just a few of the topics in the book. This is one that is definitely worth buying versus getting from the library because it’s a great book to re-read every few years for a great refresher course & keeps you on track. Check back in on Thursday & Friday as Natalie & Joleen share their Fall book recommendations! Thanks for reading!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: book recommendations
Posted in boundaries, Codependency | No Comments »
At Imagine Hope we read and recommend books for people all the time. As the fall is starting it’s time for us to recommend some more! When you think about the weather cooling off and and curling up with a good book, we have several that will continue to help you on your journey. We hope you’ll find one that speaks to you and will aid you in your healing.
The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life by Dr. Patricia Love
I know just looking at this title gets your attention, doesn’t it? This is a great book for people who have had an invasive and enmeshing family of origin. Many parents love their children, but this book helps people see that you can actually love your children too much! When parents don’t let their child discover their own identity and they are too involved in their child’s day-to-day happenings this could be part of the emotional incest syndrome. It is part of healthy development to let you child live their own life and suffer their own consequences as a result. At some point they should stop needing you so much. A great example of this syndrome is depicted in the TV show “Everybody loves Raymond”. Ray and his mom, Marie, are so enmeshed that he has not formed an identity outside of being her son. He has trouble as a father and husband because his mother’s love still controls his life. This book not only helps you see the boundaries that are crossed with this type of parenting, but it also gives great advice to adult children of these relationships to not carry on the relationship with their own kids. I know it can be hard to let go of the parenting role as your children age, but staying too involved, even if out of love, can have a negative impact on your child’s future relationships.
Stay tuned for more great book reviews this week!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: recommended books, self help books
Posted in boundaries, Codependency, Family Issues, Parenting, Relationships | No Comments »
Natalie’s humorous ending to her blog describes the family role of the Mascot very well– They are full of humor!
The “mascot” is usually seen as immature, cute, and hyperactive. They have a great sense of humor and are the one in the family system who makes everyone laugh. In school, they can be identified as the “class clown”. Humor and being a “jokester” is how they usually get attention and feel good about themselves and their family. Usually, this is humor is to “lighten up” the feelings of the family and to distract from more painful feelings or family tension/issues with their comic relief.
The mascot uses humor to cover up vulnerable feelings and emotional pain, and usually feel very fragile and insecure on the inside. The mascot usually feels afraid and anxious. They don’t learn how to adequately identify and communicate their feelings because they are so busy making everyone else feel better and “distracting” the family through their humor.
Later in life, the mascot may continue to have problems addressing uncomfortable feelings and confronting things on a serious note (without using humor to cover up their pain). The inability to be “serious”, without turning uncomfortable feelings into humor can cause them to struggle with intimate relationships (and can cause an angry spouse who struggles to be taken seriously or feel heard). It’s important for the mascot to learn that humor is a great resiliency, however, it’s also important to balance humor with being vulnerable and serious when needed.
Did you identify a family role that fit you? The Family Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, or Mascot? Next week, Imagine Hope therapists will discuss their most recent book recommendations… so make sure to check back on Monday! Thanks for reading!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
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Imagine Hope BlogosphereBlogs by Imagine Hope Counselors
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Teri Claassen's Blog
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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Natalie Chandler's Blog
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Joleen Watson's Blog
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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