Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
This week, Imagine Hope Counseling Group is dedicating our blog topic in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Earlier this week, we heard from Teri, Tamara and Natalie about signs of domestic violence, the cycle of domestic violence and what to do if you know someone in a relationship that includes domestic violence. Today we will discuss what to do if you are the victim of domestic violence and resources to help point you in the right direction.
Domestic Violence is such a horrific thing to experience, and can leave the victim feeling helpless, terrified, and alone. What are some things you can do if you are in this situation?
- Call the police or 911 if you are in an abusive episode or if you are afraid of your abuser. Sometimes when a victim of domestic violence has experienced repeated episodes of abuse, they are either becoming numb to the situation, or too afraid of their abuser to call law enforcement officials. The police are there to assist in situations where you feel like your personal safety is jeopardized. In addition, it’s a good idea to have the incident documented, so filing a police report can help protect you in the long run. If you have been injured by your abuser, seek medical attention and have the injuries documented and photographed.
- Get an order of protection or a restraining order against your abuser if necessary.
- Come up with a safety plan. If you are afraid of your abuser, create a plan of how you can leave the situation quickly if things escalate. Check the resources at the end of this article, as there are many safe “havens” which can help you in many different ways. A safety plan should include a way for you to leave the situation, and may include things such as keeping a bag packed and having a place to go, as well as a plan for your children or pets. Be honest with yourself about the situation, as well as the potential consequences and seek out the help of professionals when needed.
- TELL SOMEONE who is trusted and safe that you are in a domestic violence situation! One of the most terrifying parts of being in an abusive situation, besides the abuse itself, is the isolation the abuse can create. If you are in a relationship with domestic violence, it’s important that someone knows what you are experiencing. It may feel embarrassing or intimidating to speak out to a trusted friend or professional, but it could save your life in the long run.
- Seek out counseling or other help from a professional that has knowledge in domestic violence. They can assist you in finding ways to cope with the situation until you can leave and can help you in getting your identity back. Being in the middle of such a scary situation can cloud the ability to see things from all angles and figure out your options. A professional can help you sort through this and point you in the right direction. They understand what you are going through and it’s impact on your life.
- If you are contacting resources for help, make sure to do so from a secure location (a secure phone and computer, too).
- Realize that if you are in an abusive relationship, your rights and boundaries are being violated! You have the right to peace and safety, and you do not deserve to be manipulated, threatened, beaten, or abused emotionally!
NATIONAL RESOURCES:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1(800)799-7233 (anonymous and confidential), http://www.thehotline.org/
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence: 1(800)537-2238, http://www.nrcdv.org/
INDIANAPOLIS AREA RESOURCES:
United Way: 24-hour Domestic Violence Helpline: (317)926-4357, www.liveunited.org
Domestic Violence Network of Greater Indianpolis: (317)475-6110, www.dvnconnect.org
Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence (317)917-3685, www.violenceresource.org
Prevail: (317)776-3472, www.prevailinc.com Prevail serves the community as an advocate for victims of crime and abuse in Hamilton and surrounding counties, offering a 24-hour crisis line and services free of charge.
The Julian Center: (317)941-2200, www.juliancenter.org (Crisis & Suicide Intervention Service, available 24 hours a day)
The Julian Center is a unique, non-profit agency providing counseling, safe shelter, and education for women and children who are survivors of Domestic Violence and abuse.
Beacon of Hope Center For Women: (317)731-6131.
The Family Advocacy Center, (317)327-6900. The Family Advocacy Center is a non-profit organization offering supportive services to families affected by child abuse or Domestic Violence.
Breaking Free: (317)923-4260. Breaking Free supports , educates and advocates for individuals and families affected by family violence and relationship abuse.
Coburn Place safe haven: (317)923-5750. Coburn Place’s mission is to provide support services and safe, affordable housing to women and children who are homeless because of leaving abusive situations.
As always, thank you for reading our blog this week! We will see you next week!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: abusive relationships, domestic violence
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Thank you, Teri and Tamara, for teaching us the signs and the cycle of domestic abuse. Today I will be teaching you how to recognize the signs of domestic abuse in someone you love or are in a relationship with such as a co-worker, friend or family member.
People who are being abused may experience or show the following:
Seem worried about pleasing their partner or at times afraid if they don’t do so
Talk about their partner’s temper, over-possessiveness, or jealousy
Feel they must “check-in” with their partner to report their where-a bouts or what they are doing
Go along with everything their partners says or does for fear of conflict
Receives harassing phone calls, text messages, or emails from their partner
Physical Violence warning signs:
Frequent unexplained injuries
Dress in clothing that will hide marks (bruises, scratches, scars) Sometimes they wear long sleeves in summer to hide things
Missing work, school, or activities without explanation
Isolation warning signs:
Rarely going anywhere without their partner
Limited access to resources such as money, car, banking accounts
Being restricted from seeing friends and family
Psychological warning signs that someone is being abused:
Have very low self-esteem
Show major changes in their personality (someone who is normally an extrovert suddenly becomes an introvert)
Being depressed, anxious, or suicidal
It’s difficult to know what to do when you suspect that someone you care about is being abused. You may feel you are being intrusive, that it’s none of your business, or what if you’re wrong? It’s important to do your best to find out by asking the right questions and showing you care. There is a difference between showing you care and being intrusive. It is in how you approach the situation. Here is some help:
Things that can help:
Ask if anything is wrong
Express concern
Listen to them and validate their feelings
Offer assistance
Support them in their decision
Things that won’t help:
Judging or blaming
Pressuring him or her
Giving advice
Placing conditions on your support
Additionally, don’t wait for them to come to you for help.
(Adapted from NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence)
Remember that getting out of a domestic violence situation is very scary and difficult. Try to be there for that person and offer support the best that you can. They often feel isolated and alone, so it is important to show them ways you can and will be there for them thru this difficult time.
Tomorrow Joleen will be giving valuable resources for anyone who is being abused or knows someone they want to help. Thank you to www.helpguide.org for this valuable information.
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Tags: abuse, domestic violence
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In recognition of October and Domestic Violence Month, we’re continuing our education on spousal abuse and domestic violence. Yesterday Teri introduced us to the many signs of domestic violence. Today we’re going to talk about the cycle or common pattern that domestic violence tends to fall into. Here’s how it begins:
- Abuse – The abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show “who is boss”.
- Guilt – After abusing, the abusive partner feels guilt, but not over what they have done. They are more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for their abusive behavior.
- Excuses – The abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame the other person for the abusive behavior – anything to avoid taking responsibility.
- “Normal” behavior- The abuser does everything they can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. They act as if nothing has happened, or they may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that they abuser has really changed this time.
- Fantasy and planning- The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing again. They spend alot of time thinking about what the other person has done wrong and how they’ll make the other person pay. Then they make a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
- Set-up – The abuser sets the victim up and puts their plan in motion, creating a situation where they can justify abusing.
The abuser’s apologies and caring/loving gestures in between episodes of abuse can make it difficult for anyone to leave a relationship. They may make you believe you are the only person who can help them, that things will be different this time, or that they truly love you. However, the dangers of staying are valid.
If you or someone you love is experiencing Domestic Violence and you need help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Thursday we will be discussing how to recognize the signs in someone else who may be in an abusive relationship. Thank you for reading!
*Sources: www.helpguide.org & www.domesticviolence.org
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: domestic violence, emotional abuse, physical abuse, spousal abuse
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It’s October which means it’s Domestic Violence month. In honor of this we thought it would be fitting to share info with you about this topic. This week you’ll learn about the signs of domestic violence, the cycle of violence, how to spot it in others lives, what to do, and receive tons of resources to help! Unfortunately domestic violence is a reality in our society in adult relationships and with dating teens. The more you know the better you will be able to help yourself or someone you love.
We appreciate the information we’ve gathered from helpguide.org and www.domesticviolence.org for today’s blog.
What is domestic violence?
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. It’s victims can be all genders, ages, socioeconomic statuses, ethnicities, and sexual orientations. Domestic violence does not discriminate! It can include physical, verbal, emotional/psychological, and sexual abuse. Each form of abuse is just as damaging as the others. It leaves its victims in fear and feeling paralyzed to break the cycle.
Signs you are in an abusive relationship
Do you:
- feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
- avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
- feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
- believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
- wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
- feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
- humiliate or yell at you?
- criticize you and put you down?
- treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
- ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
- blame you for his own abusive behavior?
- see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
- have a bad and unpredictable temper?
- hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
- threaten to take your children away or harm them?
- threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
- force you to have sex?
- destroy your belongings?
- act excessively jealous and possessive?
- control where you go or what you do?
- keep you from seeing your friends or family?
- limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
- constantly check up on you?
There is so much to write about on this topic that we will only cover some highlights this week. Please reach out for more information if you or a loved one is a victim of domestic violence. Keep reading tomorrow as Tamara explains the cycle of violence!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: domestic violence, emotional abuse, physical abuse, spousal abuse
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How many communication myths have you noticed so far in your relationships? Today we will finish up with myths 8-10:
Myth #8: “For healthy communication in a relationship, both people should be open and willing to communicate about their issues immediately, whenever the need arises” Reality: While it might seem ideal for our relationships to be able to drop everything and immediately discuss our issues in order to get them resolved quickly and effectively, that isn’t always realistic. Though it is important to discuss issues that arise, and to ensure that the relationship problems aren’t ‘swept under the rug’, it is equally as important for both people to be respectful of the others need for time and space before jumping right into dialogue of thoughts, feelings, and needs. Any time you are in a relationship, certain differences are bound to exist (e.g., one person is a night owl, the other an early bird; one person is the pursuer and hates having unresolved conflict, the other is the distancer and needs frequent breaks when conflict gets heated, etc.). This is natural, healthy, and unavoidable. Through therapy, couples can learn to appreciate their differences, understand each other’s needs, and learn to negotiate when is the best time to communicate effectively in the relationship’s best interests.
Myth #9: “If I communicate my needs to my partner, he/she should respect and love me enough to be able to meet that need”
Reality: Each person in the relationship has personal limitations and differing needs. Just because your partner isn’t able to meet every physical or emotional need you present, doesn’t mean that is an indication of their love and respect for the other person. Couples with healthy communication are able to recognize and respect one another’s limitations, to clearly ask for what they need, and to balance getting their needs met in a healthy way, both within and outside of the relationship.
Myth #10: “Healthy communication in my relationship shouldn’t be painful”
Reality: Too often, our way of thinking is that the less painful, the better our relationships. This myth can destroy relationships! Healthy couples don’t avoid the painful feelings, they embrace them and see them as an opportunity to learn, grow, and become closer in their relationship. Of course, they don’t willingly inflict emotional pain upon each other, but they are willing to communicate about the issues in their relationship or their history that are causing them sadness, anger, fear, etc. Sometimes healthy communication means hurt feelings, which is inevitable. It can, however, deepen the trust and commitment to the relationship, and promote intimacy and lasting connections, if done in a healthy way.
Thank you for reading our blog this week! Make sure and check back next week when we will do a feature blog in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness month. Hope your week is well!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
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Thank you Teri and Tamara for Myths 1-5. Isn’t it amazing the myths we believe? It seems we pick these up from so many different relationships in our lives and carry them around to interfere with many of our conversations. Here are 2 more:
Myth #6: “Our problems are so serious, we just can’t communicate with each other” Reality: Everyone can communicate in a healthy way if they make the choice to do so. As stated in Myth #2, healthy and effective communication doesn’t come naturally. It takes hard work, insight to your own personality, history, and issues, as well as commitment to work on changing towards a more positive direction. As we will discuss in Myth #7, you can not, not communicate!
Myth #7: “The most important aspect of the communication in our relationship is our verbal language”
Reality: Much of our most important communication occurs in non-verbal languages, including gestures, tone, facial expressions, conceptions and rules of time and space (e.g. “waiting for the doctor”, “the look of contempt”), etc. . More often than not, the most significant communication “rules” are unspoken. That may explain why we feel so betrayed when those rules are “broken.” Remember how you felt the last time someone cut in front of you in a line? The unspoken part of our language is equally as important as the spoken, and can communicate a lot! Studies from communication and anthropology show that when people from different cultures make each other uncomfortable, it is not the language barrier which is the problem, but rather the “languages” of time, space, order, and other non-verbal communication messages. How aware are you of the unspoken, non-verbal communication in your relationships?
Did you identify with either of these? Tomorrow Joleen will share our last few. Thank you for reading and have a great day!
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
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Teri got us off to a great start yesterday with uncovering some common mis-beliefs in communication. Here are 3 more communication myths individuals and couples believe that can create confusion in relationships:
Myth #3: “If my partner and I can just make more time to talk about our problems, it will solve all of our relationship issues”
Reality: There are several reasons why this statement isn’t true. First of all, though increasing communication in a relationship is imperative, it isn’t the only thing that is needed in order to improve the relationship. More of unhealthy communication only makes matters worse. If each individual isn’t aware of the unhealthy ways they are communicating with each other, it can become a circular pattern of never-ending conflict and pain. Secondly, how we communicate is more significant than how much- the amount of time spent talking isn’t nearly as important to the relationship as the quality of how people communicate. We call this the “process”—or how the communication feels. Does it feel disconnected? Blaming? Focused on surface things? Are you both interrupting each other? Are the words saying “yes”, but all other non-verbal cues are saying “no”? Are both individuals sharing equally, or is one person talking, and the other person is silent? Is one person becoming defensive and reactive, or making excuses? Does one person share how they are feeling, then the other person retreats and distances? Are both people screaming at the top of their lungs and neither person is hearing the other? These are common patterns of dysfunctional communication that we frequently work on with clients in therapy sessions. Most often, the manner in which people communicate is much more important than the content and quantity.
Myth #4: “Couples with healthy communication rarely fight”
Reality: Couples with healthy communication fight, but they fight fair! They are interested in the other person’s point of view, they genuinely want to know how the other person is feeling (even if it’s not what they want to hear), and they understand that healthy conflict is a crucial part of gaining deeper intimacy in the relationship.
Myth #5: “People with good communication skills are able to settle arguments where they can agree with each other”
Reality: Because people with healthy communication also have a good understanding of what they need, and how they feel, they are able to work with each other to arrive at a place of compromise—even if that means they ‘agree to disagree’. Healthy relationships mean working towards a place where each person feels like the situation is win/win, which sometimes means that they don’t agree, but each person feels that they are respected for their own point of view.
Hopefully if you notice yourself believing these above myths, you can start increasing positive communication and creating more closeness between you and others.
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: Communication myths
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Are you struggling with communication? Do you get frustrated when it feels like your partner and you aren’t on the same page? This might mean that you are believing some communication myths! Falling into the trap of these communication myths will only end in more frustration in you relationship. This week Imagine Hope will squash these myths in order for you to have a healthy shift in thinking when you are talking with others!
Myth #1: “If my partner really loved me and cared about me, he/she would instinctively know how I feel, and what I want and need to be happy in our relationship”
Reality: This is called the “mind-reading myth” – expecting your partner to know instinctively what you want and need without having to say anything, then feeling resentful, discouraged, frustrated, and unfulfilled when your needs aren’t met. In reality, people must specifically communicate their wants, needs, and expectations to others in order to potentially get those needs met, including communicating how they feel about issues that arise in the relationship. If this is something you have never done, it can be quite scary and awkward, and it takes a lot of practice. The rewards, however, can open up a whole new avenue of intimacy in the relationship, deepening the connection between two people. It is much more satisfying than sitting around and hoping that someone will eventually realize what you need, what is important to you, and how you feel!
Myth #2: “People who really love each other should automatically communicate well”
Reality: People don’t generally learn at a young age how to communicate effectively with others in ways that deepen and strengthen relationships. Good communication does not come naturally for most people. In fact, many of us learned very unhealthy ways of communication from various role models in our lives, and continue to communicate in unhealthy ways because it is all we know. Healthy communication takes great understanding and insight into your own issues, knowing your background and history, how you are the way you are, including your ‘hot spots’ as well as your ‘blind spots’. Learning how to communicate in an open and healthy way is one essential component to the growth of a relationship, and takes dedication and work to change.
More myths to come all week! Keep reading for more!!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Communication myths
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