Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
Self-help books are great tools for taking the things we teach in therapy sessions to a deeper explanation for your lives. I am always on a lookout for good ones! This week we are sharing our reviews of some we like with you! Hope you find one you enjoy that will help you work though somethings in your life!
Parenting from the Inside Out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell
Being a parent, I love to read about ways to improve. This book helps you take a deeper look inside yourself to help you be your best self, which will then help you be the best parent you can be. It digs into child development, neurobiology, and attachment styles as you sort through things that shaped you through your life. The healing that can come from this book could provide you and your children with a healthier approach to life. You can’t change your past, but healing can give you freedom from it. If you have a deeper understanding of where you’ve been, you’ll have more power in the future to not continue the dysfunction. As I read this book, things click for me about how we formulate our ideas from the situations we’ve been in. I am a firm believer as a therapist that we must be whole, complete, emotionally healthy people in order to have healthy relationships. Siegel and Hartzell have powerful exercises throughout the book to help you explore your own life. For being an intellectually stimulating book about deeper psychology, it isn’t difficult to grasp their concepts and apply them to your life. There are several “Ah-Ha” moments reading this. If you’ve ever found yourself frustrated and thinking, “I sound just like my mother”, then this book is a great tool for helping your break dysfunctional cycles!
Keep checking back this week for more great book recommendations!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Parenting books, self help books
Posted in coping skills, Family Issues, Parenting, Relationships, Therapy | No Comments »
Here are 2 more tips to add onto our list for this week’s blog:
6. Sex is natural, and children should not be made to feel shameful about their sexuality by adults behaving in “repressed” ways. As a parent you cannot fully protect your child from sexual over-stimulation, but your willingness to try creates a boundary that the child internalizes as a self-protective barrier. Monitoring what your children are watching on TV & movies, what sites they visit on the internet and what texts they receive on their phones will help them understand this barrier. Parents need to model adult love and affection and answer questions about sex in a straightforward manner that is age appropriate for the child to understand.
7. The way to build self-esteem is to tell children how “special” they are. Children shouldn’t have to accomplish anything in order to believe in themselves and they should be spared the harmful effects of competition. Competence, confidence and self-esteem come from taking the risk of trying something and finding out what you really can do. You get the experience of mastery that becomes a part of how you see yourself. If you don’t make a child accomplish anything or spare them from the effects of competition, then you are taking away self-esteem building opportunities. If stumbling or failure happens, then it’s more learning that a child gets to do and helps them become stronger and more realistic about themselves and what they are actually capable of doing. Not everyone can be good at everything, and helping your child figure out what skills they possess is key to forming a positive identity.
We hope you have found this weeks blog helpful. Check back next week, when we will be presenting book recommendations!
Adopted from: “Why is it Always About You?” by Sandy Hotchkiss
Tags: narcissism, Parenting, Sandy Hotchkiss
Posted in boundaries, Family Issues, Parenting | No Comments »
I know there are many fears that come with parenting. When we think about what our children will become when they grow up, our minds can wander in a million different directions- both positive and negative. For me and my husband, one of our huge fears is our children becoming self-absorbed. We have both seen the negative effects of this and how it not only effects the family but our world. I have found the tips we are discussing this week to be very helpful in raising our children. I must caution you: it is difficult for many people to understand this. They want to have children that are not full of themselves, however, they want to keep it easy on themselves as parents. I want to let you know- THIS IS DIFFICULT! But it is so worth it! Here are 2 more tips-
4. Children need freedom of expression. There’s no use in trying to stop problem behavior by being authoritarian, that just alienates kids by shaming them. No one likes to be the bad guy, however, children need boundaries. It is imperative they receive a parent’s input as they’re growing up and it is necessary to have their bubble burst when they’re acting too selfishly. Children also benefit from strong, nurturing parents who can serve as models. They desire positive, gentle corrective feedback. They also need a parent to practice what they preach and show the child what they believe to be right from wrong. Not only does this help a child develop a conscience, it also gives them someone to admire.
5. Empathy for a child is the same as treating him/her as a friend, sharing all my feelings and “modeling” closeness. Children need to know the truth about their parents at all times. Good parental boundaries mean not treating a child as a friend, confidant, or confessing things to them. This may make a child feel “special”, but this is a wrong kind of special. It gives the message to the child that they are an equal and this will then blur the parent-child roles. This behavior often results in children who have little to no respect for authority, whether it is the parent’s authority or that of any other adult.
Tomorrow Joleen will discuss 2 more things to avoid. Thank you so much for reading and have a wonderful day!
Adapted by Sandy Hotchkiss,
Why Is it Always about You?
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Tags: Sandy Hotchkiss, Self Absorbed children
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About 8 years ago, a Roper National Youth Survey was done asking teens what they thought was wrong with America. Some of their answers were: Selfishness/people not thinking of the rights of others & lack of parental discipline of children and teens. Sandy Hotchkiss, whom this week’s blog is taken from, sites more of the survey in her book, Why is it Always About You? Even our teens are noticing how skewed the country is getting, and the teens are attributing some of it to parenting! See if you hold any of these beliefs and take these tips to heart.
2. My child should never suffer. (If my child is unhappy, I am a bad parent.) Failure is always a negative experience and should be avoided at all costs. Suffering is part of being human unfortunately, and we would like to shield everyone we love from suffering, especially our children. Sometimes suffering can be as large as death or illness, or on a smaller scale such as losing a competition or not getting the gift you wanted for your birthday. If a parent jumps through hoops to make sure a child never feels the pain for a failure or suffering, then they are taking away that opportunity for that child to (a) build character, (b) figure out how to handle stressful times, and (c) figure out how to handle feelings such as anger, sadness, envy, guilt, loneliness, disappointment, etc… Children need real-life experiences so they can grow up in a real-life world and know how to function in it.
3. What is good for me is good for my child. This is not always necessarily true. This phrase does not address the fact the child is separate from the parent. A child is their own unique individual with their own thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Whether it’s a parent’s decision to divorce, re-marry, date, move, etc…. this belief of “what’s best for me will be best for them” will not apply. Sometimes these life choices are necessary and unavoidable. However, children have separate needs and separate interests.
As always, we hope this is getting your wheels to start spinning! There are several more tips for the rest of the week. Check back in & as always, thanks for reading!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: narcissism, Sandy Hotchkiss, Why is it Always About You?
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Doing the “right” thing as a parent is always a concern when you think about how to handle things with your children. In the book “Why Is It Always About You?” by Sandy Hotchkiss, she discusses a very important topic and gives parents tips for helping your child not be so self-absorbed. It’s developmentally appropriate for a child and teen to be egocentric or “all about me”. However, there does come a point when that God-given egocentrism starts giving way to selfishness, a sense of entitlement, or being down right cocky and rude. In order to make sure this can turn around, we have to look to the environment and see if the child is getting messages in anyway saying, “It is all about you!” Take note of the 7 items we talk about this week and see if you identify with any of them or share any of the attitudinal beliefs.
- My child is special and deserves to have everything, every experience, and every advantage. This word “special” has lost its meaning over the course of time. Prior to now it meant that someone had a unique talent, unusual quality or was superior in some way. Now it is meant to be a part of someone’s self-esteem, and most people almost expect to hear it as a part of their routine. Every child is special to his or her parents, and each child deserves to be treated humanely and respectfully. However, just because the parent sees the child as special does not mean that others are obligated to see the child as special as well.
Watch your parenting styles this week to see if you fall into this trap. Keep reading this week for more tips! You will be surprised at the simple changes you can make to help your child!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in boundaries, Codependency, communication, Parenting | No Comments »
This week, Imagine Hope Counseling Group is discussing signs of Adult Children of Dysfunction. So far, we have some insightful descriptions. Here are some additional signs:
- You are super responsible or super irresponsible. Children that have to “grow up” too fast (who aren’t allowed to consistently be a child, due to a chaotic, unsafe or dysfunctional family system throughout their childhood), learn that they have to take care of themselves and can’t depend on other’s to be there for them. This can cause hyper-responsibility, or difficulty “letting go” and having fun. The opposite can also occur, where a person tries to re-experience the loss of their childhood in their adult years, becoming irresponsible. Irresponsibility can also stem from not having good role models for what it means to be a responsible adult.
- You are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. Children who grow up in families that experience betrayal can learn to become secret keepers or protectors. Because they don’t learn healthy boundaries for inappropriate treatment and respect from others in intimate relationships, they often learn to deny their own experiences and allow harmful behavior as adults.
- You are impulsive. Emotional regulation is learned in our childhood through healthy parenting on the part of our family. Children who grow up in dysfuctional family systems or addictive and chaotic homes with little discipline (or too rigid of discipline), may not learn healthy regulation of impulses and impulse control. This may come out in the form of destructive decision making, addictive behavior that puts you at risk for harm, excessive spending, relationship addiction, outbursts of rage, food addiction and compulsive overeating, excessive gambling, etc. Impulsiveness can emerge as a way to satisfy unmet emotional needs, or as a reaction to feelings that you might not have learned other ways of coping with.
Did you recognize any of the signs of being an adult child of dysfunction? If so, here are some additional resources to help you in your journey to healing:
Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz
Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz
An Adult Child’s Guide to What’s “Normal” by John and Linda Friel
Perfect Daughters; Adult Daughters of Alcoholics by Robert Ackerman, Ph. D.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in addictions, boundaries, Codependency, counterdependency, Family Issues, Individual Therapy, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
As Tammy and Teri have described, living in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family can cause problems that carry over for generations to come. It is so important to recognize, deal with, and change those patterns of problems for the upcoming generation to feel true freedom from the dysfunction. One thing we see a lot, are families where the chains of addictions have been broken, however, the dysfunctional behaviors still exist in the family system. It is important to not be in denial because you or your partner may not be an addict. You could still be carrying over some of the behaviors of one. Here are a few more characteristics.
Adult children of alcoholics over-react to changes over which they have no control. You see a lot of anxiety when something changes that the person truly can’t do anything about. Specifically, if it is someone starting additive behaviors, but not limited to that in any way.
Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation. As mentioned earlier, many adults will not have drinking or drug addictions, if their parents did. They swore they would never do that. So many times we see them have approval addictions. They are trying to please everyone all the time and seeking the affirmation they didn’t get while their parents were “using”.
Adult children usually feel that they are different from other people. Because they don’t know what “normal” is and they know something at home is not right, they grow up thinking they are not “normal”. But because the typical pattern is to not talk about things like this, they don’t talk to anyone to find out what normal is. So they feel different. Not special, different.
As you can see, many areas of an adult child of an alcoholic (or dysfunction) are effected by the addiction. The biggest structure that keeps the addiction going is denial. So it’s easy to be in denial of how it effects you as an adult.
Tomorrow Joleen will give us a few more characteristics and give us some valuable resources to help. Thank you for reading!
Adapted from Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed. D.
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Tags: acoa, Adult Children of Alcoholics, dysfunctional families
Posted in addictions, Codependency | No Comments »
As a therapist working with clients from different family backgrounds, one thing rings true: No matter the type of dysfunction in a family, it produces similar characteristics in the next generation. Janet G. Woititz has done alot of research in this area and has come up with 13 characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics. As Teri described yesterday, you don’t have to grow up in an alcoholic family to experience these characteristics. You could also have grown up in a family where there were other compulsive behaviors or strict religious beliefs, among others. Here are 4 more characteristics:
- Adult children of alcoholics judge themself without mercy. Adult children don’t allow themselves to make any mistakes, put themselves down when they do, and are harder on themselves than anyone else would be.
- Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun. It can be due to feeling too anxious of letting go of control to have fun, or due to feeling as though you always need to be the “responsible” one in the group.
- Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously. It’s very hard for adult children to laugh at themselves, or laugh if someone else is poking fun at them (out of love).
- Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships. Difficulty doesn’t apply only to intimate/romantic relationships, but also family, friends and working relationships as well. Trouble can stem from difficulty building trust to having poor boundaries or feeling abandoned.
Thank you for reading and please check back in as we have many more characteristics to share!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: acoa, Adult Children of Alcoholics, dysfunctional families
Posted in addictions, Family Issues | No Comments »
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