Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
Janet Woititz is a pioneer in the field of helping Adult Children of Alcoholics live healthy lives. Her books were originally written with only children of alcoholics in mind, but has now expanded to include any type of dysfunctional setting. If you did not grow up with alcoholism but lived, for example, with other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, drug use, or overeating, or you experienced chronic illness or profound religious attitudes, or you were adopted, lived in foster care or another potentially dysfunctional systems, you may find that you identify with the characteristics we are talking about this week. Much of what Woititz found to be true for adult children of alcoholics is also true for countless others. Understanding this can help you feel less alone and empower you to conquer the dysfunction, rather than live in it as a curse.
This week Imagine Hope is sharing traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic by Janet Woititz. If you relate to any of these characteristics, you may need to do some healing from the dysfunctional environment from your past.
- Adult children of alcoholics guess what normal behavior is. They feel unsure about what they “should” do in basis life situations.
- Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. They tend to lack motivation and follow through. Failure then becomes inevitable.
- Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. Hiding and keeping secrets are a common coping mechanism that become normal, they don’t always do it intentionally.
Remember these traits apply to many other types of dysfunction than just alcoholism. Keep reading this week for more traits and resources!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Adult Children of Alcoholics, dysfunctional families
Posted in addictions, coping skills, Family Issues | No Comments »
This week we are discussing how to use internal boundaries for better communication. Today we will finish up some tips to help you with internal boundaries when you are listening.
6. If what you heard is “true”, open your boundary, take it in, and have feelings about it. This allows you to experience your role in the conflict and promotes healthy change. It also helps the listener to combat shameful feelings and reactions because you are only owning what your part is in the conflict or issue.
7. If what you are hearing is “not true”, work at keeping your boundary closed. If you have let it in, notice what you are feeling (anger, pain, joy, shame, passion, love, guilt or fear) but don’t attach to the feelings- actively work to push them out (i.e., “this is not about me”).
8. If what you are hearing is “questionable”, when the person is finished talking, ask for the data you need in order to decide if it is “true” or “not true”. Ask for the data in four sentences or less without complaining, blaming or explaining why you need the data. This helps the other person listen.
9. If you are experiencing a boundary violation, stand up for yourself, confront the boundary violation, and tell them to stop.
10. Evaluate what you have heard to determine if negotiation is necessary.
We hope this weeks blog is helpful to you with boundaries when you are communicating with others. As always, thank you for joining us!
Sources: “The Intimacy Factor” by Pia Mellody
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in boundaries, Codependency, communication, counterdependency, Family Issues, Individual Therapy, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
Hopefully Teri and Tamara have given you some understanding into internal boundaries and you are recognizing a better way to talk with people. Today we are offering more healthy ways to listen in your relationships. This is equally important.
Listening:
1.Set your external boundary in order feel more comfortable as you are listening. Like Teri said earlier, set your physical space so you feel comfortable. It is difficult to listen to someone if they are in your personal space because you are focusing on them being in your space!
2. Remind yourself not to take the blame. The person is simply just stating what they are thinking/feeling. It’s easy for our shame to take over and us to feel defensive. Try not to take the blame.
3. Remind yourself that you are listening to find out who the other person is, not to think of what you are going to say back to them. This is VERY important! We teach this in our couples session with every couple! Do not try to think of what you are going to say while they are talking! You are not really listening!
4. Remind yourself to regulate your emotions as you listen (take deep breaths). This will help you hear what the other person is actually saying.
5. Remind yourself that you are protecting yourself as you listen by determining if what is being said is “true”, “not true”, “questionable”, or a boundary violation.
Tomorrow Joleen will continue the listening techniques for internal boundaries. Thank you for reading and have a blessed week!
Adapted from Pia Melody’s “The Intimacy Factor”
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Posted in boundaries, communication, Relationships | No Comments »
I know I generally start Tuesday’s blog saying “If you haven’t read Monday’s blog, go back and start there”. Well, today isn’t any different! This week we’re discussing great tips on communication taken from Pia Mellody’s book The Intimacy Factor, & yesterday Teri went over a great introduction describing internal boundaries, along with 4 great communication tips. Here are 5 more communication tips for TALKING:
5. State what happened or what you want to share without using words that are demeaning (report sensory input). For example, say what you saw &/or heard: “You play the music loud.”
6. State what you believe or made up about what you stated in Rule 5. This is where you share your thoughts about why you believe the person did what they did in #5. “What I made up in my mind was that you did not care about my comfort.”
7. State how you feel or made yourself feel regarding what you said in Rule 6. In other words share your feelings.”And I made myself feel angry and I felt shame.”
8. State what you did regarding your thoughts (stated in Rule 5) and your feelings (stated in Rule 6): “And I decided to talk to you about the way you handle the music and the way I felt”.
9. State how you would prefer things to be, if appropriate. If negotiation is required, start the process as follows: Identify the problem; propose various solutions; choose a solution; and put the solution into action. Evaluate the results to see if further negotiation is necessary.
Realize that it is easier for someone to be less defensive as a listener if you use the phrases “made up about that” and “made myself feel about that”, than if you were to say “you, you, you”. Notice the difference?”. We hope if you try these talking techniques you start seeing differences in the way the people in your life respond back. Please check back in as Natalie & Joleen go over LISTENING tips on Thursday & Friday. Thanks for reading!
*Material taken from Pia Mellody’s book The Intimacy Factor.
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: Communication tips, Pia Mellody, The Intimacy Factor
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Pia Mellody is one of my favorite self-help authors. Tamara and I were able to hear her speak last fall at a conference! In her latest book “The Intimacy Factor”, she discusses many things related to boundaries. She specifically discusses an internal boundary system, which helps a person stay protected and contained when interacting with others. A Functional Internal Listening Boundary “sorts through what others are saying and feeling and only takes in and has feelings about what he knows to be truth”. This filtering system acts as a protective layer between you and others. A Functional Talking Internal Boundary “talks clearly, but in a politic and diplomatic manner and releases their emotions with moderation”. This serves as personal containment where you don’t give too much when interacting with another. This week Imagine Hope wants you to understand this internal boundary system to help you communicate with others in healthy ways. Keep reading all week as we cover things to remember when listening and talking. Talking Tips:
1. Set your external physical boundary in order to be more comfortable as you talk. Make sure you are standing or sitting at an appropriate distance from the other person, rather than too close or too far, which could cause discomfort.
2. Remind yourself not to blame.
3. Remind yourself you are sharing to be known, not to control or manipulate.
4. Remind yourself to moderate your emotions as you speak. Try to breathe deeply when you are experiencing emotion. Remember to use these tips when talking with others.
Tomorrow Tamara will give us more reminders to help us make sure we are being heard by others in a healthy way. Make sure you practice “containing” yourself in order to get your point across. Sharing everything that comes to mind will not be effective communication.
* Information from today’s blog is taken from “The Intimacy Factor” by Pia Mellody and from her lecture at a conference.
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Intimacy Factor, Pia Mellody
Posted in boundaries, Codependency, communication, Relationships | No Comments »
So far, we have described what Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is, as well as how it can impact your life. So what can you do to help with the symptoms? While there is no “cure” for SAD, there are things you can do to minimize and limit the symptoms to cope more effectively. Here are some treatment options:
- Light Therapy. Light therapy is used with a “light box”, which is a specially designed device that produces high levels of light and is usually used for 30 minute intervals twice a day (or as prescribed by your doctor).
- Psychotherapy/counseling. As with any form of depression, counseling can greatly assist you in identifying life stresses and learn better ways of coping that aid in depression symptoms.
- Antidepressants. While not all people need antidepressants, if you have tried other methods of coping and seem unable to make improvements with your symptoms (or if they seem to be getting worse), antidepressants may be needed to help with SAD.
- Living a healthy lifestyle. This means trying to keep a regular sleep schedule and good sleep hygiene, eating right, exercising, drinking water, limiting alcohol consumption, and eliminating addictive behaviors.
There are many options to treatment for SAD, though the best treatment for you depends on the severity of your symptoms, as well as the duration for which they have been present. Don’t hesitate to contact your doctor or a professional counselor if you identify with SAD symptoms. Help is closer than you realize!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in depression, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, Individual Therapy, stress | No Comments »
As we talk about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) this week, it is important to know the causes and the risk factors for the disorder
. There are three known causes of SAD:
- Lack of sunlight
- Low body temperature
- Poor hormone regulation
Risk factors include:
- Women are more at risk than men
- If you have a history of Depression. However, it is important to note that Depression and SAD are two different disorders. You cannot be diagnosed with both. SAD happens in relation to the causes mentioned previously, whereas Depression is caused by multiple issues.
Because we specialize in relationships, many people ask us how SAD can affect relationships. Like Depression, or any untreated mental health diagnosis for that matter, it can cause many problems. People with SAD tend to withdraw from others. So one person in the relationship may feel they have done something wrong and pull away. It may cause more conflict. People who suffer from Depression often feel negative so they can actually hear things more negatively than someone else might have meant it. This can cause arguments and fights in relationships. Sometimes we see clients self medicate by using substances, food, sex, or spending to feel better. This can cause multiple problems in a relationship. The person with SAD feels very unmotivated. This can cause problems as your partner may not see this as part of your disorder but simply you not doing your part.
As you can see, SAD can have many affects on a relationship. Tomorrow Joleen is going to tell us how SAD is treated and how you can get help.
Writeen by Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC
*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Yesterday we met Cindy who is most likely suffering from SAD. What exactly is Seasonal Affective Disorder? It’s a type of depression that affects a person during the same season each year. If you get depression in the winter, but feel much better in the Spring & Summer, you may have SAD.
What are the symptoms?
- Feeling sad, grumpy, moody or anxious
- loss of interest in usual activities or activities once enjoyed
- eating more/craving carbohydrates, such as bread & pasta
- weight gain
- sleeping more, oversleeping, &/or feeling drowsy during the day
- hopelessness
- social withdrawal
- appetite changes
- difficulty concentrating & processing information (slowed thinking)
SAD is a cyclic and seasonal condition, meaning symptoms come and go about the same time every year. Symptoms start in September/October and end in April/May. Symptoms of SAD & Clinical Depression are very similar, so your doctor or therapist may have questions for you to answer in order for them to know how to treat you appropriately. It’s normal to have days that are up and down. But, if you feel down for days at a time and can’t get motivated, or have thoughts of suicide, see your doctor or therapist immediately.
Stay tuned as we continue going thru the risk factors for SAD & how to manage and survive the seasonal depression. Thanks for reading!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: S.A.D., Seasonal Affective Disorder
Posted in coping skills, depression, stress | No Comments »
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