Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
Yesterday, Step 1 was discussed in creating better Joy and Fulfillment in life. Teri did a great job explaining how to start with yourself first in observing how you react to things in order to see what intrigues you. Today, we’re going to shift things a bit.
Step 2: Observe Others
When you’re listening to the people in your life, do you ever think “Wow, that sounds like fun!”, or “I would love to do that!”? Make a mental list of the people in your life and think of their hobbies and interests to see if any of those could bring better joy or fulfillment to your life as well. At the same time, take a look around your own life as if you were an outsider. Look at your own home and workplace. Do you see any themes? Generally, the things we keep around us can give us clues to what we find important and dear to our hearts. You might be able to find better joy and fulfillment in these things as well. If someone who didn’t know you very well were to walk into your house, what would they be able to say brings you joy just by walking around and observing what they see?
Is it becoming more clear? I hope so! If you’re still struggling to discover more joy and fulfillment, don’t worry! We have more ideas coming your way. Thank you for reading. Natalie will go over two more ideas on how to get better fulfillment later this week.
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: joy & fulfillment, passion
Posted in Healthy Living, Lighten up | No Comments »
Do you have passion for anything in your life? What do you love? What moves you in an emotional way? Family? A hobby? Animals? Music? Fixing things? What do you do in your life that creates a feeling of calm and peace and after you’re finished you feel fulfilled? If you have trouble answering any of these questions, this week’s blog is for you! This week Imagine Hope is talking about 5 different things to do to help you find fulfillment and joy in your life.
Step One: Observe Yourself
I encourage you to watch yourself this week. How do you choose to spend your time? Did you find joy in anything you did? Step outside of yourself and look at how you react to things. What tv shows do you watch and enjoy? Which ones do you dislike? What types of conversations draw you in and leave you feeling filled up emotionally? Which conversations exhaust you and leave you emotionally spent? Are you drawn in to your community and world events and news? What do you “wish” you had more time to do? Do you have a strong desire to try something new in your life, but haven’t taken the time to do it?
Observing yourself and answering the above questions can help you narrow down things in your life that can bring more joy and fulfillment. You most likely already have the answers, you just need to slow down and observe yourself to see what you need to invite more into your life.
Check back tomorrow to see our next step! Thanks for reading!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Avoiding Reality- This symptom of codependence presents itself in the form of using addictions, constant physical illness or emotional issues that serve to avoid the reality of their lives.
As a child, we are dependent: always needing and wanting. When parenting styles do not appropriately nurture a child, this can result in two extremes– an adult who is too dependent (not taking care of the basic needs they are responsible for), or an adult who is antidependent or needless/wantless (never asking for basic needs they have a right to get met from others). A codependent adult may have difficulty taking care of their own adult needs and wants because they weren’t taught how to appropriately name their own needs as a child (they learn that it won’t matter or they won’t be heard).
Impaired Intimacy- Codependent adults may have difficulty sharing who they are with others and hearing them share who they are.
As children, our natural tendency is to be immature– that’s the function of being a child! When parenting styles do not provide a stable environment for a child, this can result in a codependent adult either being extremely immature (chaotic) or very overmature (controlling). As an adult, a codependent may have difficulty experiencing and expressing their reality moderately, because they were never shown healthy balance of trust in self and others, or healthy boundaries.
Have you recognized any of these symptoms in yourself or a loved one? We hope this weeks blog has been helpful to you in your own recovery journey!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in addictions, boundaries, Codependency | No Comments »
Teri and Tamara have described what having the symptoms of Negative Control and Resentment can create in our lives as Codependents. Today I will discuss how having a Distorted or even Nonexistent Spiritual life can create issues as well.
Distorted or Nonexistent Sprirituality
People who struggle with Codependency sometimes struggle with experiencing a connection to a power greater than self. This can be for many different reasons. But we often see it transpire when a child feels imperfect and doesn’t meet their parents expectations. Children are naturally imperfect and are going to make mistakes. However, if a parent doesn’t allow room for imperfection, the child will do one of two extremes- either they will become rebellious (or “bad” in their mind) or become a perfectionist (or “good” in their mind). They will use this to survive the unreasonable expectation of being perfect.
In adulthood, this usually translates to a person having trouble owning and expressing what their beliefs of imperfection are and ultimately, not allowing themselves to feel the need to be perfect. The Codependent really does not believe they are allowed to make mistakes. And when they do, they feel horrible shame about it. Oftentimes, and more times than not, this is also projected onto their children. The children then learn they are not allowed to be imperfect which starts the cycle all over with another generation.
All of this than gets transcribed into: “I can’t get close to God or my Higher Power because I will never be good enough or perfect enough.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. God is all about accepting us right where we are. Higher Powers are all about acceptance as well. We do not come WHEN we are perfect. We come with our imperfections and work towards a better life.
Another great book recommendation to help with Codependency and Spirituality is “Love is a Choice” by Hemfelt, Minirth, and Meier. It is a great book to help integrate the two.
Tomorrow Joleen will help us with 2 more Symptoms. Thank you for reading! I hope you have a great week!
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Tags: dysfunctional symptoms of codependency
Posted in Codependency, communication, Family Issues, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | 1 Comment »
Codependency is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life (definition from wikipedia). At Imagine Hope, we see people fighting to recover from their codependency issues multiple times a day. They often have distorted characteristics, which can end in dysfunctional relationships. This week we are going to help you see where these traits are rooted and the ripple effect they can have throughout life.
Negative Control
Codependents feel comfort when they are able to have control over the reality of others. As children, everyone has a natural need to be valuable. It is normal to seek approval and to feel you can contribute. If this need is not met well, a child can develop dysfunctional survival traits of feeling less than or better than. Their esteem goes to extremes rather than being in healthy balance. As an adult these children will then have difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem. When they become parents, they will often struggle with appropriately esteeming their own children due to their inability to do it within themselves.
As a codependent balances their own esteem and realizes they are not being valuable to others by controlling them, the negative control will decrease. It will be shifted into a healthy control of self and ability to separate who they are from others issues. Their value will come from internal affirmations rather than their actions in life.
Do you suffer from codependency or do you know someone who does? Becoming more aware of the depth of your issues will give you power to change them. Keep reading this week to learn more traits and where they come from!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Controlling codependent, Negative control
Posted in boundaries, Codependency, coping skills, marriage counseling, Relationships, self esteem | No Comments »
This week, Imagine Hope is discussing how our love styles can impact us in our relationships later in life. Based on the book “How We Love” by Milan and Kay Yerkovich, today we will discuss the love style of The Secure Connector.
The Secure Connector is comfortable with a reciprocal relationship– giving and receiving love in your marriage, and have balance in both. If you are a secure connector, you can describe strengths and weaknesses in yourself and others without idealizing or devaluing. You are good at self-reflection and know what is inside you, which makes it easy to clearly communicate your feelings and needs. Resolving conflict was modeled for you growing up, so in your marriage it is natural for you to address problems, accept advice, seek alternative perspectives, and negotiate and compromise to resolve problems. You know you are not perfect and can apologize when you are wrong. You can also set boundaries and say “no”. You are comfortable with new situations, can take risks, and delay gratification. When upset, you go to your mate for help and comfort. You may have some of these qualities and need to improve on some of the others.
If you find that some of these qualities are present, continue to work on them and help your relationship feel safe and secure for both you and your partner. If you recognize that some of the qualities are difficult for you, set a goal today and pick one of the areas listed above in which you would like to make progress.
We hope you have found this week’s blog helpful! Thank you for reading, as always and be sure to check back with us next week, when we’ll be discussing different symptoms of Codependency.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in boundaries, communication, Emotional needs, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
By now you may have identified some of the ways you love by either being an avoider, a pleaser, or a vacillator. If you are not sure what these types are, please read Teri and Tamara’s blog from earlier in the week. This information is from the powerful book, “How We Love” by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. Today I will talk to you about the Controller and the Victim
The Controller
We all probably know someone who is the Controller. Some of us may work for someone like this or even be married to someone with this style. Many times, the Controller grew up in a chaotic environment where they felt little control over circumstances or emotions. The emotional climate was chaotic and chaos seemed “normal”. So they learned to control things to feel better. The Controller as an adult uses threats, intimidation, and sometimes even violence to get their needs met. They are very uncomfortable with vulnerable emotions in themselves like fear, grief, or insecurity, so they lash out in anger to divert anyone from seeing this pain.
In order for a Controller to heal, they must acknowledge and confront the pain of growing up in such chaos. They must also become more comfortable with their own emotions as well as the emotions of those around them. There is usually a lot of grief under the anger.
The Victim
The Victim usually grew up in a chaotic home as well. They tried to be passive, complaint, and not noticed, in order to avoid negative emotion. Usually they will marry someone who is controlling. Because they feel controlled and feel very little control over their circumstances, they often feel like a victim. They love with a Victim mentality. They do not want to rock the boat so they don’t share anything that is negative. Because they don’t have a voice, they often feel controlled by their spouse, thus they feel like a victim. It is a cycle.
It is important for the Victim to also identify and process the pain of a chaotic home. It is imperative for them to find a safe person to talk to in order to learn to have a voice and it be heard. Then they can gain confidence to actually tell their feelings to the Controller and feel ok with their feelings.
Tomorrow Joleen will tell us about the Secure Connector. I hope you are learning to identify how you love this week. Thank you for reading.
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.
Tags: Love styles
Posted in boundaries, Codependency, communication, Family Issues, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
No one wants to damage their relationship and the way they love each other. Learning these 5 love styles by Milan & Kay Yerkovich can create deeper connections in your relationship and create more intimacy. Let’s discuss two more styles:
The Pleaser
This person growing up was the “good child” and wanted to make everyone happy and proud of them. This person does not like criticism or rejection, and therefore meets the needs of other people without being concerned about their own needs being met. Because this person does not like rejection, being separated or in conflict with loved ones creates anxiety and insecurity (or sometimes jealousy) to develop. Oftentimes it’s hard to be honest for fear of other’s reactions will be. This person bites their tongue, avoids conflict, and feels resentful often.
To overcome this, a Pleaser can start saying “No”. The goal is emotional honesty, which will create self-confidence, pride and less resentment. As a result of “saying what you mean and meaning what you say”, other people will start to understand your needs and start honoring them. As a result, relationships feel more fulfilling and respectful.
The Vacillator
This person could be described as “sensitive” and has a deep desire to connect to their loved one. They easily get rejected or feel unwanted or abandoned. Early in relationships they put their mate up on a pedestal, only to be disappointed or angry when their expectations of this person isn’t met. People in relationships with a vacillator feel like they “walk on eggshells” because of the different types of emotions shown by a vacillator (either intense love or disappointment). This person focuses on the negatives in others, and doesn’t easily accept the flaws in other people.
The goal here is to start being direct with needs. Don’t assume loved ones knows what a Vacillator wants, or that “if they loved you enough they would just know what you need”. That’s bologna. Really. Accept the positives and negatives in everybody and learn how to express sadness and hurt instead of anger. The goal is to be respectful when sharing hurt feelings & looking at each situation & person realistically and not putting them on a pedestal.
Know a Pleaser or Vacillator? Maybe you identify with these styles yourself? If so, check out Milan & Kay Yerkovich’s book “How We Love” for more information. Check back in on Thursday as Natalie goes over the next style, Controllers. Thanks for reading!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: how we love, Love styles
Posted in Abandonment, boundaries, communication, Emotional needs, Family Issues, Healthy Living, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
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Imagine Hope BlogosphereBlogs by Imagine Hope Counselors
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Teri Claassen's Blog
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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Natalie Chandler's Blog
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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Joleen Watson's Blog
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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Tamara Wilhelm's Blog
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Grief Counseling, Codependency, Marriage/Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, Sexual Addiction, Group Counseling.
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