Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
Whether you realize it or not, you have relationship rules and role expectations. It’s how we believe things are going to be when we’re married. It’s how the man and the woman are going to “act” or what each person is going to be in charge of in the marriage. Where does this come from? Generally it can come from what we saw modeled from our family/parents. But remember, your spouse didn’t grow up in the same family!
It’s very important for you to talk about what you have in mind with one another. For example, who fixes things when they break? Who is the primary breadwinner financially? Who is expected to work, and if so, how much? Who does the cooking, cleaning, and laundry? Who handles the money and finances?
In addition to marital roles, we sometimes have “marital rules”. For example, “Don’t work too hard or too late”, “Expect sex at least twice a week”, “Don’t talk about money outside of the family”, or “Don’t buy expensive gifts”.
Agreeing to roles prior to marriage can relieve alot of arguments down the road. Talking about the rules you have can help as well. It can help you see if these are rules you carry from your own personal family and if these rules will clash with your future spouse’s rules.
Talking about these two things helps get them out in the open and allows you as a couple to compromise. From here you can operate your marriage on an agreed upon set of rules which will make your marriage go smoother.
Please check back in tomorrow as Alexa will discuss styles of love. We still have communication and fair fighting to cover as well. Thank you for reading!
*Resources: Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts by Dr. Les Parrott & Dr. Leslie Parrott & The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: pre-marital counseling
Posted in communication, Healthy Living, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
Imagine Hope is getting several calls each week for people who want to save their marriage before it starts! Couples are starting to realize that they need to do more planning for their marriage while they plan their wedding. Many get caught up in the thrill of engagement and wedding stuff, that they loose sight of all the things that go into having a successful marriage. Read all week for important things to discuss before you say “I Do”.
What are your expectations for marriage?
Are they healthy? Couples figure out quickly that “Happily ever after” isn’t realistic. Each person needs to contribute to working on the relationship on a steady basis, and even then it’s important to expect some difficult times and struggles.
Most couples come into the relationship with hidden expectations of what married life will be like, which they often have never communicated to each other directly. Be realistic in your marital expectations, and don’t expect perfection.
Recognize that relationships go through different phases. The excitement and over-the-top feelings of enmeshment from the beginning days of the relationship gradually transform to a deeper connection and a different type of love.
Accept the fact that you are married to (or marrying) a human being who is flawed and imperfect, which means there will be disappointments and difficulties along the way.
Levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment are constantly shifting in marriage from time to time. The important part is to be aware of this and be open to talking about it with each other. If you begin your marriage with a realistic mindset that you will commit to working through issues and tough times that arise, your marriage will be stronger and more likely to succeed.
Check back tomorrow as Tamara gives more great ideas of things to talk about before you get married!
Getting married soon? Give the gift of premarital counseling to each other and make sure you start your marriage off on the right foot! Call 317-569-0046 to get started!
*Resources: Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts by Dr. Les Parrott & Dr. Leslie Parrott & The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Premarital counseling
Posted in communication, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
This week, Imagine Hope is discussing the different types of messages we give to others in our communication– termed “Garbage Messages” or “Flower Messages”. In review, garbage messages are negative and hurtful or demeaning, while flower messages are those that help us feel better about ourselves and sound more uplifting and positive. As you read through this week’s blog, keep in mind some of these questions: What are some of the rules and messages you brought from the family you lived in? How many of them made you feel an increased value about yourself and how many of them made you feel bad about yourself? Chances are, if you had garbage messages or flower messages in your family system as a child, you are likely to have them as an adult. Here are some more flower messages:
- It’s a pleasure to work with you. This is a great one for those you appreciate at work. One of the things I noticed at various businesses in this area is when you say “Thank you”, they respond with “my pleasure” rather than “your welcome”. Sometimes, our words of affirmation get so automatic, we respond without really putting much thought into what we are saying. This flower message conveys appreciation on a deeper level.
- I like you just the way you are. Even though this sounds a little like a song from the 60′s, it is a great way to tell someone (especially your spouse!) that you love them for ALL of them… even their faults!
- It’s okay to have a lot of feelings. Many of us grew up in homes where certain feelings were “off limits”, even if this rule was unspoken. Perhaps it was frowned upon to be “emotional” at all. As adults, that can make it difficult to feel secure in letting others see your feelings without feeling shame. This flower message helps us convey to others that we appreciate and respect their feelings and want to hear how they feel.
- Sometimes tears are refreshing. Each week I hear client’s use the words “I’m sorry” or “sorry” after they shed tears in my office…. and this is a flower message I use (or “you never have to apologize for your tears… they are there for a reason!”). Sometimes tears ARE refreshing. Especially if they have been pent up for a long time. Crying is healthy and necessary sometimes!
- I’m sorry. You are right. This one is a HUGE one for many couples who get into power struggles. Somehow, in relationships we mistake saying “I’m sorry, you are right”, for telling the other person that we are “bad” or “inadequate”. Saying “I’m sorry, you are right (when the other person truly is right) doesn’t mean you are “bad” or “less than”. If you are genuinely and sincerely wrong, let the other person know! Not only is this considerate, but it shows humility and grace, as well. We can’t expect others to be humble if we can’t genuinely apologize for our own wrongdoing.
- I’m happy when I’m with you. Who doesn’t like to hear that we make another person happy? If all we hear is the negative and critical things we bring to a relationship, after awhile, we begin to wonder why that person wants to be with us at all! This flower message is usually present early on in our relationships, but over time we forget to tell our partner. Remember how it felt when you first started dating and your partner let you know how much they enjoyed spending time with you? Even telling your spouse this can help you start to change your frame of mind to something more positive.
Thank you for reading this week’s blog– we are so happy and appreciative that you joined us and took the time from your day to read our messages. We like you just the way you are! 
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: flower messages, positive self-talk, Self Esteem
Posted in Codependency, communication, counterdependency, depression, Family Issues, Healthy Living, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, Marriage, marriage counseling, Parenting, Relationships, self esteem | No Comments »
By now you are understanding what a Garbage Message is. Now let’s talk about Flower Messages. These are messages that we send that are encouraging, uplifting, and create a feeling of value to a person. Here are some examples:
That was a greally good idea you had
This is allowing someone (especially children) to feel free to explore and have “ideas” rather than to be told what to think and do all the time. This validates to them that you are excited about their thought- even if it didn’t solve the problem- and that you heard it.
Keep up the good work
This sends a message of encouragement. They see that you are aware of their work and this can encourage them to continue on. Every one needs a cheerleader every now and then, to let us know we are noticed and someone is appreciative.
You are a special person
Everyone wants to be special. Think about how many people you have in your life that are special. Now think about the last time you told them they were. We don’t do it often enough. It’s important that everyone knows they are special. We encourage you to tell someone if you think they are.
Good for you!
Again, this is encouraging! You are letting the person know you are happy for them. If they have found success, you are letting them know you are excited for them. This is a congratulatory flower message.
You seem to have a lot of good ideas
When we give out our ideas, we put ourselves out there for others to criticize or put our ideas down. So when someone does have a lot of good ideas, it’s important to let them know you see that. This will encourage them to continue being courageous and not shy about putting themselves out there.
You’ll probably learn a lot from that mistake
This flower message lets someone know that it’s ok to make a mistake and that you are encouraged because they will probably learn from it. It sounds so different than “You made your bed, now lie in it”, where there is no room for mistakes. It is encouraging and affirming to the person that it is ok and they will learn.
Hopefully you are understanding flower messages and getting some ideas for statements you can make to your children or any relationships for that matter. One thing to remember- we usually attract what we are. So if you are full of flower messages, you will probably receive more of them. Unfortunately, the same is true for garbage!
Tomorrow Joleen will have more flower messages. Thank you for reading. You are a special person, that was a good idea you had (to read this), and keep up the good work!! Ha ha
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: Flower Statements, Garbage Messages
Posted in boundaries, communication, Relationships | No Comments »
We all engage in negative self-talk. These are the conversations we have with ourselves in our heads that spiral from “oops I made a mistake” to “I’m the stupidest person on the planet”. Negative self- talk stems from many messages we received as children called Garbage Messages. Terri and Tamara have been talking about some of the Garbage Messages that we are given and put into our basket. If you find any of the following seemingly innocent messages in your basket, really look at it and decide if you need to keep it there, or throw it away.
Garbage Messages (unhealthy messages that make us feel bad and unloved):
Anything worth doing is worth doing well. While this message is usually given with good intentions, it sends a point to strive for perfectionism every time! You must succeed no matter what the cost. Perfectionism messages are strong and damaging in every sense. Sometimes the experience that the person is engaged in can be rewarding, whether or not the person is perfect. Not everyone can be a perfect swimmer, but some of us like to swim anyway!
Money does not grow on trees. This message has an underlying message of judgment. The message is being sent by someone who does not agree with what the spender has purchased. While it is important to manage money in a responsible way, not everyone will agree on what they want to spend money on. We see this become a big issue in marriage counseling. Individuals need to experience success and failure when it comes to money so they develop their own value system with regards to finances.
You can do better. This statement is another message of judgment that states what you are doing is not good enough. Individuals can look into themselves to decide if you are doing as well as you can. Look to your own judgment to decide if you did well enough, not someone else’s.
I told you so! This power statement delivers a clear message that you should have listened to the deliverer and you are wrong! This garbage message is a tough one to hear, and sometimes difficult not to say! This message oozes judgment and lends to feelings of shame. The implication can lead to feelings of inferiority, incapability, and lack of confidence on one’s decision making and creating codependency.
Don’t air your dirty laundry. Another way to say this is do not talk about your problems and do not ask for help. This message is awash in undercurrents of distrust, fear, and perfectionism. While you may not want to make your personal problems your Facebook Status Update, it is healthy to find a trusted friend or professional and talk about what is bothering you. It is unhealthy to bottle up your feelings.
Blood is thicker than water. This is a clear message that family loyalty comes first, whether or not it is deserved. Sometimes friendships are better for you than family members. You cannot choose your family members, but you can choose whether or not to be with them! Everyone has choices as to with whom you feel loyalty. Loyalty is earned and not everyone deserves it!
All of these garbage messages have underlying implications that you cannot trust yourself. It is a dangerous and destructive message to send, receive and carry around. Do you have room in your basket for these kinds of messages? Do you want them there? Would you rather carry a basket of garbage or flowers?
Tune in tomorrow and Friday as Natalie and Joleen talk about flower messages!
As always, thanks for reading!
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: boundaries, negative self talk, Self Esteem
Posted in boundaries, Codependency, communication, Family Issues, self esteem, Uncategorized | No Comments »
I love this week’s blog because it brings to all of our attention how we’re communicating with each other and whether that communication is positive or negative. Do we plant flowers, or do we spread garbage? Quite the visual, isn’t it? Today we’re going to talk more about Garbage Messages. Some of these messages may have been common in your household growing up, or are messages you give currently. You may not realize these are even unhealthy, so we’ll discuss why.
Garbage Messages (messages that make us feel bad and unloved)
- Family business is private business. Of course we don’t want to go around sharing private family information, but there is a limit to this message. Giving this message too often in a family creates the unspoken belief that “outsiders” or other people cannot be trusted. It creates dependence and sole reliance on the family. Yes, we need to be able to rely on our family members, but this message make it sound as though family are the only people that are reliable and trustworthy people.
- Work first, play later. Being a hard worker is definitely important and can build great character. However, a downside to this message is that it also says, “What you do is more important than who you are”. There must be a balance between work and play (hobbies, interests, etc..). It’s important that we remain human beings than human-doings.
- Boys don’t cry. Hopefully it’s clear why this message would be unhealthy! We don’t want to give men the impression that they must always be strong. There are different kinds of strength too….physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, etc… We do find that individuals who are able to express emotion are much healthier physically and emotionally and report more life satisfaction.
- Women shouldn’t get angry. This is similar to the one above. We don’t want to give the message that women cannot express angry feelings. Remember that anger is an emotion just like happiness and fear. It’s what we DO with the emotion that can become healthy or unhealthy. Expressing emotion, whether you are male or female is perfectly fine. It’s HOW you do it that can get inappropriate.
- Don’t speak unless spoken to. We want to teach patience and manners. However, we also want to allow individuals to have a voice and speak up if they have reactions to things that feel inappropriate in their gut. This statement gives the message that spontaneity is wrong. We want individuals to speak up if their gut or intuition says, “Hey, something isn’t right here”.
- Don’t talk about sex. Sex is a naturally occurring topic and very important area in relationships/marriage just as finances and communication. To give the message “Don’t talk about sex”, it can give the impression that sex is bad or wrong, or that the human body is bad or wrong. Shame then surrounds the topic of sex, and it becomes very uncomfortable to discuss between two individuals. The key is communicating about sex just as you would about finances and other relationship topics.
- You made your bed, now lie in it. This statement gives the message that mistakes are not allowed. It gives the impression that mistakes can be avoided, thus creating perfectionism and shame in the relationship. This will also create secrecy when mistakes are made, because the person who made the mistake will want to hide the fact that they made it, so they’ll not want to disappoint anyone. The key is realizing that mistakes are part of being human, everyone is going to make them, and letting loved ones know that they are still accepted even if they do make mistakes.
If you find yourself giving these messages, don’t worry! You can change them into flower messages and turn things around. If you grew up with these messages, recognize that you can put “flowers” into your basket and toss the garbage out. We have more garbage messages for you tomorrow so you know what to avoid. Thank you for reading and have a great day!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: Garbage Messages
Posted in boundaries, communication, Healthy Living, Relationships | No Comments »
What messages do you send to others? What messages do others give to you? What about the messages you tell yourself in your own head?
Are these messages promoting self-growth or self-destruction?
Imagine yourself as a large basket given to you at birth. During your early years, you collect information from the world around you that gives you energy, hope, skills, desire, and good feelings about yourself. These are called “Flower Messages”. These are positive messages that make people feel better about themselves. For example, “I’m really proud of you today”. This ‘flower message’ gives someone a feeling that they are good and contributed in a good way to someone around them.
You also collect messages that make you feel inadequate, small, guilty, and afraid. These are called “Garbage Messages”. These messages make us feel bad and unloved. For example, “Don’t say anything if you can’t say something nice.” Although this concept is thoughtful and helps people filter through how to communicate to others, it also teaches someone to hide their true feelings and avoid all conflict. This garbage message causes someone to not be real with something that is upsetting or uncomfortable, and it also tells them it isn’t ok to have boundaries with someone. Remember when you do have something negative to say to do so in a constructive way that expresses your feeling and your need. This will help the other person hear you better.
All week we will be sharing more flower messages and garbage messages with you. Pay attention to how you are filling others baskets around you. You might realize you are carrying around more garbage in your basket than flowers. If so, it’s time to make a change! Keep reading tomorrow for more!
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in communication, Relationships, self esteem | No Comments »
So far, have you used any of this week’s blog post suggestions to help with your relationship with yourself? Or, maybe you are wondering “How can you love someone too much?”… I mean, isn’t that what we are supposed to be doing? Loving others with all we have? This week, Imagine Hope discusses what it means to “Love too much” in a relationship– which is basically where you love others to the point of losing (sacrificing, or giving away) your healthy identity and self-worth.
As we discuss a lot on our blog posts, having good relationships with others is very important, but it’s just as important to have a good relationship with your self. Working on this isn’t selfish, it’s taking care of yourself! And as we know, we can’t take care of the people who are appropriately depending on us (like our children), if we don’t know how to take care of ourselves… Furthermore, we shouldn’t be taking care of others who can take care of themselves, anyway! So, keep reading and keep using this week’s tips on how to start loving yourself a little more!
9. Work on valuing your own serenity and peace of mind above all else.
Have you ever noticed that many of the people in your life have constant chaos and drama in their day to day world? Perhaps they try and draw you into the chaos and that creates chaos in your own life? Or maybe there is always a “crisis” or something going “wrong” in their life that they try to pull you into by “venting” to you, or asking you to do things you feel uncomfortable with. This could be coming from family members, friendships, or dating relationships. If this is happening, you might be valuing other’s peace and serenity over your own. This is part of “loving too much”.
Or, maybe the people around you tell you that you have constant drama and chaos in your own life? Perhaps they tell you that you always seem to be engaged in situations that are a “crisis” or messy and chaotic– that things never seem to be just “okay” in your life, or that you seem to consistently have something going “wrong” with some aspect of your life. Some people actually seem to enjoy having the constant drama in their life. It keeps them from having to look at their own emotional pain and life situation and doing something about it. Either way, to work on becoming healthier, stop inviting chaos, drama, and constant struggles in your relationships with others.
Remember… in our relationships, people can only do what we ALLOW them to do!
Work on protecting yourself by setting boundaries with others. This doesn’t mean that you never listen to them or that you can’t be there for them– it means that when you are there for that person, you aren’t doing things that feel unhealthy and uncomfortable for you! Unfortunately, this might mean the loss of some relationships, which can be frightening. Other people don’t necessarily like it when we change– so they may get angry or upset because you are changing how you relate to them. As you work on loving yourself more, however, you will see that peace unfold in your life.
10. Realize that in order for a relationship to work, it must be between partners who share similar values, interests and goals. If someone has a belief system or a value system that doesn’t match yours, you will struggle. And sometimes, people try to change their own value system to match another person’s, which rarely works! For example, if you place a strong value on honesty, but are in a relationship with someone who is consistently dishonest with others or keeps secrets, you aren’t loving yourself to allow this kind of behavior in your life.
Whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship, each person in that relationship must be capable to have healthy intimacy for it to work out. Sometimes, we try to change other people to get our own needs met, so realizing that someone else might not be capable of what you are asking for, is important. This can help you let go of changing them and work on changing yourself and your expectations instead. Remember, you are worthy of the best that life has to offer!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: boundaries, Loving too much, Self Esteem, well-being
Posted in Abuse, boundaries, Codependency, communication, Emotional needs, Family Issues, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationship Addiction, Relationships, self esteem | No Comments »
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