Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
Hopefully this week you have been able to identify if your relationship is healthy/intimate or has more addictive characteristics. Being in an addictive type relationship can be very stressful. Many people don’t even realize they are in one until they read something like this or talk to a professional who is an expert in relationships. It’s not a common theme talked about in relationships. But now that you are more aware, hopefully you can start working on things that you are identifying as addictive vs. healthy.
An Intimate Relationship deals with things as they come along vs. the Addictive Relationship that uses denial to deal with things.
In an intimate relationship, the partners talk about things openly as they come up. If they cannot at that exact moment, they plan a time they can address it when they can both be present and listen to each other. When they do talk, they both listen and verbalize their feelings. An addictive relationship pretends everything is fine or just sweeps thing under the rug. This is usually to protect the relationship and keep them from having conflict. But conflict, when done in a constructive way, can bring more intimacy to couples. Avoiding it only builds a wedge.
In an intimate relationship, the commitment is based on a mutual true interest in each other’s spiritual path, even if that means it might take that person away vs. in an addictive relationship where each other’s spiritual growth doesn’t really matter or count.
It is important for couples to understand and respect each other’s spirituality. Notice I didn’t say believe the same way or agree on everything. It is ok to have differences. However, it’s very important to talk openly and try to understand those differences. In addictive relationships, a person feels threatened if the other partner doesn’t believe the same way they do, so they try to force their beliefs on the other partner or try to get them to abandon their core beliefs. This is unhealthy and controlling.
In an intimate relationship, love is always an act of self-love vs. in an addictive relationship, love is wanting someone to love me at all costs.
Basically, when we learn to love, accept, and respect ourselves, it is easier to love others. The love we feel pours out onto them. In an intimate relationship, the love we feel automatically goes out to others we love. In an addictive relationship, it is all about trying to get that other person to love you. Many times it’s never enough and comes at a high cost (because it’s never enough). It feels like there is a limited amount of love vs in an intimate relationship where there is an abundance of love. The person loves themselves so they feel “full” and can easily pour that onto their partner. Now of course we are not speaking of the kind of self-love that takes and only thinks of themselves. It is a healthy self-love that God wants us to have so we can give it out to others.
We hope this week has been helpful in identifying what additive love looks like. If you have any questions or would like to come in to talk to us about your relationship, please give us a call or fill out a connection card. Joleen is taking a well deserved break this week and will return next week so we have tomorrow off. Thanks so much for reading and have a great week!
Taken from “Leaving the Enchanted Forest” by Covington and Beckett
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: addictive love, addictive relationships, intimate love
Posted in addictions, boundaries, Codependency, communication, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | 2 Comments »
In an intimate relationship you know that you begin your feelings with yourself. You know your feelings come from within. In an addictive relationship, your feelings are due to someone else’s choices or behaviors.
In healthy relationships, we own our feelings. We know that no one else can make us feel any way. In healthy relationships we communicate our needs and wants with “I feel…” and “I need…” In healthy relationships we have our own sense of self and independence to feel our feelings regardless of what our partner does. In addictive relationships, we blame our partner for our feelings. We use phrases that begin with, “you make me feel…” or “if you would not ____, then I would not be sad all the time”. Being in an addictive relationship only gives room for you to respond to your partner’s feelings and behaviors. There is no room for you to have your own independent feelings.
In an intimate relationship you can take care of yourself. Both partners understand you are solely responsible for figuring out what you need and communicate those needs to others. In addictive relationships, you assume your partner will know what is right for you and fix the problem.
In healthy relationships we know we are responsible for our own happiness and we want happiness for our partners. We support our partner’s journey to achieve happiness and join in the journey when we both want the same thing. When healthy lovers communicate well, they can achieve support and receive support. Healthy lovers can ask for help or communicate wants and desires as well as dislikes. Addictive relationships create double binds where no one can win. A partner may believe that if they tell you what they want, and you do it, it does not count because they had to ask for them. If they do not tell you what they want and you don’t do it or if you don’t do it the way they ask, it does not count. In the end they feel unloved. In addictive relationships, we demand the partner take care of our needs.
In intimate relationships, partners deal with reality. Addictive relationships are based on delusions.
Lovers who are in intimate relationship live in the real world. They are able to be together while meeting the needs and overcoming the challenges of daily life. They are able to make time for each other and come back to each other and reconnect when they have been separated by life’s events. Addictive relationships are usually based on fantasy. Many affairs are this way. In this situation, perhaps a couple is only having rendezvous and not dealing with the day to day tasks of family life. This relationship is an escape, or a high. It is not based in reality.
Please continue to check in this week as Natalie talks about more examples of Intimate vs. Addictive Relationships.
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Source: Leaving the Enchanted Forest: The Path from Relationship Addiction to Intimacy by Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: addictive love, intimate love, Relationships
Posted in addictions, Affairs, Codependency, Emotional needs, Healthy Living, Relationship Addiction, Uncategorized | No Comments »
In an intimate relationship you have a sense of freedom vs. in an addictive relationship there is a sense of compulsion.
In healthy relationships, there’s a sense of emotional and physical freedom that you can say what’s on your mind, ask for help, make suggestions and choices that won’t result in ridicule or abandonment. In addictive relationships however, a person may feel as though there’s certain things they have to do, feel an emotional drive to do, in order to avoid being made fun of, or to avoid arguments. Or, a person may do things to make sure a person feels happy, stays around the house more, or to get approval.
In intimate relationships you feel the desire to share needs and feelings vs in an addictive relationship there are “no talk” rules, especially if things are not working out.
When you’re in a healthy relationship, you are encouraged to share your needs and feelings, and are rewarded for sharing (by thank you’s and that person sharing with you as well). This is how we get to know each other on a deeper level and create stronger bonds. In addictive relationships, deep conversations are avoided, mainly becuase one or both people are uncomfortable with strong emotion. If things aren’t working out, one or both people believe ignoring the situation may make it go away, only to find it blows up later down the road.
Intimate relationships are always changing, vs addictive relationships which always stay the same.
Healthy relationships grow together, mature together and evolve. The couple finds things to do that emotionaly, or mentally stimulate themselves and stretch them beyond their comfort zone. Addictive relationships are like pond-water. Not much changes with them, they don’t really have anything to report in terms of updates, and sometimes they report low life-satisfaction when it comes to happiness.
Intimate relationships want to be present vs addictive relationships feel as though they have to be there.
In healthy relationships, the couple feels as though they are choosing to be with their significant other. They want to be in the relationship because of love, validation, respect, and gratitude. If the relationship were to end, each person would know and believe they’d be alright. They know they would grieve the loss, but they know deep down their worth and value is not because of the other person. In addictive relationships, the individuals believe they have to be there. They worry how their significant other will get along in life if they’re not there. Or, they worry about how they will get along in life if they don’t have the relationship. They’re dependent on the unhealthy relationship to provide them a sense of value and worth.
We hope this week’s topic is educational and helping you develop a positive start in your relationships, or change some unhealthy patterns in your current relationships. We have several more to share with you, so please return!
Source: Leaving the Enchanted Forest: The Path from Relationship Addiction to Intimacy by Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: addictive relationships, Healthy Relationships, Relationships
Posted in addictions, boundaries, Codependency, communication, Family Issues, Healthy Living, Relationship Addiction, Relationships | No Comments »
Many clients dance the line in their relationships between achieving emotional intimacy and being addicted to the relationship. The key to an emotionally intimate relationship is that you are an emotionally healthy person to start with, otherwise you may fall into the trap of your relationship becoming addictive. This week Imagine Hope will share the specific differences between these types of relationships as shared by Covington and Beckett in their book “Leaving The Enchanted Forest”.
In an intimate relationship you are peers vs. In an addictive relationship there is a power differential
When someone is your peer, you feel you can be equal. There is an ability to be friends and feel comfortable having a voice with that person. When the relationship is addictive, you might feel the other person has more of the power in the relationship. This can be intimidating and quiet your voice with them. You might notice you compromise who you are to make the relationship work because of this.
In an intimate relationship it feels mutual vs. In an addictive relationship it feels imbalanced
When both people feel the connection and strive to deepen it, intimacy develops. This is when both individuals are open and vulnerable, bring up issues, and make compromises. Both people hold the relationship at the same priority level. When a relationship is addictive, there are clear imbalances. One person may feel stronger about the relationship working out, so they try everything to make it work. You may notice that one person does more initiating of spending time and making contact with the other. This relationship can feel overwhelming and clingy at times.
In an intimate relationship there is choice vs. In an addictive relationship there is a loss of choice
Intimacy does not happen out of the need to be with the other person, but out of the desire to be with the other person. When you need someone, you might feel you don’t have a choice to not be with them. Having a choice and say so in the relationship creates more balance and equality. It can deepen the connection because it is not out of neediness, but out of healthy desire of the other person. An addictive relationship can cause someone to feel like a victim by the other person and that they didn’t have a say so. Intimate relationships don’t have victims because each person sees how their choices allow and teach the other person to treat them.
This is such important information to make sure your relationship is healthy, intimate and fulfilling! Keep checking in all week for more info to see if your relationship is intimate or addictive!
Source: Leaving the Enchanted Forest: The Path from Relationship Addiction to Intimacy by Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in addictions, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationship Addiction, Relationships | No Comments »
“Letting Go” is a popular topic in recovery from many things– childhood issues, addictions, codependency, and unhealthy relationships, just to name a few. Today we will finish with this week’s blog series on what it means to “let go”:
- Sometimes we might feel as though “letting go” means that we don’t care. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Letting go means that we don’t do things for someone who needs to be doing things for themselves. To ‘let go’ means we don’t do it for them.
- When we “let go”, we realize that we can’t control other people, their choices or their behaviors. To “let go” means that we stop trying to control others– it doesn’t mean that we have to cut off from them.
- To “let go” means that we realize that the people around us need to learn from their mistakes and feel the natural consequences of their actions. If we are rescuing them from the natural consequences of poor choices, then we are enabling them.
What are some areas of your life in which you might need to “let go”? Letting go of the things we need to allows us to live fuller and richer lives, filled with more peace and joy– with less unnecessary stress and chaos!
A great resource for further reading is the book duo “The Language of Letting Go” and “More Languages of Letting Go”, by Melody Beattie. This book is full of daily meditations that discuss various topics on “letting go”. We highly recommend it, no matter what area of life you are working on letting go!
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: 12 steps, Codependency, Enabling, letting go, natural consequences, Recovery
Posted in addictions, boundaries, Codependency, Counterdependency, Healthy Living, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationship Addiction, Relationships, stress, Workaholism | No Comments »
This week we are focusing on what it means to “let go”. This can help you with relationships, in your job, with your children, and many aspects of your life. So many things that we try to control are really not ours to control. But we try to control them anyway. Many of the things I will discuss today are related to things we can’t control.
>When there is something we truly cannot change or do anything about, letting go is simply admitting to ourselves that we are “powerless” over the situation. This simply means the solution is not something you can do anything about and you have no control over it. So it’s ok to quit trying to control it.
>When looking at our own situations, letting go is taking responsibility for what you CAN change and doing something about it, rather than trying to blame it on other people or trying to change them. It’s to make the most of myself and what I can do rather than blaming others for things and feeling stuck because I can’t control them.
>Letting go is learning to care about others but not taking care of them. When we believe that caring about someone means taking care of people, then they are robbed of the opportunity to learn to care for themselves. This also can translate to them as “I don’t think you’re smart enough or capable enough to take care of yourself”. Even though we may feel we are doing it out of love, a different message can be conveyed.
>Letting go means being supportive to someone rather than telling them what to do. Have you ever gone to a friend, just needing them to listen and support you. How do you feel when they start giving you advice? It’s feels invalidating and sometimes, disrespectful. You want to say, “I actually don’t need you to tell me what to do. I am smart enough to figure that out on my own. I just really need support.”
Hopefully you can see more ways of letting go, rather than just actually saying the words. There are multiple ways we hold on to things. Tomorrow, Joleen will share 3 more ways to let go. Thank you for reading.
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: 12 steps, letting go
Posted in addictions, boundaries, Relationships | No Comments »
Some of us are better at letting go than others. We all struggle with this concept at some point during our lives. The sensation of holding on gives us this false sense of control, security, and drains us of our energy. Sometimes, we hold on anyway because we do not know how to let go. I hope this week gives you some hints as to how to make that happen.
- Letting go means love more and fear less. Choose love over fear. Choose to love your spirit enough not to weigh it down with fear and regret. To paraphrase a quote from His Holiness the Dalai Lama, “If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to hold onto it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to hold onto it”
- Letting go means not to regret the past, but to live for the present and the future. How much time have you wasted going over and over a situation, punishing yourself for saying or doing the wrong thing? How much time have you wasted thinking, “If only…”? You cannot change the past. It led you to exactly where you should be. Right here right now. To paraphrase a quote from Albus Dumbledor, “It does not do to dwell on regret and forget to live.”
- Letting go means to focus on your own dreams and not regulate others. We cannot control what others choose to do, but we can control ourselves. When we focus on our own dreams, we lead by example.
One of my favorite quotes comes to mind when I think of letting go. “Good Morning, This Is God! I will be Handling all Your Problems Today. I Will Not Need Your Help — So Have a Good Day. I Love You!” Keep coming back all week for more tips on how to let go.
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: His Holiness the Dalai Lama, letting go
Posted in Anxiety, Healthy Living, Uncategorized, ways to cope | No Comments »
This is a great topic this week. Too often we can get wrapped up & worried about situations, when in reality, we need to let go. Let’s explore some more ways to “let go”.
- Letting go means we’re going to allow others to make mistakes. We’re not going to expect other people in our life to be perfect, and understand that our loved ones will let us down (on accident) from time to time. And when they do let us down, we’ll forgive them, and not dwell on it.
- Letting go means we won’t try to control every little thing and every situation that comes our way. We realize we don’t have to be in the middle of everything, knowing what’s going on at all times. We also don’t have to share our opinion with everyone to make sure they “do the right thing”. We allow others to make their own decisions.
- Letting go means we allow others to have natural consequences for their own actions. We decide we’re not going to “mother” people….we’ll take care of ourself, and when others ask for help then we’ll decide then if we can help. We’ll allow the loved ones in our lives to face reality.
This sounds hard, doesn’t it?! Hard, but not impossible. Letting go of things we cannot control can bring more emotional freedom than we could ever imagine. Thank you for reading, and please come back, as we have many more to share with you.
Tags: letting go
Posted in boundaries, communication, coping skills, Healthy Living | No Comments »
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