Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
Friends are a valuable asset in life. They serve a special purpose in our lives, even if we don’t interact every day. Because of our value of friendship, this week Imagine Hope is going to cover ways to help friends when they are going through tough times. Nancy Comiskey shared some of her thoughts on this topic in an article for O magazine that we will share with our readers this week.
How To Help A Friend Who’s Lost A Child
“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses a parent is called an orphan. But…there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s how awful the loss is”- Neugeboren
Losing a child is one of the top fears parents face. It is one of nature’s cruelest moments. Whether it is due to stillbirth, miscarriage, sudden infant death syndrome, illness, or after years spent with a child, the pain is intense and crippling.
Unfortunately I know this pain. I’ve lost 3 children from miscarriage. No one quite knows what to say. Many say the wrong thing to try to help themselves ease their discomfort. It doesn’t matter that I have 2 children I get to parent, the loss of the 3 is always there. Triggers of grief are every where you turn. Reminders of the loss at any moment catch you off guard no matter how long it has been.
If you have a friend who has experienced any kind of child loss pain, Comiskey offers some wonderful tips for you to support him or her.
- Don’t say “Tell us if we can help”, instead say, “Tell us when we can help”. Don’t take no for an answer.
- Stay by your friends side through the initial doctors appointments, funeral meetings, and services. They need support. Even if it is just driving them and sitting in the car.
- Do practical things for your friend. Mow the lawn. Cook meals for them. Do their dishes. Take a walk with them.
- Don’t try to say the right thing. Saying “I don’t know what to say” can help your friend decide where to take the conversation.
- Don’t say nothing because you don’t know what to say. Ignoring the loss will only dismiss the pain your friend feels.
- Remember that sometimes your friend might want to talk, but sometimes they might just need a break. But always offer and let them decide.
- Parents who have lost a child are often lonely. Invite them along and offer to keep them company.
- Don’t compare your pain. Even if you have suffered a horrible loss,trying to empathize through your pain (unless you have lost a child too) will feel unsafe. The loss of a child is such a unique pain. Comparing it to other loss could feel insulting.
- Cry with them.
- Don’t try to fix or offer religious counsel unless your friend is asking for it.
- Remember your friend will be different after this loss. It changes a person at the core. Accept them for where they are and love them the same.
- Read up on more ways to help a friend. Comiskey shares a website with resources: compassionatefriends.org
I hope these tips have given you some clear direction on helping a friend after the loss of a child. Just reading this shows your love for your friend. Go show them that love today!
Check in all week to read more about helping friends through an illness, addiction, hard relationships, and depression. Thanks for reading!
Source: “How To Help A Friend…” By Nancy Comiskey from O’s Guide to Life; The Best of O, The Oprah Magazine p. 260-262
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
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Today we finish up with this weeks blog topic, adapted from W. Bruce Cameron’s article (reference below). What do you think of the tips so far?
“What a manly sweater!”
Cameron suggests that men want to hear words that sound masculine. This makes men feel good, and explains that giving compliments are like giving gifts; It’s important to give the gift that the Receiver of the gift would like, not the gift that the giver prefers to give! So… Simply put, telling the man in your life that you think he looks “cute”, probably won’t make him feel much like a man. And, as Cameron states, he wants to feel like a man! This doesn’t mean that the man in your life doesn’t have a feminine or sensitive side, it just means that this kind of compliment might not make him feel his best. And for those couples who struggle with the female knowingly demasculating their male counterpart (whether it’s through put-downs or other derogatory comments), remember that you are directly impacting your ability to feel heard, respected, and understood, as well!
Source: “How to Get Through To A Man” by W. Bruce Cameron from O’s Guide to Life; The Best of O, The Oprah Magazine p. 211-212
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: communication, getting through to a man, marriage counseling
Posted in communication, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
If you are just catching up with us this week, we are talking about how to get through to a man. We’ve adapted it from W. Bruce Cameron’s article (see below for source). I must say up to this point, I have agreed with much of what he has said in his article. Take that in light of that I am married myself and listen to people talk about their marriages all day long. However, this one I struggled with a little bit.
“You’re 100 Percent Correct”
He says the best way to argue with your husband is to negotiate. I agree 100 percent.  Then he goes on to say to just agree with whatever your husband says and let him know you agree with it. Saying “you’re right” will throw him off because he is not expecting it. Then remind him of what you want. For example, if you are fighting over him not helping you out enough simply say, “You are correct, you do help me out but I would like to you to help me more”, whether this is correct or not. I think his point is valid that it will take him off guard and then there’s nothing to fight about. However, I think this might feel patronizing to your husband and seem a bit dishonest to you as well.
I suggest something that may work a little better. We women do tend to think we know better and like to let our hubby’s know when we are right about something. It’s in our bossy nature! I can’t imagine, as a man, what that is like. It might be why they have such difficulty admitting when they are wrong (or lost!) because they feel like we are always out to prove we are right. So maybe a good approach would be to try to stop and recognize when he IS right about something in a fight and give him credit for it! I can tell you from experience, it does take them off guard and it does help. They actually feel like you are listening and trying to understand what they are saying. If seems as though the defenses go down a bit and now we start getting somewhere.
So the next time you are fighting, try to not point out how “right” you are and how “wrong” he is. Try to find something he is saying that you can say, “You are 100 percent correct” and see how it works for you!
Thank you for reading and have a great week.
Source: “How to Get Through To A Man” by W. Bruce Cameron from O’s Guide to Life; The Best of O, The Oprah Magazine p. 211-212
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: Fair fighting in marriage
Posted in communication, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
” Wanna Dance?”
Are you feeling romanic? Are you wondering how to seduce your man? There is a reason why it is called the dance of seduction. Seduction can often be a game, or dance if you will. The first thing is to figure out if your man wants to dance! Men are not famous for turning away sex, so the odds are in your favor that he will respond positively. Remember, men are biologically programed to want and be ready for sex with little notice or prompting. But that does not mean that they don’t like the chase. And lets be honest ladies, we like to be chased. We like the mystery, the fun, the connection and engagement that comes along with the chase. It makes us feel special and valued.
If you are ready to take the next step in your relationship and take it to a physical level, let him know! You do not want to be “easy”, so you can let him know with the word, “maybe”. Will you meet him for a drink? Maybe. Would you like to go over to his place? Maybe. Would you be interested in a back rub? Maybe. Maybe offers hope for a yes without dousing his confidence, but enough of a no to keep him working! If you are already in a long term relationship, sit next to him on the couch and give him small flirty kisses and be playful. Let him take it from there. For men, the visual and physical touch is much more stimulating than the verbal suggestions. So instead of telling him you want to make love, show him, preferably with nudity!
Continue to check in as Natalie and Joleen talk more about how to get through to a man. As always thanks for reading!
Source: “How to Get Through To A Man” by W. Bruce Cameron from O’s Guide to Life; The Best of O, The Oprah Magazine p. 211-212
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: ea, romance, seduction
Posted in Adult Play, Love, Marriage, Relationships | No Comments »
“Let Me Get Your Power Drill”
Okay, this title may sound completely silly, but the concept really does work. (I know this from personal experience!).
We’ve all been there. We ask our spouses over and over (and over and over) to fix this or that, and it doesn’t get done. Each time we bring it up, it ends in an argument or a quick snap back on the man’s part. Women think, “Why don’t they just do it and keep their promise?!” A guy is thinking, “Who made them boss anyway?”
When a guy feels controlled or believes his woman is trying to be the boss, he’ll come up with many excuses for not doing x, y and z. Is this line of thinking healthy? No, but it is what it is. You can ask as nice as possible, but he’s probably going to hear it as an “order” anyway.
What do you do instead? Offer to help your man. Gather all the tools needed for the job and be there to grab things & hand it to him when he needs it. Offer to help clean up as well. Be an assistant to him being first in command. For those women out there who are go-getter’s, this will be a challenge, but hopefully a rewarding experience between you and your spouse. Good luck!
Source: “How to Get Through To A Man” by W. Bruce Cameron from O’s Guide to Life; The Best of O, The Oprah Magazine p. 211-212
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: how to get through to a man
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Let’s face it, women AND men are hard to understand sometimes. If only we could read each others minds, it would be so much easier! There are some specific gender differences which can make it complicated to truly connect with and “get” each other.
W. Bruce Cameron wrote and article for O Magazine that shines a light on how women can get through to a man. This week we will be sharing Cameron’s perspectives to give all the ladies some insight.
“You’re So Strong”
The male ego can be tricky. Some days men want to be taken care of and other days they want to be in control. Which one is it?
Cameron advises that women make sure to “comfort wisely” in a way to not harm the ego. Males are taught not to cry and to “rub out their pain”. They are teased for being a sissy if they have an emotional reaction other than anger. Just because a man has physically grown up does not mean he has emotionally matured to not believe those lies.
When a man is having a tough time, it may be counterproductive to their pain by comforting them. By doing so, they may feel too exposed and vulnerable that they aren’t sucking it up enough.”Their pain is showing”.
Approaching a man’s pain by admiring his strength through the tough time can help their ego become confident again. It can help them feel like you believe in them and that their strength is showing in the midst of their pain.
I am not advising that you not comfort a man when he is overtly processing his pain with you, but I am saying that talking about his strength through it will help balance things out. Men tend to close off when they feel too exposed.
Note to men: It is OKAY to be vulnerable. Most women crave you to be more emotional. You can be strong and vulnerable at the same time!
Check in tomorrow when Tamara gives some alternative’s to nagging your man to do work around the house!
Source: “How to Get Through To A Man” by W. Bruce Cameron from O’s Guide to Life; The Best of O, The Oprah Magazine p. 211-212
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Posted in communication, Emotional needs, Love, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships | No Comments »
Today we will finish up with this weeks blog series on the reasons for teen misbehavior. Have you recognized any of these reasons so far this week?
Reason #7: Misuse of power from forces outside of the parents
It is difficult for your teen to respect you if you are handing over parenting tasks to other people or things to “fix” your child, without doing equal work yourself. Whether it’s a counselor or therapist, teacher, principle, another parent, a “boot camp” for teens, medications, a psychiatrist or doctor, or any other person or professional, if you are looking to outside forces to “fix” your teen behavior without working on the relationship yourself, chances are, the changes are less likely to be lasting.
This doesn’t mean that it’s inappropriate to get help with parenting– which is far from the truth! Parenting is one of the most difficult tasks we are given! It just means that looking towards something to be a “quick fix” or a “magic solution”, quickly becomes a double-edged sword. Your teen may change as a result of these things mentioned above, but the same problems are likely to start up again at home if the changes don’t begin with you as a parent. This means teaching your child to respect and obey you as a parent.
Remember, there is strength in numbers and it truly takes a village to raise a child. Utilize outside help to assist you in parenting– just don’t use it as a replacement for parenting.
We hope this week’s blog has been helpful! Please check back with us next week!
Adapted from Scott Sells book, “How To Parent Your Out-Of-Control Teenager”.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Posted in communication, Family Issues, Parenting, Parenting Teens | 1 Comment »
This week we are talking about 7 reasons for teen misbehavior, taken by the book “Parenting Your Out-Of-Control Teenager” by Scott Sells. This book is very informative and helpful for parents with teens. So far this week we have given 4 reasons to understand why your teen might be misbehaving. Here are 2 more.
Reason #5: The Pleasure Principle
Do you find yourself lecturing your teenager only to find them turning around and doing the exact thing you were talking them out of? There is a reason for this- teens have difficulty seeing beyond the moment. They have challenges thinking about consequences that may happen to them if they do something today. This is what we know to be called the pleasure principle- doing something for immediate pleasure.
Unfortunately, cell phones, email, text messages etc. have made this worse. Teens rarely have to wait for correspondence, thus numbing their ability to be patient. This feeds into their unwillingness to wait. They often feel entitled to be heard, seen, waited on, talked to, answered, and noticed….NOW! Honestly, we all do now. And teens usually felt that way before the information boom!
For example, when you are giving a consequence that they will not be able to drive your car if they get another ticket, they still want to speed. In the moment, the pain of getting the car taken away is not there. And they want to get to where they are going NOW. So most likely, teens that are having problems with their behavior will not stop themselves and will speed. It’s not that they don’t care about the consequence, but what they want in the here and now is stronger than what “might” happen to them. Thus they give into the pleasure principle.
Reason #6: Peer Power
Being a teen can be lonely and confusing- we all remember these times. Teens want to gain more independence and naturally pull away from their parents. However, they also want to be able to depend on their parents for love, safety, and security. So it can feel conflicting.
In order to cope with this conflict, it’s normal for kids to try to find a group of friends that they really “click” with. Ones they look like, act like, and enjoy doing the same things. This can be good and bad. If the kids are into positive activities and dress appropriately, it’s great. But if they are into trouble and dressing inappropriately, it can be a challenge. Who they are hanging out with is usually a top reason for teen misbehavior.
Hopefully this information will give you some insight into what might be going on with your teen. It’s important to remember that teens don’t usually just start misbehaving in a vacuum. Usually something is going on for them to act out in negative ways. These reasons we have given that Scott talks about may explain the why of the behavior, but there could be something deeper going on as well. If so, it might be a good idea to get them in to talk to someone that is confidential and that they can trust. You don’t want misbehaviors to just be looked at as “normal” because they are teens. You want to make sure something deeper isn’t going on.
Tomorrow Joleen will finish us out with another reason for teen misbehavior. Thank you for reading and I wish you luck with your teen!
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: Teens misbehavior
Posted in Parenting, Parenting Teens | 1 Comment »
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