Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
Freedom #2: To Say What One Feels and Thinks Instead of What One Should Feel and Think
There’s that “Should” word again. Whenever you use the word “Should”, you’re placing judgement on something/yourself. “I Should feel this way” I Should think this way”…..basically you’re trying to talk yourself into CHANGING your feelings.
A healthier approach is to say what you truly think, and feel how you truly feel (without being rude! Just be honest).
Too many times we get wrapped up in how our feelings and thoughts are going to affect another person, if we’re going to disappoint someone, or if they’re going to get mad with us. As a result, we change or minimize our own feelings to fit what we think the other person(s) wants to hear.
What happens then? We feel horrible and as though no one ever “gets us” or respects us.
Maybe you grew up believing no one cared to hear what you had to say? Maybe you grew up believing you could make people feel better when you only shared good news, and not the bad news (even if the bad news was the truth)?
Just as we all have Constitutional Rights to vote, bear arms, and the freedom of speech, you have a God-given right to speak what you feel and think.
You don’t have to change what you say to be what you think you ought to say or feel.
Please come back to read more emotional Freedoms (Rights) we have, all developed by Virginia Satir. Thanks for reading!
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: The Five Freedoms, Virginia Satire
Posted in Anxiety, boundaries, Codependency, communication, coping skills, Family Issues, Healthy Living, Relationships | No Comments »
Virginia Satir was a pioneer in the therapy world in bringing amazing concepts to life to help individuals, families, and couples.
She looked at the importance of the “experience” of life and how to make it a positive one. She connected the importance of our 5 senses and what impact they have on our experiences.
The 5 Freedoms are affirmations to help people connect with their lives and survive what is going on at each moment.
We hope you can find the deep freedom that can come from each of these this week and can take a step back in your crazy life to make it as positive of an experience as possible.
Freedom #1: To see and hear what is here instead of what should be, was, or will be
Do you ever feel controlled by should’s? What about the pain of the past or fear of the future?
If so, you might need to spend time focusing on this freedom. Instead of “should-ing”, look around and see what IS right in front of you.
Instead of getting lost in all the pain of the past, focus on what you DO see and hear that is right here. The past can serve it’s purpose in directing you, but you need to heal from it not carry it with you. Living in the past robs you of today.
Instead of getting worked up about tomorrow, sit in today. Embrace it. Experience it. Don’t loose today because of what is around the corner. You will never get today back.
I hope you can find freedom in your life by being in the moment. This moment is what you have, don’t ruin it or loose it. Lean into it to see and hear all that it is and what it can mean for you in your life. There might be some powerful life lessons right before you!
Come back tomorrow for more!
*Adapted from Virginia Satir’s The Five Freedoms
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: Virginia Satir The FIve Freedoms
Posted in Anxiety, coping skills, depression, Healthy Living, stress relief, ways to cope | No Comments »
Toxic Behavior #5: No Oppportunities to Regain Trust
When teenagers feel as though they can’t regain trust with their parents after something has happened, they slowly give up trying. Or, perhaps nothing has happened to betray trust, and the parent simply chooses to not allow the teen to show how trustworthy they are. Either way, learning how to negotiate trust in your relationship with a teen is important. If they feel like you are constantly looking for ways they are messing up, they will eventually stop trying. This slowly destroys the intimacy in the relationship and keeps the relationship from being open.
Recommendations: Learn to strike a balance bethween being too trusting (or giving away trust too easily) and not giving trust back at all.
Adapted from “Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager” by Scott Sells
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Parenting, Parenting your out of control teenager, Scott Sells
Posted in boundaries, Family Issues, Parenting, Parenting Teens | No Comments »
Toxic Behavior #4: You must first be good to get my love
It can be so difficult to show your child love when you are angry and frustrated, right? But it is important, as mentioned earlier, to separate the behavior from the actual child. They still need to be shown love.
It will be tempting to not want to take them on a date you had planned or to that movie that you both have been looking forward to. It seems like it is rewarding the negative behaviors. It may be hard to give them a hug when you aren’t feeling very affectionate. But if the child has already received a punishment, this is like punishing them again for when they have already “served their time”. Additionally, it is so important to keep something positive in your relationship when it’s struggling thru this difficult time. If you take away everything, including the positive parts of your relationship, they will feel even more hopeless and may eventually give up all together.
Being a parent is about loving unconditionally. Even when they are being difficult it is important to still hug them, tell them you love them, or spend time with them.
Make an agreement with yourself that you will stick with the punishment/consequence but still love your child, and show them that love, regardless of your feelings about their behavior.
Thank you for reading! Tomorrow Joleen will finish this series with toxic behavior #5
Adapted from “Parenting Your Out-of-Controll Teenager” by Scott Sells
Written by Natalie Chandler
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville
Tags: Scott Sells Parenting Your Out-of Control Teen
Posted in boundaries, communication, Family Issues, Parenting | No Comments »
Toxic Behavior #3 Compliment Sandwiches
Have you ever received a compliment followed by a “but?” Imagine your boss tells you, ” you did a great job on this report, but you missed a few key items.” It feels more like a complaint doesn’t it? A compliment sandwich is where you put a “but” between a compliment and a criticism.
Some parents feel the need to add a critical comment when they praise their child. For example, telling your teen “You did a great job folding the towels, but you need to work on your sheet folding skills.” Serving compliment sandwiches such as this creates bad feelings between you and your teen. They will learn to brace for criticism when they hear a compliment coming. They will not be able to truly hear your positive words. When you complain directly after a compliment, it’s as if you just undid the compliment itself.
To stop serving compliment sandwiches, ask a friend or your partner to help make you aware of it by politely pointing it out when you do it. Practice imagining a giant period at the end of every compliment you give. If you need to critique poor behavior, address it separately from the good behavior. This will ensure that your teen hears your positive words and not only the negative.
Make sure to check out Toxic Behavior # 4 tomorrow!
*Source: Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager by Scott Sells
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: Parenting your out of control teenager, Scott Sells
Posted in boundaries, communication, Family Issues, Parenting, Parenting Teens | No Comments »
Toxic Behavior #2: Attacking the Person Rather Than the Misbehavior
This can happen when you don’t separate out your teen’s misbehavior from their character or personality. When you confront your teen on missing curfew, which of the statements below sounds most like you?
- “You’ve missed curfew again. I knew I couldn’t trust you to be home on time. You’re manipulative and sneaky. I don’t know why I bother talking to you about these things”.
- “You missed curfew again. Our written contract says if you miss curfew, your driving privileges are taken away for the next 3 days”.
If the first statement sounds like you, then you’re attacking your teen’s character and personality. If the second statement sounds like you, then you’re attacking the behavior itself.
Remember this:
- Don’t call your teen names, or attack their character. Don’t say “You’re manipulative” or “You’re lazy”. While these statements may be true, they’re hurtful and won’t motivate your teen to do what you’re asking them to do, or won’t stop them from doing what you’re asking them to stop.
- Talk only about the problem at hand. Hold your teen accountable for their behavior and if they broke any of your rules. Stick to the punishment (that you shared beforehand would happen if they broke the rules), and do not comment on their personality or flaws.
Please check back in tomorrow as Alexa shares Toxic behavior #3! Thank you for reading.
*Source: “Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager” by Scott Sells, Ph.D.
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: Parenting your out of control teenager, Scott Sells
Posted in boundaries, communication, Family Issues, Parenting, Parenting Teens | No Comments »
Parenting a teenager can feel like a roller coaster! A few weeks ago we shared good info about out of control teen behaviors, but this week we want to look at things parents do that can damage your relationship with your teen.
In Scott Sell’s book, “Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager”, he shares 5 toxic behaviors that can poison your relationship with your teen. Regardless of what age your children are, we hope you will be able to use this information to better your parenting skills and keep a healthy connection with your kids!
Toxic Behavior #1: Bringing Up the Past
Do you forgive your child for bad choices? Do you forget them or remind your child of it every time there is conflict?
It is hard to forgive and forget, especially when there is a long history of pain. But reminding your child of their mistakes over and over will do nothing good in your relationship with them.
When you bring up the past, a child feels they can’t win and might give up trying to change. If trust never gets regained and you always look at them as the mistakes they make, they might feel like love and acceptance will not happen and not feel your support in their ability to change.
Of course you can’t forget the mistakes, just make sure you don’t talk about them as punishment and criticism. As your child makes positive changes, try to focus on how far they have come- not how bad they were before. Hearing only the negative can make them feel deflated.
If this is hard for you to change, ask for accountability from your child or spouse. Sells suggests having them make a cutting motion across their neck as a sign that you are starting down the “past path”. This can help you catch yourself and start to make change on talking about the issue going on right now.
I know I wouldn’t want someone to only judge me from my past behaviors, so why do that to our kids? Strive towards a closer relationship with your kids today by letting go of the past and focusing on the present and the future!
Check back tomorrow for Toxic Behavior #2!
*Source: Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager by Scott Sells
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Tags: *Source: Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager by Scott Sells
Posted in boundaries, communication, Family Issues, Parenting, Parenting Teens | No Comments »
Myth #7: Love and Anger are Incompatible
Many people believe that if you really love someone, that means you never get angry at them. Or perhaps you grew up in a house where you didn’t feel loved when someone was angry with you, so as an adult in relationships, you feel that anger means someone is withdrawing love from you. While this might happen in some relationships, typically, this is not true. When someone feels angry with you, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you– it just means they are upset with a behavior you have shown, and is a feeling that indicates something needs to change.
If you believe that you cannot show anger to someone that you love, it will result in bottling up feelings and not sharing them with your partner. Over time, these feelings become toxic and will impact how you relate to that person. The feelings might come out in indirect ways that are hurtful to the relationship. This can often result in the death of the relationship.
The truth is, we can and do feel love and anger at the same time. Just because you are angry with something your partner did, doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Anger is a healthy feeling and unavoidable in intimate relationships. We can’t try to keep them separate and have a healthy relationship. It’s important to learn how to express anger in healthy ways to our partner so they know what we are struggling with and what needs to change.
As Gerald Corey shares, “If you deny your anger, you are negating your love”. It’s hard to feel loving towards someone if we have a bunch of negative feelings bottled up inside. It only keeps us distant from our partner and makes it difficult for them to love us in return.
If you struggle with showing or sharing appropriate anger in your relationship, we encourage you to get help in learning how to do this. Marriage counseling or individual counseling can be a great way to address this. It truly can help turn your relationship into one that is healthier and more intimate!
Adapted from “I Never Knew I Had A Choice” by Gerald Corey
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Gerald Corey, I Never Knew I Had A Choice, Myths About Love
Posted in Codependency, communication, Emotional needs, Individual Therapy, Love, Marriage, marriage counseling, Relationships, Types of love | No Comments »
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