Imagine Hope Counseling Group Blog
Inspiring Hope for Life & Relationships
Speak your child’s love language!
Speaking your child’s love language, whether it’s physical touch or quality time (or any of the 5), helps to restore tenderness in the relationship. This is important, regardless of what relationship you are trying to nurture.
If your child or teen has behavior problems, many times parents will stop doing special outings or use a lack of quality time as a form of “punishment” for bad behavior. While we aren’t recommending that you take your kids to Disney following concrete evidence that they have been stealing from the neighbor, it’s important to keep discipline and showing love separate. Don’t use a withdrawal of love to punish, and don’t use a child’s love language as a reward towards good behavior.
Showing love to your child needs to be it’s own separate entity!
How do you nurture your relationships?
Adapted from Scott Sells book, “Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager” and “The Five Love Languages for Kids” by Gary Chapman.
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Gary Chapman, How to nurture relationships, Love Languages, Parenting your out of control teenager, Scott Sells
Posted in Family Issues, Imagine Hope Counseling Group, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Relationships | No Comments »
Toxic Behavior #5: No Oppportunities to Regain Trust
When teenagers feel as though they can’t regain trust with their parents after something has happened, they slowly give up trying. Or, perhaps nothing has happened to betray trust, and the parent simply chooses to not allow the teen to show how trustworthy they are. Either way, learning how to negotiate trust in your relationship with a teen is important. If they feel like you are constantly looking for ways they are messing up, they will eventually stop trying. This slowly destroys the intimacy in the relationship and keeps the relationship from being open.
Recommendations: Learn to strike a balance bethween being too trusting (or giving away trust too easily) and not giving trust back at all.
Adapted from “Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager” by Scott Sells
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: Parenting, Parenting your out of control teenager, Scott Sells
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Toxic Behavior #3 Compliment Sandwiches
Have you ever received a compliment followed by a “but?” Imagine your boss tells you, ” you did a great job on this report, but you missed a few key items.” It feels more like a complaint doesn’t it? A compliment sandwich is where you put a “but” between a compliment and a criticism.
Some parents feel the need to add a critical comment when they praise their child. For example, telling your teen “You did a great job folding the towels, but you need to work on your sheet folding skills.” Serving compliment sandwiches such as this creates bad feelings between you and your teen. They will learn to brace for criticism when they hear a compliment coming. They will not be able to truly hear your positive words. When you complain directly after a compliment, it’s as if you just undid the compliment itself.
To stop serving compliment sandwiches, ask a friend or your partner to help make you aware of it by politely pointing it out when you do it. Practice imagining a giant period at the end of every compliment you give. If you need to critique poor behavior, address it separately from the good behavior. This will ensure that your teen hears your positive words and not only the negative.
Make sure to check out Toxic Behavior # 4 tomorrow!
*Source: Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager by Scott Sells
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: Parenting your out of control teenager, Scott Sells
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Toxic Behavior #2: Attacking the Person Rather Than the Misbehavior
This can happen when you don’t separate out your teen’s misbehavior from their character or personality. When you confront your teen on missing curfew, which of the statements below sounds most like you?
- “You’ve missed curfew again. I knew I couldn’t trust you to be home on time. You’re manipulative and sneaky. I don’t know why I bother talking to you about these things”.
- “You missed curfew again. Our written contract says if you miss curfew, your driving privileges are taken away for the next 3 days”.
If the first statement sounds like you, then you’re attacking your teen’s character and personality. If the second statement sounds like you, then you’re attacking the behavior itself.
Remember this:
- Don’t call your teen names, or attack their character. Don’t say “You’re manipulative” or “You’re lazy”. While these statements may be true, they’re hurtful and won’t motivate your teen to do what you’re asking them to do, or won’t stop them from doing what you’re asking them to stop.
- Talk only about the problem at hand. Hold your teen accountable for their behavior and if they broke any of your rules. Stick to the punishment (that you shared beforehand would happen if they broke the rules), and do not comment on their personality or flaws.
Please check back in tomorrow as Alexa shares Toxic behavior #3! Thank you for reading.
*Source: “Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager” by Scott Sells, Ph.D.
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: Parenting your out of control teenager, Scott Sells
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Level 7- Threats of Suicide
While any threat of suicide should be taken seriously, it’s important to react appropriately and not allow this to become a form of manipulation or a scare tactic to get a teenager what they are wanting.
This level of threat to parenting is the most severe threat a teen can use. After all, what is the worst thing that a parent can have happen to a child?– losing them through death. That makes this threat a very powerful one, and one that gives all the power to the teenager if not handled appropriately.
As we have discussed, the levels of increase in intensity each time. A teenager’s thoughts around the level 7 threat might sound like “The threat of violence was working great until I saw my mom start walking away, calling the police and pressing charges against me. I have a friend who went in the hospital for depression and told me if I threaten to kill myself, everyone gets scared and backs off. I think I will try this tomorrow.”
What are the consequences for threats of suicide? Take them seriously and escalate the consequences. If that means a 24 hour watch or hospitalization, follow through. Don’t give in to the manipulation (e.g. “if you don’t let me go with my friends, I’ll just kill myself”). Just like you would call the police for violence, follow through with calling 911 for threats of suicide. Enlist the help of the teenagers support system– let their friends, friends parents and teachers know that the teen is threatening suicide. When the manipulation no longer works and your teen see’s that you are serious about the consequences, manipulative threats of self-harm decrease.
Remember that there’s a difference between a power-struggle and self-harming threats as opposed to actual threats. If you are struggling with knowing the difference between the two, don’t hesitate to call a professional therapist or doctor to assess your teen to help you in this process!
Taken from “Parenting Your Out of Control Teen” by Scott Sells
Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling. Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.
Tags: parenting your out-of-control teen, Scott Sells
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Maybe your teen is beyond disrespect or truancy and failing school. Perhaps your child is trying to manipulate you with more severe or dangerous threats. Has your teen gone to using the next level of aces? If so, please consult a professional therapist who is specially trained for helping teens and families.
Level 3: Running Away- Your teen may be thinking: “Okay, so mom and dad can try to control me by showing up at school and getting in my business and talking to my teachers. I can’t let them embarrass me like that so I’ll tell them I’ll run away. That will scare them enough to give me what I want”!
This is a ploy used by savvy teens everywhere to make you fear the harm that may come to them on the streets, thus rendering you hostage to your teen’s demands. However, a powerless parent is ineffective. Ask yourself, is this household a safe place for my child to live? Are there drug/alcohol problems in the home or unsafe discipline or parenting that the child is running away from?
If all is safe in the home, it is time to consult with a professional counselor and implement severe consequences for running away. Techniques like publishing a “wanted poster/flyer” with an unflattering picture of your child with a monetary reward are useful when posted all over the child’s school and hangouts. Feel free to pawn or sell your child’s prize possessions to finance the reward. Make sure you communicate with the people at the safe houses. Talk to the parents of the friends your child may run to. Make sure that adults and friends know they are legally not allowed to harbor your runaway teen and you are ready to get legal assistance if necessary. Usually disobedient teens would rather avoid these consequences than continue to run away. But there are some that will continue to up the ante.
Level 4: Teen Pregnancy- Your teen may be thinking: “Mom and Dad are worried that I am not having safe sex and I will end up with a baby. They are so worried when I am running away and staying out all night that I am having unprotected sex or get someone/get pregnant. They are so scared of that they will let me do whatever I want”!
Research from the Department of Health and Human Services shows that teens with behavior problems are the most likely to engage in premarital sex and have unplanned pregnancies. Talking with your child early and often about sex is the number one way to protect your teen. However, these conversations need to be held when tensions are lower and parents can convey a safe and respectful atmosphere for such a sensitive conversation. If your teen is already engaging in unsafe sex, there are some non- traditional methods you can read more about in Parenting Your Out of Control Teenager. Make sure that your teenager knows what your role would be in your grandchild’s life if they had a child. Make it clear and document what you will support and what will be your child’s responsibility. Please consult with your family therapist for more assistance to move beyond this extreme behavior.
Do not ignore or fall victim to these warnings. Your child is trying to communicate with you using these behaviors. Your response is critical. Please check back this week as Natalie and Joleen talk about Alcohol/ Drug Abuse, Violence and Threats of Suicide. As always, thanks for stopping by.
*Source: Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager by Scott Sells
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: Parenting your out of control teenager, Scott Sells
Posted in boundaries, Family Issues, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Starting with the least extreme and dangerous, let’s look at what some teens will tell themselves in order to manipulate parents into getting what they want. Scott Sell’s book Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager goes more in-depth in discussing each one of these.
Level 1: Disrespect
Here’s the thinking of your teenager: “I want to go to this event and I don’t want to be told what to do. If my parents tell me something I don’t want to hear, I’ll start cussing & rolling my eyes because it pushes their buttons and gets them upset. If they’re upset, they’ll give in to me because they’ll be too frustrated to back down. Therefore I get what I want”.
Sound like a scenario in your household? How do you get around this? Don’t let the words or eye-rolling get to you. Detach. Know when you’re being manipulated and hold your ground. Say (quietly) to yourself, “You can cuss and roll your eyes at me till they pop out of your head, but you’re not getting me to back down from my position!” You have to stay calm and in control even when they’re out of control.
Level 2: Truancy or Failing School:
Here’s what your teen is thinking: “Cussing isn’t working anymore. It’s not fazing my parents and they’re not backing down. I need to take it to the next level. They value my education & it would really drive them crazy if I start to ditch school or come home with D’s or F’s”.
Happening in your household? Are you willing to do your homework too? Talk to the school, contact your child’s teachers daily and see when your kid is skipping school. Drive your kid to school. Show up, make sure your kid is there, even if it embarrasses them. Find out what homework they have and have them do it in a public area of the house versus their bedroom, or with friends.
Are you struggling with a child who’s doing more dangerous things? We’ve got it covered. Check back in as we’ll cover running away, pregnancy, drug abuse and much more. Thanks for reading.
*Source: Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager by Scott Sells
Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC, LCAC
*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.
Tags: parenting out of control teens, Scott Sells
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The mere mention of adolescence often produces strong emotional responses from adults. Teens have strong emotions, and evoke strong emotions from the adults around them! This stage of development is easily recognizable by the strong need of the teen to define their own identity apart from their parents. Some push back and limit testing is developmental appropirate. But like when the teens were toddlers exploring their environment, adults need to provide safe firm boundaries. This week we are talking about the top 7 reasons why kids misbehave and how adults can step in and change the course of misdirected behavior. We are using Scott Sells book, Parenting Your Out of Control Teenager. Now that you know about Unclear Rules, Not Keeping Up With Your Teen’s Thinking, and Button Pushing, you are ready to learn about #4.
Reason #4 Teenager Drunk With Power- Often times a family comes in for family counseling and it becomes apparent very quickly who is in charge- the teen! The kids know it and the parents know it. Teens know they can give their parents orders or boss their little sister around because it is allowed in the home. The teens have not been able to focus on developmental tasks of childhood because there are not enough boundaries enforced by adults at home. Teens who have too much power want even more power. It can all start simple enough, not following through with threats because you don’t want to upset you child. Maybe you avoid asking your child to perform a task because you do not want to deal with the tantrum that often follows. I know a family that stopped going to church, a ritual that brought the family much joy, because their teenage daughter whined too much about getting up early. These simple acts of handing over your power send very clear signals to your teen that you cannot handle them! Parents, do not let your children hold you hostage! Set clear understandings that bad behavior is not rewarded at your house.
If your child is drunk with power, you may need to take strong action to take it back. Communicate with the coparent and organize a coup d’etat! Take back your power! Your teen will most likely resist such an overthrow, but it is for their own good. While teens may look like adults, they are not. They cannot reason or use logic at adult levels quite yet? So do not give them power by allowing their misbehavior to limit your actions. Teens still need and feel safe when they have firm dependable boundaries. They may not thank you for it, but they need them all the same.
Please check back as Natalie and Joleen talk about more reasons children misbehave. If you’d like more information on each of these 7 reasons this week, we encourage you to get the book by Scott Sells, Parenting Your Out of Control Teenager. Thank you for reading!
***Adapted from “Parenting Your Out of Control Teenager” by Scott Sells pages 15-16
Written by Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT
Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed therapist and Registered Play Therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Alexa enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Alexa also does play therapy, family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield
Tags: Parenting your out of control teenager, Scott Sells
Posted in communication, Family Issues, Parenting, Relationships | 1 Comment »
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